Sunday, March 17, 2019

Saturday Night Fever

Time for something a little lighter than my last few posts.

Yes, that's his fist inside me. Yes, I'm a kinky dirty girl.
I really love sex, y'all.

I know that's a revelation, right? The mister had the flu this week, though, and I went without my favorite activity for a few days.
He eats the ass. He's such a keeper... lol.
Mind you, I'm a big fan of eating his ass, too. I believe that may be one of the first things we bonded over all those years ago. Finn gets my kinks. He not only gets them, he has them, too. This is the man I have never had to be shy about saying "Honey, do you think maybe you could try fisting me sometime?"

What gets me off, gets him off. What gets him off, gets me off.
I love all kinds of sex. Soft, romantic... hard and fast. Deep, dirty, kinky. It all depends on my mood. Sometimes I want him to be a lover. Sometimes a master. Sometimes even my daddy. He feeds me... all my desires. All my needs.

I'm safe with him.
I know that when I send him a message telling him I really, really need his cock in my ass, I'm going to get it. Hard. I know he gets that I'm a pain slut, and he'll make it hurt for me... just enough. The kind of pain that makes my thighs quiver and my pussy flood.

Never degrading. Never humiliating. Never.

He respects me... respects my needs.
He knows I'm going to give it back to him just as good as he gives to me. I'm going to drain him, every drop of cum. Mine. All for me.

I crave his orgasms as much as he does.

It's funny because to hear me tell it, or to read these words, you'd think that's what our relationship is, and has always been, based on.

It's really not, though. It's just that since we first connected, it's always been like liquid heat between us. And with him being out of SL for so long, we haven't been able to do this.
Skype sex is great. Voice sex is fucking amazing. God, I adore this man's voice, but we aren't able to do that as much as we'd like.

It's been mostly limited to Skype text since he left SL, but now he's back, and we can have this kind of intense connection again.
One orgasm is never enough for me. Not with anyone, ever. I cum easily. I cum a lot. Finn lets me go until I'm sated. Until I'm completely fuck-brained and unable to type or form coherent sentences, even after he's filled me and is close to passing out.

I love that about him. He knows when I'm not quite finished. When there is still one more deep orgasm left inside me that I need to have. 
So, yeah. Life is some kind of wonderful right now... and it bleeds over into the real world as well. There is a confidence in knowing someone loves you without conditions or restrictions.

When I say I'm glowing, I mean I'm really glowing. Ask the people in my real life... they're wondering why I'm so damn giddy all the time suddenly.
This is the reason.
I've never felt so free, and isn't that an odd thing to feel when you partner someone? I'm not walking on egg shells anymore or tip-toeing around my words and feelings and always wondering how he's going to take something I say. 

He listens to me, and more importantly, he hears me. He knows why I blog. He knows why sometimes he's going to wake up to a wall of text from me babbling about god-knows-what (just like this post which is really just an excuse to post a bunch of dirty pictures). He knows I'm his, and that I'm so fucking happy I could cry.
Why now? Why so quickly?

Because he gave me everything I've ever wanted. He's been offering it to me for years and I was too shy, or scared, to take it. It's never been our time. 

It is now. It's finally our fucking time. How long will it last? I'm not going to question. It'll last as long as it lasts. It's here today, and it'll be here tomorrow. He will be here.

And that is everything I've ever wanted.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

The Art of Noise

So yeah, it's been a pretty eventful couple of weeks for me.

I'll take some calm now, thankyouverymuch.

And, yes, I know the... excitement... was all drummed up by me.
I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, a lot of introspection. There's a buzzword that's floating around everywhere right now... Mindfulness.

I'm trying to practice a lot of mindfulness.

What does that mean? Well, the dictionary definition says it's the "basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us."

The problem with that definition is that I'm not sure it's so basic. Sure, we all have the ability but it takes work.

After Dad died, I went through a period immediately after of BEING FINE, DAMN IT. That was pretty much my response to everyone and everything, including myself. I am fine. I have my life back after being a caretaker for years. I can do anything I want now. My life is free and mine again. I am fine, I am fine, I am fine...
I was not fine and I didn't even realize it. I lied to myself and it caught up with me. I went from stubbornly being fine to being... nothing.

Numb. Everything was just replaced by numbness. I know now that I was suicidal. I didn't have any plans to off myself or anything like that, I just didn't want to exist anymore. I found myself without a purpose in living and I thought that life was worthless without that. All of my feelings were just replaced by numbness.

What happened to get me out of that, or to even make me realize something was wrong? I wish I had an answer for that. Time, maybe? The numb started to give way to pain and I felt it acutely, physically as well as mentally. Hiding it wasn't possible and I didn't even really try. People around me saw it... it was raw and showed on my face and in my actions every second of every day.

I got a lot of support, a lot of kindness, but it didn't help. I needed help.

I went to therapy and it was life-changing due to a few simple words.

The therapist sat and listened to me... all the words, all the pain, all the tears. I sobbed and sobbed and let it all out. Once I started talking and crying, I couldn't stop.

And she told me something that sounds so simple now but, hell, it was something I never once considered.
She told me to be kind to myself.

She told me to stop being so hard on myself.

I believed I was a failure. I'd failed at so many things... I failed at being there when Dad died, I failed at being a complete woman because I didn't have my own family, I failed at being healthy and thin and perfect. I failed at having a job that paid a lot of money.

I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed and I was a failure.

I'd never said those words aloud before, not even to myself, but I felt them deep in my core.

It took a stranger, my therapist, on my very first visit, to tell me I wasn't. To tell me to just cut myself some damn slack and look at all the things I haven't failed at, and all the things I thought I failed at, and see some truths.

And I did.

And that's when my mindfulness journey began.

It's not been a smooth road, or a perfect road, or an easy road. I don't think it's a basic ability. I think it's something you have to work at and recognize and learn. You have to look deep within yourself, and then turn that outwards and see how you affect those around you.

And accept tripping up sometimes. I've done that recently, but I'll get to that.

You have to look at who you are, inside, and question whether or not that is the person you want to be. You have to look at who you are and what impact you have on other people.

It's not always good, folks. The impact I have on others is not always good and that's a hard pill to swallow.

I bet it's hard for you, too, isn't it? Because none of us are perfect.

Mindfulness, to me, is accepting that, as well as looking, hard, at the things I can do to change how I impact people, or in some cases, letting it go because the damage is too much to heal.

And forgiving myself for that.

So how do I reach my mindfulness? I'm sure it's different for different people, but for me, it's discovering ASMR.

What's that, you ask? It stands for autonomous sensory median response.
So what the hell does that mean? It's a sensation... a tingling sensation brought about by certain sounds. It's mildly euphoric, and starts in the ears and spreads through the body.

Not everyone can experience ASMR. For some people, it just doesn't happen... there are no triggers. I thought I was one of those people for a while because the most common trigger sounds absolutely repulsed me.

And that's one of the curses of ASMR... there are a zillion triggers and some of them are good, and some of them are bad.

Mouth triggers absolutely turn my stomach. Whispering, mouth clicking and smacking, eating... all of those make me want to stab myself in the ears so I never ever have to hear them again.

But for many people, those are amazing. To me, they're like nails on a chalk board.

My big trigger, I've discovered, is sizzling. Not like food frying sizzling, but... god, hearing hair brushing or shampooing. That does it for me. That SO does it for me. Every night, I sit on the couch or lie in bed with my earbuds in, and pull up the videos on YouTube or playlists on Spotify and it takes me the fuck away.

What happens when I reach that state? Oh, the tingles... those fucking tingles. I listen to mostly binaural sounds... two mics set up to record so that when you listen back with earbuds, it's as if you are feeling everything. You know how it feels when you go to the salon and they wash your hair, or when someone scratches your back. It's that, for me.
Is it sexual? A bit, yeah. More sensual, maybe. I mean, essentially you're experiencing the feeling of being touched, and that's always a bit erotic, isn't it? Like there is nothing sexual about getting a professional massage, but still... you are naked on a table and someone is rubbing you from head to toe. Apologies to all the LMTs out there who bristle at the suggestion of their profession being sexual in any way, but... hell, being touched feels good. Feels really good, and the euphoric, tingling sensations don't just stop before reaching our erogenous zones. No, the tingles reach everywhere... the nipples, the clit, and for men, I assume they feel it in their cocks and probably their perineum.

But for me, ASMR takes it a bit deeper. Not quite to subspace, but it's similar for those of you in the BDSM world. After the initial rush, my brain settles into introspection, and it's a different type of introspection than how I usually get into my head and overthink things.

This is more a sense of clarity. It's that mindfulness I seek. It's not about pain or pleasure. It's about reality. I'm not sure this will make any sense at all, but it's almost like stepping outside myself in order to be able to see into myself.
It's where I both forgive myself for my true failures, as well as understanding that not all perceived failures are true failures.

It's where I forgive myself for not being there when Dad died because I needed some sleep. And also forgiving my sister for not calling me when it became clear the time was at hand, and also posting it on Facebook before calling me. I can be angry about that, still, and also forgive her because, firstly, I love her, and secondly, because I know she was alone with him and in shock. She didn't mean to hurt me and I won't make her pay for that forever because what good does that do?

It's where I forgive myself, forgive others, and also where I get absolutely clarity that I need to ask for forgiveness from others for things I have absolutely fucked up, and to also accept that I won't always receive that forgiveness, and that's okay, too. No one owes me forgiveness.

My mindfulness isn't about beating myself up. It's about learning, both the good things about myself as well as the bad, and learning to manage those, and learning that there will always be stumbles but that that only means that I failed at an action or response, not that I failed as a human.

So, yeah... mindfulness.

I did some bad things in the past few weeks. I reacted badly, I spoke badly, I behaved badly, and I hurt people, period, full stop.
I've forgiven myself, though I won't stop learning from it.

I've been forgiven, but I won't stop being aware of how I affect others.

And, yes, I've also most decidedly not been forgiven by some, and I accept and respect that choice.

I also accepted love and contentment and stopped fighting an internal battle over what I want and need. I've opened myself up to being loved by someone else, truly loved, and let myself love him just as much.

And I respect and understand that that love is deep and unique and will only be between the two of us, but that it doesn't mean I also can't and won't love others, because I will. It's who I am and fighting against my own nature is ultimately destructive, and not just to me.

I can meet someone and love them in an instant, and that, my friends, is the very picture of a blessing and a curse. It's wonderful that I can feel so much love, but it's an absolute horror that I have to fucking beat people over the head with my love. YOU WILL LET ME LOVE YOU, DAMN IT! 

I smother people with it, and then get hurt and lash out when they don't return that same love immediately in the same overbearing way I do. It's the INFJ in me. My nature, my instinct, tells me that I need to bring all the love I can into the world, whether people want it or not.

This is what I'm working on now. No two people love the same way and it's disrespectful of me to try to force my way upon anyone else. Ultimately, the way I love hurts others, and myself. 

This is... a bit of an epiphany to me, maybe. But I'm working on it. I know it's something I will need to work on forever. I won't stop loving, but I have to manage the way I love.
I like who I am. I don't always like things I do, and I don't always control them well. Those are facts. Accepting that, and also accepting that I can learn, and need to learn, and will never stop learning, how to be a better person, has brought some peace to my soul.

And I deserve that. We all do. Well, most of us do. There are some people who I believe are genuinely bad, but I think those numbers are low. I believe most of us, at the very core of our being, the heart of who we are, are good people with flaws.

Being alive is good. That doesn't mean that every second will be filled with bliss, nor should it be. How can we appreciate the good times if we never experience bad times?

But at the end of the day, being alive is a blessing, and it can be unexpectedly snatched from us at any moment. We should appreciate who we are because tomorrow we might not... be.

Let yourself be in the moment. Appreciate it for what it is. Learn. Never, ever stop learning.

And don't stop loving, either. Yourself and others. Manage it the best you can.

And be kind to yourself.

That's my own life lesson.

Thursday, March 7, 2019

The Worry

This guy. 


The guy. 

I believe that people are capable of loving more than one person. Polyamory, I guess. More than believe... I know because I have been in love with more than one man at the same time. Many in real life, many in Second Life, and a couple have crossed back and forth between the two.

Finn is one of those men.
He started off as a friend and lover in SL many years ago, before Hugh, but he had someone else, and I had someone else, and then things happen... and he then he was gone from SL.

We never really lost touch, though. Email, Skype, Kik, etc., etc... he's always been around in my life, just not in my SL. We've mostly been friends, with the occasional phone call that never failed to end up with both of us naked and doing dirty things because that heat has always been there. Always.

Several times we've started to start something bigger. I love him, and I know he loves me, and it's been that way for years. 
The problem, and the reason I eventually pretty much ghosted him, was that he'd left Second Life.

And that's important to me when looking at the prospect of a long distance relationship with anyone. Second Life gives us a world to live in that isn't separated by all those miles. It provides the visual that is missing over the phone.

Sure, there are webcams but that is still two people sitting hundreds of miles apart. Second Life lets you cuddle up with them. Dance. Socialize. Build a world for the two of you. Fuck.

Without that, I can't do a real relationship with someone no matter how much I love them.
Remember, I'm single, and I like it. My real life is just how I want it and planned it.

But... I love the escape into another world where I chose a different path in life. Where I can be someone's one and only. Okay, maybe not only because I'm also not a big fan of monogamy, but I think you all know what I mean.

Beth is Beth is Beth is Beth, but SL Beth is more of an alternate reality for me... not a virtual one, an alternate. And I adore being able to live that alternate life for a couple hours a day, or few hours a week, or whatever I feel.
So, Finn had left SL. I hadn't, and haven't, and have no desire to leave.

I know that once you leave SL, it's hard as hell to come back. I left for over a year once and it was a very strange process to come back. When I left, there was no mesh. System clothes and Ruth and all that. Somewhere I read about mesh and and wanted to see what it was all about. God, remember system skirts with that little patch you had to adjust? Wasn't that the worst?

So mesh clothing intrigued me and I wanted to try it out. I logged back in and started playing grown up Barbies again. My raging libido soon got the better of me, and that's around the time I met Finn.

Anyway, I know it's hard to come back to SL when you've been gone a long time. The old habits of logging in die. It becomes something that you just used to do, but don't anymore.
Over the years, he and I have gone through a lot. We grow close, we grow apart, we grow close... the pattern repeats.

Until the last time. Something changed and the love was feeling pretty big and overwhelming. I wanted him to be my guy.

That was last summer.

I couldn't ask him to come back to SL. I just couldn't. It had to be a decision he made on his own. I both wanted to be the reason, and didn't want that responsibility on my shoulders and I simply could not ask him.
He's been gone a long time, you guys. Forget mesh clothing... he missed the entire mesh body revolution AND Bento. Second Life has gotten a lot more expensive. Men get fucked when it comes to clothing, too. I've spent a lot of time this week shopping for him, helping him get updated, and HOLY SHIT, men's clothing is insanely expensive!

I get it's a supply and demand thing... women are more into fashion and there is much more competition for our business, but damn.
Anyway, I couldn't ask him to come back.

I couldn't ask him to make that commitment and spend the money to get updated and relearn everything and change his real life to make room for Second Life again.

And instead of telling him all that, I fucking ghosted him.
And he tried. A Skype message here and there, he actually popped in SL a few times to send me a message trying to reach me... I answered none of them.

Here I was afraid to tell him I wanted him to come back to Second Life and he was coming in Second Life just to try to get me to talk to him and I wouldn't answer.

I know. I'm a dumb ass.
And then I had the gall to write a blog post bitching about someone else basically ghosting me.

Like he was going to pass up the opportunity to let me know he'd read that and point out the irony.

And something clicked in me and I told him the truth. I told him I wanted him to come back, that I wanted to make it work this time, and that I wanted to go all in with him.

He said yes.
And I am terrified, you guys. Terrified.

Not of him. I know he loves me. He knows I love him. We've always loved each other. The sticking point was always me. How many times have I run away from him over the years? Many. Hell, I've even avoided blogging about him... never a single mention of him. Why?

It would have made it real.

Over the years, I've written about nearly every single thing happening in my life, but I've always kept Finn in a little box tucked away, afraid to talk about him. If I had, because he reads this, it would have forced the conversation that I was too scared to have with him.

That conversation has started. It started when I admitted that I wanted him to come back to Second Life.
And we've spent the past week getting him reacquainted with SL. Body, head, appliers, blah, blah, blah... spent ALL THE LINDENS which I feel terribly guilty about.

It ain't cheap. By the time you add in the clothing, the hair, eyes, an AO, cock (of course!), etc., etc., it adds up.

So what am I terrified about?

What if he can't make it? Like everyone else, he has a real life and it's pretty robust and busy. What if he just can't make the changes, or the time, to really be inworld with me? What happens then?

I end up partnered but alone? Or with egg on my face because once again, I just couldn't make it work with someone I love?

A failure again?
I'm over-thinking all this, and I know I am. He's going to tell me the same thing when he reads this.

As he told me when I said I wanted him to come back but couldn't ask him to do that, it wasn't my decision to make. He decided to come back. Yes, I told him that's what I wanted but he could have easily said it wasn't what he wanted.

He didn't. He came back.

And if feels so damn good to be with him. So damn right and easy and sublime.
But I'm fucking petrified.

He's hot and heavy and wonderful right now, as these  photos show, but what if his logins become less frequent?  A few minutes here and there? Skype messages that he's tired, or busy, or worst of all, no message at all?

I'm so damn used to being left that I expect it even when things are amazing. 
My normal MO in these situations is to do something to fuck it up. I go ahead and push them to leave me so I can just get it over and done with since I think it's inevitable. Finn is the one man I've never been successful at pushing away.

That's gotta mean something, right?

I don't want to fuck this up.

I don't want him to go away.
I want this so badly.

I want him. Just him. I want us to have our world that we create together in Second Life. I want to be his partner in every way possible.

I've loved him longer than anyone.
How do I get myself out of my head and stop worrying so much?

He knows me and he knows I'm going into my head. He knows I blog when I need to think things through and try to untangle the mess in my brain. He understands that there are things I have to say to him that for whatever reason, I have to put in blog form. He gets that this is my journal and that it's open for him, and anyone else to read.

What I'm saying is that I'm sure he's expecting this... lol.
Part of what's going on is that I'm on vacation this week, and he's working. I have pretty much every minute free to bask in our honeymoon phase and he's out there making a living.

I don't want to smother him. Does he like checking his phone and seeing 10 Skype messages from me, or does he wish I'd just be quiet? I don't know.

Does he feel bad at night when he hasn't got the time or privacy to log in and knows I'm inworld wanting to be with him? Is that how I'm going to fuck things up?
The man has been there for me for years. He's seen every up and down, every good relationship, every bad one, every time I've sunk into depression, every time I've been filled with joy.

Grief... losing my brother, losing my dad. Darkness and light. He's seen it all.

And he still loves me. Still wants me. Still willing to make the sacrifice to come back to SL to be with me.
So what the hell am I worrying about? I'm supposed to be over the moon right now, and I am... God, the man makes me smile.

But I can't help this annoying worry in the back of my head that just won't go away.

Don't fuck this up, Beth. Don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up...

Saturday, March 2, 2019

Letting Beth be Beth

No, you're not imagining things. There were some other posts here that are now gone. Keeping them up wasn't worth the damn headache.

I have had a week of shit. Absolute shit.

I know who I am, and I know my flaws. I know them better than anyone.

My numerous flaws. I am an impatient over-thinker with a penchant for jumping to conclusions and when I get my teeth into something, I don't let go until the matter is settled, for good or for bad.

Do you think I'm unaware of this? Do you think this isn't something I've struggled with for, oh, forty years or so?

Flaws... I have them, I know them.

And there is someone else who knows them almost as well as I do.

And he loves me because of them. Not in spite of them, because of them.

This is the real point of this particular post. This is a love letter, honey. To you.

Hell week brought heaven to my doorstep.

An old, old friend. Someone I actually knew before Hugh. Not well, but I knew him. Sometimes I have to remind myself that there was life before Hugh. There was Second Life before Hugh.

My life didn't begin with Hugh, and it didn't end with him, either.

This person, this man has been in my life in one form or another all these years, even after he left Second Life. We get close, we drift apart, we get close, we drift apart... over and over for all these many years.

After the last time we came together, I did the very thing to him that I was enraged at someone else for doing. I ghosted. The reasons why are between the two of us, but the fact of the matter is that I ghosted.

He read one of my now deleted posts and poked me. Not angrily, but with a laugh. Just a little tickle, reminding me what I did.

And the clouds lifted. Something happened. Something wonderful and amazing and ridiculous and perfect.

You guys, this man has loved me for years. The good me, the bad me, and everything in between.

He has been there, every single time. Talking to me, listening to me, giving me advice when I needed it, scolding me when I needed it, hugging me when I needed it, making me laugh when I needed it, and always loving me when I needed it, and even when I didn't.

What kind of a jackass have I been? What kind of a blind moron?

We've been lovers over the years. I've loved him. We almost, almost, made it work once but it wasn't our time and I just wasn't ready.
Paths crossed, we went this way, that way, the other way. He went completely off Second Life.

Something different is happening now. Why? I'm not sure it matters but I'd guess it has a lot to do with spending a month wasting time with a man who couldn't, or wouldn't, get to know the real me and made no attempt to try to understand me.

And here's this other man. This man. The man.

Over the years, I've been a lot of things but mostly I've been either too much or not enough.

I have never been just right for anyone.

Well, anyone except this one person who has been in my life for what feels like forever. And I just kept searching for something. I don't even know what, couldn't put it into words and still can't, and he was always just standing there.

Standing there, watching me, bemused, waiting for me to see what was right in front of my nose this whole time.

I see you now, sweetheart.

And this time? This time I'm not letting go of you. You know me. ME. You understand who I am, both in Second Life and outside of Second Life. You accept me, warts and all. Oh, and you know things as well. Those things that I've only ever shared with you. The things you've only shared with me. There has always been a bond between us but I was too... fuck, too constantly overwrought to see it, to just let it be what it is.

Trying to fit the square pegs into round holes and not fucking understanding why they just didn't fit when I wanted them to fit and absolutely wearing myself out fretting about it.

I think it's safe to say your peg fits perfectly in my hole...

And you make me whole.
"And I know I make the same mistakes every time
Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right
I did one thing right..."
I told you there was a Taylor Swift song out there for us. 😉

There is a line in the song that says "I want to wear his initial on chain around my neck, not because he owns me, but because he really knows me, which is more than they can say," and truer words were never spoken.

You know me. Somehow, somewhere, in the course of all these years, you got inside me and you absorbed my soul into yours. You've given me the distance I needed to find my way to you. Never pressured, never fussed, never judged.
You're my rock. The port in the storm that is Beth.

You are kindness and acceptance and love. Comfort and safety. Ecstasy and euphoria and completion.  Joy. Pure, unbridled, unfiltered bliss.

And I cannot, will not, live without you.

I've no doubt people will read this, and roll their eyes, and think "oh hell, again, Beth, really?" but we know better, don't we? I remember the first time we met, the first time we spoke. I even remember where I was, but I don't remember when it was... six years ago? Before Hugh, before my first partner... certainly as long as this blog has existed, and that was in 2013.

Our dance has been going on all that long, and we're just now getting to the good part.

This week. I've been wrong about so many damn things this week. About myself, about people that I thought cared about me. About how this week was going to end.

I never once imagined this would be where I am.

The insane whirling dervish that has been my life ended. You replaced it with peace and calm and unconditional love. Unconditional.

It is returned to you, baby... unconditionally, for now and forever. You are a gift that I have kept on the shelf far too long. No more. Never again. This is my promise and my vow to you. I will never take you for granted again. My treasure. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Quite simply, you're mine. I'm yours. That's it. This is it. Us.

Finally. Finally.

I love you without reservation. Without qualifications, without conditions. Without filters. 😌

I loved you before I could say the words. I love you today.

And I will most assuredly love you tomorrow and for all our tomorrows.

I. am. yours.

Recent Posts