Saturday, May 19, 2018

Sex Machine Ready to Reload*

*bonus points if you can name that song... without cheating!

Well, hi there!

It's been a minute, hasn't it?

Look, we all knew what was going to happen, didn't we? No use dissecting the inevitable, though I am a bit surprised it ended on a rather... well, honestly, it was pretty blah as far as breakups go. No screaming, fighting, shouting, cursing or tears. I suppose it's fitting that it ended with a fizzle after the fireworks that precipitated our beginning.
Anyhoo... that's that.

And this is this. What is this? Well, on a good day I have trouble keeping my libido reined in, and on a bad day (and this wasn't a bad day... just a boring one...) I'm going to orgasm whether I'm alone or in a group of twenty.

I found this fun little HUD on the MP and had to give it a go. I like it because it has a nice long play sequence so I don't have to push any buttons... other than the one between my legs in real life. I suppose I'm just vain enough to own up to the fact that I can get myself off watching myself get off in Second Life.

Yes, ladies and jellybeans, I turn myself on.
I had a week off SL after the breakup, and not by choice. You see, my graphics card is on its way out after hanging in there for about five years. I've been keeping my computer on at all times because when I shut it off, the graphics card has a nasty little habit of not wanting to crank back up.

And then Windows did it's auto update bullshit and I came home from work to a dead computer. Nothing I did would get it to boot, and I tried every fucking thing I could think of including taking the entire damn thing apart and putting it back together again.
Why didn't I just run out and get a new graphics card? Oh, I'm poor as fuck! Well, cash poor, anyway. I'm a do-gooder out in the real world and there isn't big money to be made raising money for a smallish charity. I decided years ago, though, that I'd rather make nothing and be happy in my career giving something back to the world than slaving away in a miserable corporate job that sucked the life out of me, and society.

So yeah, cash poor and had to wait for payday. Computer was dead for a full week... and then Monday morning while I was in the shower, the power went out for a few seconds for whatever reasons cause those little glitches. I shrugged it off, went to work, came home and flipped my computer on out of habit... and the fucking thing booted right the hell up.
THAT made Beth Macbain a very, very happy woman.

Oh, I'm still replacing the card. It is way overdue, but at least now it's not an emergency. You see, when I get out of a relationship, I tend to go into heat.

Okay, yeah, I'm pretty much always in heat, but it's amplified, and I need to fuck all the men. And I couldn't! And it was tragic! Tragic!

So I've spent the few days I've been back online getting laid. Except tonight because Second Life was d-e-a-d.

And the best thing... while I was offline, a very, very beloved old friend reached out to me to keep me entertained.

Beloved old friend isn't quite accurate, though. Friend, lover... and former partner. My darling Mr. Mounier. We've never quite lost contact with each other... and he seems to always know when I need him to reach out to me.

I realized that he's the person I've known longest in SL. It's been years and years and years now. I knew him before I knew Hugh, though we didn't get together until after Hugh. Too soon after Hugh, actually, and that's ultimately why it didn't work for us.
But now? Who knows? I know I love him to the moon and back, and I know he loves me unconditionally. He is the one person who has always, always been there for me, no matter what, no matter when, no matter where.

And he makes me laugh. He probably... no, definitely... knows me better than anyone. He knows the dirtiest of my dirty little secrets, even the ones I don't post about here. 

He lifts me up and has never once asked me to change for him... aside from wanting me to have bigger boobs. I showed him the real life ones, though, and he was good with that... grins
In a world where it's not wise to trust anyone, I trust my Neo implicitly. He knows he has no reason to lie to me, nor I to him. We've already seen it all and know each other too well to pretend we're anything other than what we are.

What does that mean in SL? No idea yet. He's been gone from SL for quite a while for the most part. I would like him to come back but I understand how hard that is when you've been gone for a long time.
I'd like him to come back and be my partner in all the ways that matter. He knows that I'll never be monogamous, and I know he won't, either. But we also share the same fondness for playing together and sharing, and that makes a world of difference. 

So, yeah, that's still a TBD. But that's okay, because it's us. 
There are others as well. Shy, introverted-in-public Beth has found her voice in the last couple of weeks and told a few of my sex-crushes in Second Life that I wanted them. One told me to "get in line"... hahahahaha. Anyone who knows me knows that patience isn't really a strong suit of mine so he dropped off the list. I'm very particular about who I fuck and it's a short list so... that one probably isn't going to happen.

I'm very fucking excited about the prospect of a couple others, though. Especially one who shall not be named at this time. I know, have known since I first saw him, that he was the kind of man who could bring me to my knees with his confidence and his cock and I can't wait until our calendars align and we can get filthy. 

So that's where we are now in the Story of Beth... one chapter ends and another begins, as it should. 

Saturday, May 5, 2018

Open For Business

No, no, no... I'm not going to start selling myself.

I'm just checking in and letting the Second Life world know that I'm still here, and still... open.

I've talked before about how we all go through, er, spurts of activity in Second Life. Sometimes the real world draw is more than the SL draw and we don't log in for a while. I've been having more and more of those moments, it seems.
And that's certainly not a bad thing. The real world should take precedence and it's great when it's because things are good. And things have been pretty good. I think, until today, it's been a week or so since I actually bothered to log on.

But I still need my fix.

My fix of sex. Hot, steamy, wicked, wet Second Life sex.
It's a thing we crave, isn't it? The real world is great, even real world sex is great... but there is just something about a good, nasty Second Life virtual mind-fuck that brings us back again and again, isn't there?

I love the intimacy of sex in SL. The way we can be our more reptilian selves without all the real world social stigma, etc. We can let go in a way we just can't in the real world.

We can be raw. And filthy.
Right now what I'm craving is multiple partners... not necessarily all at the same time, mind you.

And also not necessarily not at the same time, either.

What I'm lusting for right now is simple and decadent no-strings-attached fucking with a variety of beautiful souls... and, yeah, beautiful avatars, too. I'm visual. I want the most handsome men, the most gorgeous women, the most beautiful transgendered people.

I want to fuck all of you... and be fucked by all of you. I want to lie on a bed and be ravished by any and all. I want to be sticky with it... sweaty and covered and filled with cum.

I want to make you explode with me... just shatter... orgasm after orgasm until we can't breathe, can't stand... until our bodies are trembling and spent.
I want to share, and be shared. Pass me from man to man... woman to woman. Gender is far less important than desire and lust.

I want to trace every inch, every crevice of your body with my tongue. Use me, and I'll use you. Cover me in bruises and hand prints and bite marks. Leave me gasping for breath in a pool of wetness.
C'mon... let's be animals together. Raw and primal and visceral. Let's ignore all the social niceties and just do what we're meant to do... fuck.

Let's get inside each other's heads and find those triggers that set us off... that launch us into the stratosphere of ecstasy. I want you inside me... I need to be inside of you.

Claw marks... teeth marks... seed and juices... wet, throbbing... veins pulsing... fucking. Just fucking. Hard. Deep. So deep it hurts so fucking good it obliterates us.
What is holding you back? I'm waiting and wanting and so primed my skin is tingling... electric.

I know I'm not the only one who craves this... who aches for it deep within their soul. The kind of fucking we humans were made for.

Just say yes. Just. Say. Yes.
And yes, this is me reaching out to you... waiting for you. Get in touch with me. Let's make it happen. You can find all the ways to contact me up above on my contact tab. Skype. Email. Reach out to me in Second Life.

You want to fuck. I want to fuck. Let's make it happen. Once, at least. Let's just be dirty. Let's use each other for what we need. 

Let's fuck.

Sunday, April 22, 2018

Celebrating the Moments

Sorry it's been so long since my last post! Sometimes life just comes at you and Second Life takes a bit of a back seat, and that's really been the past couple of months for me.

Lots of changes! None bad... Max and I are still together and I know that just kills some of you who've been hoping he dumps me on my ass. And yes, it's true that he's leaving Second Life for the most part. Not my story to tell, but really great things are happening for him that necessitates all his focus be in the real world for at least the next year or so.

What's going to happen during that year? I have no idea, but I do know we're going to stay in contact through other means and if nothing else, we'll still be great friends with a lot of chemistry no matter what. I adore him, he adores me... we'll always be connected no matter where we are in the real world. I'm very fortunate that I've had three SL relationships with amazing men who've moved on from Second Life that I know keep me in their hearts, just as they are still and always in mine as well.
These days, my time in SL is spent decorating my new place and meeting new lovers, and there is NO bad in that. I have recently been turned on to the pleasures of transgender women... all the beauty of a woman, and all the things that make women extraordinary, plus a cock. Best of both worlds, perhaps? All I know is that I've recently made the acquaintance of one very special woman that makes me cream my panties whenever I see her, and she happens to have a cock.
I met Curty at Maui. She first approached me, but according to her, I was the one who turned our burgeoning friendship sexual... surprise, surprise. She's just gorgeous and funny, and sexy as fuck. Last night was the first time we really had a chance to spend a lot of time together, and OH MY GOD, I couldn't get enough of her.
She is soft and pretty and she smells nice.

And her cock is the perfect size.
We actually didn't fuck last night... and I didn't even orgasm. I wanted to make the evening all about her and her pleasure. I wanted her to know how gorgeous I think she is, inside and out. 

I think I did a pretty good job. 
I've always enjoyed the times when I get to just concentrate on making someone else feel desired and aroused, and I was able to do that last night with Curty. Though I didn't orgasm, I had SO. MUCH. FUN. just playing with her and kissing her all over and just, well... sucking cock until she exploded down my throat.
I'm looking forward to a lot more fun and adventures with her. Last night we barely scraped the surface of the erotic possibilities... and just a beautiful friendship with this very special lady. 
So that's basically what's been going on in the life of Beth Macbain. It's a busy, wonderful time for me in the real world, as well as just a fun, drama-free time in SL. I have my lovers, and I still have my Max. No complaints from me about anything... unless you want me to go on a rant about the pure evil that is Donald Trump, but nah... not today. 
Today I'm just going to focus on being happy and centered in both worlds. Stopping to smell the mesh flowers and real flowers as everything starts to bloom around me. 

Life is pretty good, y'all. 

Monday, March 5, 2018

Max Cunning

Sometimes a person enters your life, or your heart, or your body, and stays.
Max did that.

That's Max Cunning, for those of you keeping score at home.

First time we met, I despised him. The funny thing about that, though, is that I despised him but couldn't forget him.

The second time we met, nearly three months later, I couldn't resist him. And now four months after that, I still can't.

Never has there been a man who gets under my skin in the way Mr. Cunning does. He quite lives up to his name, that's for certain.

In the past four months, we have loved, and fought, and loved, and fought, and loved and fought again. That's how it is, or has been, between us. We make love passionately, and we fight passionately. I can't recall any other man who I've fought so viciously with, and then wanted to run right back to him. Hugh and I never fought, ever. He was so bloody easy-going that it sometimes infuriated me when I wanted him to disagree with me about something, but he just wouldn't. One of the billion things I loved about that fantastic man.
Max is quite different, and fantastic in a way that is unique to him. He will call me on my bullshit without hesitation. And, yeah, I do the same to him. And then we butt heads and say awful things to each other. We defriend, we block, we do all the breakup things.

And I know full well that seems to be very unhealthy. The thing is, it's infuriating and aggravating and... sort of fun, too. How do you have makeup sex if you never fight?

I really thought we were done this time, though, after my last blog post when I said I was getting off the roller coaster. I honestly thought it was the end, for a variety of reasons, including the fact that our anger exhausted us. We both got tired of it. It wasn't fun anymore, it was ugly... and we went our separate ways, still furious at each other.

But when you get a man like Max Cunning inside you, it's hard to shake free of him. And I utterly and completely failed at doing that.

The thing is, though... he failed at getting me out of his system, too. Put the two of us in the same room, and it's like an inescapable magnetic field envelops us, and brings us closer and closer together until we're locked to each other.

Something is different this time. We're both so damn sick of pretending that Second Life is just as fun when we're not together... It isn't. And it's not just sexual, either. Sex is a HUGE part of it, but it's because we know each other so well... and like each other in spite of our flaws. We laugh. When it's good with us, it's the very best.

I think we're both pretty committed this time to keeping it good between us. We're going to put each other first and make this time about us, and no one else.

Note... that's "first", not "only". The thing that first brought us together was our raw sexuality, and neither of us has any desire to quash that in the other. We'll play with others, together and separately, but at the end of the day, we're with each other. Our home is wherever the other is.
Both of us have left a trail of lovers behind us, each of them wonderful in their own ways, and each brought something incredible to our lives. The people and loves and situations in our pasts make us who we are.

Max has a few haters in Second Life, as do I. He can be an asshole... I can, too. We all can. But he's also infinitely kind, generous, hilarious and intelligent. And when I'm with him, I feel invincible. He knows what he wants... and I know what I want. In the past, those two things clashed, violently, and we couldn't make it work because neither of us would make a single concession.

We dug in our heels and there was a very thick line between us. He was firmly on his side, and I was firmly on mine. The things that utterly aggravated us about each other were also the same things that we loved and admired about each other.

We've come full circle now. The love of those traits is more important than the hate of them. The Max I'm with right now is a very different Max than the one I first met, the one I despised. There has always been a storm brewing inside him - the uncompromising Max, and the, er... teddy bear Max.

My Max.

The storm has calmed... the lightning and thunder have faded into the distance, replaced by a calm, steady rain. The kind that renews and invigorates and nurtures life.

Real life is almost always full of some sort of turmoil and stress. Second Life is supposed to be our escape from that, for all of us. It hasn't been that for quite a while. I think, in the natural cycle of Second Life, breaks are incredibly healthy and cathartic. I've recently taken one, as has Max... and, oddly enough, a few other people I know. Perhaps it's the time of year, or if it has just accumulated for everyone at once... the stress of the holidays, etc., and it comes time to take a breather.

We have to sometimes go away from Second Life to remember the fun of it and the reasons we're there in the first place, and we have to come back rested and ready to do the things we need to do to make it our unstressed, fun, happy escape.

With that comes clarity of who we are, who we want to be. For me, I just want to be myself. It always comes back to that for me. I just want to be Beth. I like Beth.
And I'm happy being Beth with Max - this incredible man who will never, ever agree with me 100% on everything ever, but at the same time loves me and supports me being me, even if some part of that is something he disagrees with.

Is he my master? Yes. My owner? Yes. Does he expect blind obedience from me?

No, he doesn't. He's not that kind of master. He's the kind that is perfectly confident in his absolute importance in my life to know he can sit back and let Beth be Beth, knowing full well that he is... the One. He knows I submit to no other man but him. And he knows that I don't submit because he demands it... I submit because he has earned it by being Max, and that it brings me a sort of ethereal joy to kneel for him. Just him. Only him. Always him.

I don't walk behind him... I walk at  his side, or even in front of him so he can watch my ass, and give it a few good smacks.

I call myself his slave... it's not a title he bestowed on me, it's something that I wanted, asked for. There's no goofy Master/slave contract. I do not, nor will I ever, call him Master, or Master Max. He does not call me slave. I'm Beth, he's Max. We are equal in all ways... including servitude. I love to serve him, and he loves letting me indulge myself by letting go, and serving him. He doesn't degrade me, he doesn't humiliate me. He's proud. I wear a collar, and he holds the leash - not to control me, but because he wants me close to him. It's a tangible connection between the two of us, and we use it when we're alone. And I fucking love it. Putting my collar back on, giving him ownership... feeling the clasp snap tightly as he locked it... it filled me with warmth and security and love.

And isn't that what all of us really want? That intimacy that you can really only feel with one other person? That connection that goes deeper than sex, but is infinitely enhanced by it?

Max and I have that. It's silly to fight it... it just is what it is. We know how it feels when it's really good between us... and we're both willing to do the things it takes to keep it that good.

So, yeah... no sad, bitter, angry, defeated blog post from me today. Just smiles. Big ones. Comfort and security and bliss. Utter absolute ecstasy.
I know that wherever he is as he's reading this, his cock is thick and hard as he reads these words... and knows how I crave him. How much joy it brings me to be his slave... how I long to kneel for him, to worship him, that cock, for as long as the real world allows us. He's feeling that throb in his sac as it grows heavy and full... for me. And he's smiling right now knowing that as I write, as I think about him, his cock, and his love and ownership of me, I'm growing wetter and wetter, leaving a damp spot on the chair where I sit, and that that wetness is only for him.

He's my Max. I'm his Beth. And Second Life is our world.

And I could not be happier.

Saturday, February 10, 2018

The D Word

I've been in Second Life for about 10 years now, on and off. Mostly on.

Something has changed. Or maybe I've changed. I don't know.
In the old days, Second Life wasn't a game to most people I encountered. It's never been a game for me. I consider Beth Macbain to be an extension of RL Beth, and not a character, or caricature of myself.

And people were good with that. Or, at least, the group of people I that were my friends were good with that. They approached SL the same way I did.

That's all changed in the past six months or so. And I'm not sure if it's me, or just the people I've found myself being friends with, or if it's all of SL.

I thought that the people in my SL world had the same approach I did, and I suppose that's my mistake for assuming. SL has always been a place where I could be a freer version of myself... I could be overtly sexual, I could speak my mind (especially on this blog) and the people I knew, my friends, loved me for being me.

The last few months, though... I don't know. I've allowed myself to play a role. And never once in that role have I felt comfortable or happy, but I did it anyway, because I have feelings for my friends and lovers and wanted to make them happy even though I wasn't getting what I needed out of my SL experiences anymore.

And that thing that I need? It's the ability to be myself... that more open version of myself that doesn't have to worry about how I act or what I say affecting my job or my family or the ability to keep a roof over my head. I've always considered Beth Macbain to be the me I would be if money were no object and I didn't have the constraints of having to be proper or restrained all the time.

Logging into SL used to be cathartic for me. It was where I could let my hair down and dance naked and love without limits.

But now I feel like in order to keep my friends and lovers, I have to be a combination of a proper woman who knows her place AND a sex machine that wants to do nothing more than fuck 24/7.

I don't feel like my voice is encouraged or appreciated anymore. And I don't feel supported in the slightest.

And I know I'm coming across as whiny right now.

But I'm hurt. I've always used this blog to speak my version of the truth. And though often I said things some people didn't like or spoke on topics that were controversial, I never, ever felt that I was unsupported for saying the things I did. I had friends and lovers who encouraged me to put my heart into this blog because they understand me and how I communicate. They understood that sometimes I had things I wanted to say but had trouble finding the right words for, or that I had a problem I was struggling with and used this blog to sort out the mess in my brain. That, for the most part, this blog is very stream of consciousness... I just start typing, edit it for spelling and grammar, add a few nudes, and hit "publish". My friends and lovers understood that either I had something I wanted to talk about, something I wanted them to read and think about. That I wanted to be able to use all my words to express my side of whatever it was that was roiling around in my mess of a brain.

Or they understood that I had to talk things out with myself... using this blog... and that when I hit the "publish" button, it meant I was putting something to bed. That I had gotten out whatever was troubling me, worked myself through it, and was ready to move on.

I've been told recently that maybe that's fine for me to do... but instead of hitting that "publish" button, I should just erase my thoughts and not put them out here for anyone else to read.

And maybe that's true. But one of the reasons I've also gone ahead and posted my verbal diarrhea is because it always seems to resonate with a few people. I get messages from people thanking me, or saying I was able to put into words exactly what they were thinking or feeling but couldn't express.

And I still get that from people. I'll be out somewhere and a stranger will approach me and say "Are you the Beth with that blog? Remember when you wrote about such-and-such? It felt so good to read that and realize I'm not the only one who thinks that..." or a million varieties of that.

But I don't get that from my friends and lovers anymore. I've been told that what I write here is nonsense. I've been told I lie. And I've been told "you shouldn't have said that."

And because these are the people I'm closest to inworld, it makes me start to believe that they're right.

Don't get me wrong... I've always known that what I post here is my version of whatever it is I'm babbling about. And I know I've certainly read situations wrong before. In the past I've had people that I've written about set me straight, not from a "Fuck you, you're wrong" perspective but from a "Wow, I didn't realize that's what you thought... let's talk about it and fix it" perspective.

I feel like all I've gotten recently is from the "fuck you, you're wrong" place.

And I'm torn... half of me absolutely thinks that they must be right. Maybe they are? I'm at a place right now where I'm just down on myself enough to think that they're absolutely correct and I'm just a terrible, awful, selfish bitch. That I don't deserve to have friends or lovers and that they'd all be better off without me.

And then the other half kicks in where I know I'm depressed and that when that happens, I get down on myself and project my insecurity onto how I think others must view me, because it's how I'm viewing myself. And it's a black hole I've been down before time and time again and know damn good and well that the blackness will subside and I'll get my strength back and realize that I'm not the literal worst person to ever exist.

And that's what I keep telling myself now, but I'm not really believing it. I would be lying if I said that in this past week, quite a few of my thoughts weren't about how nice it would be to just be able to... not exist... anymore.

No, I'm not suicidal. Put your phones down. I'm not thinking about killing myself... I'm thinking about how nice it would be if I didn't have to and it could all just be over, and that's two VERY different things. I have no intention of offing myself and this isn't some pity-party cry for help.

And it's also not SL related. It's real world things, but SL has always been my escape, but my escape is down just as... unhappy... as the real world is for me.

What am I getting at with this? Fuck if I know. Once again, I sat down here with the intention of talking about something entirely different than where this has gone.

Stream of consciousness, remember? This is nothing more than the fucked up dialogue going on in my head.

I've lost friends and lovers this week over a blog post that I wrote. I took it down (edit: an edited version is now back up). I barely even remember what it was about or what I was trying to say. I just know that whatever it was I was trying to express has caused the three people I was closest to in SL to turn their backs on me.

I don't separate RL Beth and SL Beth when it comes to who I am, inside, when I'm in SL. I have emotions, and sometimes they're raw. Often they're raw. I could log into SL and be the Barbie version of Beth... always happy, always smiling, always ready to fuck or whatever, but... I'm not an actress. I don't want to be someone else. I want to be me. In the real world, people get annoyed with each other, people stop speaking, and people also talk or fight it out, if they care enough about each other.

In SL, if you show emotions that aren't shiny and happy, you're causing drama.

Oh, yeah... that is where I meant to go at the beginning of this post. Drama.

Drama has become a word that is associated with any show of emotion in SL that isn't something light and fluffy... or erotic, in my case.

It used to be reserved for those who set out with the intent of making mischief or wreaking havoc. Now it's assigned to anyone who has an issue with anything. "Why are you causing drama?" "All you do is cause drama."

Drama has become the unofficial safe word of Second Life. If you want someone to stop what they're doing or saying, just throw up the big D word - DRAMA. It's a very convenient way to not have to deal with humans with human emotions and feelings.

And I think that's wrong. I think emotions and feelings are the best things about Second Life... the good, the bad, and the ugly. Because it's real. Humans DO feel these things... every single one of us, every single day.

Second Life is nothing but a game if you take the humanity out of it. Life isn't always sunshine, and puppies, and butterflies, and orgies.

Maybe I'm just hanging around the wrong places with the wrong people. Everyone should be entitled to use SL in the way they want to, in the way that works best for them. Maybe there are places and people in SL who still feel the same way I do... that's it's not just a game... and I just need to clear out some people on my friend's list and go looking for new ones.

Or maybe that would be fruitless... maybe SL has devolved into something that is nothing more than a game.

If that's the case, I don't want to be there, and that makes me sad. SL has brought me so many great things... the love of my life, freedom, self-discovery. It's brought me confidence and laughter and tears and joy. But maybe that Second Life is dead.

Or maybe I'm just in a black hole of depression.

Or maybe I really am just a shitty, worthless human shit stain.

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