Saturday, September 23, 2017

Into The Darkness

I have always been of the belief that when Second Life isn't fun anymore, it's time to log off for a while.

It may be only a day, or two, or a week or even a month, but sometimes that break is necessary.

This is one of those times... for several reasons. Some are my own doing, some are others.

Let's start with those reasons first, shall we? Well, really, it's just one other person. Yes, ladies and gentleman, Michael mother-fucking Stewart. And, yes, I know I had it coming.

About 3, maybe 4, weeks ago, Michael was in Chicago, at O'Hare, getting ready to fly home from a business trip. We were chatting on Skype before he boarded the plane... he blew me some kisses and that was the last time I heard from him.

Pleading, begging, threatening, crying, cussing... nothing I did could get him to answer me. Oh, and not just me, either. He's not logged into SL (at least under THAT account), he's not contacted any other friends... he's just gone. 

For all I know, he could be dead. 

But yeah, I scoured the obituaries pretty hard and he has an unusual first name, and I found nothing so I don't think that's the case. And if he is dead, he won't be reading this anyway. 

No, he's just a dick, like so many other men. I'm not sad, or even really hurt anymore. Mostly I'm just disgusted. Mostly I think he's a coward. 

I've had people point out a couple of men that they believe are Michael's alts. I flat-out asked one of them and he, of course, denied it. 


I have no way of knowing. And at this point, it doesn't matter if his name is Tom, Dick, Harry or Michael. He can kiss my ass.

His departure left me with some other issues I had to deal with. Some I handled well... others, not so much. I did something I'm really not proud of, and that I thought I could live with but, no... I did an ugly thing and it's weighing on me like a ton of bricks. 

I've never been too terribly shy about the fact that my Second Life is all about sex with men. It's not part of my... God, I don't want to call it game play because I don't view SL as a game... but my pattern of behavior to have close female friends. I have one female friend in SL that I've had for years, and we hardly ever even talk. It's just nice knowing she's there. And when we do talk, it's rarely actually much about what is happening in SL as much as it is what's happening in our real lives. I would actually consider her more of an RL friend than a SL friend.

When I got together with Michael, we decided we wanted to be intimate friends with some other couples. 

And so we did. 

And then he disappeared.

One couple that I went through a lot with in relation to Michael... well, I just told them that I couldn't have anything to do with anything that reminded me of him anymore. Was that a shitty thing to do? Maybe. No. I don't know. I just know how I was feeling and I didn't want, and still don't really want, to talk about him. It makes me angry. 

But then there was another couple. A woman Michael had known for a long time and her partner. I really hit it off with them... both of them. She became what I would consider a close friend. We had a lot in common and she's just a really lovely person.

And then she and her partner broke up. I had a decision to make. Continue being friends with her, or continue being one of his lovers? 

Yeah, I broke the woman-code. I went with my "I'm in SL to fuck men, not be friends with women" line and crushed her. 

I thought I could live with that decision. SL is for sex, RL is for female friends. That was my delineation. 

And it still is. So why do I feel like such a piece of shit? 

Because I knowingly hurt someone, badly. Someone who absolutely didn't deserve it for some pixel cock. 

Oh, he's a good lover. He's great at the sex stuff. But I knew going into it that this wasn't a man I was going to fall in love with and have a relationship with. We were just going to fuck. And finding good lovers isn't all that easy in SL. 

So I chose him. 

And now I'm really not happy. 

And I feel like a terrible, awful person, and I deserve to feel this way. This isn't a plea for sympathy, or an attempt to make it about me. This other woman is a kind, beautiful soul. Funny, smart. Sympathetic, empathetic. She was a real friend to me and I shit all over her. I'm a monster for doing that. 

There were a hundred ways for me to handle that situation and I went low. I went very low. 

And that's not the kind of woman I am, not the woman I want to be. 

Second Life can be insidious. It can get inside your head and make you behave in ways that you shouldn't, wouldn't, in the real world. And I let it happen. That one is all on me. I could have turned my back on him, I could have turned my back on both of them. All I had to do was explain that I'm in SL for one reason... I didn't have to fuck him. I didn't have to have him. 

I did, though, and I feel dirty about it. 

That's really only happened to me once before in SL, years ago, when I created an alt to be with Hugh when I was partnered to someone else. I lasted less than a week because it made me feel dirty. I did the right thing then... broke up with my partner, told him the truth. It hurt him, but I was in love with Hugh. Sneaking around made me feel dirty.

And I feel dirty now and I can't fix it. I hurt her and no amount of saying I'm sorry would fix it. I dug my grave. 

So... yeah. Time for another break. 

Mind you, I say that as I'm logged into SL. But I'm not there to fuck. I can't stop shopping, and taking photos... maybe. I don't know. 

I'm just keeping quiet, keeping to myself, until I feel like I'm ready to face it all again.

Saturday, September 2, 2017

Revisiting Feminism

I know the subject of this blog post isn't going to be everyone's cup of tea, so I'm going to let you all look at some filthy photos of Michael doing Very Naughty Things to me while I rant.

Because I'm fucking going to rant about Taylor Swift.
Specifically, I'm going to rant about how she's being treated by this new generation of 3rd wave feminists.

You see, they don't like her. At all. They like to throw all sorts of insults at her... she's always playing the victim, she's a liar, she's this, she's that... but the one that really angers me is when they call her a "white feminist".

That's a thing now... white feminist... and it's not a compliment. What does it mean?

I'll give you a hint... it has to do with the color of her skin.
These "feminists", and no, I don't consider them actual feminists, are absolutely pissed off beyond belief that this pasty-faced, blonde white chick is... um...

What exactly is she doing? OH, yes, she's making music! She's writing songs and singing about what she knows, and no, it's not exactly a gritty urban upbringing. How fucking dare she, right? Who could ever relate to that?!

They've gone so far as to call her an Aryan Princess... the face of the neo-Nazis.

What? WHAT?!

No, seriously, they have. According to them, she's an icon within the white power movement.

What absolute and utter bullshit.

Why do they say this? Because she kept her politics to herself during the last election. She didn't yell about being Team Hillary, therefore she's obviously Team Trump, though she never said a bloody word about him, either.

I don't know how she voted. It's not anybody's god damn business. Would I have liked her to speak out? Sure... but it's not my fucking place to try to push her to do that.
And it makes me fucking livid that these "feminists" have branded her Public Enemy #1.

Look, I know that women of color are marginalized far more than white women. I'm not an idiot.

But I'd look like a total dumbass if I decided to take up the fight of the women of color, being as I'm not one. Do I support them? Abso-fucking-lutely. Will I have their backs in their struggle? Of course.

There are plenty of strong, intelligent, amazing women of color out there leading the charge, all across the spectrum of industries and politics. Wouldn't it be insulting for Taylor fucking Swift to try to fight their battles? They are doing great on their own... they don't need her to try to push them out of the way and speak for them. They have strong, amazing, clear and loud voices that should be heard.
So why is everyone dragging Tay-Tay, huh? Why can't she just be who and what she is and do her thing with Jezebel shitting all over her on a daily basis?

I choose my own path, and my own battles. I practice the kind of feminism my mother taught me. I'm old enough to be a product of 2nd wave feminism and I'm pretty damn proud of that. Being a woman has never once stopped me from doing or being anything I want to be because I never even considered that as an option.

Get in my way and try to hold me back because I have a vagina instead of a penis, and I'm going to mow you the fuck down without breaking a stiletto heel.

And if some little insignificant male has to believe I'm somehow lesser than he is simply because I'm homogametic instead of heterogametic, I'm just going to point and laugh at him cowering in the corner while I'm on my way to the top.
I'm also not naive enough to think that women of color don't have a more difficult time than I do.

As I said, I'm not an idiot.

But it's all gotten twisted together into one issue when it's really two... misogyny and racism.

Both are rotten and idiotic but they aren't the same thing. Right now, the problem in this country, the US, is racism. By and large, women aren't being held down by the patriarchy, despite what the 3rd wave feminists want you to believe. Most of these girls are still in college, are being influenced by each other, and have no idea what it's like out in the real world.

And seriously, out here in the real world, it's not bad for women. Are there still problems? Yeah, there always will be and we're always going to have to fight the good fight but no one is keeping us home barefoot and pregnant.

Donald Trump is an absolute piece of shit. He's the worst thing to happen to our country since Jim Crow laws. Yes, that includes 9/11. Trump as president is far worse for the United States than 9/11 was in terms of damage. For all the horror of 9/11, this country united in its wake.

But the Trump presidency? Dividing our country in two and it's going to take ages to fix it. The man hates anyone who isn't white. Truly, the man hates most everybody, but he's found his niche in scaring stupid white people into fearing anyone who isn't as pasty as he is. Yes, I know he's actually orange but I'm talking about underneath the fake tan.
THIS is what we should be enraged by... not Taylor Swift. I mean, Jesus, seriously, people. It's Taylor Swift.

Don't get me wrong... I fucking adore her, but, c'mon... it's Taylor Swift. She's singing songs about boys for the most part, though I'm loving this new angry Taylor.

I could write for ages about how she's been misinterpreted and wronged by the pop press and the world at large but I'm going to try to refrain a little.

I think she's gotten a bad rap for a lot of things. So she's dated a few guys over the last decade... She's a young woman in her 20s. Better she date around than get married to some dude just because and have it end in yet another celebrity divorce. Jesus, when I was her age, I'd dated far more guys than she has. People, that's fucking normal.
And as for her music, and writing songs about her exes... who the fuck doesn't do that?! EVERY songwriter writes about love, the good and the bad. It's what they fucking do.

I didn't see anyone giving Timberlake shit when he wrote Cry Me A River. 

She writes songs that young women relate to. Heartbreak is a big theme in music, you know? Why does she get so much grief over it? Not your kind of music? Okay, great! So what? Don't listen and move on with your life!
Playing the victim? How about "not taking any shit"? She refuses to put up and shut up... Talk about feminism! Bravo for her. People are so good at ragging on her music that they don't take the time to listen to it. 

And the shitty thing is that it's mostly women. We're our own worst enemies. 

Ladies, you can't claim to be a feminist and then turn around and slam other women for behaving, saying, existing in ways you don't approve of!

That isn't how it fucking works. You can support her without liking her music. You can support her without relating to her. 
And that's why I can't stand this 3rd wave feminism bullshit. It's all a bunch of college aged social justice warriors who believe their way is the only way. Feminism is about being the woman you want to be, and not letting anyone stand in your way. 

It's about being strong. Forging your own path in this world. For Christ's sake, it's about not taking any shit for being who you want to be! You don't get to tell any woman who she can and can't be, damn it, or how she's supposed to act, or look, or dress, or sing, or vote, or speak. 

I don't know where these women are getting their entitlement from... this belief that they get to pave the way for other women. I paved my own. Yes, there were other women along the way that may have cleared it, but damn it, I paved it. 

And I didn't have to do it on the backs of other women that I knocked down and crawled over. Other women helped me, I helped other women. The women in my life have supported me, as I have them. 
It's stupid to be trying to shut other women up because you don't like the words they're saying, or sometimes not saying. 

You just don't get to do that. 

Be fucking nice to each other. Don't give in to the divisiveness that Trump is fostering. Just be kind. Turn the other cheek. Be who you want to be, not who anyone else thinks you should be.

But don't be mean.
Oh, and have sex. Lots of it. With people who make your toes curl.

Like this guy. ;-)

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