Monday, April 24, 2017

Ah, That's Better...

First of all, THIS guy came back. Not free to say who THIS guy is just now, but he's a dear love of mine from way back. He has stuck by me through thick and thin, and though he hasn't been in SL much, he's never been more than a Kik away from me. And now he's slowly making his way back... to me. He's the one who knows me best, my kinks, my fears, my life. Lover, master, daddy, friend, all rolled into one delicious package.

I'm so glad he's back!
And then I met this guy. A follower of this blog, he approached me and we clicked right away. He's wicked... and a wonderful lover, even though we've only had a chance to fuck once.

It was one of those rare and amazing times when you hop into bed with someone and it's perfect right from the start.
He got down there and took care of me but good... after I had my lips wrapped around his cock for a while. No photos of that, unfortunately... I was too busy making sure he was hard as a rock for me.

He took me to the edge, and pushed me right over... several times. You know what I'm talking about... when you cum and cum and it all just blends together like one massive, head-spinning, toe-curling shattering orgasm.
And when I was weak from his mouth, he gave me what I needed most.

As you all know, I like it kinky and hard, but I love it best in plain old missionary position. I love having a man's weight on top of me, pressing into me, owning me. Fucking me.

He fucked me well enough... exquisitely enough... that I absolutely have to have more of him. Soon.
I love a sexy, nerdy man in glasses. A suit (tossed somewhere on the floor). Mature. No ripped jeans or wife beaters... just a handsome, intelligent, dorky man. One who sheds his cool exterior and gets all primal and raw and dirty with me behind closed doors. 

I can't say life is going too well right now in the real world... and that's a topic for another, more serious, post. Dad is... nearing the end of his long life journey. 

But in SL? Second Life is pretty fucking awesome. With lots of pretty awesome fucking. 

Sunday, April 16, 2017

I Want Your Sex

Okay, so I know I'm a bit... um... flaky... about whether or not I want a relationship or not.

Honestly, it can change by the day.
Right now, though... oh, Christ, I do NOT want a relationship. My last few attempts have been utter disasters.

And I want no part of that anymore... for the time being.
As usual, though, finding men to fuck has been a challenge. I've written time and time again about how hard it is to find good lovers in SL. If they're funny and intelligent, they've got a system body and a freenis. If they're all meshed and Bento'd out, they're idiots who can't string together a coherent sentence.

Finding someone smart and funny and sexy on the outside as well as the inside is a challenge. Especially when I only want to know them in the carnal sense.
I know you guys think it's a compliment when  you tell me that you want me for something more than a quick dirty fuck, but... er... that's all I want you for right now. And as dommy as you think you are, you don't get to decide for me whether or not it's nothing more than a fuck.

So anyway, I go here, I go there, I perv profiles, I find guys that I think look interesting for a one night stand, then something happens and I lose interest before we even fuck.

OMG, you guys, I JUST WANT TO FUCK!
That's not me screaming in exasperation, it's a plea to the handsome, intelligent men who read this to come fuck me.

I decided to try something new... someplace new. If any of you know me, you'll know I despise role play. Using third person rather than first is (normally) a big turn off for me. I'm not writing a script when I'm having sex with you. I'm not storing up some wank bank material for later when I'm lying in bed with my vibrator. I don't want to emote an orgasm... I want to have an orgasm.

So I avoid role play sims like the plague. Waiting minutes for someone to type up a response is no way to have sex. If I'm in bed with you in RL, we're not pausing between actions - we're fucking going for it. And when I have sex in SL, I want to do the same thing. I want to fucking go for it. Me, not Beth Macbain as some separate entity - me.
I've known about Mysterium's Masked Mansion for a while. I've even stopped by the landing point several times in the past, and though intrigued, I've always stepped away after reading the rules. RP only. In local.

That is just not my thing. I don't mind having sex in public... hell, I like having sex in public. But the words... to me, those should be private. Mainly because I don't want to feel like I'm performing for an audience but also because from seeing many others fucking in local chat and sounding like idiots, sexy talk just isn't necessarily sexy unless you're one of the participants.

But I found myself back at Mysterium's a week or so ago and decided to give it a go. I was especially drawn in by the promise of the anonymous HUD, but fearful of the prospect of having to fuck in local chat.
My first experience was, predictably, a disaster. A gentleman approached me, and we started flirting. There were others in the room and people were greeting each other. Being courteous as one should be, I returned the greetings and engaged in a little chat with others in the room while also flirting with this fellow. Mind you, nothing of consequence had happened yet. We were at the very beginnings of foreplay when he got into a proverbial sword fight with another man who dared say something to us. Nothing rude, not butting his way into our RP. As a matter of fact, he was leaving and basically telling us to have a good time.

For some reason, Mr. Macho took this as a direct affront to his masculinity and then had the bloody gall to tell me he was now turned off because I spoke to others. What? 

Oh, seriously, go fuck yourself. You're about to have sex in public in a room full of people where the rule is that emoting is done in local chat. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
I've had better luck since then, though. Such as with the gentlemen in these photos. He was handsome and smart, his emotes were sexy and we had a great fuck on the bar.

It's still very difficult for me to stick to the rules, though. When I'm about to orgasm, thinking in paragraphs is a bitch. And when I'm on the edge, waiting for two or three minutes for a response is enough to take me right off the edge. I'm not sure what to do about that.

It doesn't take me long to cum. I can cum multiple times, but it's still weird when I'm having sex with someone, and I say I'm about to cum... and do, in RL, and then get a response a couple minutes later. It's sort of like, "Oh, you're still on that orgasm? I already had that one and moved on..."

But I love the anonymous aspect of Mysterium's. It's the rule. I don't have to feel bad about not wanting to see the guy again after we've fucked because that's sort of the expectation.
So I'm going to keep lurking around Mysterium's, I think. And I'll keep trying to figure out a way to be relatively anonymous AND have the type of sex that actually gets me off all while trying not to break the rules they have in place. 

Are there any other places like this that I'm missing, guys? Maybe someplace that isn't so strict about the RP rules, but not like the Chamber or FMDs where people stand around most decidedly NOT fucking? Help a girl out. I need sex. I need a lot of it. With lots of guys. 

Hell, maybe even at once. Guys with mesh bodies and Bento hands and heads? And NOT Flintstone feet. In suits, not motorcycle gear? Men who are dominant but not arrogant woman-haters? Men who appreciate a sexual woman and don't feel the need to "tame" her? 

Anyone? Bueller? Hello?

crickets

Monday, March 27, 2017

Ghost in the Machine

The machine, of course, being my computer.

And my ghost's name is Tholgar. Stupid name, right? That should have been my first clue.
I had to think long and hard before writing this. I needed to make sure that I wasn't guilty of doing what I'm accusing this jackass of doing.

Ghosting.

Yes, there have been times I've defriended someone in SL without so much as a word, but they weren't men that I was in an actual relationship with. They were guys that I've slept with a couple of times then never clicked with again. They weren't reaching out to me, I wasn't reaching out to them and there just was no reason to keep them on my list. And had any of them contacted me about it, I would have explained.

I've not done what this tiny-dicked joke of a man did.
Being an adult is hard. I get it. It is! But you know what? Tough shit. Being an adult means that you sometimes have to do things that aren't necessarily pleasant.

Like breaking up with someone, for instance. It's never an easy conversation, it's never a fun conversation, but it's what you do when you're a fucking adult.

Ghosting someone is bullshit. There is no good excuse for it. This wasn't a casual thing - it didn't last long, but it was a relationship. He had access to my house. Hell, I even Skyped with him. We talked about stuff and things. Families, jobs, hopes and dreams. We called it a relationship. He called it a relationship.
Am I perfect? Oh fuck no. Am I good girlfriend material? Hell if I know. Do I make mistakes? TONS of them.

But this shit is not my fault. I take no blame here. This is all on him and it's a glaring reflection on his stunted emotional maturity.

A dom? HA! Hardly. I'd call him a pussy, but that's an insult to women. He's a chicken-shit cowardly horse's ass.
So ladies, if you ever run into some guy calling himself Tholgar, run the other way. He took the most spineless, gutless, lily-livered way out a person possibly can.

This man is the epitome of a douchebag.

Oh, and by the way, you dumbass... I know you're reading this. I can see who's reading my blog. No, no use in closing the page now... it's too late. You don't have the balls to talk to me, but you'll haunt this blog like the cowardly ghost you are.

Go fuck yourself.


Sunday, March 26, 2017

Boys Are Dumb

Okay, so here's what happened.
Last week... Thursday, I believe, I sent T a couple of Skype messages in the evening that went unanswered. Nothing important, just a "hey". I assumed he'd fallen asleep as it was a bit later in the evening and sent another message saying something like "I guess you've gone to sleep... goodnight."

As I was climbing into bed, I checked to see who was online. I do this all the time, just look to see which of my friends happens to be logged in. I saw that T was inworld. So I sent another message saying "I guess not asleep since I see you're inworld now" and yes, it had a frowny face emoji. I went to bed then and didn't think anything else about it.
I work up to a message saying that if I'd have come online, I'd have found him standing in my house because he fell asleep while logged in on his phone.

I apologized for assuming the worst. I can admit when I'm wrong, and apparently I was wrong.

The rest of the day Friday, I got nothing but the cold shoulder from him. Messages went unanswered or I got very brief, terse responses. Friday night, when we were both online, he sent me one message about how he didn't like my assuming the worst.
Again, I apologized. He logged off. Skype messages have gone unanswered. IMs in SL have gone unanswered.

As I said, I can admit when I make a mistake, and I can apologize.

His behavior since then... over something so very small... has been reprehensible. If he's done with me over that, fine, but be man enough to tell me. Ignoring me is such a juvenile thing to do. He hasn't defriended me, either. He's just... gone silent.
And it's driving me crazy. If he's being an asshole, that's one thing. But there is a part of me that is worried that something else is going on, something outside of SL. What if he's injured? Sick? Had some sort of family tragedy and I'm the cold-hearted bitch who sends him a final IM telling him to go fuck himself when he's dealing with something terrible in RL?

THAT is what's driving me crazy. If I knew what the hell was going on, I could deal with it, for good or for bad.

On a scale of 1-10, my behavior in being pissed that he was inworld and hadn't said anything to me is probably a 3 to 4. I didn't accuse him of doing anything, I didn't get mad and go fuck some other guy, I didn't do anything but apologize for my misconception.
His behavior these past couple of days, though? WAY worse than my little transgression.

Unless something really is wrong.

That's one of the biggest problems with online relationships like this. Because you aren't there in person, there is no way of knowing what is actually happening on the other end of the keyboard. We have nothing to go on EXCEPT assumptions.

I'm angry. My weekend was ruined. I'm disappointed. I'm confused.
He's not the man I thought he was. Damn me and my trusting nature, right?

How long do you give a person who has gone silent before you quit trying to communicate with them and just cut them out? Defriend and all that?

I want to ring his god damned neck.

Wednesday, March 22, 2017

A New Sheriff

Wow... it's been a minute since I posted anything, hasn't it?
I guess there just hasn't been much to post about, at least as far as SL is concerned. Up until just a few days ago, I hadn't been online much in the past month or so. Dad was ill again, and we had a stay in the hospital, and then rehab for a couple of weeks. Between work and being with him, by the time I got home at night logging in was the last thing on my mind.

But he's on the mend now so I'm back.
And, my god, have I been a horny girl! I've been in heat, and the worst part is that I haven't, or hadn't, found a good means to satisfy the cravings for sex. Oh, I had sex. Some of it was good sex, some was even great. But fulfilling? Eh, not so much.
Oh, and the searching! Searching for that lover, that one who would set me on fire and make me come apart! God, that can be exhausting. Jumping from sex club to sex club to sex club, reading profiles, weeding through, sorting, approaching men who were possibilities, discarding, being discarded. It's enough to wear a girl out! Even before there's any fucking!
And that always leads me to going back home, alone, being frustrated and horny and just generally crabby because of it.

So anyway, I'm back.
I'm hiding, though. Why? Oh, it isn't because I don't adore each and every one of you, especially those on my friend's list, but I'm involved in something new, with someone new, and I'm not inclined to try to defend or explain my choices to anyone at the moment.

And I'm spending my time with him, getting to know him, enjoying his company, falling for him. And I know there are lectures in store for me from some people. And some others who are going to be less-than-happy that my pussy is off the market once again.
I'm with T now. Being with him makes me happy, and makes me feel fulfilled. He's very different from my last... many... lovers.

For one thing, he'll fuck me. And that's something I clearly need. Romance is a wonderful thing, but at the end of the night, let's face it - I want to get laid. Often. Orgasms are a huge part of why I'm in SL at all, and without those, there just isn't a good reason to spend my time there.
I've some some lovers over the past few months. Some have been great, but there hasn't been a connection with them on any deeper level, and I think we all know that sex is best when there is a strong connection.

The second thing that sets T apart is who he is. Or what he is. Or a part of him, anyway. I've made no secret of the fact that I have a very submissive side. And that side of me hasn't had any attention in a very long time. Even when I was with my sweet Hugh, it just wasn't his thing and I wasn't going to try to make him be someone he's not.
 T is dominant. No, he hasn't given himself some goofy title like Sir Master Domination or something. He doesn't need to. It's just who he is. He doesn't wear bad biker leather, and doesn't have a list of demands on his profile. He doesn't insist I call him Sir, or Master, or keep me locked in a cage, or any of that goofiness.

As a matter of fact, he hasn't even broached the subject of it all with me... I'm always the one who brings it up because I'm craving his domination so much. He hasn't demanded to be my owner (I give that willingly), he hasn't demanded anything of me. What I give, I give because I want to. Domination is certainly part of who he is, but it isn't all that he is.

It's natural to him... not forced, like so many of the fake doms in SL. And he's also not a closet misogynist, like so many of the fake doms in SL. He loves women, respects them. He respects me. He's proud of the woman I am and doesn't see any need to try to change me, like some have.
There will, eventually, I hope, be a collar around my neck. I will wear it proudly. I'm positively aching to be bound, in every way. My skin is craving the lash of the whip... so far, I've only gotten a few delicious smacks on my ass. But I know more is coming... and I can't wait.

At this point in my life, this is what I want. It is a huge part of what I've needed for a long time. Something I've wanted to explore, but haven't had the right man to explore it with.

I'm cautiously optimistic right now. We all know I've been stung before (see my last blog post) and I'm very well aware that I'm taking a risk again in giving my heart to someone. I'm okay with that. Without risk, there is no reward.

I want to take all the risks. And I want to take them with him.
If nothing else, it should lead to some good filthy blog posts, right? I will be writing much more in depth about this... adventure... as we get into it. Much more about my thoughts, my experiences. I'm positive my brain will get muddled as fuck and I will need to use this space to sort through it all. And I've been given his blessing to do so. He encourages this outlet, and I'm so glad for that. I know I will need it.

But right now... right now, I just need him.












Monday, February 13, 2017

Egg on my Face... Again

The fuck is that?! All over my face?
Oh shit, is that what I think it is?

Again?

Really?
Oh, for fuck's sake, Beth, really?

Look at you, you stupid twat! You'll never fucking learn, will you?
Egg on your face again.

All over your fucking face. Can barely see for all the damn egg.
Oh yes, I did it again.

I fell for the perfect man. All in, 100%.

Again.
Jesus fucking Christ, you moron!

Egg. All over my face.

Because, you see, after a couple utterly blissful days, he dumped me to go back to his ex.
Oh, no, it's not the first time. The conversation was nearly identical. "Beth, I talked to my ex today..."

"I have to give it a chance."

OH BULL FUCKING SHIT. No, you fucking don't. You broke up for a god damn reason, namely being that she CHEATED on you. Are you fucking kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I was warned... friends told me I was moving too fast but did I listen? Nooooooooooooo...

Because I never, ever learn. Because I am insanely, ridiculously ignorant.
This shit is not washing off.

I am clearly tainted. There is just something about me that makes women fucking cling to their exes. "Yes, I'm dumping you... I cheated. Fucked another guy, I did. Fucked him good. Lots of times. I am sooooo done with you! Oh, wait... what's that? You're seeing Beth Macbain? Huh... perhaps I was a bit rash. Let's give it another shot, baby. I'll be good t his time, I swear. I love you."

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother-fucker, tits.

I even asked! I did! "Are there any other women I need to worry about?" The answer? NOPE! He said "Nope!"

"Oh, you mean her? Oh yes, her... well, yes, I've got feelings for her. So you see, when I said 'nope', I really meant 'nope, except for my ex' but I thought you understand that."

Well guess what? I fucking didn't understand that because you didn't fucking say that.
So here I am, again, egg all over my damn face, looking like the utter jackass that I am. Alone again, of course. Because, fuck me, right? I thought he was sincere. I trusted him, god damn it. I gave him my trust, every single bit of it, in spite of the warnings, in spite of everything, I gave him my trust. 

I thought this was it. I thought this was the man who could hold his own against the ghost of Hugh.

I was wrong. Of course I was wrong. Because I'm stupid as hell. 

Hey, at least he didn't fuck me, right?

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day.

I quit.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

He Won't Fuck Me

I met him last night.

It always happens when you least expect it, doesn't it? Or when you've given up looking for it, or even sworn off looking for it?

He wants to know me. ME. He wants to learn who I am, the real me, before tossing me down on the bed.

And the funny thing about it? I'm perfectly okay with that. More than okay, actually. Because he's funny. And a dork. And intelligent. And kind.

He's so very kind.

I first spotted him last night when he landed at the Chamber... me, standing there in nothing but boob-baring lingerie, looking to get laid. I had an eye on my radar and he was fresh meat, as it were, so I cammed in on him. He'd landed on the other side of the hotel and took off at a dead run to reach the boardwalk on the other side.

And slammed right into the doorway. He made me laugh before we'd even said hello. I skimmed his profile and liked what I saw, but I didn't approach him. As a matter of fact, I left.

He IMed me as soon as I landed at home. We chatted, I went back. We chatted some more and he made a couple of adorable blunders. I have such a weakness for dorks, being as I am one myself. 

We ended up back at his place, dancing on his dock. And that was it. Dancing and talking, followed by more dancing and talking this afternoon. 

That thing when you meet someone and it just clicks. It has clicked hard. Talking with him, laughing with him, learning him... it's the most fun I've had in quite a long time. 

The anticipation... waiting to hear from him, waiting for him to login. God, I've missed that! Not to just fuck him... but to be with him. Just him, locked inside our own world of our own making. 

Oh dear. 

Oh wow.

I don't know how long he's going to make me wait before he beds me, and I honestly don't care... as long as he stays with me, and keeps being the man he seems to be, I'm happy.

Oh. My. God.

I'm happy. 

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Playing with the Golden Ratio

First off, let me say that this experiment is in no way scientific or even probably close to being accurate. I'm a hack... I don't even use PhotoShop to edit my pics (I use Pixlr.com).

But I was curious how my new Bento head measured up to the Golden Ratio for the "perfect" face.

I took a series of photos of myself wearing various shapes, then fiddled with the head until I made a shape that was close to fitting the proportions of the Golden Ratio. I used this image as a guide.
I started out with my old system shape that I wore for years until I finally bought my first mesh head.
Okay, that's bad. 

It absolutely amazes me how different the mesh heads look with our old shapes. When they first started kicking around Bento, I assumed (quite wrongly) that we'd be able to slap it on our favorite shape and it'd be perfect. As you can tell from above... just no.

Then I put on the shape I used with my Catwa Alice head.
That's actually closer, but as you can see, the eyes and lips are both too low. 

Oh, by the way, when I overlaid the Golden Ratio, I lined it up with the bottom of my nose... the little triangle area. 

Then I started trying it with the various different versions of shapes I made when fitting the Bento head. I used a combination of shapes... I used the one that came with the head, and I bought two others... one from Strawberry Singh and one from West End, both made especially for Kimberly. 

Because I hit save, instead of save as, I accidentally didn't keep the original of those shapes for me to show you. 

I think this is a version made from the original Catwa shape that came with Kimberly. 
Now that I look at it, I don't think it is. Maybe? I'm just not sure... I could have gotten a redelivery, but I was too lazy. 

This looked way to harsh for me, so I ended up using the one from West End and futzing with it. 
This was getting closer... but still way too harsh looking for me. 

So from this, I took several of the numbers from Berry's shape, mainly the mouth, and made a combination of the two shapes.

And then I changed them all and just kept fiddling until I found something I think I like.
This just barely matches the Golden Ratio anywhere... the nose and lips, maybe, but the head is way too long, the eyes are too high and the face isn't wide enough. 

Then I made the Golden Ratio face, or as close to it as I could get. I used the profile, too, using this image. 
Here is what I ended up with. 
That's pretty close, right? The head is still a bit longer but the eyes, nose and mouth all match up fairly well. 

Here's the profile view. 
This was a lot harder... adjusting it to match this without messing up the frontal view too much. The nose isn't big enough but it's close. This is the same shape in both photos.

I tried the frontal image with hair. 
It definitely looks better with hair, doesn't it?

Up close, I think this looks great. Maybe it doesn't necessarily look like me, but it still looks great. 

From a distance, though... 
It starts to look odd to me. It's too wide and the chin is too small. 

Here it is without the grid on top. 
Nooooooo... not for me. I think it looks like a tan, dark-haired Callista Flockhart. It's all squishy. But it's supposed to be the ideal, right??

Is there an ideal for beauty? Maybe it's the flaws and imperfections that really set us apart. 

This look might be great for someone else, but not for me. I went back to the one I created yesterday. 
This is the same shape from several photos up, with the head that's way too long and the eyes that aren't in the right place. 

But you know what? I like it. It feels more like me than the "perfect" face. 
I think she looks much better, both up close and from a bit of a distance. I think she's softer and more real. 

Maybe it's just me? I don't know. I suppose it's really all subjective and all that matters is what YOU like and what feels good to YOU. 

One final look, side by side. 
That's weird... the "me" photo looks edited... I shot both photos using CalWL with a bright white spotlight on me and didn't edit either of them except for cropping. 

Anyhoo... that was a fun little experiment. If anything, it just confirmed that I like the look I have now.

Perfection is over-rated. 

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