Monday, March 30, 2015

Catching Up

Thanks to real life being all wacky, I've missed the last few Strawberry Singh Meme Mondays. My brain is far too scattered these days to concentrate on making a video... even if it is just one minute long! Maybe someday I'll go back and revisit that one.
I'm going to combine two into one... last week's Me, Myself and I meme and this week's Mean Comments meme.
Let's do the Me, Myself and I one first, since that'll be quickest...
I am... content.
I have... more than I need or deserve.
I wish... cancer would just fuck off already and leave my family alone.
I hate... anything being in pain. Physically or emotionally. People, animals, plants... I can't stand it.
I fear... clowns. Fuck clowns.
I search... for answers, for everything, always.
I wonder... how so many Republicans claim to be Christians yet support policies and beliefs that are the antithesis of Christ-like.
I regret... not annoying my mom until she gave in and got a colonoscopy.
I never... intentionally or maliciously cause another pain.
I always... use a CPAP machine when I sleep.
I usually... drink one cup of coffee a day.
I dance... horribly.
I sing... even worse, but my cats don't seem to mind too terribly much.
I often... find myself sitting with one hand playing with my nipples without realizing it.
I sometimes... think about running away from everything.
I cry... when everything becomes too heavy and I need to break down for a bit.
I need... love. And I have it, but still need it, too.
I should... take better care of my health.
I love... almost everyone I've ever encountered in some small way. 
Okay, that was harder than I thought it would be.
 Right... the next one. Mean Comments.

  1. Have you ever been subjected to mean comments online by strangers? If not, then skip to question #5. I've been fortunate and haven't really encountered much hate or trolling directed at me online. I used to have a personal blog where I talked about my feelings on abortion and whether or not men should have a say. I got some hate on that. 
  2. How did you respond to them? I hit back with intelligence. I countered every point that was made, even the personal, hateful ones, with calm logic and dissected the errors in their arguments, even the obvious trolls. 
  3. How did they make you feel? Empowered. Firstly because I'd written something that evoked such emotion in another, even though it was vitriolic hate. Secondly because I was able to shut them up by not backing down, or sinking to their level.
  4. Can you share some of the mean comments you’ve received and your thoughts on them? It's been too long ago and I don't have them anymore. There were some people who called me a baby-killer (I've never had, nor have I ever performed, an abortion), heathen (they were right about that) and lots of calls for me to burn in hell (if it exists, I'll be in good company). 
  5. Have you ever ridiculed or negatively commented on someone else’s work, actions or personality with the intention to hurt them? Negatively commented, yes, but not with the intention of hurting them. If someone posts something that I vehemently disagree with, I will pick up the gauntlet they've thrown down but I try to keep the discourse on the subject matter and not let it get ugly and personal. I've not always been successful but I don't see any entertainment value in causing others pain through my words. I've seen lots of online abuse, though I haven't been subjected to lots of it, and I just can't comprehend the need some feel to be so ugly to other human beings. 

So... that's that!
BTW, I totally stole all the spots for these photos from Caity's blog. Thanks, Caity!
Now... has the plane landed yet?! Yes. Yes, it has and now I can sleep knowing he's safely on the ground.

Sunday, March 29, 2015

I'm Wearing Clothes!

I was speaking this morning with a good friend about this blog and he had a small issue with it. This is someone I trust, and who's opinion I trust, and he brought up something that I must confess, I have thought about before.
He told me that when I post erotic nudes with the harsh family issues I've been posting about recently, it's very disconcerting to him. The fact is that I've done that on purpose... not to jar anyone or make anyone uncomfortable, though.

I just feel like the nudes are what is expected of me, of this blog. The words I write are for me... it's that clusterfuck of thoughts in my brain that I have to write down in order to get them straight. But the photos are something for everyone else.
I guess I kind of feel like no one is really terribly interested in what I have to say.  And that is NOT me trying to be all woe-is-me. It's that it's the way I feel about what most other people have to say... hence why I spend very little time reading other's blogs.

Shame on me, I know. It's not that I don't care... I DO! I desperately want every single creature on Earth to be happy and content and at peace! But... SL is my escape from RL drama. Not my own... hell, I can't escape my own drama these days. There is just way too much happening for me to ever completely shut it out.
But I do come to SL to escape the drama of other people in my life. I guess that's the introvert in me. I used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders... and it was heavy and hard. I have somewhat closeted myself from having a lot of people in my real life. People can be a burden.

Not everyone, though... there are many people I love and would do anything for, including helping them sort through whatever hell is happening in their lives. And there are a few people in my second life I feel the same way about. Hugh, above all others, always and forever, though he's loathe to let me shoulder anything happening in his real world.
That's hard, too. His efforts to keep me shielded. Christ knows I dump enough of my real world shit on him, and he's absolutely amazing about it. But sometimes I feel like I'm dragging him down by unloading all my stuff on him... and he's so constantly blissful and zen and sanguine with me. He does it to not bring any darkness into our perfect little world, but I desperately want to be there for him, the way he is for me.

But that's a different thing.
Yes, there are things happening in my real life that I can't escape no matter what world I'm in. I am, however, pretty damn okay with it.

My brother has made the decision to stop treatment for his cancer and is now under the care of hospice. The doctors say he has weeks to months to live. You'd think I'd be falling apart, right?

Nope. I'm good. We've always known that whatever treatment he got would be palliative rather than curative and he gave it the good fight. But the pain got to be unbearable for him. And the cancer continued to spread.

So he's made the decision, and we support him. And holy hell... he looks better and feels better than he's looked since this whole ordeal started.
We've known he was going to die, but now it's facing us in the very near future. And he is at peace with that, as are we. So now we're just facing one day at a time and doing whatever we need to do to make it fun and joyous.

My BFF and I stayed with him last night until around midnight, and we had so much fun! We laughed until we cried, and then we cried until we laughed, and we talked about life, and death, and what may or may not come after, from the sublime to the ridiculous and it was a magical night that I'll treasure forever.
So, yes, we're preparing for an imminent death, but there is no way we're not going to make the journey a party... a celebration. We didn't get to do this with Mom... by the time her cancer was found, she was too far gone to really prepare.

That's not the case with my brother. He's still in control of all his faculties (though he's on massive amounts of morphine) and is able to take advantage of everything hospice has to offer him, and us as well.
Hospice is fucking amazing, y'all. These people are incredible... I can't imagine doing what they do, day in and day out, but... holy balls, they're just the best.
Anyway... back to the original point of this post. Heavily dramatic life-and-death discussions along with naughty nudes. I don't know. I really don't get a lot of feedback on this blog. I have gotten tons of support through all my family issues, but I don't get a lot of comments about the blog itself. So though I've hesitated a time or two before hitting the submit button, I've done it anyway.

I'm certain some may think it's tacky, and maybe it is. I just post what I feel... and the photos I feel like posting. And I love my nude Second Life body. I like seeing it. It's an ego boost, I suppose.
Juggling. That's what I feel like I'm doing these days. Work, family, friends, Second Life, Hugh, me. It's a... not delicate... juggling act. As a matter of fact, it's a sloppy, clusterfuck of a juggling act, but that's okay. I'm not going to drop any balls that won't bounce right back into my hands. Fumbling is okay. No one is perfect and I'm going to get through this in whatever way I can. I'll trip, I'll lose my coordination, I'll knock shit off shelves, but in the end, I'll have all my balls and a smile on my face.

Because that's what life is... it's a big sloppy wonderful mess.
Isn't it wonderful?
Oh, please... like I wasn't going to post at least one nude...

Wednesday, March 25, 2015

Woefully Wet Wednesday

Oh, poor me...
It's Hump Day, right? It seems there will be no humping today so I'm renaming this day, for this week only, Woefully Wet Wednesday.
Because that is precisely what I am.

Down there.

South of the border.
My pussy.
It's all wet. The sloppy, creamy kind of wet.
And there will be no humping on this Hump Day.
 I'm hoping that tomorrow will be Thrusting Thursday.
What do you say, baby?

Sunday, March 22, 2015

Don't Look!

Sometimes I feel weird sharing these moments for the world to see...

But I love these moments. I love being able to live them again and again, through these photos... and through the memories we make. Those are mine alone, the memories. Well, not just mine... ours. 
I snap photos without even realizing I'm doing it. It's just second nature now, much like typing as we're making love. I'm not putting a lot of thought into the words I'm typing... they just flow through me. It's what I'm feeling... not even what I'm thinking, not consciously anyway.
Type, click, snap, type, click, snap... In a virtual environment, those actions take the place of touches, and whimpers, and whispers.

And much like when I'm making love in the real world, I'm not thinking of what I'm typing, or clicking, or snapping.

I just do what feels good, and what I know, deep in my reptilian brain, feels good to him.
And though I share what I'm snapping, the depth of emotion, I know, can't be felt by others. They're just pixels on the screen to the rest of the world but to us, they're moments suspended in time.
When we're making love, I'm feeling...

Yes, I'm also seeing the pixels on the screen, but they're rather a blur to me. Maybe that's why I'm also snapping photos as it happens. All I'm conscious of in the moment is the way my body feels... the way my body is reacting to him, and his to mine.
We're lucky this way, in this virtual world, that we can capture these moments from outside ourselves. In the real world, when two people make love... even if they're being very naughty and filming or photographing themselves, they aren't able to capture the full picture in the way we can in Second Life.
When I look at these photos after we've both logged off for the night, and start to edit them, it brings back the feelings... it lets me recapture the erotic glow I was feeling during those moments when our bodies come together, when time and distance are erased and the outside world doesn't exist.
It's only us. Our time. Our moments. And thanks to all this amazing technology, we'll still have these moments years from now.

How incredible is that?
I've not been a nun... I've had lovers on and off since I was 17. I'm 45 now and many of those memories have faded. Faces forgotten, names forgotten... and certainly feelings forgotten.
I know that this blog can live on forever. I know these photos will never disappear. And I know, many years from now, whether we're still together or not, I know I'll be able to look at these again and feel those moments.
So I share these pixels. Certainly, I do enjoy knowing others are looking at them, and hopefully they feel something when they see them, but I know they don't feel what I feel when I see them. I know they don't feel what he feels when he sees them.

That is the part that is private. And it will last forever.


It's been a while since I posted anything so I thought I'd give you all a little update on where my life is right now.
I don't really want to belabor the details, but I'll give an overview of my world right now. Real world, that is.

Along with a few photos of my delicious date last night with my fella. :-)
Dad is doing well. He's comfortably ensconced in the assisted living facility. It's definitely a huge change for him, going from a large 2 bedroom, 2 bath apartment to one room. Through lots of trial and error, though, we've got it looking very homey and nice. It's really quite lovely... very cozy. I know it's a huge adjustment for him, but he's making friends and settling in. It is not a nursing home... he still has to take care of himself. All they really do is cook for him, come in a clean once a week and change his linens. Hell, sounds pretty good to me!

As for the effects of his suicide attempt... he's on an antidepressant and seeing a psychiatrist and is in a much better place, emotion-wise.
Things have gone way downhill with my brother and his cancer, though. It has spread to his ribs and now the pain has become almost unmanageable. He's in the hospital right now and has made the decision to discontinue treatment.

It's time. The balance in his quality of life has shifted. He fought the good fight but he's ready to let go and we support that decision. His care has been released to hospice and he will be going back to spend whatever time he has left with my sister once they have his pain regimen under control.
There was a very large family fight last week and the family has sort of split into factions surrounding my sister. Several of us have come to the conclusion that after this is all over, our sister is no longer part of our family.

That sounds cold, I know, but there are a million reasons this is happening and all of them are due to her behavior. I know family is family, but for me that isn't defined by DNA. As far as I'm concerned, she is no longer family and I'm at peace with that.
I'm in sort of a weird place with my brother, though. I haven't been to see him... and I don't want to. He's so much older than me and we've never been especially close. I love him very, very much but I don't want to see him like this. I'm struggling with it, though. Part of me says I should be there, but another part of me knows it would be very uncomfortable and awkward for both of us, especially with my sister there.
I also don't want to remember him like this.

My mother was an amazing, vibrant woman and in her last couple of months, that all went away. My last memory of her is of her face in death and that haunts me. It's very, very selfish of me but I don't want my last memory of my brother to be that same face.

I'm not sure how I'm going to end up dealing with this. We had to get my dad's old place cleaned out this weekend so that's given me a brief respite in having to make this decision as I had to focus on getting that done.
I'm taking today for myself. I very badly need a day that is All About Beth and then tomorrow I'll pull myself up by my bra straps and do what needs to be done.

As hard as it will be, and as uncertain as I am right now, I'll end up putting my own discomfort aside to be with my brother. I just need to get myself mentally prepared for that.
And I know I can do that... because this amazing man in these photos with me believes in me, in my strength. And with him reminding me that I can handle anything that gets thrown at me, I will be able to.

I'm surrounded by loving support from all sides. Most of my family, my incredible best friend, my coworkers... and my darling beloved Hugh. My safe harbor in the storm.
So that's all there is to tell in this particular chapter in the Life of Beth. It's been difficult, but I'm still standing. And will continue to, because in spite of all the difficulties, life is pretty fucking good.

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