Sunday, July 27, 2014

The Six Month Itch?

Oh, not me... I have no itches. I'm wondering about others...

Have I changed?

I've been thinking a lot about this lately... especially now that I have a ring (well, two rings actually, but that's another story) on my finger. Mind you, it's not a formal partnership in the do-you-take-thee sense. There was no ceremony and no paying of the L$25 to the Linden gods. The rings are merely a symbol of what we mean to each other.. who we are to each other.
It's... so very wonderful. So very hard to put into words. I love him deeply. Completely. After six months, the passion is so much... fuck. It's hotter each time we're together. Still. I didn't think that was possible. White heat. Every single time.
Hugh is my soul. My very breath. My being.

Best friends. God, how he makes me laugh... smile. I can't think of him without it bringing a goofy grin to my face. He's a man. Strong, confident... so self-assured. And though I'm perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet, it's absolutely the best feeling in the world to know he is always in my corner.
Fulfilling a request...
I have slipped into monogamy. I guess that's what I'm referring to when I wonder if I've changed. It wasn't intentional. Wasn't something I put a lot of thought into.

It just happened. I adore Hugh... and he fulfills me. I don't need to fuck anyone else.
But I worry... I'm not the same woman he fell in love with six months ago. Serene is hardly a word one could have used to describe me back then.

I was, sexually speaking, a free spirit. If it felt good, I did it. Even though I was partnered to Ark at the time, I banged whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
In a way, I still do. It's just that the whoever is always Hugh.

But I worry very much that I'm stifling him. And not just in a sexually promiscuous or polyamorous kind of way.

I have a life that affords me to be in SL pretty much anytime I want. I'm able to get in my SL alone time whenever... as well as the time to shop, decorate, go to shows, hang out with friends, etc.

In my (our) age demographic, this is pretty rare. I get all the time I need or want to explore and do whatever... most don't. Including Hugh.
He's fucking fabulous, as you may have surmised, and has never once complained about needing time in SL away from me.

He's not a complainer, though, so I worry that it's there, but going unspoken.

We talk pretty much about anything and everything... the one thing he doesn't talk about much is us. Oh, he is a master of words and never fails to fill my heart and soul with joy and love and I have no doubts that he means every single word of it. But we never really get into what, or who, we are as a couple. It's very undefined. I know how I see us... but I'm not sure how he sees us. What the boundaries are for either of us... if there even are any.
Maybe I'm making too much out of nothing. We all know full well that when things in my world are going magnificently, I start looking (and in some cases inventing) reasons to make it not so.

Mick got a snoot full of me and packed his bags and left SL without so much as a backwards glance. I know it wasn't all to do with me, and very much to do with what was going on in his real world, but it stung. It hurt my pride as much as anything.

And god, going way back to my days with Rob, he dumped my ass for smothering him. He's a supreme douchebag, though, and I was well to be rid of him. It still hurt to know that I was too much.
My soul is the same... body (RL) and avatar. It's not just blended... it's me. And I'm totally getting what I need to get from SL... from Hugh. But is he getting all the things he needs?
I know that my situation is rare for my age... being single. And I also know that lots of people my age in long term RL relationships come to SL to experience a very passionate sexual experience that they aren't necessarily getting anymore in RL. It's a very safe way to explore outside the lines- if you're smart about it.
And that's another thing that Hugh and I share. Neither of us have the slightest desire to bring what we've found in SL into the real world for our own reasons and it works great for us.

I just don't want to hold him back. He's so very precious to me that his happiness supersedes any selfish wants I might have. But I just don't know. Could be he's as happy and content with the way we are as I am and I'm just being a dork.
I have changed... but for better, or for worse? Does he miss the woman who he first got to know reading this very blog? The one who wouldn't be bound by the shackles of monogamy?

Time to clean up...
I'm just being silly. Life is good... both SL and RL. I'm loved in both worlds. And I deserve that.
One of the dangers of being left to my own devices (Hugh has been offline for a few days) is that it gives me a chance to get inside my head.

I've always been the imaginative sort, so I come up with a thousand scenarios for what is going on in other people's heads.
While I know that's a very unnecessary thing for me to do, it's not always so easy to stop doing it. Idle hands are dangerous for some... an idle mind is dangerous for me.
I've been tempted over the past few days to go out and whore it up like in the old days. And Hugh is always telling me to go have fun... I'm just not sure what that means. Does it mean that I should go out and get laid? And if it does, do I even want to?
I've visited a few of my old haunts to see if anything draws my fancy... and it hasn't. I've been approached and propositioned and no one has intrigued me in the slightest. The conversations seem tedious and cliched. I've had much more fun going to shows and hanging out with friends and taking photos (like these).
I have a good friend in SL that has just come out of a long term relationship and I've been telling her to get back on the horse and get back out there and meet some men. She's reluctant and I know why. For one thing, she's healing and that takes time. It just does. It was months after Rob before I let my walls down and let Ark get into my heart. You can't force it... you have to take the time you need.

The other reason... god, the drudgery of getting out there and sorting through all the not-the-ones. It used to be fun, but once you've found him, who wants to start looking again to find more?
Until I know differently, I'm just going to keep assuming Hugh is as happy as I am. He's not given me a single reason to think otherwise unless my subconscious is picking up on clues that I just can't see. I've never been good at long term relationships... and now I have one and I don't want to fuck it up because I love it. I love him.

So yes, I've changed. I guess it doesn't have to be defined as better or worse... it just is. And I'm happy. I'm pretty damn sure he's happy, too.

I just have to keep reminding myself not to create drama where none exists. And this blog... this was created for me to work through things in my head. Typing it all out sometimes really does help me create order in the chaos that is my mind.

Life is good, life is good... life IS good...

Monday, July 21, 2014

Been Too Long...

 Been a while since I posted anything...

When last we spoke, I think (I'm too lazy to go back and look) I was lost in uncertainty about my brother. We've had a couple weeks of ups and downs... lots and lots of downs, but one big up- they still don't know what kind of cancer he has. It's not liver, which is good, and he has at least 12 months, providing he can handle the treatment well.

He starts chemo this week. We're cautiously hopeful.
We also had our first family squabble today over everything. I'm not going to get into the details of that here, not right now anyway. It wasn't a huge deal... just different personality types clashing. I'm certain this is just the first of many fusses we'll have, but we'll be okay. Family is family. You fight, you love, you forgive.
I'm in a pretty zen place... and I think there are some in my family that believe it's avoidance. Maybe it is... Regardless, I have to take care of me.

My family would never understand Second Life.

See, tonight when I got home, I really didn't plan on logging in. I wanted to hide under the covers and just will the day away.
I didn't do that, though... I have this place in SL that can take my mind away. They wouldn't understand that. I'm lying here right now, fresh from a virtual swim, listening to the water splashing, and birds singing, and a frog croaking. In the background, I've got Sinatra on.
It's blissfully peaceful.

I love it here. I love this moment.
That's all.

Friday, July 4, 2014

He Kept Me Waiting...

For all of about 10 minutes.

I love this man!

Oh, It's A Holiday?!

I don't like the Fourth of July. I hate bombs and guns and stupid drunk rednecks. And having to pull the cats off the ceiling when the stupid drunk rednecks start shooting guns and blowing shit up.
Also... I don't really think America is all that great. It's certainly not the best country in the world, and thanks to congress and the Supreme Court, it's actually pretty low on the list of great countries.

Oh, I know it's a lot worse in a lot of other places... but I'm pretty fed up with my government these days.
Anyway, instead of going off on a bad American rant, I decided to curl up on my new raft and think about stuff.

But the sun was very warm. It was a bit hard to get comfortable in that heat. Beads of sweat formed... everywhere... and they tickled.
As I stretched and writhed, trying to get comfy... well, I just got hotter and hotter. And the tickles turned into tingles.
As usual, when the tingling starts, my mind wanders away to a certain handsome gentleman... and my hands started to roam. Fingers dancing over my belly, delving lower and lower until I found that sweet spot. 
 Ooooh...  yes. That's what I needed today... nature's stress relief.
Is there anything an orgasm can't cure? Or, at the very least, help? Being torn from reality, blocking everything out except the sweet, sweet bliss?
What else is there to say? Sticky, hot, sweaty... aroused in the way I only get when I'm thinking about Hugh.
So close... so close. Almost there but... needed more. Thankfully I found a little toy tucked underneath a pillow.
 There... right there. Just let it happen... let it flow.
The only problem? Now I want more. I want him. Here, with me. Now. Inside me.


Thursday, July 3, 2014

I Got This

Shit's scary right now.

I'm not going to pretend it isn't.

My brother is facing death in the next several months and my family is facing a living hell. That shit is scary. I'm scared for my brother, I'm scared for my dad, and I'm scared for my family.
It all just goes to show how fragile the balance really is. We weren't expecting this. Life was just toddling on as it does and then BOOM.

Something happens to change the course of everything.
But look what I have! Great tits, yes, but that's actually not what I'm talking about. ;-)

I'm talking about this guy that's holding on to me here.

When we got together, this wasn't in the plan. It was all supposed to be carefree, and fun, and laughter, and sex... lots and lots of sex. Cancer (even though neither of us are the ones with it) wasn't on our radar.
I don't know what the next several months are going to be like for me. It's that unknown that terrifies me. And there are going to be times, of this I'm certain, that I'm going to be a complete nutter. A total basket case.

He could walk away right now, and I wouldn't blame him. He didn't sign on for this... and yes, I know a lot of you are thinking it would be a shitty thing for him to do to turn his back on it all, but it would also be completely understandable.

SL isn't RL. We all come to SL for our own reasons, but the one thing I think we all have in common is that it's an escape for us. A way to, for a little while, shut out the real world and live in our fantasies.
I have never been good at keeping those two worlds separate, and I make no secret of this, but over the next few months it's entirely possible... probably even... that these worlds are going to intermingle on a level I haven't visited before, simply because what is going to be happening in the real world is so huge that I won't be able to block it out, for any reason.

And this amazing man isn't going anywhere. He's always been my lighthouse. My safe harbor. And he's stepping up to the plate to be that even now, even when the storm clouds are closing in hard and heavy. It's not going to be a gentle summer storm... This is gonna be tornados and typhoons. Category 5 hurricanes are on the horizon.

Any sane person would shutter the lighthouse and head inland, but not my guy. He's going to weather the storm with me.
I honestly never doubted this for a minute. That's just the kind of man he is. 

So I got this.  
I know... I know... that whatever comes along in the foreseeable future, I'm going to be okay. I see it in his eyes. I feel it when his arms are around me. He has that faith in me, and I can't help but see it and feel it, too. I am the woman he loves. I'm imperfect, yes. We all are. But, damn it, I'm strong as hell. At the end of all this heartache and uncertainty, I'm still going to be on my feet. I may fall a few times, but I'll get right back up.

And life will be good. Not because he'll still be standing right there next to me. I won't put that sort of burden on his shoulders. This is on me. I am the only one who can make sure I come through this okay. And I will.

But having him there, supporting me, helping me up when I stumble... I can't deny that it helps. In such a wonderful way. When I need that reminder of my strength, he's going to be there. My stalwart companion. Partner. Best friend. Lover. My love. 

Thank you, my darling man, for having my back. For being in my corner. 

I got this.

Wednesday, July 2, 2014

God, You're An Asshole

When life goes to shit, as it invariably does from time to time, I start to think about God a lot.
Well, first, let me say that life hasn't exactly gone to shit. My brother is dying, yes, but... that doesn't change all the joy and beauty there is in the world. It makes me horribly sad. I'm going to miss him like crazy. He's a good guy... a very good guy, and he doesn't deserve this. It's going to be a hellish few months. For me, yes, but most especially for him. Doesn't matter if you're not afraid of dying... being handed a death sentence is a terrifying thing, indeed. I don't care if you're 9 or 90, it's a shitty thing.

I'm not religious. In my nearly 45 years, I've found not a single instance of anything that would lead me to believe there is life after death. And certainly no indication that there is any sort of god out there.

I would like to believe, though, that life doesn't end when we die. For many reasons... the first being, there is nothing I want more than to be able to see my mom again. To get more Mom hugs, which are absolutely the best thing of all the best things. Nothing compares to that, and I'd love to experience it again.

Another reason is that I'd love a chance to have a little chat with God.

Oh, I talk to him a lot, though I don't believe in him. I'm not an atheist. I don't know what comes next... I won't pretend to. I readily admit I could be absolutely wrong about everything. I doubt it, but there you go.
So, yes, I talk to him, just in case. A lot of times, I'll ask for things for other people. Mostly I ask why.

You know that show, Inside the Actor's Studio and that James Lipton guy? And those questions that he asks each of his guests? I know they aren't his questions... he borrowed them from Bernard Pivot. Anyway, the last question is always "If heaven exists, what would you like to hear God say when you arrive at the pearly gates?"

What I'd like to hear him say is "There's the library. It has all those answers you've been looking for."

As to what I'd say to him... what I'd really love the chance to say face-to-face... is "Why are you such an asshole?"

There is a lot I don't get about religion, especially Christianity, mainly because that's the one I know most about. Look, the Christian god is an asshole. Unequivocally an asshole. He lets really, really terrible things happen.

Oh, you say, that's not God. Christians have these two excuses... either it's all part of God's big plan, or God doesn't make people do <insert whatever horrible thing has been done by a human>.

Bullshit. Is God not all knowing? All seeing? All powerful? Infallible? If he isn't, he isn't much of a god so why worship him? If he is all those things, and still lets these horrific things happen, fuck him. He's an asshole.
If he's got a plan, it's a shitty fucking plan. Christians would say I just don't understand his plan. None of  us can. Oh, again, bullshit. It's a terrible damn plan. Babies starving to death? Shitty fucking plan. Murdering my mom and my brother? Shitty fucking plan. Earthquakes, tornados, fires...? Shitty fucking plan.

Dear God, fuck you and fuck your plan.

A baby is born and it's a miracle from God. That same baby is raped by his father, who then pours acid on him and sets him on fire to conceal the evidence? Oh, that's evil at work.

What? The all-powerful God can't defeat evil? Well, fuck you, you fucking pussy. You are a weak, weak god and certainly not worthy of my praise or worship.

Or maybe you just chose not to intervene. You gave us free will and all that shit, right? Fuck. You. You're ignoring us like some kid's long forgotten science project shoved in the back of his closet. Fuck you. Too busy to show your face or send another of your children down to show us the way and the light? Fuck you.

I simply can't comprehend why anyone would give their faith to him. He's a worthless deity. He's a real shit. A monster. And I can't fucking stand him.

If there is something in the great beyond, I can't help but think... hope... that the reality of it is something far, far different than Christians would have us believe. Because the Christian god is a mean son of a bitch. I want no part of that. I want no part of a god that can't, or won't, put an end to needless innocent human suffering.

So yeah... God, you ARE an asshole.

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