Tuesday, April 15, 2014

She Did It

Note: This isn't a photography post, or even anything to do with SL. This is just... words.

A very beautiful young girl committed suicide in my town last night.

I didn't know her, never heard of her until today... but, god, she could have been me. I could have been her.

Before she killed herself, she filmed a suicide "note" and posted it on YouTube. The video has since been removed, but I saw it before they took it down. They shouldn't have taken it down. It was horrifying and heart-breaking but so, so important to hear her words. She wanted people to hear her words. People need to hear her words.

Maddie had this to say about living with depression and how it feels:

"I just don’t see how this is a bad idea because it’s like someone’s on the 12th floor, and the room behind them is on fire. And they’re standing on the window ledge and they have a choice whether or not to jump and get away from the fire or just stay and die a slow, excruciating death. It feels like that."

Keep in mind that she is... she was... a junior in high school. A junior in high school.

And she described it exactly right... it is exactly like that.

She said she was doing everyone a favor.

That poor child. That poor, poor child.

She asked for people to remember what a bad person she was.

Oh my god... I just spent the last hour reading her Twitter feed. She was a beautiful, achingly beautiful soul. She was a leader among her friends... I saw her chastising people for spreading rumors about others and about being bullies. She had, many times in her tweets, referred to suicide hotlines and about getting help and how painful it was for her to know that some people saw suicide as their only option.

And now, just like that, she's gone. She's gone and she can't come back.

And it's devastating to me because I felt her words... I could feel them because they're words I've said before, thoughts I've had many, many times in my 44 years. I can't even... I'm just so horrified for this poor child. She said it herself... she felt like she had a demon inside her. And she just wasn't equipped at such a young age to fight him and she gave up... gave in. And now she's gone.

No, I didn't know Maddie, but I knew her.

And my heart is just shattered for her. 

Sunday, April 13, 2014

Slut-Shaming Revisited

I received a lot of feedback on my last post, both direct and indirect and I want to address some of the comments I heard.
For the most part, it was all very positive but I did get some feedback from a couple of people defending slut-shaming and those are the ones I'd like to address.
I understand as well as anyone how hard it can be to see a former love with a new person. It can suck, hard. And hurt like a bitch.

And it can be quite amplified in Second Life where it is so easy to keep track of someone... I know how hard it is to stop yourself from looking at his/her profile. Add in a Flickr feed or a blog? Well, we're only human. We're going to look. Of course we are. Even after all this time, I occasionally take a peek at Rob's blog and Flickr. Doesn't hurt anymore... it's curiosity more than anything.
The point is that we do it. It's pretty inevitable.

Relationships in SL can be complicated, passionate and fleeting. Things happen. New people come along. Passion fizzles. Differences are compounded and added upon and things can fade, or explode and love is replaced by hurt, anger... and yes, sometimes indifference.

Most often, though, it's hurt and anger. And when you witness that person moving on... it's shit. I know it is.

And we really can't control how we feel. It's not like there is a magic switch we have that turns off the pain.
And, if I'm being honest, I suppose it can suck pretty hard when your ex moves on with someone like me. Not that I'm anything great... Christ knows I can be as fucked up as they come! I'm talking about someone like me who revels in their sexuality and puts in on display for all to see.

I went through it myself when I had to see Rob, also a photographer and blogger, moving on after me. No, I didn't have to look... but I did. And it hurt like a bitch and felt very... deliberate. Very much like he was doing these things with the express purpose of hurting me.
Things were a bit different there in that some of the things he did were intentionally designed to hurt me but that's a whole nother kettle of fish I have no wish to revisit.

The fact is, though, that the end of a relationship hurts and there is pain that we can't control.

What we can control, though, is how we deal with it. How we react.
There are a myriad of choices, of course. And slut-shaming is certainly one of them.

Perhaps, though, it's be better to either, you know, ignore it and keep your mouth shut. After all, the relationship is over and you really have no say in how your ex lives his/her life.

The other option I like, however, is honesty. Instead of impugning your former love and his new person, how about saying a little something like this? "Hey... I really wasn't expecting to see you like that. I know it's not my place anymore... but it hurt. I respect your choices and understand that you've moved on and your life has taken another direction, but it stings to see it."
See? That's not so hard. Instead of flinging accusations and casting aspersions on a person's manhood, try a little raw honesty.

It's never easy to let another person see your vulnerabilities, but there is great strength in doing that. This blog is a prime example... it's empowered me so much. It's not just about posting the photos... it's opening myself up and letting others see me. Through my words. Some things are easier to say than others... some of them leave me raw. But when I get it out... god, it's an amazing feeling. Hitting the "publish" button... knowing I've conveyed a part of myself... shared a piece of me.

This blog is just me... it's just my life and the people who are in it. You can share it with me, or you can ignore it. But I won't change, and I won't compromise who I am.

Not for anyone. And neither should you.

Friday, April 11, 2014

Oh, Ladies...

I'm a slut. We all know that, right?
A big ol' whore.
Fucking my way through Second Life without a care?
I mean, it's all right here on this blog, right?
In the last month or so, it's been said to my face, and certainly behind my back.
I'd like to say I don't care, but I do.
But not for the reasons one might think.
I am perfectly comfortable with my sexuality and there's not a thing anyone can say to make me feel bad about that.

What bothers me is that it's all coming from women.
Girls, we've got to stop that shit. The slut-shaming bullshit.

Look, I absolutely could not give a rat's ass about your sexuality. You can be frigid as an iceberg or as hot as the sun. It's your choice.
As my sexuality is mine.

And no one is forcing you to look at my photos or read my blog... but you do. I know you are, because I have access to things that tell me these things. I know how long you've been following me.  I know how often you look at this thing.
So don't pretend to be disgusted with my behavior. I know better.
If I want to fuck every single man in Second Life, or real life, that's my prerogative. Isn't that what feminism is supposed to be all about?
Yet when a woman does something another woman doesn't approve of, instead of turning the other cheek, we call each other sluts and whores and bitches instead of saying "Good on her for doing what she wants and being who she wants to be!"

Shame. For shame, ladies.
For that matter, a man's sexuality is his, too. Unless you're with him, fucking him, it's none of your concern. Some of you may have noticed I suddenly have a missing blog post here.
Because I had a sexual encounter with a man... and, yes, I did ask his permission before I posted anything about it.. and some folks got a little butt hurt about it.
Women who have been visiting this blog for ages... but suddenly it was different when it was someone they knew. How very stupid is that?
I removed the post at his request due to the shit storm of idiocy that started swirling around him.
It's absurd, really. Juvenile as fuck. Because, again, it's simple. Don't want to see it? Don't look. Pull up your big girl panties.
Those photos were gorgeous. A meeting of two new close friends. Yes, they were intimate and explicit.
But this is MY blog. I've said before, this is my diary, my therapy. And, yes, it's public but it isn't required viewing for anyone.
How dare you try to shame me, or anyone featured in any post on here? Who in every fuck do you think you are? Those are your hang-ups, sunshine, and for you to deal with. They aren't my concern, until they spill over into you trying to censor me.
My life. His life. Not your life.
Also, if you're going to throw stones, throw them in the right direction. Yes, I'm a sexual woman. I love sex. I'm not monogamous. But really? Go back and look... how many men have actually been on here? I was going to go back and count, but I can't be bothered. The fact is, the number isn't really all that big. And three of the men, including the one in these photos (hi, honey), are men that I am, or was, head over heels in love with.
I'm hardly the cock-sucking whore I've been accused of being. But if I was, there'd not be a damn thing wrong with it, because it's my choice. And the men I'm with? It's their choice to be with me, and be on this blog.
Hugh, Mick and Ark, with a few others I've encountered over the past seven months or so. With a lot of introspection in between.
Don't be a hater. The world has enough of those. Try love instead. Acceptance. You'll be much happier, I promise.  

Sunday, April 6, 2014

How To Spend A Sunday Afternoon

This yummy creature and I have been circling each other for the past week, teasing and tantalizing each other.
We almost managed to get together on Friday night, but one of those things happened that only happens in Second Life. I had a mouthful of his cock... had just started... and his girlfriend TPed in. Mind you, they have an open relationship but as fate would have it, SL froze her to the spot.

Right in the middle of the bed. Like a statue. Couldn't move, couldn't speak, couldn't TP back out.

I've not met her before so I, naturally, took her silence to mean she was giving him nineteen kinds of hell in IM and made my exit.
In only took a few minutes to sort things out and come to understand she was frozen, and mortified that she couldn't make a delicate exit, but the moment had passed.

We both ended up having a lovely night anyway... just not together!
So it was a wonderful surprise to find we both had a few hours to kill today.

And we slayed them.
These photos are actually from the second round. I was too busy finishing up our interrupted blow job from the other night to snap photos then.
He has a wicked, wicked tongue and used it on me so damn good. I came so hard on his face. More than once.
And couldn't resist reaching back to grasp that thick cock of his and stroke him. I love cock... that's no secret... and his was gorgeous and oh-so filling.
He fed and fed on my sweet little pussy, not letting up, not letting me catch my breath until I was begging him to fuck me.
And fuck me he did. Hard, just like I was craving. Hard and deep.
He had me screaming... pleading with him. Just to fuck me... fuck me. Fill me. Stretch my tight little pussy with that big cock of his.
God, I squirted... SL and RL. Clamping down on that throbbing shaft, spurting. So fucking hard. I lost count of my orgasms.
It was soooo damn good. He was forceful in all the right ways, taking what he wanted from me, and giving me exactly what I craved in return.
Bit of hair pulling, ass slapping... all the things I love so much.
All the while just fucking pounding me. Making me his cock slut for those few hours we spent writhing together.
Sweaty, gasping, clawing at each other... It felt like one, long, continuous orgasm. As soon as I shattered, he'd start building it up again.
And when I just couldn't take it anymore... and neither could he... he tossed my legs right over my head and drove inside me with such wild abandon, taking me with him as he released his seed inside me. Hot spurt after spurt of sticky cum filling me... god damn, I do love that. I needed it. And got it so good.
So I think he'll stay around for a bit. We still have some... things... we need to do to each other.

We'd followed each other on Flickr... that's how he found me, and finally said hello.

And what a hello it was!

Friday, April 4, 2014

Her Heart Was A Secret Garden

Her heart was a secret garden and the walls were very high...
~William Goldman, The Princess Bride

I've been told recently that I'm not as independent as I appear to be in this blog.
This wasn't said in a shitty way, or to be mean... it was just an observation from a friend. And that, even though I'm 44, I sometimes behave in relationships like someone in their late teens or early twenties that is still learning what it means to be in a relationship.

And it got me thinking. And we know that's always dangerous. wink
So here is my confession. I really don't know how to be in a relationship. I'm going to be brutally honest here... I am such a failure at RL man/woman relationships that I have no clue what I'm doing.

My last long term relationship was when I was in my mid-twenties and it was... ugh. He was a complete user and I gave and gave and gave and it ended, as all relationships should, very dramatically, standing in a parking lot in Las Vegas, rain streaming from the dark clouds (it does occasionally rain in Vegas) and Nothing Compares 2 U on the radio in my car as he was driving off into the desert with a trailer filled with all his belongings hitched to the back of his Jeep.
Looking back now, I'm very glad that relationship ended. It was nearly two years of giving my all and it never quite being enough for him. And, holy crap, he was boring as fuck!

And after that ended? My walls went up big time when it comes to men. It wasn't really planned- it just happened. Getting over him took a long time, a move out of state, and being utterly alone for a while.
And I got used to being alone. I learned a lot when I moved to Los Angeles. I did have roommates while I lived there... one was a very good friend that ended up not being able to hack LA and took off after a year (everybody leaves) and the other two were women I absolutely couldn't stand. No more roommates for me after that!

It became me and the two cats against the world. My own place, paying the bills all by myself, being responsible only to me.
This was my early thirties. For a few years, it was Beth vs. Everybody. This was before I got my depression under control so I quite literally hated almost everyone.

Living alone in Los Angeles, with no family or close friends nearby took its toll, though. And, fuck, it's expensive. I finally had to call it quits and move back to Vegas where I could be close to some of my family, but I still maintained my independence.

This was when I finally had to get help for my depression. It all just got to be too much and my parents finally threw me in the car one sunny Saturday morning and found a doctor to see me right then. I am grateful to my folks for a million things, but this act is definitely way at the top of the list. They gave me life, and they saved my life.
So I was able to get rid of that darkness and come out of the shell I'd found myself in, but I still maintained that independence. I learned to really like myself, and like being alone. Not lonely, but alone. I was learning to like myself... love myself... and bringing in a man was out of the question. I had to learn to live with me.

And Las Vegas is a shitastic place to meet men. Or, at least men who aren't douchebags.
Life takes its twists and turns and I found myself back in Kentucky eight years ago. I can't believe I've been back home that long. I settled into life here. Started bringing men back into my world, but only for sex.

I accepted that I'm now just too old and too selfish and too set in my ways to make room for another human being in my little bubble.

I'm comfortable, happy... and independent as fuck.
So when I was told I wasn't really all that independent when it comes to my second life, it took me back a bit.

Pissed me off at first because, christ, I'm completely independent. But I'd forgotten that RL Beth is the independent one. And I assumed that, without taking a good hard look, I was just as independent in my SL.

I'm not, though.
It's not easy being completely on your own all the time. Not having a partner to worry with about those bills piling up, or having someone to run to the drug store when you have a cold, or damn, not having someone to hug when you just need a hug.

So... yeah... that's where SL comes in for me. It's an escape where I can sort of shrug off the burdens of carrying everything alone in RL. And I'm  unapologetic about that. It's what we all do, isn't it?

But I've found that most men I encounter in SL are using it as their escape from something completely different. They're trying to reclaim their independence where I'm trying to toss mine aside for a while.
The men I find myself most attracted to are typically married and have been for many, many years. They often have kids, and a whole host of responsibilities they have to share with their wives. So... they look to SL to be that swinging single bachelor again.

And, lord, this can cause some clashes! I don't want to spend my time in SL alone. I can entertain myself just fine in RL when I want alone time. People in long term relationships... marriages that have lasted for decades... forget how hard it can be to be all alone in this world, I think.

Just like I don't really know what it's like to have to consider someone else in all decisions, they don't know what it's like to never have someone to help shoulder that burden.
But still... that doesn't mean I have to be all clingy and needy and desperate. That's not sexy.

So I've spent the last few days (and that's like an eternity in SL!) learning to find things in SL that don't necessarily involve me being attached at the hip to someone.

Do I like it? Well, I've been having fun, yes. Second Life has an amazing live music scene I'm getting into and loving it. Oh, and I have this photography hobby I should really be devoting more time to.
Where does sex fit into all this? I've got some pretty serious flirtations going on with a couple yummy men.

And, yes, I still have my two loves, though I haven't seen much of either of them lately. But they're my... rocks. My partners. The men I love. And I miss them.

I've got a couple of new guys charming my pants off... literally... and I love it. And they seem to be fabulous guys. But at the end of the day, I just want my two loves. I want my hugs.

So balance.

I'm finding it.

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