Saturday, November 2, 2019

The Frustration

Yeah... so I guess I'm back, huh?
That was a super long break I took there, right? I really did intend to leave this blog behind, but it turns out I need it.

I have things I need to figure out. Stuff I need to get out of my head.
Am I happy? Yes, unquestionably. I'm in love as well. He's one of the few good ones.

The problem, however, is that the man has absolutely no interest in sex. None. Nada. Zip. Zilch. No passion. Nothing.
And this horny old broad desperately wants to have sex with him. I'm feeling all the passion for both of us. It's killing me. It. is. killing. me.

We cuddle. We snuggle. We kiss. I understand his reasons for his lack of interest, but that's not making it any easier because I cannot understand his steadfast determination to not want to try to fix the reasons.
I am absolutely frustrated beyond the telling of it.

And none of that changes the fact that I am absolutely head over heels in love with him. He's so perfect in every other way.

It's just this one damn thing.
It's usually the other way around, right? The woman is supposed to be the one who just wants to cuddle. This is all ass-backwards and I'm all discombobulated.

I've gone from a man who craved sex pretty much every second of every hour of every day to someone who I practically had to beg to start giving me kisses.

What the hell am I doing, you guys?
I am a sexual woman. I have sexual desires and needs and cravings and aches and wants galore.

It's something I've reveled in. It's something that almost broke me when it disappeared for a while because it's such a deep intrinsic part of who I am.

I'm only 50. I'm not ready to give up sex. I don't ever want to give up sex.
So what the ever-loving fuck am I supposed to do?

"Honey, I love you more than anything in the world, but I'm going to have to go out and get some cock."

I have no idea what his response would be to that. I already feel like he thinks I'm some sort of insane whore for the cravings I have. He's never said anything of the such, but... god.
It's about the sex, yes, but it's more than that. It's about the passion. That hunger two people feel for each other, that desire, that need to be inside each other.

Yes, I know it's Second Life and we're more than a thousand miles apart in the real world, but it's all we have for right now.

Passion and love go hand-in-hand for me. It's just beyond me how you can have one without the other.
Two people who are in love are supposed to want to make love.

Otherwise isn't it just a platonic friendship?

I want him. Without even trying, and he really doesn't try, I'm aroused by him. His other amazing qualities all combine into one man who I find insanely delicious.
He loves me - this I know. He needs what he gets from me. The companionship, the friendship, and yes, the physical contact when we meet every night to cuddle.

But what am I supposed to do about my needs? He would probably, if I asked, let me take liberties with his person while he reads a book or something, but what fun is that? Passion is a river that should run both directions meeting in a swirling vortex of sweaty bodies and tangled limbs. I have always fed off the pleasure of the man I'm with.

I can't feed off the pleasure when there is none there.
I can step back and let him know that if we aren't going to have sex, we can only be friends. I know that wouldn't work, though. I can't be just friends with him, and it would devastate me to lose him. I don't know what I would do without him in my world.

I look so forward to every second we have together, and then end up feeling empty.

This is unlike anything I've ever encountered before in Second Life.

I don't know what to do.
What the hell am I supposed to do?

Sunday, October 20, 2019

The End.

It's entirely possible that I've blogged all I'm going to blog.

Of course, it's also possible that I've not.
But... I think I'm done.

Life has changed - SL has changed. I'm head over heels in love with the best man ever. I'm also not doing the sex anymore.

I know, right?
I'm not going to adult regions, or clubs, or beaches. I spend my time either on Bellisseria, or my new mainland parcel, or my little secret hidden spot where my fella and I can be alone and quiet.

My away message is on all the time.
To say the very least, my interests have changed.

I won't shut this blog down, though. Too much of my history, my heart, and my soul have gone into it over the years.
For now, though, I'm done.

I'm sure I'll still post pics on Flickr, and I'm sure my boobs will still be front and center in them.
My words are for myself now, though, and one other person.

And that's where my happiness lives.
Thank you all for reading all these years, for your valuable input, opinions, and ideas. It's been magical, truly.

See you soon. 💗

Friday, September 6, 2019

State of Grace

I've been off work all this week, and have been trying to write this post all week as well.

Throughout the history of this blog, I've never had trouble trying to figure out what to write about. My (second) life has pretty much been an open book, hasn't it?
Something rather odd happened this week, though. Someone tried to use this blog, and the words and pictures contained therein, to shame me. Embarrass me.

I don't have a lot of longtime friends in SL. So many people who have been in SL for years and years still remain friends with people they met in their early days. I have none of those, mainly because I took that yearlong break and most of the people I knew before were gone when I came back. Since then, I really only have two... well, three, counting Finn... people that I've known for ages. I don't talk to them often, but they're the ones who stay on the list no matter what. I've gotten better in the last year or so about not necessarily cutting every single person out whenever I move on to something new.

I do that... move from one thing to another... a lot, and this blog has followed me through each phase of my SL.

It really hasn't followed me, though, in the phase I'm in now. To me, that means this phase is very different from all the others. I'm not even really certain how to explain this one. Finn and I split, mainly because his RL is encompassing pretty much 100% of his time, and I need more than that. I love him, I always will. The heart has an infinite capacity for love, and he is one of the ones who will be there forever, even though we aren't together.
That has left me as a single woman. In the past when that has happened, I go into the phase of hanging out in the adult clubs and taking on new lovers until something sticks. I haven't been to the first one this time. Truly, I haven't been to one in ages. Other than a couple of times with Finn, I haven't been to one since the middle of April when I landed my houseboat on Bellisseria.

When I snagged that houseboat, I had no idea how much it was going to change my life. I had no idea anything was going to change. Finn and I were going strong, I was hanging out in decadent clubs every night, wearing the skimpiest, sexiest clothes I could find, and doing everything the same way I had for years.

Bellisseria brought a new kind of fun into my SL. It brought me PG rated friends, and groups, and neighbors, and activities. And it's been an incredible amount of fun. I've made friends with people I'd never have thought would ever be in my circle, or thought I'd be in theirs.
And because their lives are very different from that of the Beth Macbain of six months ago, I don't feel comfortable talking about them here. There is a discretion in my life now that has never been there before.

So, yes, it set me back for a minute when that person (not going to name him - that would give him far too much satisfaction) tried to use my blog against me. I had a moment of "oh, god, such-and-such is going to see me in all my slutty, whorish glory."

And isn't that sort of feeling just the absolute antithesis of everything this blog has ever been about?
How unauthentic I would be if I suddenly became ashamed of my past? Everything I've spoken of, everything I've shown here... every woman that I've encouraged when she's come to me and said she wished she could be as free with her sexuality as I am.

I may have changed. I may have moved forward. I may not be having sex at all right now. None of that changes the fact that I am who I am, and that's because of every single experience I've ever lived through.

I cannot be ashamed of that. I will not be ashamed of that. I'm proud of this blog, I'm proud of this journey I've been on, and am still on, and I'm proud of being able to share it as I have.

I'm proud of me. That much hasn't changed.

Where I stand today is due to a variety of things. Moving to Bellisseria is part of it, yes. Another part is that I'm in the midst of what I hope is the very worst of my menopause and it has done a number on my libido. I haven't had any urges to have sex. I've wanted to, yes, but they just haven't been there for the most part. I've had a few orgasms, and the tingles are returning a little bit stronger each day, but it's nothing like it used to be. I could write an entire blog post on how miserable this process is - the hot flashes, the dead libido.

It's also all hitting just as I'm about to turn 50.
The year before the big milestone birthdays has always been far worse than the actual year of hitting the milestone. 29 sucked, 39 sucked, and 49 has sucked. I think it's the uncertainty of what will happen when I hit those milestones, but the fact is that 30 was probably the best year of my life. 40 was pretty awesome, too, and I have no reason to believe that 50 won't be great as well.

Oh, and there is a man as well. Someone who I won't talk about, but who has become incredibly special to me. It's not sexual - at least, not yet. It is an amazing friendship that is based on everything in the world other than sex, and it's utterly sublime. There's no expectation for me to always be ready to toss of my clothes and fuck... and that is blissful. I'm sure I'd be frustrated as hell if my libido were fully charged, but since it's at maybe 10%-15% battery power right now, it's just really nice to not feel like I have to be sexual.

But enough about that, out of respect for him, and also just because it's really nice to have something that I'm not blasting out to the world for some sort of approval, or to send a message about women and sexuality or whatever.

Long story short, though. I'm not ashamed of who I am or who I've been. I'm Beth in both worlds. I have a zillion facets, and there is no one person who knows them all, but I'm not ashamed of a single one of those facets, and that absolutely includes the sides of myself I've shown on this blog.

Once upon a time, I was terrified that I'd be doxxed, and that people in my real life would find out about this side of me. One of the great advantages of growing older is the absolute ability to not give a single fuck any longer about things like that. The truth is that my boss would laugh. My family, now that my parents are gone, would also laugh. My RL friends would laugh. Not at me, but at the idea that anyone would think that they'd care or think less of me because I have a cartoon avatar that I've used endlessly in the pursuit of orgasms, and love as well.
I did have one person in my life that would be utterly mortified. A best friend that I tried like hell to explain SL to, and my relationship with Hugh. When we broke up, and I was understandably upset, she told me it wasn't real.

That pretty much destroyed 25 years of friendship. There were other things, but her complete unwillingness to bend an inch, or to have the slightest bit of empathy caused me to see her in a different light. Why would I want someone who was so disapproving of me in my life? Yes, she would be mortified by the things in this blog, but she's also not a part of my life any longer.

The people who are still there, the people who matter, wouldn't give a damn about what I've got up to under the pseudonym of Beth Macbain, and if I'm not going to feel any shame with those people, why in every hell would I feel any shame with the new people in my second life?

I'm not. So, to the insignificant, unhappy little beast who tried to embarrass me, allow me to dedicate this post to you. You failed. I should thank you, really, for the spike in traffic you brought me. You've reminded me of all the reasons I started this blog in the first place, and perhaps even renewed my interest in it.

Thank you for sending me into my 50th year on a high note.

This one is for you.
Y'all didn't think I was going to stop showing of my tits, did you?

Sunday, June 30, 2019


(Yes, there are dirty pictures, but you have to read down to the bottom(ish) of the page to see them!)

I have not written a post in FOREVER, have I?

Stuff has been going on, you guys. I have lots of stuff to talk about. Changes here, changes there, changes, changes everywhere!

And not a single one of them has been bad. Well, okay, that's not true. Two of them have been bad.

One of them is that my love has real life going on. I won't get into it because it's his story, not mine, but he's temporarily away from SL. I miss him, of course. I love him to the moon, and stars, and galaxies beyond. That absolutely hasn't changed. I'm an extremely lucky woman, but yeah, of course I miss him, and that's all I'm saying on that subject. I love my man, we're still together, and we're still in a good place.

The other shitty thing that has happened is that my libido died, and I wasn't entirely sure I was going to be able to resurrect it. I know it's perfectly normal, but this time it scared me a little. You see, I turn 50 in a few months. FIFTY!! How the hell did THAT happen? So, yeah, this time when my libido took a dive, it frightened me a bit. I don't ever want to lose my sex drive.

I knew panicking about it wasn't going to help so I threw myself into other things. Non-sexual things. PG rated things. I moved onto one of the new houseboats on Bellisseria (more about that in another blog post) and started hanging out on the SL forums, which are absolutely PG. Hell, I've even been spending a lot of time at the SL birthday celebration.

By the way, it's pretty freaking cool. You should totally go check it out.

Living on Bellisseria has taught me something. There are people in Second Life who don't have sex.


I know, right?? What the hell do they do with their time??

Oh, they go to thinks like the SL birthday celebration and hang out on the forums.


I wanted my libido back. I needed it to come back.

My sexual self is a huge part of who I am. I have enjoyed exploring other things, and I'm not going to stop doing that, but I desperately needed to get back my urge to fuck. For the last few months, Finn has been the only person able to make me orgasm, and that includes myself.

And no, I don't consider it masturbating when I'm having sex with Finn because I absolutely don't feel like I'm alone.

But he hasn't been around in a few weeks. I had no orgasms. I. Had. No. Orgasms.

Not even an urge for an orgasm. Not even tempted to go out and about in SL and find someone to fuck. No urge to watch porn. Nothing. Zip. Nada. Zero. Zilch.

Something happened last night and I don't know what. It was late, I wasn't online, and was watching Hulu or something. And... there was a little twinge down below. Just a little... I don't know. A glimmer of hope because I started to get a tingle in my girly bits.

I wasn't going to let that pass me by without trying to do something about it. First time in far too long that I was feeling any sort of arousal. THANK GOD.

I pulled up some porn. The good stuff. I grabbed the Hitachi because... well, really, I just wanted to cum. I didn't need any finesse. I went straight for the big gun.

Y'all, it was not easy. Sometimes you have to work for an orgasm and that really isn't fun. Even though it was actually really very difficult to do, I fucking stuck with it. Me, my Hitachi, and some porn.

God damn it, I was going to have an orgasm if it killed me.

It took a good half an hour, and if you know me at all, you know it never takes me half an hour to orgasm. Hitachi on the clit, porn on the computer... change the porn, stop for a minute, start new porn, Hitachi back on the clit... repeat. Repeat. Repeat. Repeat.

But by god, I did it. It wasn't my best orgasm... I can't even say it was a good orgasm, but it was a fucking orgasm all the same.

And you know what? That's all I needed. Just that one. I slept long and deep afterwards. I woke up today feeling fabulous. I did things, like finally get my Bellisseria X group active (more about that in another post, too).

And best of all, I did this.
It is really, really, really good to have really, really, really good friends.

Nat and Jude are two amazingly good friends. Old friends, though we went our separate ways for a couple of years, but we've repaired our friendship and it's wonderful. 

And these two were there for me tonight in a big way. I literally burst onto their houseboat without warning and shamelessly came on to them because I WAS FUCKING AROUSED and needed to do something about it.
I love these two. I seriously do. They are so good for me and gave me exactly what I needed from them.

I don't consider myself bisexual. I don't consider myself straight, either. I like who I like. I'm attracted to who I'm attracted to.

Nat is fucking hot. She's gorgeous and kind and funny. I wanted to make her cum all over my face.

I wanted cock and I wanted pussy. They gave me both.
God, you guys... these two.

Jude went deep, deep inside me and fucked me hard like I needed. Nat fed me that sweet little pussy of hers and I loved licking her, and kissing her, and making her cum in my mouth.

Tasting her was so fucking delicious. I just lapped it all up and loved it and I absolutely shattered and creamed all over Jude's cock buried so deep inside me.

I needed that so badly.
Nat and Jude have been together longer than any couple I know in SL. They recently celebrated 11 years together. I love being able to bring a little spice into their lives, though they have plenty of fun without me, too.

But they're a really special couple and they are so good to me. Did I mention that I love them?
We had so much fun tonight. It was so awesome to just be able to... god, just fuck. I'm so comfortable and relaxed with them, and I didn't have to hold anything back and it was just raw and fast and wonderful.

I am so damn glad my libido is back! It's time for me to get back up on the proverbial horse and start being ME again.

And I could not be happier about that.

Friday, April 12, 2019

This Man of Mine

I made a bet with someone.

A stupid bet, not because I'm not going to win it, but because of who I made the bet with.

An ex. A not-very-kind ex. An ex that I, quite frankly, don't owe a god damn thing to.

So why did I take the bet? And what is the bet?

Let me talk about life with Finn for a minute first.
He makes me glow.
More precisely, life with Finn when Finn can't be inworld, and my raging libido. Also, I suppose, life for Finn with me when I can't be inworld, and his raging libido.

Our libidos... they rage. Hard. And it's fucking amazing when our times line up and his libido and my libido get to crash into each other and do dirty things until we both can't move.

Sadly, though, that doesn't happen nearly as much as we'd like, yet our libidos still rage.

When we first got back together, we talked about how we wanted things to be between us. Monogamy came up.

It came up for like half a second and then we both laughed because neither of us want that and would suck at it if we tried. We want to do ALL THE THINGS and ALL THE PEOPLE.
That moment... just before the penetration.
And it turns us both on knowing the other has been with someone else. We like hearing the naughty details and seeing pictures and talking about how erotic (or not) it was. Sometimes we're able to be on Skype together even if we can't be inworld, and get to hear the salacious details as they happen.

Knowing these things about each other, having this comfort to know we're able to be as sexually promiscuous as we want to be... there's something about it, you guys. Something freaking amazing.

In the past, when I've gone out looking for sex, I've also been looking for something more whether I realized it or not. I was looking for love and orgasms. It didn't work for many, many reasons.
The unbearable wait...
But now? Oh my hell. Now it's soooo different. When my libido starts raging and Finn isn't around and I go out looking for some cock, it's a completely different ballgame. I'm not looking for love. I've got that. Don't need it from anyone else. Finn is everything I need when it comes to matters of the heart.

And this has given me a sort of sexual freedom I've never had before. I can go out and pick up a man, have sex, and walk away.

That doesn't sound like such a big deal, does it? But if you've read my blog over the years, you know damn good and well that this is something that has been pretty impossible for me to achieve. True no-strings-attached sex.

It's fun, y'all! Seriously fun. Dirty fun.
Already dripping for him.
And I'm going to let you guys in on a little secret. I've always orgasmed when I fuck in SL, meaning that if I'm having sex in SL, I'm also playing in RL. I've never seen the point in role-playing and basically just writing a story but... yeah, that's changed a little now. I've found that as long as the man I pick up is fucking gorgeous, he can be a quiet emoter (not a crap emoter... that is still a big no-no) and I can do whatever I want, write the story however I want without much participation from him, snap a few pics, and then, when it's all over, use my own story and my pics and cum. I might be faking it in the moment, yeah, but I so use the material afterwards!

This isn't an every time thing. I'd much rather be with a gorgeous man who is there with me in the moment, and we both actually cum while we're fucking. It's just that sometimes the spark turns out to be more of a flicker, or our styles just don't mesh, or whatever. And that's okay. I'm not going to walk away disappointed because I'm still going to cum... just on my own terms.
Ah... there it is.
I'm with my perfect partner. I'm with the man I should have been with years ago and held onto. I'm holding on to him now. No fucking way I'm letting him go. I love him more every single second. He's my amazing husband who not only lets me be me, he loves me being me.

And that leads me back to my stupid bet. As I'm enjoying this newfound no-strings-sex, I've also reached out to several of my exes for sex. I already know they're good at it, or I'd have never been with them in the first place so I thought, hey, why not?

Yeah, that hasn't really worked. They're exes for a reason, right? But one in particular... one I should have never fucking reached out to... he's the one I made the damn bet with. He knows my history with men, and thinks he knows me, and thinks he knows that I will absolutely fuck things up, and send Finn running for the hills.
Doesn't look like he's getting ready to run...
So he made the bet with me and I accepted it. If Finn and I make it through the end of 2019, he'll fuck me no-strings-attached. If Finn breaks my heart, I have to become this guy's obedient little slave.

At the time I made the bet, I was pissed off and indignant, and didn't think twice about it because I know damn good and well Finn loves me, has loved me for years, and is going to continue to love me.

I'll win the bet. That's not what's so stupid about it. The stupid thing is that I made the bet in the first place because when I win... yeah, no, I'm not fucking this guy.

He's ugly inside and out. I mean, he's not even got a mesh head yet, much less Bento, and wears tacky ill-fitting mesh clothes, and is one of those guys who is utterly insecure in his masculinity and has to have all his sliders cranked up to 100 so he towers over everyone to make himself feel superior. He's ugly on the inside because he's got the emotional maturity of a zygote, and treats every women he's ever encountered like shit. He doesn't like women. He's mentally abusive and misogynistic and arrogant in place of self-confidence.

His one thing is that he was blessed with a sexy voice and his moans make me cum. That's it. His one and only redeeming quality, and that's just really not worth the hassle of putting up with all the other bullshit.
This is my joy.
And if something should happen and Finn breaks my heart? I would delete Beth Macbain and leave SL before I would submit to this guy and become a slave that he is determined to break.

Fuck a bunch of that. And, seriously, fuck him. Actually don't. Run away from him if you encounter him. Run fast and far and don't look back.

Just being around his sleazy ass for a few minutes brought it all home for me again. Finn is a spectacular human being. He's kind and gentle and cares about people. He has empathy and intelligence. He's funny and makes me laugh. He's masterful and dominant without being degrading or misogynistic.

He is everything this other guy is not.
The snuggle is real.
He's really kind of perfect, you guys. Perfect for me. He makes me proud of being his. Makes me proud to give himself to him, to submit, to let him own me. He doesn't see that as a way to prove his superiority to me. We're equals.

And, god, I love him. I just love him.

Sunday, March 17, 2019

Saturday Night Fever

Time for something a little lighter than my last few posts.

Yes, that's his fist inside me. Yes, I'm a kinky dirty girl.
I really love sex, y'all.

I know that's a revelation, right? The mister had the flu this week, though, and I went without my favorite activity for a few days.
He eats the ass. He's such a keeper... lol.
Mind you, I'm a big fan of eating his ass, too. I believe that may be one of the first things we bonded over all those years ago. Finn gets my kinks. He not only gets them, he has them, too. This is the man I have never had to be shy about saying "Honey, do you think maybe you could try fisting me sometime?"

What gets me off, gets him off. What gets him off, gets me off.
I love all kinds of sex. Soft, romantic... hard and fast. Deep, dirty, kinky. It all depends on my mood. Sometimes I want him to be a lover. Sometimes a master. Sometimes even my daddy. He feeds me... all my desires. All my needs.

I'm safe with him.
I know that when I send him a message telling him I really, really need his cock in my ass, I'm going to get it. Hard. I know he gets that I'm a pain slut, and he'll make it hurt for me... just enough. The kind of pain that makes my thighs quiver and my pussy flood.

Never degrading. Never humiliating. Never.

He respects me... respects my needs.
He knows I'm going to give it back to him just as good as he gives to me. I'm going to drain him, every drop of cum. Mine. All for me.

I crave his orgasms as much as he does.

It's funny because to hear me tell it, or to read these words, you'd think that's what our relationship is, and has always been, based on.

It's really not, though. It's just that since we first connected, it's always been like liquid heat between us. And with him being out of SL for so long, we haven't been able to do this.
Skype sex is great. Voice sex is fucking amazing. God, I adore this man's voice, but we aren't able to do that as much as we'd like.

It's been mostly limited to Skype text since he left SL, but now he's back, and we can have this kind of intense connection again.
One orgasm is never enough for me. Not with anyone, ever. I cum easily. I cum a lot. Finn lets me go until I'm sated. Until I'm completely fuck-brained and unable to type or form coherent sentences, even after he's filled me and is close to passing out.

I love that about him. He knows when I'm not quite finished. When there is still one more deep orgasm left inside me that I need to have. 
So, yeah. Life is some kind of wonderful right now... and it bleeds over into the real world as well. There is a confidence in knowing someone loves you without conditions or restrictions.

When I say I'm glowing, I mean I'm really glowing. Ask the people in my real life... they're wondering why I'm so damn giddy all the time suddenly.
This is the reason.
I've never felt so free, and isn't that an odd thing to feel when you partner someone? I'm not walking on egg shells anymore or tip-toeing around my words and feelings and always wondering how he's going to take something I say. 

He listens to me, and more importantly, he hears me. He knows why I blog. He knows why sometimes he's going to wake up to a wall of text from me babbling about god-knows-what (just like this post which is really just an excuse to post a bunch of dirty pictures). He knows I'm his, and that I'm so fucking happy I could cry.
Why now? Why so quickly?

Because he gave me everything I've ever wanted. He's been offering it to me for years and I was too shy, or scared, to take it. It's never been our time. 

It is now. It's finally our fucking time. How long will it last? I'm not going to question. It'll last as long as it lasts. It's here today, and it'll be here tomorrow. He will be here.

And that is everything I've ever wanted.

Saturday, March 9, 2019

The Art of Noise

So yeah, it's been a pretty eventful couple of weeks for me.

I'll take some calm now, thankyouverymuch.

And, yes, I know the... excitement... was all drummed up by me.
I've been doing a lot of thinking recently, a lot of introspection. There's a buzzword that's floating around everywhere right now... Mindfulness.

I'm trying to practice a lot of mindfulness.

What does that mean? Well, the dictionary definition says it's the "basic human ability to be fully present, aware of where we are and what we’re doing, and not overly reactive or overwhelmed by what’s going on around us."

The problem with that definition is that I'm not sure it's so basic. Sure, we all have the ability but it takes work.

After Dad died, I went through a period immediately after of BEING FINE, DAMN IT. That was pretty much my response to everyone and everything, including myself. I am fine. I have my life back after being a caretaker for years. I can do anything I want now. My life is free and mine again. I am fine, I am fine, I am fine...
I was not fine and I didn't even realize it. I lied to myself and it caught up with me. I went from stubbornly being fine to being... nothing.

Numb. Everything was just replaced by numbness. I know now that I was suicidal. I didn't have any plans to off myself or anything like that, I just didn't want to exist anymore. I found myself without a purpose in living and I thought that life was worthless without that. All of my feelings were just replaced by numbness.

What happened to get me out of that, or to even make me realize something was wrong? I wish I had an answer for that. Time, maybe? The numb started to give way to pain and I felt it acutely, physically as well as mentally. Hiding it wasn't possible and I didn't even really try. People around me saw it... it was raw and showed on my face and in my actions every second of every day.

I got a lot of support, a lot of kindness, but it didn't help. I needed help.

I went to therapy and it was life-changing due to a few simple words.

The therapist sat and listened to me... all the words, all the pain, all the tears. I sobbed and sobbed and let it all out. Once I started talking and crying, I couldn't stop.

And she told me something that sounds so simple now but, hell, it was something I never once considered.
She told me to be kind to myself.

She told me to stop being so hard on myself.

I believed I was a failure. I'd failed at so many things... I failed at being there when Dad died, I failed at being a complete woman because I didn't have my own family, I failed at being healthy and thin and perfect. I failed at having a job that paid a lot of money.

I failed, I failed, I failed, I failed and I was a failure.

I'd never said those words aloud before, not even to myself, but I felt them deep in my core.

It took a stranger, my therapist, on my very first visit, to tell me I wasn't. To tell me to just cut myself some damn slack and look at all the things I haven't failed at, and all the things I thought I failed at, and see some truths.

And I did.

And that's when my mindfulness journey began.

It's not been a smooth road, or a perfect road, or an easy road. I don't think it's a basic ability. I think it's something you have to work at and recognize and learn. You have to look deep within yourself, and then turn that outwards and see how you affect those around you.

And accept tripping up sometimes. I've done that recently, but I'll get to that.

You have to look at who you are, inside, and question whether or not that is the person you want to be. You have to look at who you are and what impact you have on other people.

It's not always good, folks. The impact I have on others is not always good and that's a hard pill to swallow.

I bet it's hard for you, too, isn't it? Because none of us are perfect.

Mindfulness, to me, is accepting that, as well as looking, hard, at the things I can do to change how I impact people, or in some cases, letting it go because the damage is too much to heal.

And forgiving myself for that.

So how do I reach my mindfulness? I'm sure it's different for different people, but for me, it's discovering ASMR.

What's that, you ask? It stands for autonomous sensory median response.
So what the hell does that mean? It's a sensation... a tingling sensation brought about by certain sounds. It's mildly euphoric, and starts in the ears and spreads through the body.

Not everyone can experience ASMR. For some people, it just doesn't happen... there are no triggers. I thought I was one of those people for a while because the most common trigger sounds absolutely repulsed me.

And that's one of the curses of ASMR... there are a zillion triggers and some of them are good, and some of them are bad.

Mouth triggers absolutely turn my stomach. Whispering, mouth clicking and smacking, eating... all of those make me want to stab myself in the ears so I never ever have to hear them again.

But for many people, those are amazing. To me, they're like nails on a chalk board.

My big trigger, I've discovered, is sizzling. Not like food frying sizzling, but... god, hearing hair brushing or shampooing. That does it for me. That SO does it for me. Every night, I sit on the couch or lie in bed with my earbuds in, and pull up the videos on YouTube or playlists on Spotify and it takes me the fuck away.

What happens when I reach that state? Oh, the tingles... those fucking tingles. I listen to mostly binaural sounds... two mics set up to record so that when you listen back with earbuds, it's as if you are feeling everything. You know how it feels when you go to the salon and they wash your hair, or when someone scratches your back. It's that, for me.
Is it sexual? A bit, yeah. More sensual, maybe. I mean, essentially you're experiencing the feeling of being touched, and that's always a bit erotic, isn't it? Like there is nothing sexual about getting a professional massage, but still... you are naked on a table and someone is rubbing you from head to toe. Apologies to all the LMTs out there who bristle at the suggestion of their profession being sexual in any way, but... hell, being touched feels good. Feels really good, and the euphoric, tingling sensations don't just stop before reaching our erogenous zones. No, the tingles reach everywhere... the nipples, the clit, and for men, I assume they feel it in their cocks and probably their perineum.

But for me, ASMR takes it a bit deeper. Not quite to subspace, but it's similar for those of you in the BDSM world. After the initial rush, my brain settles into introspection, and it's a different type of introspection than how I usually get into my head and overthink things.

This is more a sense of clarity. It's that mindfulness I seek. It's not about pain or pleasure. It's about reality. I'm not sure this will make any sense at all, but it's almost like stepping outside myself in order to be able to see into myself.
It's where I both forgive myself for my true failures, as well as understanding that not all perceived failures are true failures.

It's where I forgive myself for not being there when Dad died because I needed some sleep. And also forgiving my sister for not calling me when it became clear the time was at hand, and also posting it on Facebook before calling me. I can be angry about that, still, and also forgive her because, firstly, I love her, and secondly, because I know she was alone with him and in shock. She didn't mean to hurt me and I won't make her pay for that forever because what good does that do?

It's where I forgive myself, forgive others, and also where I get absolutely clarity that I need to ask for forgiveness from others for things I have absolutely fucked up, and to also accept that I won't always receive that forgiveness, and that's okay, too. No one owes me forgiveness.

My mindfulness isn't about beating myself up. It's about learning, both the good things about myself as well as the bad, and learning to manage those, and learning that there will always be stumbles but that that only means that I failed at an action or response, not that I failed as a human.

So, yeah... mindfulness.

I did some bad things in the past few weeks. I reacted badly, I spoke badly, I behaved badly, and I hurt people, period, full stop.
I've forgiven myself, though I won't stop learning from it.

I've been forgiven, but I won't stop being aware of how I affect others.

And, yes, I've also most decidedly not been forgiven by some, and I accept and respect that choice.

I also accepted love and contentment and stopped fighting an internal battle over what I want and need. I've opened myself up to being loved by someone else, truly loved, and let myself love him just as much.

And I respect and understand that that love is deep and unique and will only be between the two of us, but that it doesn't mean I also can't and won't love others, because I will. It's who I am and fighting against my own nature is ultimately destructive, and not just to me.

I can meet someone and love them in an instant, and that, my friends, is the very picture of a blessing and a curse. It's wonderful that I can feel so much love, but it's an absolute horror that I have to fucking beat people over the head with my love. YOU WILL LET ME LOVE YOU, DAMN IT! 

I smother people with it, and then get hurt and lash out when they don't return that same love immediately in the same overbearing way I do. It's the INFJ in me. My nature, my instinct, tells me that I need to bring all the love I can into the world, whether people want it or not.

This is what I'm working on now. No two people love the same way and it's disrespectful of me to try to force my way upon anyone else. Ultimately, the way I love hurts others, and myself. 

This is... a bit of an epiphany to me, maybe. But I'm working on it. I know it's something I will need to work on forever. I won't stop loving, but I have to manage the way I love.
I like who I am. I don't always like things I do, and I don't always control them well. Those are facts. Accepting that, and also accepting that I can learn, and need to learn, and will never stop learning, how to be a better person, has brought some peace to my soul.

And I deserve that. We all do. Well, most of us do. There are some people who I believe are genuinely bad, but I think those numbers are low. I believe most of us, at the very core of our being, the heart of who we are, are good people with flaws.

Being alive is good. That doesn't mean that every second will be filled with bliss, nor should it be. How can we appreciate the good times if we never experience bad times?

But at the end of the day, being alive is a blessing, and it can be unexpectedly snatched from us at any moment. We should appreciate who we are because tomorrow we might not... be.

Let yourself be in the moment. Appreciate it for what it is. Learn. Never, ever stop learning.

And don't stop loving, either. Yourself and others. Manage it the best you can.

And be kind to yourself.

That's my own life lesson.

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