Neither Here nor There

 I'm in Second Life Limbo.

I've not logged in for months. It wasn't on purpose. I just... haven't. Sometimes I think I want to but I don't. I've got the login screen open right now and haven't clicked the Log In button. 

Why?

I don't really know. 

Second Life used to be something I took such great pleasure in. What happened to that? SL didn't change, did it? It must be me. I think I must've changed?

I make that a question because, again, I don't know. 

It's been weird fucking year, hasn't it? In so, so many ways. The big elephant in the room is COVID, of course. That has changed literally everything. I'm still working from home for the most part and it's very likely that will be a permanent situation. I know this has affected my SL time because after I sit at my desk at home all day working on my computer, at 5pm I'm done. I don't want to log off my work desktop and log into anything else. I don't want to be in front of a computer anymore. 

So that explains weekdays, but what about weekends? 

Before COVID, I had decided to start seeing a psychiatrist - not because anything was wrong or because I was having trouble handling my depression. I wanted to see one to talk about my medications and make sure that my GP and I were on the right track and see if there were any new/different/better options. Psychiatrists are rather thin on the ground as it turns out. I finally found one that was taking new patients AND accepted my insurance but it was months before I could get an appointment. Then COVID hit and I kept pushing off my first appointment because I didn't want to do telehealth. 

I finally had to, though, because clearly we were in it for the long haul with the damn pandemic because stupid fuckers refused to wear masks, stop having parties, going to church, blah, blah, blah. 

I hate anti-maskers with the burning hot passion of a billion suns by the way. Fuck every one of you selfish shit-stains. 

Anyway, I finally started seeing this guy through telehealth and we decided to make a change to my medication at my request. It wasn't that what I was on wasn't working - it's that the withdrawal side-effects were a bitch. If I missed a day or two, it was a fucking nightmare of brain zaps - and brain zaps suck ass. So over a period of several long months, I weaned off of that and started something else that doesn't have the same withdrawal effects. YAY! 

Of course, now that I've been seeing him for less than a year, he's decided to retire. That's fine. He was okay and I'm thankful I was able to get off the Cymbalta, but I didn't feel we ever really clicked over our 10 minute telehealth appointments where we only talked medication, so I'm back to my GP. 

Some other things also changed over the past year, too, namely that I got a huge raise. That is, of course, a good thing. It's allowed me the freedom to both fix my credit and also start living in a way I wasn't able to for a really long time. The biggest change was buying a new car. 

I love my new car, y'all. I can travel and not be afraid that my car is going to break down. It's gorgeous. Bright cherry red. I love getting in it and just driving. I started going to visit family, especially after I got vaccinated. Working in the healthcare field, I was one of the earliest groups to get the shots. 

So if my option was staying in my apartment and logging into SL, or getting out of the damn house and going places, my choice was to go places. Second Life started moving further and further back on my list of priorities.

One thing my psychiatrist pushed me to do was start therapy. I've been medicated for years, but the only time I ever visited a therapist was one visit after my father died just to help me get a grip on things.

I found a therapist a few months ago, and I love her. She has helped me SO MUCH just by being an advocate for ME. She's helped me deal with some things that I'm really not prepared to get into, but suffice it to say I'm so much healthier in several different ways than I was a few months ago. I've been working on a bunch of projects in my apartment since it's now both my home space and my work space. The raise has helped me be able to buy things and change things I never could before and I've been loving it so much.

I haven't told my therapist about SL yet. I will - there have just been bigger fish to fry. I'm struggling with how to talk to her about it, though. Second Life has been such a huge part of my world for well over a dozen years now, but there's the issue with how to explain that to someone who has never heard of it, right? It's not a game, but... what is it? It's on the computer and so people who've never heard of it will think it's a game when you call it a virtual world. 

I'm also having a hard time trying to figure out how to put into words the relationships and friendships I've had in SL, especially the BIG ONE.

Hugh. 

No, we haven't talked in years - not since the final email where we broke up, but he's still My Big One. I love him. That love hasn't diminished one single bit. He was, and still is, just such a good man, and we were so damn good together. Nothing else has touched that. I have tried so hard for so many years to enjoy Second Life without him - sometimes successfully, and sometimes not. I've had other relationships since him - I have loved other people since him. 

But I've never loved anyone in the same way. 

This is absolutely something I'm going to have to tackle with my therapist. Is Second Life healthy for me or not? Is there a way to enjoy it in a different way than I have in the past.

I feel guilty for not logging in. I have a loyalty to Second Life. Hugh was Second Life, and if for no other reason, I owe Linden Lab greatly because I was able to meet him and have that amazing relationship because of them. I'm not spending the money I used to in SL, and I feel guilty about that. I abandoned a huge chunk of my mainland and got rid of three of my four premium memberships. 

Is one person cutting back going to break LL? Of course not - I'm not that important, but I still feel very guilty abandoning this entity that has been there for me for so very long. I love Second Life, and I love Linden Lab. I consider Patch Linden one of my favorite people in the whole world - not to mention a certain Mole that occupies a HUGE place in my heart. I truly don't believe that SL would still exist if it weren't for the passion Patch has for it. I could go on for pages about what I believe Patch has contributed to keeping the doors open, but... maybe another time.

Bottom line - I believe LL is a good company with good employees and I want to support that no matter what. Have they made missteps? Of course. What company hasn't? But I truly believe they are good people and are providing something through Second Life that is utterly invaluable to a lot of people. 

But have I outgrown it? Again, I don't know. I've taken breaks from SL before. I once left for a year and came back because I wanted to try mesh clothing when it became a thing. And when I came back, I met Hugh and my entire world changed for the better. 

Second Life has evolved, and I've evolved. I'm not sure we've evolved in compatible ways, though. My SL was flipped on its ear with the creation of Bellisseria. I learned, really for the first time, that there was a whole huge side of SL that wasn't about sex. I had so much fun that first year of Bellisseria's existence. I met Patch - and I met Quartz. My friendships with them, as well as other Lindens and Moles showed me a whole nother side of things. The sense of community was huge and I loved it. I loved it so much that I became absolutely addicted to the community of the SL forums - and that, my friends, was a mistake on my part.

Of all the things I love and adore about SL, the forums are poison. The drama is untenable and I got caught up in it in so many damaging ways and I have to be honest and say that it tainted my view of Second Life or, at least, the residents of Second Life. It was such an ugly experience for me that it was a very big part of why I started drifting away. It was unhealthy for me and I didn't like the person I was becoming by being part of the forums. People hurt me, and even worse - I hurt people. 

Some of my behaviors made me ashamed. I should have been mature enough to just walk away from conflict instead of diving right into it. You see, there are a handful of white supremacists who showed their true colors in the race discussions that cropped up in various threads. Several of them were people that I had previously really liked and respected. When I realized what they were, rather than just walking away, I fought. Sometimes I fought ugly. I've never been one to pull my punches, and I firmly believe in speaking my truth, but the rage I felt led me to just swinging wildly without considering how they landed. 

I did more harm than good. On a personal level, I feel - felt - ashamed of that. Once I realized it, I was able to walk away from the forums. I just stopped. 

The damage had been done, though. My view of the residents of SL was tarnished by my interactions with these few people and though that's unfair because that handful of people are absolutely not representative of the whole of Second Life. 

Along with that, and my pulling back from the Bellisseria community, my sex drive pretty much dried up. 

And... as you all know, my sex drive has been a huge driving force for my entire existence in Second Life. 

Why has it dried up? I'd say there are a variety of factors. The damn pandemic, all the upheaval and unrest in the world, changing medications, being basically isolated for a year, growing older, concentrating on therapy, being involved in all my ongoing RL projects, etc., etc., etc.

(As a side note to all this, but certainly not the focus of this post, I have recently found my orgasms again, so that's nice.)

Anyway, without Hugh, without sex, without being involved in the community aspects of SL... what is there for me? 

And THAT is where my struggle is right now. I want to be in Second Life, but I don't freaking know what to do anymore in Second Life. 

I don't want to really deal with people in SL. After being on Zoom calls, and Teams meetings all day, my introverted self needs to recharge so I don't really want to be sociable in SL. 

That's a thing, too - when you look to see who is online and realize that if you log in, someone is going to want to talk to you because you've been missing for so long. So you put off logging in even longer which means it'll be even more noticeable when you return. 

I don't want to go to clubs and feel like I have to make small talk. Shopping and photography is still a draw for me but can I do that without talking to anyone? It isn't that I don't like the friends I have in SL. I do. I love them. But I just don't want to go through all the exhausting explanations. Maybe that's the purpose of this post - to explain using all my thousands of words what the tangled mess in my head is telling me?

So what do I do? What's the answer? 

And that's why I called this post "Neither Here nor There"... because I'm not here in Second Life, but I'm also not NOT here because SL is never far from my mind and is certainly in my heart.

I'm at a loss and I'm not sure what to do. When I first realized that I didn't want to log in several months ago, I didn't worry about it too much. I firmly believe it's healthy to take breaks just to get a reset. 

But the longer it's gone on, the more troubled I am, and the more difficult I'm finding things. I don't want to abandon Second Life and Beth Macbain. I want to be in Second Life and be part of Second Life but the energy for it just isn't there. 

I want it to be there. How do I recalibrate my world to make room for RL and SL? Do others ever feel this struggle or is this just a problem that I'm inventing? Do I just keep paying for my premium and my tier to support Linden Lab without using the product simply because I believe in it and just quit worrying about whether or not I actually log in since I'm still giving them money? 

But what about the people? I don't consider my SL friends to be just that - SL friends. I don't differentiate like that. Friends are friends no matter what world they are in, and I feel like I've abandoned them. I hate feeling that but the idea of logging in still feels like a chore for me. 

And I don't think Second Life should be a chore. I think it should be something I want to do, not that I feel like I have to do. 

I want to want to log in. 

How do I find that desire again?

Ready for It

I've set up my naughty little play area on Zindra and I love it. The region is Fazio. Again, no direct LM... I'd much prefer you approach from a distance instead of just popping in right in front of me. 

If I'm there, either I want to fuck, or I'm AFK and open for anyone to come do whatever they want with me. I'm wearing my collar. You may grab it and toss me on whatever piece of furniture you want to fuck me on. 

Sometimes I may be wearing a blindfold. If that's the case, I can barely see you. I don't know your name. A wonderfully anonymous fuck in every way. You don't need to message me, you don't need to ask. Just take. 

If I'm there, but unable to actively participate (fucking real life) I'll let you know by changing my expressions, or opening my tight little pussy for you. If I'm able to participate, you'll know. 

Wearing my Mama Allpa as well... go ahead and force me open. Take the risk if you'd like. I promise I won't hunt you down and demand child support. 

I've set up a tiny little bar in the front of the parcel. A couple tables, drinks, jukebox. You'll often find me dancing there. Feel free to enjoy anything and everything, even if it's not fucking me. There is a small lake... take a dip if you'd like. At the back, there are a couple little buildings with more seating, a bedroom, and a spa area. 

Still planning on adding a nasty little BDSM room up in the sky for those of you who like things a bit rough. I do adore pain. No humiliation or degradation, though. That'll get you booted. No scat. No death or dismemberment. No mutilation. This is about pleasure, and yes, I do love pain but that doesn't mean I don't demand respect. 

You'll know my mood by the music, parcel lighting (EEP is fucking cool as fuck), what I'm wearing, and what I'm doing. It may be soft and sensual, it may be dark and throbbing. 

I want you to use me. A couple of men have approached me with a bit of trepidation because they don't believe I'm honestly opening myself up for this.

Trust me, I am. Let me be your toy. 

Fulfilling My Dirty Bucket List

Edit: I have changed this post since I now have land on Zindra exclusively for fucking any and all. Instead of my mainland house, you can find me on Zindra in the Fazio region.

Hello lovelies!

I'm sure many of you think I've done all the filthy things it's possible to do in Second Life, but I actually haven't. There are some things I'd love to try but either haven't had the courage to do it, or the opportunity. 

• I want to be gangbanged, but I've never found a group of men who will respect me and not just act like jackasses that don't worry about whether or not I orgasm. I want the gangbang to be about my pleasure, as well as the gentlemen involved.
• I want to be in an orgy. This one is harder than it sounds because I get absolutely turned off by people who emote poorly, and I don't want the action to be controlled by one person. If I'm with someone, or several someones, and I'm enjoying myself, I don't want someone to suddenly hit the swap button and find myself with someone I'm uninterested in right before I'm about to squirt all over my fingers, or whatever toy I've got between my thighs. Just like in a real orgy, permission should be sought, but it's also no fun if it's just couples or people who don't ever want to switch. 
• I want to put myself on display for free use of anyone who wants to fuck me. 
• I want to try AFK sex, both being the AFK party, and being the one who climbs on top of an AFK man and uses him for my pleasure.
• I want to go to a BDSM playground and open my RLV for everyone so I can get fucked and beaten and used and tossed around until I'm crying, cumming, covered in welts and bruises, and utterly destroyed.
• I want to find a group of people, both men, women, and trans, who are all into quality, as well as quantity, when it comes to lovers. A group that gets together in a large group, or smaller groups, for sex parties.

One of these I'm attempting me fulfill now. Well, two actually, but combined into one. 

I've always wanted to try the AFK sex thing, more as a curiosity thing than anything else. I have a feeling, though, that going to an AFK sex place and plopping myself down would result in approximately nothing happening because I have no idea if anyone actually even visits those places. I think it would end up being terribly disappointing. This is also NOT a commercial venture. I don't want, or need, your money. This is about pleasure.

The other is making my body available for free use - not necessarily AFK, but actually as an active participant in having strangers use me in any way they wish. To allow myself to be completely at their mercy, and to do anything they desire. 

With the pandemic, I'm now working from home almost exclusively, which means I can be logged into SL all day long. A few weeks ago, a little sliver of land came up for sale next to my mainland parcel so I snapped it up. It's weirdly shaped, and my parcel has no water access, so I built a water-filled rock quarry in the cliffs using that land, and I love how it's turned out. I'm still working on it, but it's coming along nicely.

And, of course, all the floats and furniture I've decorated it with are adult. No matter what I'm sitting or sprawling on, anyone could come along and fuck me. I do need to put out some things for woman on woman action (I'm an equal-opportunity fuck) as well as some group sex things.

So I'm going to tell you where to find me. If I'm in the quarry, I want to be used. Don't worry... parcel privacy is turned on. No one can see us unless they enter the property as well, and if they do, that's on them when they get an eyeful.

This fulfills two of my fantasies if this works. First, of course, is making myself free for anyone to use. 

Secondly, since I'm technically working my real job, I may or may not actually be there, so I can indulge in my AFK fantasies. I may be watching but unable to participate due to being in a Zoom meeting. The only sign that I might actually be watching us is if I open my mouth when I see you want to fuck my throat. You may see my facial expressions change. My pussy might get a little creamy and spread for your use, or my asshole. Or I might not be there at all, and come back to find myself all wet and messy and gooey with your cum. I may be able to be an active participant and fuck you right back. 

Is there already someone else there? Take a seat and watch, or join in if I'm on something that allows for threesomes or moresomes.

Before I tell you where to find me, I do have a couple of requests. If I'm on my property, but not at the quarry, please leave me be. My house is only for me and those I invite. If I'm AFK, I won't be able to stop you, but if I'm there, you'll get banned and kicked. I'm working on subdividing the quarry, but for some reason it's not working for me right now. 

Feel free to take pics, but please show them to me before you post them anywhere, and I will do the same. No one shows up on my Flickr or in this blog without me asking for permission first. Please show me the same respect.

Finally, no, we don't need to be friends. If you extend the offer, I'm going to decline it. This is about strangers fucking like raw, wild, primal animals. Not to say you can only visit once. Feel free to stop by use me whenever your dick is hard, but we're likely not going to be friends. I keep my list very small. It's nothing personal, I promise.  

My place is on the mainland continent of xxxxx, and my region is xxxxx. I don't own the entire region, but I do have a nice chunk of it and should be easy to find. I'm not giving you a LM to make it too easy - where's the fun in that? 

Oh, and if I'm not around at all? Please feel free to enjoy any of the amenities, including the house. There are several bars scattered around, and a paddock with horses that you may ride. Don't worry if you ride off my land - either just ride them back when you're done, or if you lose them, I can find them. The only horse that isn't available to anyone is Buttercup. She's all mine.

I posted this offer a couple of days ago on Flickr, and one gentleman proved brave enough to come see if my offer was actually valid. I do believe he enjoyed himself quite a bit - we both did. I was able to join in, and we fucked like crazy. Several wicked orgasms for me, and at least one for him that was so good it made him shout in RL. 

References are available if you want to know just how good I am. There are also plenty of men who can verify that I'm truly a woman - they've both heard and seen me. Make no mistake - I am no whore. I'm a sexually open, sex positive, grown-ass woman. If you stop by and start calling me derogatory names or treating me poorly, you're going to get a ban, and likely an absolutely emasculating verbal ass-kicking as well. I don't unsheathe them very often, but I do have claws. 

I am SLT +3, and will normally be around from 9-5ish my time, so 6-2 SLT. 

So what are you waiting for? This is your invitation to fuck me. Don't ask, just take. Use me. Cum in any or all of my holes. Coat me with it. Leave me sated and sloppy.

I promise... I want this. I want you to do this. I wouldn't be making this offer if it wasn't serious. I may withdraw it sometime in the future, but for right now, I want you to fuck me. 

 

It's not Black & White

This is going to be an odd sort of blog entry. It's about sex, with the dirty pictures to go along with it, but it's also about a bigger topic, and one I'm probably maybe going to get a little hate for. 

That's never stopped me before, though, has it?

This is my friend C. 

Gorgeous, isn't he? Okay, I know you can't see too much of him in this pic, but I was more focused on having his face between my thighs than having his face in a pic. 

I'm going to be very honest here - C is the first Black man I've fucked in Second Life. 

There is a reason for that, but it's probably not the reason one would first assume when reading that previous statement.

He was very good at this, by the way. Extremely good. Incredibly good. 

Anyway, the reason I've never fucked a Black man in Second Life is because when I encounter Black men in Second Life, I generally assume that they're actually white guys. 

And I do think that's a fair assumption. I would say, hanging out in sex-focused regions, that 95% of the Black men I've met are so obviously white men living out some weird hyper-stereotypical BBC Black bull fantasy, and I find that both ridiculous and offensive. 

It's like the only Black men they have to base their "characters" on are in porn, and they've just gone through and ticked off every checkbox of the typical porn big Black bull with a big Black cock. 

They max out their sliders... tall as possible, broad as possible, muscular as possible, and then they buy their cock, and max that the fuck out, too, and it's just... well, quite frankly, it's stupid as hell.

And I know that there are women out there who are attracted to that, and some of those women are white, but for most white women, and the white men in Black avatars, it's not about attraction. They have fetishized Black men based on porn - bad porn at that. 

And I think that's wrong.

Look! He actually fits in my mouth!

Don't get me wrong - I love a nice big fat cock, but there is a point, especially within the limits of SL, where it becomes just asinine. It fits in no mouth, and it sure as hell doesn't fit in a snatch or an ass, not without causing damage that would send a woman to the hospital with torn lips. Mouth lips AND hoo-ha lips!

And I love me some pain, but c'mon... 

C is the first Black man I've gotten to know in SL where it never once occurred to me that he was actually a white guy. There is nothing overblown about him. He didn't have that trying-too-hard-to-act-and-look-Black aura that most have. 

I don't want to fuck a stereotype. I don't want to fuck a pasty-faced white guy pretending to be a big Black stallion who has absolutely zero knowledge of big Black stallions other than some shitty low-budget porn. 

And that's why I've never fucked a Black man until I met C. I felt none of that, "Oh hell, it's another nerdy white dude that wants to jack off to live action BBC porn."

In fact, the only thing I asked him related to his SL look versus his RL look was asking if he's a Black ginger in RL. 

He's an awesome man. I'm not one of those white people who claim to not see color - of course I see color (and so do all those other white folks who say they don't). I know he's black and I know his history and culture is different from my history and culture - but it doesn't have to be something more than that. 

He's a hell of a fun ride. 

I'm attracted to people. That is to say that I'm attracted to who a person is, and there are a lot of things going on in my brain and my hormones that make me aware that I find a person attractive. Yes, physical attraction is important, but it's only one slice of a gigantic cake. That person could be white, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, or any of a thousand different cultures we have on this big old planet of ours. When a person makes up their mind that they are only physically attracted to a certain race or culture, and is unable look beyond that, that is a problem. 

(I'm going to get people with standard avatars coming after me for saying that, because I won't fuck people who aren't mesh in SL, and yes, I've been in arguments with people who say that's racist. Fuck off with that nonsense.)

A month or so ago, I got involved in a bit of a heated debate on the SL forums. I've broken my addiction to the forums, by the way. I finally stepped back and realized how toxic they are. 

But anyway, this debate was one of many recent ones regarding race, and the question came up about white folks with Black avatars, and whether or not that counts as blackface. 

I had to think a long time about this. 

Second Life is supposed to be anything we want it to be, right? Your world, your imagination.

So... having an avatar that is a different race than your RL race is... okay? Is it different if it's a white person with an Asian avatar, or a Black person with a white avatar?

Is there a line between being acceptable and unacceptable? If so, where is that line?

I struggled with this. I lost a friend over this - well, partially this and partially because she wouldn't let go of the "all lives matter" trope no matter how many people tried to explain it. She has also had a Black avatar in SL, though she stopped using it a few months ago. When I "met" her (on the forums) I genuinely thought she was black. It didn't occur to me that she wasn't. 

When I discovered that she is actually white, it didn't bother me like it does with white men pretending to be Black, and I had to toss that around in my mind for a while, too. 

She explained how she just wanted to create a beautiful Black avatar, and she did. The look was gorgeous and realistic. She didn't give herself the stereotypical fat ass, with a tiny waist, and giant boobs, teetering on toothpick ankles that so many do - though, to be fair, that look isn't limited to race in SL.  I call that the Kardashian effect. 

Y'all... even Kim Kardashian doesn't look like Kim Kardashian. Without photoshop and at least three pairs of Spanx shaping that ass, she looks like every other pleasantly plump woman in America. 

Anyway, here's the conclusion I've come to, and I realize it's up to others to decide for themselves where the line is.

These white guys in SL portraying the stereotypes? That's blackface. Don't do that. You aren't playing a character - you are portraying and perpetuating a caricature. A race isn't a fetish, and fetishizing Black men, and women, too, is offensive. 

Second Life is not your minstrel show. 

I truly believe that most people doing this are oblivious to what they're doing. Either they don't understand what a caricature is, or they've never actually spent much time around the Black community. And, of course, there are some jackasses who know exactly what they're doing and just don't care. 

Just a little break in the action...

I know someone somewhere is reading this right now with steam coming out of their ears. How dare I call what they're doing offensive, right? Meh. It's blackface and you're being racist and offensive. Do better. 

Anyway, C is definitely someone I will have sex with again. Hell, I already have. 

Round Two!

Enough about race, I think. It's time to talk about me! 😜

This is my Second Life now, and I'm truly loving it. It's not so much that I've even gone back to being my old self. I'm different now, the situation I find myself in is different.

In the past, though I was sexually open, I was also still constantly searching for a relationship. 

I had such a magical relationship with Hugh, and I always wanted something to... well, not replicate it, because every relationship is different, but to fill a gap in my life that was left open and raw after his departure.

And I found it twice and had two more amazing relationships with the most amazing men. 

And right now? I am so not looking to jump into another relationship.

That's not even a conscious decision on my part. I just realized that I was having a lot of fun with several men, and I was reluctant to even accept friend requests from them afterwards. 

Even that small thing feels like too much of a commitment to me in a few ways. I've always wanted people to use the calling card system in SL for casual friendships, and keep the actual friend list to just a few people, but the greater population of SL rejected that idea. 

As a result, I've had a couple of awkward conversations with men recently. Some I've refused, and some I've accepted, or even offered, with the caveat that I likely won't answer IMs some of the time, or even a lot of the time. 

If I'm with someone else, I don't answer IMs. I think it's rude, like taking a phone call in the middle of dinner. Whoever I'm with deserves my full attention. The other thing is being an introvert. I love my alone time in RL (which I'm getting plenty of these days working from home until people START WEARING THEIR FUCKING MASKS SO WE CAN GET THIS GOD DAMN VIRUS UNDER CONTROL, YOU SELFISH NO-MASK JACKASSES) and I also love my alone time in SL to shop, take photos, work on my new look, decorate, write a blog entry, whatever. 

I want to fuck when I want to fuck, and I want to be left alone pretty much the rest of the time... lol.

I love people. I love most everyone, but I can only do one on one time in small doses before I find myself itching to be somewhere else doing something else. 

I'll never be a social butterfly. I've been hitting up clubs and adult regions lately because I'm looking to get laid. Maybe it's because of the virus, but I do feel like the quality of men has gone up since my year long hiatus from sex. I'm not having the same trouble I used to have finding men who I found attractive - physically and intellectually. 

That's a good thing - maybe the only good thing about Covid. I'm just hoping they stick around once we finally beat it into submission in two or three years (by the way the US is handling it). 

C is definitely one of the good ones. Attractive, intelligent, funny, able to make me cum multiple times. He made it onto the real friends list, and I'm absolutely keeping him there. 😉

Coming Attractions

Hello, lovely people! I'm so excited to announce a couple of things today!

All of this is in the very preliminary stages, so much more to come as I learn what the hell I'm doing!

I've always been interested in making Second Life videos but, because I'm me, not like the ones you see on YouTube. I want to make erotica... sexy, sensual, quality adult videos that aren't like the bom-chica-bow-wow videos most pornographers make for SL (or RL for that matter). Not that there is anything wrong with those, but I've always imagined mine to be a bit more intimate. Me, with my actual lovers, having sex. Or me alone, masturbating. My voice... no cheesy voice-dubbing, no unrealistic moans and goofy ass baby talk about "Oooooh... your cock is SO BIG!" 

My voice, my lover's voices... having real orgasms together.

I've always been way too impatient to learn the software and learn how to edit. Guess what? I've learned! I'm still a noob, and need a lot of practice at both filming and editing. 

I made my first attempt, though, almost by accident. I was playing/practicing with camera angles, etc., and filming myself masturbating and a friend stopped by. Things happened. I ended up with a few little clips that I liked a lot, so I used them to make my first little short video.

I have to admit, the nervousness I felt when I hit the upload button was odd for me. For years and years, I've put pictures of myself from every possible angle on Flickr for everyone to see, and I've opened myself up in a hundred different ways, emotionally and mentally, here on this blog. I've shared joy and pain, my (winning!) battle with depression, my love life, mourning for my father, my brother, a lot of thoughts and opinions about SL, and tons of sexually explicit material. I never hesitated to share myself with everyone. 

But putting this tiny little video out there for the world to see freaked me out a little bit. I don't know that it was the visual content as much as the audio content that scared me. This is my voice. This is me. 

This is me having an orgasm. 

Even editing the video, listening to myself climaxing over and over felt so strange. I don't think anyone actually likes the sound of their own voice in recordings, right? I was hyper-conscious of every flaw - my southern accent, my slight lisp when I make "ess" sounds, the pitch, the tone, the realness... and in the end, that's why I left it as is. It's real. I didn't apply any effects or try to change it in any way. That's what I sound like having an orgasm, so... yeah.

Anyway, here it is. My debut adult video. Please be kind!

Out of the Shadows

Of course, I've already had one comment from a man complaining because my friend didn't "shot(sic) in my face." Comments like that from anyone, anywhere piss me off. I think, perhaps, that's one of the reasons why I want to do this. 

If you wouldn't walk up to a woman in the real world in public and say it, then don't say it online, either. Because if you said that to me in public in the real world, I'd punch you right in the family jewels.

Too many men are watching too much porn where the women are treated just abysmally. I can be sexually submissive, but I have never gone in for any degradation or humiliation. When I see that, it's a red-flag to me that this is a woman who has dealt with abuse - either currently or in her childhood. There is nothing sexually arousing about that. Treating women like shit should not be a sexual fetish, and far from a fetish, it's becoming the norm in a lot of porn.

And men without a lot of real world sexual experience see those videos and think it's okay to treat women that way. It isn't. This isn't me kink-shaming - this is me saying treat women, all women, with respect. 

So yeah, that's part of why I want to make porn/erotica. They're educational videos. 😋

And don't even get me started on the fake "family" porn that is all the rage these days... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! I could do an entire blog entry about how horrifying that is to me. Another time, perhaps.

But wait... there's more!

So the big streaming platforms hypocritically want no part of Second Life because people do dirty things, as if they don't do dirty things in other video games, not to mention the violence which, in my opinion, is far more harmful than adults having adult sex. Regardless, I went searching for a streaming platform that will allow Second Life adult content, and I found one called Picarto. It's made especially for creatives *nudge, nudge, wink, wink* and not camgirls, though I guess this makes me a virtual camgirl.

This is my channel:

unBethical behavior live

I'm going to start livestreaming. Not the boring things, like shopping and decorating, and all that crap - unless people specifically request it - but the sexier side of SL. The dirty side. Me, friends, exploring... having sex. Having fun doing those things we all do. To be honest, I've never really watched any streamers. I'm not into video games and have zero desire to watch someone shooting and killing and whatever it is people do in those games. 

Makes it pretty obvious, I'm not a Millennial, eh?

So I'm just going to be winging it. 

And, no, I won't be charging anyone. This is for fun, not profit, so don't worry that I'm going to start demanding tokens from you!

The other thing I would LOVE to do is start an adult SL weekly talk show with guests. I'd love to interview the owners of the big adult regions and clubs, people who are active in the adult side of SL, and possibly even snag a Linden or two for a chat about adult Second Life and any plans for the future.

What do you guys think? I want to hear from you to know if these are things anyone is interested in. I can do it all alone, but what fun is that? I'd love to hear the type of things you'd like to see in a Second Life talk show made for the more adult side of SL.

As always, thank you for supporting me and this goofy little blog of mine for all these years! Some of you have been here since day one, and I'm always so wonderfully surprised when I run into someone inworld who tells me they read this thing. I adore every single one of you! 💖