Monday, March 27, 2017

Ghost in the Machine

The machine, of course, being my computer.

And my ghost's name is Tholgar. Stupid name, right? That should have been my first clue.
I had to think long and hard before writing this. I needed to make sure that I wasn't guilty of doing what I'm accusing this jackass of doing.


Yes, there have been times I've defriended someone in SL without so much as a word, but they weren't men that I was in an actual relationship with. They were guys that I've slept with a couple of times then never clicked with again. They weren't reaching out to me, I wasn't reaching out to them and there just was no reason to keep them on my list. And had any of them contacted me about it, I would have explained.

I've not done what this tiny-dicked joke of a man did.
Being an adult is hard. I get it. It is! But you know what? Tough shit. Being an adult means that you sometimes have to do things that aren't necessarily pleasant.

Like breaking up with someone, for instance. It's never an easy conversation, it's never a fun conversation, but it's what you do when you're a fucking adult.

Ghosting someone is bullshit. There is no good excuse for it. This wasn't a casual thing - it didn't last long, but it was a relationship. He had access to my house. Hell, I even Skyped with him. We talked about stuff and things. Families, jobs, hopes and dreams. We called it a relationship. He called it a relationship.
Am I perfect? Oh fuck no. Am I good girlfriend material? Hell if I know. Do I make mistakes? TONS of them.

But this shit is not my fault. I take no blame here. This is all on him and it's a glaring reflection on his stunted emotional maturity.

A dom? HA! Hardly. I'd call him a pussy, but that's an insult to women. He's a chicken-shit cowardly horse's ass.
So ladies, if you ever run into some guy calling himself Tholgar, run the other way. He took the most spineless, gutless, lily-livered way out a person possibly can.

This man is the epitome of a douchebag.

Oh, and by the way, you dumbass... I know you're reading this. I can see who's reading my blog. No, no use in closing the page now... it's too late. You don't have the balls to talk to me, but you'll haunt this blog like the cowardly ghost you are.

Go fuck yourself.

Sunday, March 26, 2017

Boys Are Dumb

Okay, so here's what happened.
Last week... Thursday, I believe, I sent T a couple of Skype messages in the evening that went unanswered. Nothing important, just a "hey". I assumed he'd fallen asleep as it was a bit later in the evening and sent another message saying something like "I guess you've gone to sleep... goodnight."

As I was climbing into bed, I checked to see who was online. I do this all the time, just look to see which of my friends happens to be logged in. I saw that T was inworld. So I sent another message saying "I guess not asleep since I see you're inworld now" and yes, it had a frowny face emoji. I went to bed then and didn't think anything else about it.
I work up to a message saying that if I'd have come online, I'd have found him standing in my house because he fell asleep while logged in on his phone.

I apologized for assuming the worst. I can admit when I'm wrong, and apparently I was wrong.

The rest of the day Friday, I got nothing but the cold shoulder from him. Messages went unanswered or I got very brief, terse responses. Friday night, when we were both online, he sent me one message about how he didn't like my assuming the worst.
Again, I apologized. He logged off. Skype messages have gone unanswered. IMs in SL have gone unanswered.

As I said, I can admit when I make a mistake, and I can apologize.

His behavior since then... over something so very small... has been reprehensible. If he's done with me over that, fine, but be man enough to tell me. Ignoring me is such a juvenile thing to do. He hasn't defriended me, either. He's just... gone silent.
And it's driving me crazy. If he's being an asshole, that's one thing. But there is a part of me that is worried that something else is going on, something outside of SL. What if he's injured? Sick? Had some sort of family tragedy and I'm the cold-hearted bitch who sends him a final IM telling him to go fuck himself when he's dealing with something terrible in RL?

THAT is what's driving me crazy. If I knew what the hell was going on, I could deal with it, for good or for bad.

On a scale of 1-10, my behavior in being pissed that he was inworld and hadn't said anything to me is probably a 3 to 4. I didn't accuse him of doing anything, I didn't get mad and go fuck some other guy, I didn't do anything but apologize for my misconception.
His behavior these past couple of days, though? WAY worse than my little transgression.

Unless something really is wrong.

That's one of the biggest problems with online relationships like this. Because you aren't there in person, there is no way of knowing what is actually happening on the other end of the keyboard. We have nothing to go on EXCEPT assumptions.

I'm angry. My weekend was ruined. I'm disappointed. I'm confused.
He's not the man I thought he was. Damn me and my trusting nature, right?

How long do you give a person who has gone silent before you quit trying to communicate with them and just cut them out? Defriend and all that?

I want to ring his god damned neck.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

A New Sheriff

Wow... it's been a minute since I posted anything, hasn't it?
I guess there just hasn't been much to post about, at least as far as SL is concerned. Up until just a few days ago, I hadn't been online much in the past month or so. Dad was ill again, and we had a stay in the hospital, and then rehab for a couple of weeks. Between work and being with him, by the time I got home at night logging in was the last thing on my mind.

But he's on the mend now so I'm back.
And, my god, have I been a horny girl! I've been in heat, and the worst part is that I haven't, or hadn't, found a good means to satisfy the cravings for sex. Oh, I had sex. Some of it was good sex, some was even great. But fulfilling? Eh, not so much.
Oh, and the searching! Searching for that lover, that one who would set me on fire and make me come apart! God, that can be exhausting. Jumping from sex club to sex club to sex club, reading profiles, weeding through, sorting, approaching men who were possibilities, discarding, being discarded. It's enough to wear a girl out! Even before there's any fucking!
And that always leads me to going back home, alone, being frustrated and horny and just generally crabby because of it.

So anyway, I'm back.
I'm hiding, though. Why? Oh, it isn't because I don't adore each and every one of you, especially those on my friend's list, but I'm involved in something new, with someone new, and I'm not inclined to try to defend or explain my choices to anyone at the moment.

And I'm spending my time with him, getting to know him, enjoying his company, falling for him. And I know there are lectures in store for me from some people. And some others who are going to be less-than-happy that my pussy is off the market once again.
I'm with T now. Being with him makes me happy, and makes me feel fulfilled. He's very different from my last... many... lovers.

For one thing, he'll fuck me. And that's something I clearly need. Romance is a wonderful thing, but at the end of the night, let's face it - I want to get laid. Often. Orgasms are a huge part of why I'm in SL at all, and without those, there just isn't a good reason to spend my time there.
I've some some lovers over the past few months. Some have been great, but there hasn't been a connection with them on any deeper level, and I think we all know that sex is best when there is a strong connection.

The second thing that sets T apart is who he is. Or what he is. Or a part of him, anyway. I've made no secret of the fact that I have a very submissive side. And that side of me hasn't had any attention in a very long time. Even when I was with my sweet Hugh, it just wasn't his thing and I wasn't going to try to make him be someone he's not.
 T is dominant. No, he hasn't given himself some goofy title like Sir Master Domination or something. He doesn't need to. It's just who he is. He doesn't wear bad biker leather, and doesn't have a list of demands on his profile. He doesn't insist I call him Sir, or Master, or keep me locked in a cage, or any of that goofiness.

As a matter of fact, he hasn't even broached the subject of it all with me... I'm always the one who brings it up because I'm craving his domination so much. He hasn't demanded to be my owner (I give that willingly), he hasn't demanded anything of me. What I give, I give because I want to. Domination is certainly part of who he is, but it isn't all that he is.

It's natural to him... not forced, like so many of the fake doms in SL. And he's also not a closet misogynist, like so many of the fake doms in SL. He loves women, respects them. He respects me. He's proud of the woman I am and doesn't see any need to try to change me, like some have.
There will, eventually, I hope, be a collar around my neck. I will wear it proudly. I'm positively aching to be bound, in every way. My skin is craving the lash of the whip... so far, I've only gotten a few delicious smacks on my ass. But I know more is coming... and I can't wait.

At this point in my life, this is what I want. It is a huge part of what I've needed for a long time. Something I've wanted to explore, but haven't had the right man to explore it with.

I'm cautiously optimistic right now. We all know I've been stung before (see my last blog post) and I'm very well aware that I'm taking a risk again in giving my heart to someone. I'm okay with that. Without risk, there is no reward.

I want to take all the risks. And I want to take them with him.
If nothing else, it should lead to some good filthy blog posts, right? I will be writing much more in depth about this... adventure... as we get into it. Much more about my thoughts, my experiences. I'm positive my brain will get muddled as fuck and I will need to use this space to sort through it all. And I've been given his blessing to do so. He encourages this outlet, and I'm so glad for that. I know I will need it.

But right now... right now, I just need him.

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