Friday, September 6, 2019

State of Grace

I've been off work all this week, and have been trying to write this post all week as well.

Throughout the history of this blog, I've never had trouble trying to figure out what to write about. My (second) life has pretty much been an open book, hasn't it?
Something rather odd happened this week, though. Someone tried to use this blog, and the words and pictures contained therein, to shame me. Embarrass me.

I don't have a lot of longtime friends in SL. So many people who have been in SL for years and years still remain friends with people they met in their early days. I have none of those, mainly because I took that yearlong break and most of the people I knew before were gone when I came back. Since then, I really only have two... well, three, counting Finn... people that I've known for ages. I don't talk to them often, but they're the ones who stay on the list no matter what. I've gotten better in the last year or so about not necessarily cutting every single person out whenever I move on to something new.

I do that... move from one thing to another... a lot, and this blog has followed me through each phase of my SL.

It really hasn't followed me, though, in the phase I'm in now. To me, that means this phase is very different from all the others. I'm not even really certain how to explain this one. Finn and I split, mainly because his RL is encompassing pretty much 100% of his time, and I need more than that. I love him, I always will. The heart has an infinite capacity for love, and he is one of the ones who will be there forever, even though we aren't together.
That has left me as a single woman. In the past when that has happened, I go into the phase of hanging out in the adult clubs and taking on new lovers until something sticks. I haven't been to the first one this time. Truly, I haven't been to one in ages. Other than a couple of times with Finn, I haven't been to one since the middle of April when I landed my houseboat on Bellisseria.

When I snagged that houseboat, I had no idea how much it was going to change my life. I had no idea anything was going to change. Finn and I were going strong, I was hanging out in decadent clubs every night, wearing the skimpiest, sexiest clothes I could find, and doing everything the same way I had for years.

Bellisseria brought a new kind of fun into my SL. It brought me PG rated friends, and groups, and neighbors, and activities. And it's been an incredible amount of fun. I've made friends with people I'd never have thought would ever be in my circle, or thought I'd be in theirs.
And because their lives are very different from that of the Beth Macbain of six months ago, I don't feel comfortable talking about them here. There is a discretion in my life now that has never been there before.

So, yes, it set me back for a minute when that person (not going to name him - that would give him far too much satisfaction) tried to use my blog against me. I had a moment of "oh, god, such-and-such is going to see me in all my slutty, whorish glory."

And isn't that sort of feeling just the absolute antithesis of everything this blog has ever been about?
How unauthentic I would be if I suddenly became ashamed of my past? Everything I've spoken of, everything I've shown here... every woman that I've encouraged when she's come to me and said she wished she could be as free with her sexuality as I am.

I may have changed. I may have moved forward. I may not be having sex at all right now. None of that changes the fact that I am who I am, and that's because of every single experience I've ever lived through.

I cannot be ashamed of that. I will not be ashamed of that. I'm proud of this blog, I'm proud of this journey I've been on, and am still on, and I'm proud of being able to share it as I have.

I'm proud of me. That much hasn't changed.

Where I stand today is due to a variety of things. Moving to Bellisseria is part of it, yes. Another part is that I'm in the midst of what I hope is the very worst of my menopause and it has done a number on my libido. I haven't had any urges to have sex. I've wanted to, yes, but they just haven't been there for the most part. I've had a few orgasms, and the tingles are returning a little bit stronger each day, but it's nothing like it used to be. I could write an entire blog post on how miserable this process is - the hot flashes, the dead libido.

It's also all hitting just as I'm about to turn 50.
The year before the big milestone birthdays has always been far worse than the actual year of hitting the milestone. 29 sucked, 39 sucked, and 49 has sucked. I think it's the uncertainty of what will happen when I hit those milestones, but the fact is that 30 was probably the best year of my life. 40 was pretty awesome, too, and I have no reason to believe that 50 won't be great as well.

Oh, and there is a man as well. Someone who I won't talk about, but who has become incredibly special to me. It's not sexual - at least, not yet. It is an amazing friendship that is based on everything in the world other than sex, and it's utterly sublime. There's no expectation for me to always be ready to toss of my clothes and fuck... and that is blissful. I'm sure I'd be frustrated as hell if my libido were fully charged, but since it's at maybe 10%-15% battery power right now, it's just really nice to not feel like I have to be sexual.

But enough about that, out of respect for him, and also just because it's really nice to have something that I'm not blasting out to the world for some sort of approval, or to send a message about women and sexuality or whatever.

Long story short, though. I'm not ashamed of who I am or who I've been. I'm Beth in both worlds. I have a zillion facets, and there is no one person who knows them all, but I'm not ashamed of a single one of those facets, and that absolutely includes the sides of myself I've shown on this blog.

Once upon a time, I was terrified that I'd be doxxed, and that people in my real life would find out about this side of me. One of the great advantages of growing older is the absolute ability to not give a single fuck any longer about things like that. The truth is that my boss would laugh. My family, now that my parents are gone, would also laugh. My RL friends would laugh. Not at me, but at the idea that anyone would think that they'd care or think less of me because I have a cartoon avatar that I've used endlessly in the pursuit of orgasms, and love as well.
I did have one person in my life that would be utterly mortified. A best friend that I tried like hell to explain SL to, and my relationship with Hugh. When we broke up, and I was understandably upset, she told me it wasn't real.

That pretty much destroyed 25 years of friendship. There were other things, but her complete unwillingness to bend an inch, or to have the slightest bit of empathy caused me to see her in a different light. Why would I want someone who was so disapproving of me in my life? Yes, she would be mortified by the things in this blog, but she's also not a part of my life any longer.

The people who are still there, the people who matter, wouldn't give a damn about what I've got up to under the pseudonym of Beth Macbain, and if I'm not going to feel any shame with those people, why in every hell would I feel any shame with the new people in my second life?

I'm not. So, to the insignificant, unhappy little beast who tried to embarrass me, allow me to dedicate this post to you. You failed. I should thank you, really, for the spike in traffic you brought me. You've reminded me of all the reasons I started this blog in the first place, and perhaps even renewed my interest in it.

Thank you for sending me into my 50th year on a high note.

This one is for you.
Y'all didn't think I was going to stop showing of my tits, did you?

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