Wednesday, March 30, 2016

Ruined

So... last night.

Yeah.
This guy... and I think it's reached the point where I can call him by his name now... Erick. Erick is amazing.
When we talked for the first time... I mean really talked, not just saying 'hello' in passing, he told me he was going to ruin me.

He didn't lie.
I am so ruined. 
And it's extraordinary.

He gets me. And he's exactly what I've been looking for. I think. So far. It's still new.
But OH MY GOD.  He makes me smile, and laugh, and think, and... oh, yes... orgasm like there are fireworks exploding in my hoo-ha.
I really don't have a lot to say about these photos... I just wanted to have them to relive the night. Because it was one of those nights, the ones you want to remember and revisit and tingle over forever.
He doesn't wear the dominant label like some goofy badge of honor in SL, much like I refuse to label myself as a sub.

Because I'm not, despite what these photos show.
I'm a woman of various sexual appetites. Sometimes I want to be tied up and used like a filthy whore. And sometimes I want to be cherished and have sweet, soft love made to me.
I'm also just as likely to take over myself... not really in a dominant sense but more to show my man how I feel... how I treat him, love him... lust him.
I'll get distracted if his hands are all over me, so if he's not in charge, I can concentrate on showing my devotion... worshiping him. Reveling in him.
Because the men I choose deserve that. Erick certainly does.

But last night, he had all the control... and it was ethereally orgasmic.
He leaves me... no, we leave each other... absolutely obliterated. Unable to talk, unable to focus.

Completely ruined.
I am a lucky woman. I know this. I appreciate all the men who've come into my life because I've learned something from all of them. Every path I've taken, the good and bad, has led me to where I am now.

To the woman I am now.
A woman who's able to give myself... and it doesn't make me feel weak. Quite the opposite, really.

Strong. Empowered. Fierce.

Tender. Treasured. Utterly sublime.
Yes, I'm lucky.

I have a man who's accepting of what I have to offer him.
And I intend to accept everything he has to offer me in return.

Ruined.

Saturday, March 26, 2016

Oh Shit!

That isn't a bad "oh shit". That's a very good, excited one!

Because it's happening.
That thing I've been waiting for... hoping for.

See, there's this guy.
Yeah, him. I spoke of him in one of my last posts.

Well... he's still around. And it doesn't seem like either of us are going to cut and run...

...even though...
Last night, he was with another woman. We aren't even close to that place where we become exclusive, so it's okay. And since the Big Breakup, I've dated several men, none of them exclusively.

And it bothered me not in the slightest when I knew they were with other women.
This guy, though? Oh hell... that little green monster poked her head out and got pouty and petulant. And how did he handle it?

Oh, so perfectly. With warm humor, patience and reassurance. He didn't fuss, or get annoyed, or tell me I was being silly (even though I absolutely was).
You guys... I think we have something special! 

He understands me, and I understand him. We both get the importance of open and honest communication as we're traveling the rapids of a new relationship. He's funny. And intelligent. Liberal! He likes to talk, lots. He thinks I'm the bee's knees and I think he's the best thing since sliced bread. 

Oh my god, you guys... you guys! It's happening!

Monday, March 21, 2016

Berry's Never Have I Ever Challenge

I am SO glad Strawberry Singh is bringing back her Monday Memes! Sometimes it's nearly impossible to come up with a topic to post about and I love the way she offers these memes up!

This week to start the ball rolling again, she's going with the Never Have I Ever challenge... though, seriously, if you know me at all you'll know that there's really very little I've never done.

With that being said...
  1. Never have I ever had sex, in Second Life. No, never. What kind of girl do you think I am? Oh... right... one that has a lot of sex. I think that there are very few people who haven't had sex in SL, even if just once to satisfy the curiosity factor. But me? Yes, I have had sex, and will continue to have sex, in SL. Often. 
  2. Never have I ever visited a sex sim, in Second Life. Yes, many of them. Some from my early days years ago that I can't remember the name of, or are long gone, some that are still thriving. And anytime a new one opens, I do try to pop by to check it out. #NoShame
  3. Never have I ever been an escort or stripper, in Second Life. For about a minute. Several years ago I thought stripping looked like fun and an easy way to make some lindens. I found the classiest joint I could, interviewed, got hired and got to work. Stripping is hard, y'all! Figuring out how to wear the right layers so things could be removed all seductively, keeping up with who was entering the club so I could greet them, coming up with a good emote every time I got tipped and not missing anyone... It was most definitely not fun. It was then I realized that I have no desire to work in SL. Just play, thanks.
  4. Never have I ever been in porn videos in Second Life. With someone else? No. Once upon a time I dated a fella for a few months who was an SL porn star and I toyed with the idea, mainly because the vast majority of SL porn is just absolutely awful. Painfully awful. Embarrassingly awful. And I found the SL porn community to be full of needless goofy ass drama, a lot of back-stabbers and, well... dumb-asses. So, no, I never did that but I did do a couple of masturbation scenes on my own just playing around. I'd like to do more of it, but again... too much work. Making it look good is more effort than I want to expend. Photography is enough for now. Never say never, though!
  5. Never have I ever done things that may be illegal in the real world, in Second Life. Oddly enough, I really don't think I have, unless maybe you count countries ruled by Sharia law. I don't do drugs in RL and never saw the appeal of doing fake drugs in SL, mainly because I have a pretty low opinion of illegal drug users. I understand addiction, and it's ugly. I don't see the sense of glorifying it in SL. Maybe I've flown a helicopter without a license? 
  6. Never have I ever created an ALT for secret activities, in Second Life. Well, Beth Macbain is technically an alt. When I started SL, I didn't think I wanted to be me so I made Allie Renard. After a few months, I just didn't feel comfortable being her and started fresh as Beth Macbain. Then there was that ugly incident a couple of years ago when I created that stupid ass alt so I could cheat on my partner. I lasted less than a week, I think, and was horrible at lying and felt so damn guilty that I came clean. Probably the stupidest thing I've done in Second Life and I'm still ashamed of it. 
  7. Never have I ever had a one night stand, in Second Life. I have. Not all that many because I really am choosy and usually know before the first time I have sex with a man that I'm going to want a second night. Not always, though... I've had a few and none of them were fulfilling. I really prefer to have some sort of a connection, to at least like the man. 
  8. Never have I ever been part of a roleplay community, in Second Life. Briefly, and I sucked at it. A couple of years after I started being Beth Macbain, I fell for a guy. That guy turned out to be a girl role-playing as a guy. I don't know what was going through my head, because for some reason, I thought I should try RP. So I resurrected Allie Renard as a role-player and joined... hell, I don't even remember what community it was. I didn't enjoy it, was pissed that I'd been played by a woman pretending to be a man, angry at all my friends who knew and didn't tell me, and I packed up my shit and left SL for a year or so. So, yeah, role-playing didn't really work out for me. 
  9. Never have I ever discovered a new fetish, because of Second Life. No, I don't think I have. At my age, most of my kinks are already pretty well established. SL has certainly given me a chance to explore some of them more in-depth than I've been able to in real life, but the kinks were already there. 
  10. Never have I ever done things in Second Life that I wouldn’t admit to my friends or family. Yeah, I don't really advertise to my friends and family that I'm a sexual goddess in Second Life. Friends and family know I love SL and spend a lot of time here, they knew about my two year relationship, and they know I'm a photographer and blogger. They do not know my SL name, about this blog, or my Flickr or about the fact that my sex toy/furniture folder is second only in size to my lingerie folder. It's not that I'm ashamed of it... it's just an odd topic of conversation to bring up in real life conversations. And I protect my identity because my job would most definitely frown on my Second Life in all its glory. 
So there you have it... Never Have I Ever. 

Happy Monday, lovelies!

Sunday, March 20, 2016

Awakenings

First off, I need to clear up a little misconception after my last post.

I am most decidedly not wallowing in angst still over Hugh. It was a day... a day that was full of memories and, yes, I allowed myself to mourn a bit.

But I have moved on. It was a beautiful time in my life and he's always going to be loved by me. But I have moved on.
In moving on, I've learned some things. Some I've discussed to death... but some things are just now becoming clear to me.

I've been so damn determined that I wasn't going to replace Hugh that I lost sight of something.
I was determined that in order to not replace Hugh, I had to find someone very different from him. I purposely avoided entanglements with men who reminded me of him in any way.

How silly of me.
Those things I avoided, the traits and characteristics, even looks I associated with Hugh aren't things that were unique to him. They weren't things I was attracted to because Hugh possessed them.

They're things that I find attractive in anyone with those qualities. And by trying to avoid them, I was setting myself up to fail every single time.
Hell, I had flings with a couple of republicans. REPUBLICANS.

Let's face it... I may find a republican physically attractive, but I will never be able to have a relationship with one. Especially not in this election year when it's starting to become real that Trump is going to be their nominee.

Seriously, republicans... what the every-loving fuck?

Anyway, I could devote an entire post to my disgust at that, but that's not what this is about.
I don't like 'em. Never will. Don't know why I thought I could possibly date one.

That goes for other things, too. Things that I find attractive, things I don't. Personalities, sense of humor, personal convictions, intelligence.

These are all important things.
Why on earth did I ever think I could have a relationship with anyone who's beliefs are so diametrically opposed to mind?

I can't. And trying to avoid men who are similarly aligned to me was goofy as fuck.
So that's something that became clear to me last night.

Why? Because of this man I met.

Ohhh... I like him. I like him a lot. And yeah, I'm well aware I've said that a lot these last few months, but... and I may end up with egg on my face for saying this... there is just something there.
As we started talking over the past week or so, I've had several of those "oh... there he is" moments and they've taken me aback. It's familiar to me. It seems like we've known each other far longer than we have.

Oh dear.
I so hope I'm not getting ahead of myself. I'm trying to be calm and just let things happen as they come. But I'm not going to fight it, either. Because he does possess those qualities.

They are not Hugh qualities... they are the qualities of, well.. hmm... me, actually.

They're the characteristics and traits in myself that my id seeks in others.
Yeah, there's this guy.

And I smile when I think of him.

I get wet, too, and we all know how important that is to me.
Happy and aroused.

Who would fight against that?! Not me.

Lest you think I'm about to replicate something... this man has some other traits and characteristics that are new to me. Parts of his personality that are waking up some things inside me that have been mostly dormant for a few years.
And that's ridiculously exciting. Something inside me is waking up from being in hibernation.

And it's making me feel glorious. Something that has just been throbbing, aching beneath the surface is coming to life.
I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I'm excited for it. My entire self is quivering in anticipation. 

I feel... awakened. 

Wednesday, March 16, 2016

Bittersweet

Today marks a very bittersweet day for me... it's the three month anniversary of my last communication with Hugh. Our official breakup.

And it hurts.
God, I loved that man. Love that man. That certainly hasn't changed even the tiniest bit over the past three months. I love him. So damn much. Still.

Always.

Sometimes I wish that instead of things ending the way they did, that we had gotten sick of each other. That we had a terrible fight. That we ended up hating each other.

But that's not what happened. We ended still loving each other deeply.

I have no reason to not still love him today as I did yesterday, and a year ago, and the year before that. He's an incredible man, my Hugh. Kind... so damn kind. Intelligent. Bitingly, wonderfully funny. Handsome as hell. And he got me in a way no man ever has... hell, no human, period. Hugh knows me. The good, the bad, the ugly... and he loved me because of it, in spite of it.
These days, it mostly doesn't hurt any longer. My thoughts of him are all smiles. And that's the bloody damn truth- I can't think of the man without a smile. His smile... the one that was only for him.

I remember all the laughter, all the love. The goofiness, the dorkiness, the sexiness. The long talks about nothing. Everything we shared.

I still can't look at our pictures or read our emails. That's... I'm just not ready for that. I hope someday I will be, but not yet. Every once in a while I stumble upon something by accident. A photo of the two of us together... It's like a punch in the gut.

But mostly, it's all smiles.
It kills me to have no contact with him. I've sent a few emails on special dates, short little blurbs, or a photo of something I know he'd like. Never a word back from him. I have no idea if he even still checks that email account. His last email told me he'd never contact me again, and it seems he truly meant it.

And that bothers me. I don't know how he is. If he's well, happy, loved. I know he's alive because I can see some things on social media, but none of that tells me how he is. That's hard. After two years of knowing all, then nothing.
I miss my friend. I miss him so much. Late at night, lying in my bed, thinking, wishing his arms were around me, holding me safe. I miss that constant awareness of his presence in my life. God, I miss just talking to him. About the weather, about politics, about all the nerdy, geeky stuff we loved. I miss having him as my sounding board, my voice of reason, my anchor.

I miss everything.
My Person. My Pooh Bear. Mine. His big goofy smile. There are a million things, a billion.

And most days it's completely bearable. The smile is there. But then there are days like today... the days when all I remember is the hole that's been left in my world without him. Tomorrow will be better, but today... Today I just miss him. And it hurts.

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