Saturday, February 10, 2018

The D Word

I've been in Second Life for about 10 years now, on and off. Mostly on.

Something has changed. Or maybe I've changed. I don't know.
In the old days, Second Life wasn't a game to most people I encountered. It's never been a game for me. I consider Beth Macbain to be an extension of RL Beth, and not a character, or caricature of myself.

And people were good with that. Or, at least, the group of people I that were my friends were good with that. They approached SL the same way I did.

That's all changed in the past six months or so. And I'm not sure if it's me, or just the people I've found myself being friends with, or if it's all of SL.

I thought that the people in my SL world had the same approach I did, and I suppose that's my mistake for assuming. SL has always been a place where I could be a freer version of myself... I could be overtly sexual, I could speak my mind (especially on this blog) and the people I knew, my friends, loved me for being me.

The last few months, though... I don't know. I've allowed myself to play a role. And never once in that role have I felt comfortable or happy, but I did it anyway, because I have feelings for my friends and lovers and wanted to make them happy even though I wasn't getting what I needed out of my SL experiences anymore.

And that thing that I need? It's the ability to be myself... that more open version of myself that doesn't have to worry about how I act or what I say affecting my job or my family or the ability to keep a roof over my head. I've always considered Beth Macbain to be the me I would be if money were no object and I didn't have the constraints of having to be proper or restrained all the time.

Logging into SL used to be cathartic for me. It was where I could let my hair down and dance naked and love without limits.

But now I feel like in order to keep my friends and lovers, I have to be a combination of a proper woman who knows her place AND a sex machine that wants to do nothing more than fuck 24/7.

I don't feel like my voice is encouraged or appreciated anymore. And I don't feel supported in the slightest.

And I know I'm coming across as whiny right now.

But I'm hurt. I've always used this blog to speak my version of the truth. And though often I said things some people didn't like or spoke on topics that were controversial, I never, ever felt that I was unsupported for saying the things I did. I had friends and lovers who encouraged me to put my heart into this blog because they understand me and how I communicate. They understood that sometimes I had things I wanted to say but had trouble finding the right words for, or that I had a problem I was struggling with and used this blog to sort out the mess in my brain. That, for the most part, this blog is very stream of consciousness... I just start typing, edit it for spelling and grammar, add a few nudes, and hit "publish". My friends and lovers understood that either I had something I wanted to talk about, something I wanted them to read and think about. That I wanted to be able to use all my words to express my side of whatever it was that was roiling around in my mess of a brain.

Or they understood that I had to talk things out with myself... using this blog... and that when I hit the "publish" button, it meant I was putting something to bed. That I had gotten out whatever was troubling me, worked myself through it, and was ready to move on.

I've been told recently that maybe that's fine for me to do... but instead of hitting that "publish" button, I should just erase my thoughts and not put them out here for anyone else to read.

And maybe that's true. But one of the reasons I've also gone ahead and posted my verbal diarrhea is because it always seems to resonate with a few people. I get messages from people thanking me, or saying I was able to put into words exactly what they were thinking or feeling but couldn't express.

And I still get that from people. I'll be out somewhere and a stranger will approach me and say "Are you the Beth with that blog? Remember when you wrote about such-and-such? It felt so good to read that and realize I'm not the only one who thinks that..." or a million varieties of that.

But I don't get that from my friends and lovers anymore. I've been told that what I write here is nonsense. I've been told I lie. And I've been told "you shouldn't have said that."

And because these are the people I'm closest to inworld, it makes me start to believe that they're right.

Don't get me wrong... I've always known that what I post here is my version of whatever it is I'm babbling about. And I know I've certainly read situations wrong before. In the past I've had people that I've written about set me straight, not from a "Fuck you, you're wrong" perspective but from a "Wow, I didn't realize that's what you thought... let's talk about it and fix it" perspective.

I feel like all I've gotten recently is from the "fuck you, you're wrong" place.

And I'm torn... half of me absolutely thinks that they must be right. Maybe they are? I'm at a place right now where I'm just down on myself enough to think that they're absolutely correct and I'm just a terrible, awful, selfish bitch. That I don't deserve to have friends or lovers and that they'd all be better off without me.

And then the other half kicks in where I know I'm depressed and that when that happens, I get down on myself and project my insecurity onto how I think others must view me, because it's how I'm viewing myself. And it's a black hole I've been down before time and time again and know damn good and well that the blackness will subside and I'll get my strength back and realize that I'm not the literal worst person to ever exist.

And that's what I keep telling myself now, but I'm not really believing it. I would be lying if I said that in this past week, quite a few of my thoughts weren't about how nice it would be to just be able to... not exist... anymore.

No, I'm not suicidal. Put your phones down. I'm not thinking about killing myself... I'm thinking about how nice it would be if I didn't have to and it could all just be over, and that's two VERY different things. I have no intention of offing myself and this isn't some pity-party cry for help.

And it's also not SL related. It's real world things, but SL has always been my escape, but my escape is down just as... unhappy... as the real world is for me.

What am I getting at with this? Fuck if I know. Once again, I sat down here with the intention of talking about something entirely different than where this has gone.

Stream of consciousness, remember? This is nothing more than the fucked up dialogue going on in my head.

I've lost friends and lovers this week over a blog post that I wrote. I took it down (edit: an edited version is now back up). I barely even remember what it was about or what I was trying to say. I just know that whatever it was I was trying to express has caused the three people I was closest to in SL to turn their backs on me.

I don't separate RL Beth and SL Beth when it comes to who I am, inside, when I'm in SL. I have emotions, and sometimes they're raw. Often they're raw. I could log into SL and be the Barbie version of Beth... always happy, always smiling, always ready to fuck or whatever, but... I'm not an actress. I don't want to be someone else. I want to be me. In the real world, people get annoyed with each other, people stop speaking, and people also talk or fight it out, if they care enough about each other.

In SL, if you show emotions that aren't shiny and happy, you're causing drama.

Oh, yeah... that is where I meant to go at the beginning of this post. Drama.

Drama has become a word that is associated with any show of emotion in SL that isn't something light and fluffy... or erotic, in my case.

It used to be reserved for those who set out with the intent of making mischief or wreaking havoc. Now it's assigned to anyone who has an issue with anything. "Why are you causing drama?" "All you do is cause drama."

Drama has become the unofficial safe word of Second Life. If you want someone to stop what they're doing or saying, just throw up the big D word - DRAMA. It's a very convenient way to not have to deal with humans with human emotions and feelings.

And I think that's wrong. I think emotions and feelings are the best things about Second Life... the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because it's real. Humans DO feel these things... every single one of us, every single day.

Second Life is nothing but a game if you take the humanity out of it. Life isn't always sunshine, and puppies, and butterflies, and orgies.

Maybe I'm just hanging around the wrong places with the wrong people. Everyone should be entitled to use SL in the way they want to, in the way that works best for them. Maybe there are places and people in SL who still feel the same way I do... that's it's not just a game... and I just need to clear out some people on my friend's list and go looking for new ones.

Or maybe that would be fruitless... maybe SL has devolved into something that is nothing more than a game.

If that's the case, I don't want to be there, and that makes me sad. SL has brought me so many great things... the love of my life, freedom, self-discovery. It's brought me confidence and laughter and tears and joy. But maybe that Second Life is dead.

Or maybe I'm just in a black hole of depression.

Or maybe I really am just a shitty, worthless human shit stain.

Sunday, February 4, 2018

Leading with my Pussy

I want a man.

And, no, I don't want a man to fuck. Those are easy to come by. It's SL... pretty much every man wants to fuck.
I want a man that is mine. I want... er... a boyfriend. No, a partner, but not in the SL pay-L$25-to-put-your-name-in-a-box kind of way. I mean in the way of two people who put each other first, even though they aren't monogamous. I want a man who isn't afraid to admit he cares about me, deeply, and wants the world to know. I want him to romance me, seduce me, support me, love me, just as I will him. I want a man who doesn't want to change me, and understands that it takes compromise on both sides to make a relationship work.

I want a man who actually wants to have a relationship with me and will pursue that with me.

And, no, I don't think that's an unreasonable thing to want.

Recently I was lamenting that I seem to find myself involved with, and caring for, men who aren't interested in a relationship with me beyond sex.
The (now ex) friend that I was talking to helpfully pointed out to me that I "lead with my pussy". I think what he meant was that I'm so outwardly and openly sexual that I shouldn't be surprised when that's all men see me for.

And no, I'm really not surprised, at least in their initial reactions upon meeting me. I am, however, nearly always surprised when even after talking with me for a while that's still all they seem to think I'm good for.

I also understand the school of "well, if you don't want to be treated that way, don't act or dress that way."

Perhaps I should rephrase... I understand the exceedingly basic logic that follows that line of thought. I also disagree with it completely.

Because, really, fuck a bunch of that double-standard.
And her's why I think that's a double-standard. The places I hang out in Second Life are all pretty much adult in nature. You're as likely to see men walking around with their cocks out as you are women showing their tits.

Just as many men are "leading with their cocks" as there are women "leading with their pussies". And no one ever, ever says "hey, if you don't want to be treated like a piece of meat, don't dress or act like one."

See what I'm getting at here? It's the thing I keep fucking trying to beat people over the head with since day one of this blog - we still live in a society, even in SL where we're free from normal societal constraints, where it's okay for a man to be sexual, even promiscuous, but a sexual woman is a slut.

People, fuck... Jesus. Enough already.
Can we stop with it? Women are sexual creatures, too. And Second Life affords me the luxury of wearing my sexuality on my sleeve just as men do. And when I see a gorgeous man walking around SL with a gorgeous cock, my initial thought might be... well, probably will be... about fucking him but I don't think for one single second that that is all there is to him.

As a matter of fact, if a hot avatar is all he has going for him, I'm probably not even going to fuck him. Why would I? It would be incredibly boring and I can grab my dildo and take care of myself if that's all I want.

Are men really so shallow as to not contemplate the woman behind the avatar? That she's a real person and not just a pixel Barbie? That she isn't being run by a computer... she's a human?

No, I know they aren't. At least, most of them aren't. I know I have quite a few wonderful men who actually take the time to read this blog and know me. The best relationships I've had in SL have been men who read my blog and then approached me. Hugh, for example... the best example... I had no idea he was a fan of my blog until he IMed me out of the blue one day.
And the rest, as they say, is history. Pretty damn amazing history.

But I digress. A bit. Hugh knew I was extremely sexual... and he was just about as vanilla as vanilla gets, but he looked deeper. He always looked deeper, and he not only accepted me, he embraced me. All of me.

And, yes, even to this day, Hugh is still the gold standard and I'm afraid I still hold all men up to the high bar he set and few even come close. I also know it really isn't fair to all the men out there, but... well, that's just how it is. I had my unicorn.
Edit: Paragraph removed here due to hurt feelings.

And when a man gets me to let my walls down with him? I completely throw myself into it. I immerse myself in it. And, yeah, I know I'm a handful when that happens. Some guy gets inside, and I'm not just talking sex, and I want to dive in, all the way in. And it's intimidating, I know. It's a strong man who can ride out that brief period and still be standing when we come out the other side.

Because I do come out of that period of deep immersion... the newlywed phase, SL style.

Edit: More paragraphs removed here.
Edit: Even more paragraphs removed here.
So what was the point of this post? Ah, yes, leading with my pussy. I'm not going to stop being who I am. And if men are surprised to find that, yes, I love sex, and yes, I also love romance and that I want one special man in my life... no, not monogamy... but that one certain partner... and if these men can't handle me being multidimensional, that's really their loss, isn't it?

Because, yes, I'm a handful. Aren't we all? And maybe it's arrogant, but I feel confident in saying these two men, and many others that have passed through my life, are lucky as fuck to have me, wanting them, for more than just their cocks. And they're certainly free to pass me up. To pass me over. That's certainly their prerogative.

Just as it's my prerogative to put my walls up and not lower the drawbridge for them again.

Perhaps it's my loss when I do that... but you know what? They lose out on knowing me. I have issues and damages and baggage. Flaws and faults galore. I also have empathy and kindness. Intelligence and a rockin' sense of humor. I know how to fuck, and be fucked, and I know how to make love and rock a man's world. I'm every flavor of the fucking rainbow, and I know that my good far outweighs my bad.

Complicated, complex, convoluted and uncompromising. And quite possibly the very best thing to ever happen to a man.

Label me if you want. I won't. It would take the entire dictionary.

If a man can't hold on to me and see me through our immersion phase... again, it's my loss.

But more so than that.. it's their loss.

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