Sunday, January 14, 2018

Just Beth

2018 is going to be a year of discovery for me. I need to get back in touch with the woman inside me, and listen to what she's telling me. For far too long, I've been listening to others tell me who I am, or who I should be.

I am quite uniquely qualified to know who I am and who I strive to be. And I alone know my boundaries and how much I'm willing to give myself to others before I rein it back in and take back my control.

I have labeled myself as a submissive for so long that I've nearly forgotten who I was before.

There is a part of me who loves to be in control, sexually speaking. And that's it, for the most part. Control. With control comes a bit of bondage, yes, because having a man tied up at my mercy is wicked and fun as hell.

Degradation? Humiliation? No. EVERY side of me hates that part of the BDSM world. I will even go so far as to say that almost anyone who gets off on being told they're worthless, or telling someone that they're worthless, has some abuse issues in their past, some serious self esteem issues in their present, and a whole lot of unhappiness in their future. It fucks with your psyche and that isn't healthy for anyone. And I'm 100% positive that someone who reads this is going to disagree with me about that. Maybe they're right.

But I doubt it.
I'm a pain slut. I get off on receiving painful stimuli from my neck down to my thighs. I know subspace is real because I've been there. I know it isn't for everyone, but holy hell, for me it's powerful and wonderful and addicting, just like morphine.

I don't get off on pain because I think I'm worthless and deserve it, and I think that's where a lot of people get confused. For me, pain isn't a punishment. It's a reward in every way. If a man is beating me black and blue while I'm cowering to get away and he's telling me it's all my fault? THAT is abuse. An experienced dom knows what the hell he is doing and has earned my complete trust when I give myself over in that way, and it is not abusive. It's not about telling me I'm worthless, a bitch, a whore, that I've asked for it, and everything is all my fault, etc. A man tries that shit with me and he quickly learns that I'm not a woman with low self esteem that will put up with it.
So... is a pain slut (a term I hate) a submissive? Because when I allow a man to take control of me in that way, believe me, it is all about me. The dominant should enjoy it, too, but he has to keep his head in the game in order to be able to read the "submissive" and her body and all the signs because she won't be able to stop.

He might have the control, but ultimately, it's about my pleasure.

When you break down the acronyms in BDSM, it's Bondage/Discipline, Domination/Submission and Sadism/Masochism. Of those six words, the ones that resonate with me are masochism, submission and bondage. It's a bit of a strange conundrum for me because the masochist in me doesn't want a sadist administering my pain. I don't want a guy who gets off on inflicting pain. I want a loving, caring man who understands that what he's doing is not about bringing me pain, but to bring me pleasure.
Bondage, to me, goes hand in hand with masochism because when those strikes start to land, the human instinct is to fight it or run from it - fight or flight. It's not about enslaving me... it's about keeping me from running out the damn door stark naked.

Submission is a difficult one for me. Most people who know me would laugh if you told them I'm submissive, because I'm fucking not. I can't be. I'm all I've got and have to take care of my own damn self. When it comes to things in my real life that I can influence, I will. I'm outspoken, decisive... some would say I'm bossy but I like Beyonce's words in relation to that, "I'm not bossy, I'm the boss." Boss of my own life, that is. If the bills don't get paid, the dishes don't get washed, the tires don't get rotated, the litter box doesn't get emptied, that's all on my head. I'm responsible for me and two furry little beasts, that's it.

And no one is responsible for me.
So weakness is not an option. Being a doormat is not an option.

And much like a lot of executives (I'm not one), it's a treat to be able to let go of the control and let someone else make decisions and take over for a while. And I've been finding, fulfilling, that need in Second Life - and will continue to. I dallied with expanding it into my real world but it was too... frightening... for me. And I couldn't find a dom that I truly trusted. Lots of fakes in the real world, too.

And, along with letting go of the control for a while, I truly love taking care of a man's needs in Second Life. Not being a sugar momma, but in sexual ways. As I get off on pain, I also get off on bringing someone else pure ecstasy. I'm in no way a sadist, but if a man I cared for needed the pain, I'd absolutely take that flogger in hand to give him what he needs.

To me, that is what being a submissive means - putting someone else's needs and desires above my own.

Sexually.
And I love being owned. I love wearing a collar and knowing that there is one man above all others who can bring me to my knees... who has the absolute right to. One strong, intelligent, confident alpha male who owns my being and uses that power wisely, not to chain me down but to let me soar, knowing that this little bossy bird will always have a place to land... a safe harbor, a strong hand, kindness and security.

This can be a terrible stumbling block... there aren't a lot of men in SL that want the submission during sex, but not any other time. And it's addictive when I find a man like that... I want to give it to him all the time, as if he could feasibly stay hard twenty-fours hours a day and orgasm every half hour. And it's really hard if/when that man has a harem because I'm always going to think I can take care of him better than they can and I want to be at his side all the time because I'm so proud to be his.
And that brings me around to the Domme side of Beth, and I do have one, but it's about taking control of the man, completely, to give myself pleasure. It isn't about humiliating him, or degrading him in any way. It's about using his body for my needs, and my needs only.

Let me show you what I mean... the following video is my idea of being a Domme. She is strong, in control, and takes what she wants. He doesn't (can't) move, doesn't speak... he's a nearly inanimate object for her pleasure. His tongue and his cock are hers.



Yeah, at the end I believe she lets him cum, though they don't really show it... and I rarely make it all the way to the end anyway... lol. See how she uses his cock? How she sits on his face? She's not humiliating him... she's just taking her pleasure and not caring about his.

That's female domination to me.

He's not a little wimpy femboy. This guy is... not beta. Don't ask me how I know that... I just do. I'm only attracted to alpha males and I think it takes an incredibly strong man to let himself be used the way she does in this video. How she doesn't sink down on him, though, and ride him I'll never understand. That is one gorgeous cock and I'd have to have it buried inside me.

Anyhoo, that's why I'm shying away from labels this year... and hopefully forever. None of them are a proper fit for me so I'll just be who I am... Just Beth.

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