Saturday, December 10, 2016

Current Status: Homeless & Heartbroken

So where is Beth Macbain these days, huh?
This is what happens when I get on my computer. Makes being in SL difficult... lol.
Well, first off, I'm currently Second Life homeless. I let my tier lapse, which is fine. I wasn't crazy about that little slice of land anyway, and with the new prim allowances, it's time to move. A new place will be good. All new. So when I make my way back inworld for any amount of time, I guess I'll be shopping for new land and a new home to go with it.

Heartbroken. God, I miss Hugh. I love that man. He's the one, will always be the one. Beth Macbain without Hugh Person is... incomplete. I don't know how to change that. I don't know if I want to change that. The pain comes and goes... it's always just sort of an ache that's there, but lately it's been acute. Maybe it's the time of year, I don't know. We're coming up on the year anniversary of the last time I heard from him, and also coming up on what would have been our three year anniversary.

In the life of Beth Macbain, there is a huge Hugh-shaped hole. Sometimes it's right in front of me, sometimes I only see it in my peripheral vision, but it's always there. I've tried to move on over the last year, but nothing has worked. I fucked my way through SL, even got partnered a couple of times for a minute. The first time was to my darling Neo whose only real crime was not being Hugh. The second time, the most recent, was to Michael the man-child, the complete antithesis of everything that was good about Hugh.

In between, there were lovers galore. Some names I remember, some I've forgotten. Some faded away, some ended in flames. None devastated me - they weren't Hugh. I've just come to realize that what I had with him was a once in a lifetime thing. I'll never feel that way with anyone else, never feel that loved, that complete, that cherished. That appreciated. That understood.

I miss him. Did I mention that I miss him?

I had reason this week to try to reach out to him. Someone inworld needed something from him... needed him to make them an admin of a Flickr group that he moderated and, of course, abandoned when he left. So I sucked it up and sent him an email and heard nothing.

Until yesterday, that is, when the person let me know that he'd made the change and sent her a Flickr mail letting her know he'd done it. There was a brief message for me, too, but not sent directly to me.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it's the first thing I've heard in a year so I rejoice in that. On the other hand, he didn't answer my email even to let me know it had been received, and that stings like a bitch. On the third hand (it's Second Life - I can have as many hands as I want), not contacting me directly is just further proof of his integrity and all the other things that made me fall in love with him in the first place. He made a promise to his real life, and he's kept that promise.

I wish he didn't have so much integrity.

That's petty and selfish of me. I wish he wasn't such a good man so I could still be a part of his world.

I miss everything about him. I miss the patience he showed me, the advice he gave me. I miss his comforting presence - as long as Hugh was in my world, everything was okay. Even at the darkest times, like when my father tried to kill himself and when my brother died, I still had the steady hand of Hugh. I could feel him - his presence was palpable. It didn't matter if I was online or offline, he was still there. Always had my back. Always holding my hand. Always lifting me up. Always confident and steadfast in his support of me.

What a guy, huh? The best. The very, very best. There is no other.

And I know that Hugh was a compilation of all the very best traits of the real life man behind the avatar. We all do that, don't we? Make our SL selves our best selves? But I knew then, as I know now, that those best traits were the real man. Maybe even the man he wished he could be in the real world.

But we can't quite be that in the real world, can we? There are promises and oaths and obligations and jobs and bills and family and a myriad of other outside influences we simply can't ignore to be the person we really want to be.

I still love him just as much as I did a year ago, two years ago, if not more. And I believe that he still loves me, too. Every rainbow, every sunset, every dream... he's there and that warmth that was his presence still reaches out to me. I hope that wherever he is, he feels it, too, in return a billion-fold from me.

So where does that leave me, and Second Life? I still don't know. I miss a lot of things. And I sort of feel an obligation to continue to be a part of, and support, SL. If we all leave, SL will go away. And that would be unbearable, even though I'm not really a part of it right now. It's where Hugh and Beth lived their story - it's our Hundred Acre Wood. How can I leave that behind, even if I'm just living in it as a ghost of who I was when I was with Hugh?

I want to come back to SL. I really do. There is so much about it I miss. But every time I start to login, I just think "Meh... maybe tomorrow." There's always a counter to be cleaned, hair to be washed, Netflix to binge on, arts and crafts projects I've started working on... oh, and my new kitten. Sophie makes being on the computer very difficult because she likes to attack the pointer. And it's too damn cute to get mad at her about. She's attacking my toes right now as I sit here.

See, though I know I sound maudlin as fuck right now, I'm really not. Life is going pretty well for me right now (knock on wood). I'm even enjoying the holiday season and I typically despise Christmas. I'm still angry about this whole Trump presidency bullshit, but I'm also enjoying his supporters looking all gobsmacked as they realize he played them for fools.

I've started cross-stitching again, something I stopped doing probably 20 years ago. I've started making my own bath and beauty products, and cleaning products. I used to be a great baker - I've started baking again, too. All sorts of things I never had time for when I was spending all my free time on SL.

I miss having orgasms in SL, though. Not relationships... not again, at least not right now. I love Hugh too much to even consider it. Sex, though. I can do that and not feel bad about it. Orgasms are necessary for a healthy existence. It's fun to log in and get all sexified and pick up some guy and get crazy for a couple of hours. But that's all I can give right now.

All I want, all I have time for. I'd rather spend my spare dollars on new essential oils and recipes and threads that on virtual clothes and rent right now.

And Second Life without Hugh is just no Second Life at all for me. I had a fulfilling SL before Hugh. I don't remember how I did that now. I guess we all have to leave SL eventually, right? Is it my time to do that? I don't want it to be but I just don't know what to do with myself there now. It wasn't so very long ago that SL Beth and RL Beth were mostly one and the same. Not so much anymore.

So I guess this all means I'm still stuck in limbo.

Time to go back to binge-watching Quantum Leap on Netflix.

"Oh boy."

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