Sunday, December 16, 2018

It's A Bad Day

So it's been a minute since this bitch posted, huh?
More than a minute, actually. Three months.

That's the longest I've ever gone in the history of this little blog.

I guess I just really haven't had much to say. Second Life is Second Life. People come and go. The faces change, the drama stays the same. Blah, blah, blah, right?
Yeah, it's that time of year.

Fucking December. That's why I'm posting today. It's a special fucking day in a special fucking month.

Today is the anniversary of the last time I spoke with Hugh.
Three years. Three fucking years. We've now been apart longer than we were together.

I keep waiting for it to get easier. It hasn't.

We've not spoken a single word in 1,095 days and I still love that man as much as I did that day, and I loved him a lot that day.
I often wish we'd had a huge fight, or that we'd fallen out of love but that isn't what happened. I'm not going to rehash the horror that ended us, but... we were very much in love on December 16, 2015. Does he still love me? Yeah, he does. Don't ask me how I know when we've not spoken in three years, but I know he still loves me.

It's one of the things that keeps me going. It's a different kind of love than we had back then, but I know it's still there. You don't get that close to someone, share that much with someone, and have that love just die.

Somewhere out there in this big, hateful, rotten world of ours, there lives a man who knows me better than anyone else has ever known me. A man who saw all of me... the good, the bad, and the ugly... and he loved me entirely and still does. I know he thinks of me and smiles.
He made a vow. That vow wasn't to me, it was to someone else that he loves. If he hadn't kept that vow, if he had broken down and contacted me after we broke up, I think I'd have probably thought less of him but I know... I knew when he told me it would be the last time we spoke, that he was telling his best truth.

Because he's the best man. Flawed, certainly. We all are. But he was the best man for me and I still haven't gotten over him.

Most of the time I think of him and smile as well but it's days like this that the smile is hard to find. I know he's happy, and healthy, and that his life is in a good place. Yeah, I've internet-stalked him for three years and I'm not a bit sorry. I had to know he was well, and he is.
At the end of the day that's all I ever wanted for him. Something was missing from his life when he found me and I was able to fill that hole for two glorious years. Two insanely magical years. It was never meant to last... it's Second Life after all. But, god, those two years were the best. The very best.

And what have I been doing since then? Well, it's not been an especially great three years. I lost my dad. My depression has been an up and down battle every day. The job I loved has become almost unbearable. I'm more alone than I've ever been and that's scary.

I've never liked Christmas and all the fake cheer and forced celebrations and stress. After Dad died, I made the decision to start treating Christmas like any other day. Last year, I stayed home alone and I was fine with it.
This year I plan to do the same but for some reason it's harder. Maybe last year I was still numb with losing Dad and this year I'm just feeling it all so much more. And that's one of the reasons I dislike Christmas - it discriminates. It's great for people with big boisterous families or kids, but for those of us who don't have that, it sucks.

Oh, I've got family and they're great. I've been invited spend Christmas with all my siblings and their families but... no. I just can't. I don't want to fake the cheer and the joy and know if I went to any of their houses, I would just sit there wondering if I'd been there long enough so it wouldn't be rude if I left.
And every commercial, every ad, every person at work, every... everything... makes it seem like there is something terribly defective with me for not wanting to be part of any of it.

I'm fucking surrounded by people just chock-fucking-full of holiday cheer and goodwill towards each other.

Where is that feeling the other 364 days a year? Why do people need a fake holiday (December 25 is not the day Jesus was born... and he was just some dude, anyway) to be kind to each other, and give to charity, and do special things?

Because it's bullshit, that's why. None of it is real. People act the way they do around Christmas because they've been brainwashed to act that way. If it were genuine, they wouldn't need a special day to be... celebratory.
I'm just a fucking ray of sunshine right now, aren't I... lol?

Today's a bad day. It marks a memory of a day I wish had never happened. I miss my Hugh. 

But in less than 24 hours, it'll be December 17 and the anniversary will be past, and January will be here soon enough and next thing you know, it'll be spring and I'll feel that rebirth when the sun comes out and the flowers bloom. 
I just have to hold on until then and keep pressing forward and remembering the good things in this world. Trump is going to resign in shame... and hopefully go to prison. That's something to look forward to!

Oh, and orgasms! There are still plenty more orgasms to be had. I may be in a bleak place right now, but that didn't stop me from creaming all over a good friend's cock tonight, several times, and it was fabulous. He's not Hugh, but he's pretty fucking awesome in his own right.
And I went out into the woods naked but for a fur coat and rolled around in the snow so I could take these pictures. That was fun. I was surrounded by others wearing their winter finest all bundled up like you can actually feel the cold in Second Life and had to giggle at their disapproving (or jealous) stares. Second Life isn't the same for me as it was a few years ago, but it's still the place where I can be free to be who I want to be without the constraints of the real world holding me back.

And I still love it. No, it isn't the same, but I still have fun. In some ways the sex has gotten even better since I got over my disdain for voice sex. It's hot as fuck hearing someone else cum, and letting them hear me. I love it.
So, yeah, that's what's been happening for me the last three months. Same old, same old.

But today is a bad day. December 16 will always be a bad day.

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