Sunday, June 25, 2017

La-La How the Life Goes On

I don't really have anything to post about tonight... I just wanted to share these photos.

Let's see... what is on my mind, hmm?

Well, I'm still grieving. It's been two weeks now since I lost Dad. I'm not sleeping very well, and when I do, I have nightmares. Dad keeps dying in them so every time I go to sleep, I experience his death all over again.

So, yeah... not sleeping much because why on earth would I want to, knowing THAT is waiting for me?
Other than that, though, I'm coping pretty well. There was family drama, of course, in the form of my sister getting mad at everyone for not behaving the way she wanted us to behave. That's calmed down now, though. She's apologized and we've all accepted it.

I've been doing a lot of reading about adult orphans. For those of you lucky folks who haven't lost both your parents yet, let me tell you... it's a fucking strange feeling. Aside from being sad, and grieving... holy shit, you guys... I have no parents anymore. Doesn't matter that I'm a perfectly capable independent woman who has been taking care of herself for years... I have no parents.

And that's some bullshit. I loved having parents. Mine were fucking amazing.

Who is going to bail me out of jail? Or keep me from being homeless? Or tell me I'm being a dumb ass when I'm being a dumb ass? Remind me to eat? Go to bed at a decent hour? Tell me to brush my teeth and wash behind my ears?
I know, I know... it's not like they've had to tell me any of those things in the last 40 years. It's just that now they can't tell me those things.

And who do I go to for advice? Those two people were always there, the only people in the world that I trusted 100%.  The only two people that I knew loved me unconditionally, and always would, no matter how badly I fucked something up.

They were fun. They laughed a lot. Jesus, they were both smart as hell. Mom, though she never graduated from high school (WWII in England... school wasn't as important as just surviving), was a card-carrying member of Mensa for years and years. Dad liked to think he wasn't nearly as smart as Mom, but when it came to some crazy-ass obscure clue on Jeopardy, he was always the one with the answer.
Sure, everybody loves their parents, but I liked mine, too. And it's just really some bullshit that they aren't here anymore.

I'm not religious. I'm not even spiritual. I guess I'm agnostic... I don't know what happens after death. But my brain tells me there is nothing. You die, you're done. That's it. No souls, no heaven. It's just the end.

The only comfort in that is knowing that our human remains will go back into the universe... become star stuff again. First to the earth, if we're buried. Or into the water, or air, or whatever, if we're cremated... and then we belong to the universe again.

I really hope I'm wrong, though, about there being nothing after. I really want to think that Mom and Dad are now together, somewhere, with my brothers, and all our pets, and other family members, having a grand old time.
And that's sort of what I'm clinging to, even though it's not something I really believe.

Oh... I didn't mean to turn this post into this. I just wanted to post some photos... lol.

I got fussed at today! See, there are other things going on, too. I'm still living. And a lover fussed at me. I wasn't too happy about that, even though I richly deserved it. I made an oops... or, a couple of them. And got called on the carpet for it. To the point where my cheeks were red, in RL, sitting at my computer flushing because I felt like a misbehaving child.

That's embarrassing, y'all.

And with most men, I'd have told them to go fuck themselves and walked away. I didn't, though. What do you suppose that means?
You know what would be nice? Sleep. Quality sleep. And yes, I've tried various methods... melatonin, Benadryl, melatonin AND Benadryl. Exercise. Housework. Music, meditation. Orgasms.

None of it is working. I know damn good and well that I'm tired. I feel tired. Exhausted. But I just can't go to sleep. And when I finally do fall asleep, I just toss and turn and wake up every hour or so. Fitful dreams... nightmares... I wake up twisted in the sheets and covered in sweat and then I can't get comfortable again so I just get out of bed until I feel drowsy again and then the entire process just starts over.

It sucks.
I'm going to go to the beach. Right now I'm trying to find my perfect location... and that's not easy. My perfect location involves there being no other human beings for miles. I miss living in California where I could just hop on PCH and drive until I found a beach that was deserted. Is there an east coast version of the PCH? Is it A1A? I need to check that out. I need a clean, cheap motel with a beach right outside the door and a beachside cafe.

Surely that place exists somewhere, right?
And that's all I know for tonight.

Life goes on. Babies are born, the elderly die, and in between we just muddle through as best we can.

Ob-La-Di Ob-La-Da

Ha-ha.

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