Saturday, December 10, 2016

Current Status: Homeless & Heartbroken

So where is Beth Macbain these days, huh?
This is what happens when I get on my computer. Makes being in SL difficult... lol.
Well, first off, I'm currently Second Life homeless. I let my tier lapse, which is fine. I wasn't crazy about that little slice of land anyway, and with the new prim allowances, it's time to move. A new place will be good. All new. So when I make my way back inworld for any amount of time, I guess I'll be shopping for new land and a new home to go with it.

Heartbroken. God, I miss Hugh. I love that man. He's the one, will always be the one. Beth Macbain without Hugh Person is... incomplete. I don't know how to change that. I don't know if I want to change that. The pain comes and goes... it's always just sort of an ache that's there, but lately it's been acute. Maybe it's the time of year, I don't know. We're coming up on the year anniversary of the last time I heard from him, and also coming up on what would have been our three year anniversary.

In the life of Beth Macbain, there is a huge Hugh-shaped hole. Sometimes it's right in front of me, sometimes I only see it in my peripheral vision, but it's always there. I've tried to move on over the last year, but nothing has worked. I fucked my way through SL, even got partnered a couple of times for a minute. The first time was to my darling Neo whose only real crime was not being Hugh. The second time, the most recent, was to Michael the man-child, the complete antithesis of everything that was good about Hugh.

In between, there were lovers galore. Some names I remember, some I've forgotten. Some faded away, some ended in flames. None devastated me - they weren't Hugh. I've just come to realize that what I had with him was a once in a lifetime thing. I'll never feel that way with anyone else, never feel that loved, that complete, that cherished. That appreciated. That understood.

I miss him. Did I mention that I miss him?

I had reason this week to try to reach out to him. Someone inworld needed something from him... needed him to make them an admin of a Flickr group that he moderated and, of course, abandoned when he left. So I sucked it up and sent him an email and heard nothing.

Until yesterday, that is, when the person let me know that he'd made the change and sent her a Flickr mail letting her know he'd done it. There was a brief message for me, too, but not sent directly to me.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it's the first thing I've heard in a year so I rejoice in that. On the other hand, he didn't answer my email even to let me know it had been received, and that stings like a bitch. On the third hand (it's Second Life - I can have as many hands as I want), not contacting me directly is just further proof of his integrity and all the other things that made me fall in love with him in the first place. He made a promise to his real life, and he's kept that promise.

I wish he didn't have so much integrity.

That's petty and selfish of me. I wish he wasn't such a good man so I could still be a part of his world.

I miss everything about him. I miss the patience he showed me, the advice he gave me. I miss his comforting presence - as long as Hugh was in my world, everything was okay. Even at the darkest times, like when my father tried to kill himself and when my brother died, I still had the steady hand of Hugh. I could feel him - his presence was palpable. It didn't matter if I was online or offline, he was still there. Always had my back. Always holding my hand. Always lifting me up. Always confident and steadfast in his support of me.

What a guy, huh? The best. The very, very best. There is no other.

And I know that Hugh was a compilation of all the very best traits of the real life man behind the avatar. We all do that, don't we? Make our SL selves our best selves? But I knew then, as I know now, that those best traits were the real man. Maybe even the man he wished he could be in the real world.

But we can't quite be that in the real world, can we? There are promises and oaths and obligations and jobs and bills and family and a myriad of other outside influences we simply can't ignore to be the person we really want to be.

I still love him just as much as I did a year ago, two years ago, if not more. And I believe that he still loves me, too. Every rainbow, every sunset, every dream... he's there and that warmth that was his presence still reaches out to me. I hope that wherever he is, he feels it, too, in return a billion-fold from me.

So where does that leave me, and Second Life? I still don't know. I miss a lot of things. And I sort of feel an obligation to continue to be a part of, and support, SL. If we all leave, SL will go away. And that would be unbearable, even though I'm not really a part of it right now. It's where Hugh and Beth lived their story - it's our Hundred Acre Wood. How can I leave that behind, even if I'm just living in it as a ghost of who I was when I was with Hugh?

I want to come back to SL. I really do. There is so much about it I miss. But every time I start to login, I just think "Meh... maybe tomorrow." There's always a counter to be cleaned, hair to be washed, Netflix to binge on, arts and crafts projects I've started working on... oh, and my new kitten. Sophie makes being on the computer very difficult because she likes to attack the pointer. And it's too damn cute to get mad at her about. She's attacking my toes right now as I sit here.

See, though I know I sound maudlin as fuck right now, I'm really not. Life is going pretty well for me right now (knock on wood). I'm even enjoying the holiday season and I typically despise Christmas. I'm still angry about this whole Trump presidency bullshit, but I'm also enjoying his supporters looking all gobsmacked as they realize he played them for fools.

I've started cross-stitching again, something I stopped doing probably 20 years ago. I've started making my own bath and beauty products, and cleaning products. I used to be a great baker - I've started baking again, too. All sorts of things I never had time for when I was spending all my free time on SL.

I miss having orgasms in SL, though. Not relationships... not again, at least not right now. I love Hugh too much to even consider it. Sex, though. I can do that and not feel bad about it. Orgasms are necessary for a healthy existence. It's fun to log in and get all sexified and pick up some guy and get crazy for a couple of hours. But that's all I can give right now.

All I want, all I have time for. I'd rather spend my spare dollars on new essential oils and recipes and threads that on virtual clothes and rent right now.

And Second Life without Hugh is just no Second Life at all for me. I had a fulfilling SL before Hugh. I don't remember how I did that now. I guess we all have to leave SL eventually, right? Is it my time to do that? I don't want it to be but I just don't know what to do with myself there now. It wasn't so very long ago that SL Beth and RL Beth were mostly one and the same. Not so much anymore.

So I guess this all means I'm still stuck in limbo.

Time to go back to binge-watching Quantum Leap on Netflix.

"Oh boy."

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Stop. Reset. Breathe.

I'm now being instructed to stop being mean on my blog.
Am I being mean? I dunno, maybe? In my eyes, I'm being truthful about how I view what's happening, and what has happened, in my world over the past few months.

There's a big part of me that wants to just say, hey, don't behave like an ass if you don't want to be called an ass. I haven't touched upon a tenth of the insanity that has been my Second Life in 2016. Also, anyone who knows me, or gets involved with me, knows I have this blog and that I don't just post pretty pictures. I use it as my journal and I've been using it that way for years.

And sometimes people don't like what they read.

And sometimes I don't like the way I've been treated.

So who's interests do I look out for? Mine or anyone else's?

Having a blog that is more than what I'm wearing today is a slippery slope. That's a lesson I learned years ago and I've been weighing the pros and cons of being an open book all along. I've lost friends because of things I've posted, but I've gained many others. I've edited posts, removed posts, added them back, some have stayed hidden away.

Honesty isn't always pretty. And every story has at least two sides and they're often diametrically different. But this isn't anyone else's blog but mine. My stories. My words. My experiences. My thoughts.

And no, no one gets to tell me what I can or cannot say.

People are certainly free to give their opinions, even their sides of the story if they want, but no one gets to censor me. One of the greatest things I've been told about this blog, time and time again, is that others wish they could be as open and honest as I am with my thoughts and feelings, my experiences.

I know that for every person that tells me that, there is someone else wishing they could shove a gag down my throat and shut me up. I know there is always another person out there that views what I've said in a different light, from their viewpoint.

This blog was no different when I was with Hugh. I posted things a few times that I know damn good and well he didn't really like, or that he wished I hadn't posted. You know how he handled it? With support, always. I would ask him about things and he never failed to tell me that he loved how I expressed myself and would never in a million years ask me to hold anything back ever. He loved the insight my blog gave him into me, good or bad. Because he understood me, and loved me, and he supported me always 100%. He wanted to know what was going on in my head.

He was really something special, you know? It's been almost a year now since he left Second Life, and my life, and he's still the Incomparable Hugh.

Perhaps I should have left SL when he did. It's certainly not been the same without him. Yes, there have been good times since then, but mostly I think I've just been chasing the dragon. I try and try and try, but it'll never be as good as my time was with him.

No one is ever going to live up to the standard he set. He left some big damn shoes to fill and I'll never settle for anything less than what I had with him.

I've tried not to compare every man I've met to him, but I'm not sure that's possible. Oh, I don't think that there is just one ideal person out there for me, or for anyone, but losing him was like the death of a spouse. We didn't have a falling out and break up because we weren't working anymore. One day he was there, the next he was gone through circumstances beyond our control, much like if he had been killed in a crazy accident that no one saw coming.

And I mourn for him. It still hurts sometimes, and I don't think of  him every day, but when I do, it's memories of just how good it was. How good a man he was. Even when things came up that frustrated either one of us, we worked through it together. There was nothing I could say to him that he didn't want to hear, that he wasn't open to listening to. That he took seriously and did everything in his power to see from my point of view. And when he was right, and I was wrong, he was so... gentle... in letting me figure it out for myself while he sat there, bemused, listening to me rant until I talked it all through and finally went, "oh shit,  you're right!" and then he would laugh and hug me and love me. And when he was wrong, he had the most beautiful ways of saying, "You are right. I never thought of it that way and I see how this made you feel."

God, I miss him.

What was this post about? Oh yeah, censoring myself.

No, I don't think I will. When I find myself not being able to say what I want to say, when I want to say it, that's when I'll just shut this down.

Is that time now? Maybe.

If the fact is that every SL relationship I have is going to be lacking because they aren't Hugh and can't live up to the bar he raised, maybe it is time to stop. It's not fair to any man I meet to go into it knowing that they aren't going to meet the standard he set.

Maybe they are a jackass... or maybe they're just not Hugh. Maybe I'm still too in love with Hugh to be able to see the difference and maybe it just isn't fair to speak on any of it since my view of what a relationship should be is modeled after the only two perfect relationships I've ever seen - my parents and my relationship with Hugh.

I don't know. And maybe until I figure that out it's best for me to just not post anything relationship related, even though I can't imagine even starting anything with anyone right now.

I just don't know.

Or maybe there are times when it's okay to just delete. To hit the reset button. To just be able to go, "huh... that was a mistake" and erase it all. To say, "that period of time... let's just move past it and pretend it wasn't there."

Wow... okay, I just did that. I purged my Flickr and I purged this blog.

That was kind of cathartic.

I took a wrong turn somewhere back around... May, maybe? And it sent me off into this weird vortex of behavior that never really felt comfortable to me.

It's silly to think I can just delete the past, right? Pretend it didn't happen? But why not?

Oh, I know it all still happened, but I don't have to be faced with it every day. I don't want to see the reminders of a time I wasn't happy and made some big mistakes all the time.

Okay. That never happened. BOOM.

Can I start over now? I know it isn't that easy. I can delete photos and blog posts but I can't delete that time or the memories.

Or the lessons I've learned. I got twisted up in all sorts of ways, and it's time to unfurl myself now. Alone, on my terms.

I'm hitting the reset button and putting the summer of 2016 behind me. It's there in the rear view mirror, but it's getting more distant with every passing mile.

Every passing smile.

Stop. Reset. Breathe.

How Am I?

How am I?

That's a question I've recently been asked a couple of times, so let me tell you. Or try to, anyway.
First off, I think that question depends on who you're asking... SL Beth or RL Beth.

The answer is very different for both. Really, for the first time since I joined SL as Beth Macbain and decided I was going to blend my worlds.
Let's deal with RL Beth first. I'm great!

I've recently made some changes in my real life, all for the good, thankfully. I'm not going to go into details, but I've taken care of some things that I let slide for a variety of reasons. There were some things I let get out of control, and I've taken them all back now and it's all firmly in hand.

So that's good.

All is well in Beth's real world and I'm feeling... energized.
But when it comes to SL Beth, it's a different story.

I'm angry.
Why? Because I can't seem to get back to the stuff that made me love SL so much. I got taken in by a con and I'm furious I fell for it. And did so much damage in the process that I'm being told that I've finally reaped what I've sown.

It's tainted my experience in this world that I love.
And I'm mad about that. And anger isn't an emotion I enjoy. It's exhausting and annoying. And absolutely pointless. I'm furious that my escape from RL has been sullied by a really shitty experience.

I want to shrug that off and I just can't seem to do it. Oh, it's not that I'm still hung up on or even spending much time at all thinking about him.
It's just that I log in now and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go to find the good guys, or even if I want to. Go dancing, go to a beach, go shopping... I don't know. Join an SL dating service??

Being alone isn't much fun. It's okay for playing adult barbie with myself or taking photos, but beyond that, meh. I could rip down my house and rebuild and redecorate, but... meh.

And I hate this feeling of Second Life ennui.

I love Second Life. I love the beauty of it, the uniqueness of it, the amazing people I've encountered over the years. I've seen kindness, experienced deep love, heard beautiful music, seen incredible art... Second Life is like nothing else. And I miss it, tremendously.
Maybe my... disinterest.. in SL has something to do with the changes in my real world. Things are kind of cool when you shut off the computer for a while. I don't know. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions. There is a big part of me that doesn't want to let go of this Second Life world I've belonged to for so long. And there's another part that thinks this is just the natural evolution of things. Second Life can't be forever, right?

But am I ready to shut the door on it? I still don't know.
I just don't know. I know I'd love to erase the last several months of SL. Not just the guy, but the behavior just before him, too. I think I'd like to roll it back to around the time I decided to open the club and just... not. Just go a different direction. Stay the woman I was when I was with Hugh. That was definitely my best me and I let myself get... cold, maybe? I've been called a narcissist twice recently... a narcissistic cunt, to be exact. That's certainly not an attribute I've ever attributed to myself, but maybe I became one and didn't even realize it?

Might need to do a bit more soul-searching on that front, but not tonight. I think it's time to step back into the real world again.

Tuesday, October 25, 2016

A Break?

I think it's time for me to maybe take an extended break from Second Life.
As you know, I got partnered. And last week, I got unpartnered. Without going into the specifics, it's really tainted my SL experience.

I had the best guy. The nicest guy. The kindest, smartest, sweetest man in all the world. I had him for two glorious years and it was so perfectly blissful.

I'm talking about Hugh, of course.
And ever since that ended, I've been searching to fill the gap left behind when he had to leave. I thought I found the guy. I was wrong. I found a mean, selfish, manipulative, abusive, narcissistic buffoon. Mind you, he'd say the same thing about me.


It was a bad experience.

It left such a rotten taste in my mouth that it's cast a big dark cloud over the place I used to go to find my escape from the real world for a little while. I've realized that now the real world is my escape from SL. I don't want to log in, and when I do, I just end up disappointed and bored with what I find.

And that's on me, not SL. I just don't have the energy or desire to go out looking for fun people or fun things. Hell, I don't even want to have sex with anyone. Shopping, meh. Photography, meh. Decorating, meh. Dancing, meh. Blogging, meh.
Oh, and there's also the joy of finding out people I considered friends are trading photos of me in flagrante delicto. Okay, it was just one person and it was to the schmuck I was partnered to and the photos in question were no different than any other photos I've ever taken and posted here or on Flickr. But, boy howdy, did my partner love to slut shame me over my previous sexual activities.

And that was while we were together. I can only imagine what he's saying now. By the way, ladies, did you know there is absolutely no such thing as being sex positive? You like sex? And you've had more than one partner in your life? You slut. I was frequently reminded what a slut I've been. Yes, he had quite the Madonna-whore complex.

Sorry, I got bitter there for a minute.
Anyway, so rather than force it, I'm just going to lay low for a bit, I think. If I want to log in, I will. And if I don't, I won't.

I don't want to leave Second Life. It's been a big part of my life for a long time, but for right now, that blossom has withered.

I hope it springs back to life.

Thursday, October 20, 2016

Yeah, so...

I had another post written to go here, but I deleted it. I just needed to write it for myself but it wasn't really anything that needed to be shared with the world.

Anyway, yeah, I'm single again.
 C'est la vie, right?

Not gonna beat myself up about it, not this time.
I'm just gonna hang out by myself for a while, I think. Not really ready to get back up on the horse just quite yet. I'll be keeping myself content playing adult Barbie with my avatar and taking photos. Maybe revisit some blog drafts that I never finished. Who knows?
That's kind of what happens when you have a breakup in SL, isn't it? That sort of aimless period just wandering around wondering what comes next.

I know I don't have the energy to really talk to anyone, and I certainly don't have the energy, or desire, to fuck anyone. My libido is in the shitter. I'm sure that won't last, though. It never lasts.
I know this sounds all sorts of melancholy and stuff, but I'm really not. I'm just feeling sort of meh about Second Life right now.

I was in a relationship that didn't work for me and walked away. It's sad, yes, but I'm not sad. It was what was best for me, what was healthy for me.
I didn't really like the person I was becoming. I like who I was before, who I am. I think I'm pretty fabulous. It won't be long before I'm ready to share all that wonderfulness with someone again.

But not today, and probably not tomorrow.
Maybe I'll go shopping. Or find a new hobby. Maybe I'll just be me for a while. 

And that's enough.

Sunday, October 2, 2016

So About That Wedding...

Been promising this post for a while, but life has been busy, y'all!
You see, about two months ago I met this guy. Michael. That's him in these pictures.

We took quite a shine to each other. At first, it was because he likes to do this... 
A lot.

I mean, seriously, I've never met a man who loves doing this so much. And he does it extremely well, too. 
We met and there were sparks and flames and fireworks and orgasms...  
Dude is talented. 

And he has this massive cock (it was in our marriage vows that I have to mention that in every post). 

A funny thing happened, though. The more time we spent together, the more we clicked. The more we laughed, and the more we shared. We did goofy things like visiting the land of giantesses, or mud-wresting. We spent hours and hours just talking. Or saying very little as we curled up to watch a movie together. We became best friends as well as lovers.

We fell in love.

And, as it does, the topic of partnering came up. Yeah, okay, I brought it up.

We determined that neither of us were opposed to the idea but decided to sit on it for a few days... a week, and then revisit.
Yes, these are our engagement photos. 

And no, he wasn't really spanking me at the time. If you're going to have a serious talk, you might as well do it in a goofy pose, right?
And that's how we became engaged. "Do you think we should?" "Yeah, I think we should."

It was all incredibly romantic!

And it was perfectly us.

Discussions were about about the when, the where, the guests, the etc., etc., so on and so forth. I didn't want to do the big wedding thing. I just wanted it to be the two of us. 
We didn't set a date. It was just something we were going to do sometime. It was a Sunday night, we were both tired and getting ready to start a new week and we went to bed.

I went to work the next day... a Monday... and came home tired and grouchy. I logged in and... HOLY SHIT!

He was ready to get hitched. RIGHT THEN. I literally had about 10 minutes to get ready for my wedding.
And snap a couple photos, of course, because I'm me. Luckily, I had a beautiful white gown (stop laughing... to quote Annie Savoy, "Honey, we all deserve to wear white.") that I hadn't had a chance to wear yet. And I had a bouquet. 
And, most importantly, I had a groom. 

During the course of the day, my sweetie had built... magic. An incredible setting for just the two of us. 

He gave me the moon and stars. Literally. 
We danced... he'd picked a song for me. I'm keeping it to myself... some things are so special that you don't want to share them. 

It's a beautiful song, and we danced. It was such a perfect, romantic, extraordinary setting for our wedding. It was magical. He gave me my rings, and we put them on. The partnership request came, and was accepted. My name was changed. 

And we were married. 
And then, because we're us, shit got goofy. We spent far too much time taking photos that neither of us were really happy with, but we had to capture the moment. And when you have two photographers both trying to capture the moment, 10 minutes turns into 20, turns into an hour, then two. RL interruptions. Phone calls, potty breaks... oh, maybe some dinner... 

I twerked for my new husband.
We laughed. Adjusted our rings, danced a little more. Laughed a little more. Finally, we went home to consummate our marriage.

And by "consummate", I mean snuggle for a few minutes and then go to bed. That's right, ladies and jellybeans, we did not have sex on our wedding night. 

The next night, though... humina humina

We consummated the hell out of it. I dug into my trousseau, found some scandalous white bridal lingerie and we consummated each other SO GOOD. And I took not a single photo of that night... lol!

So here we are, Mr. and Mrs. Overland. We're at the beginning of a magical fun journey... and I'm looking forward to every single second of it with this funny, sweet, complicated, intelligent, dorky, suave, handsome, goofy man of mine. 

Saturday, October 1, 2016

Mistakes... I've Made A Few

Disclaimer: This is a tale told from my perspective. I don't know what is in another person's head. I may well be imagining all of this trouble and this person has already forgotten who I am. All I know is how I'm feeling, how I'm reading the signs I've been shown. I may well just be paranoid. I don't know. It's entirely possible that my perspective is skewed and wrong. And that, in and of itself, is unsettling to me. 

This is also the first time I've really stopped... paused... before hitting the publish button on a post because I'm afraid of the repercussions. But... if I don't hit that button, I'm not being true to myself. This blog has always been my means of working through things in my head, and as I read over this, as you read over this, I'm sure you will see, as have I, how I've sorted the mess in my head, right down to writing this disclaimer. 

This is my blog and I won't be intimidated into not using it as I see fit. 
Mistakes. Oh, I have made them... Millions, amirite?

But seriously, yes, I'm a flawed human being and I've fucked up on occasion.

Haven't you?

But I recently made a big one.. a BIG one.

One I'm paying for dearly.

And I have to tell you... I"m getting pretty fucking sick of paying for it.
Now, before I go any further, I should tell you unequivocally, my mistake is not Michael.

No, he's wonderful. And I can't tell you how much I love being Mrs. Overland. I'm sure I'll try in a future blog post because I'm verbose like that, but this one is about mistakes, or one particular mistake.

Michael is most definitely not a mistake.
But before Michael, there was someone else. A man I had a brief, yet intense, liaison with. As these things do, it burned hot, then died out quickly.

At least, for me it did. Granted, I met Michael towards the end of this affair, but I was already seeing red flags that were pulling me back to reality. It would have ended even if Michael hadn't come into my life.

But meeting, and falling, for Michael gave me a good out, right? Rather than saying, "Hey, dude, you're starting to give me the creeps and none of your stories ring true, and I need you to just go away," I told him that I'd met someone and was going all in with him. That was the truth, but it wasn't the entire truth.

I thought it was the kinder truth.
I can be nice to a fault, and this is one of those instances where trying to be nice bit me on the ass. I was way too nice, tried way too hard to placate him and try not to hurt his feelings... Firstly, because I despise hurting anyone, but secondly because I just didn't want the potential drama that was positively dripping from the situation.

I let him think that he had a chance for a threesome with me and Michael knowing full well that wasn't going to happen. I even invited him and his partner over to meet us, to see if there were any sparks - there weren't. Not only weren't there any sparks, Michael took an immediate visceral dislike to him.

He instantly saw what I was trying to pretend wasn't there - someone who is manipulative, who is a liar, and who is most certainly not to be trusted. He saw the red flags within seconds that it  had taken me a couple weeks to see.
Some days later, Michael had the occasion to speak alone with this guy and it just further cemented his dislike. And he also found out that I'd told him a lie, one that I thought was harmless at the time, but wasn't so harmless to the man I loved and had lied to.

It caused quite the row between us.

An immediate decision was made, by me, to cut this person from my life. In talking about the conversation they'd had, I realized just how he'd twisted things in his mind to fit a narrative he wanted - a reality that simply didn't exist. Words attributed to me that I hadn't said. My first instinct had been to confront him, then cut him out. But that road leads to drama, right? Michael and I made the decision that my best course of action would be to simply ignore him.
As you can imagine, that went over like a ton of lead. The messages started coming in... then faded away. He was still on my friend list and after a couple of weeks I thought it was safe to unfriend him. This just started a new round of messages, none of which I answered. I'd moved on. My last recourse was to block him. On SL, on Flickr, on email, chat... everywhere I could think of.

I thought that was the end of it.
Silly me.

For some reason, it seems that he's fixated on me. I have no idea why. Our fling was short-lived. Intense, yes, but short.

I found out his partnership ended, in part because of his fixation on me. He posted an old photo he'd taken of me on his Flickr. And then the suspicious alts started showing up.

Oh, I don't really know if they're him or not... Our party house is open to the public and we share the landmark quite freely. We're used to strangers dropping in, but the timing was odd... the fact that these alts didn't actually speak, just showed up and stood around. The profile similarities.

Maybe we're being paranoid, maybe not. I don't know. But it started to take a toll on my relationship with Michael. He was, is, angry that I ever invited this guy to our house... to HIS house. That we now have to be suspicious of every new visitor. That we might have to pack up and move, to leave the place he'd had for years, spent hours and hours and hours working on.
I understand his exasperation. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that, but I really should have seen the instability in this guy. Maybe I did see it and chose to ignore it because it was good sex and a fun fantasy for a couple of weeks.

And now we're both paying the price for my terrible choice in former lovers.

No lie, this guy scares me a bit. It's really the first time in my SL that I feel like I became involved with someone who's just not all that... sane. And I absolutely should have seen it, or not ignored that voice in my head telling me to beware. I know the signs. I know those phrases people use when they're manipulating someone. I know the signs when someone isn't quite being truthful, or is hiding things. But I let my desire for some orgasms get in the way of my good sense. Of my instinctual gut feelings.
And now I'm constantly looking over my shoulder. I'm trying to forge ahead in this magnificent relationship I'm in that's still new and fragile. I'm trying to assure my love, my partner, my best friend, my husband that this person can't touch us, but I'm unsure myself. I'm unsettled by a loose cannon that I can't predict isn't going to let loose with a barrage of ammunition aimed at my head, or even worse, Michael's head.

Let this be a cautionary tale, my friends. Trust your gut. Your instincts are probably not wrong. There are people that are not to be trusted. People who's elevators don't reach the top floor, and who don't like being told they can't have what they want.

I may have bungled the situation. I played with fire and I've got some third degree burns now. That's on me. I accept responsibility for letting this person in my life in the first place, and yes, for letting him into Michael's life, too. That is all on me.

But... having said that, just as I'm responsible for my handling of my situation and my reactions, this person is responsible for his, too. I'm positive he blames me for all sorts of sins, of how I wronged him, mislead him, etc., etc., so on and so forth.
And you know what? Tough shit. There are choices and decisions we make in our lives that adversely affect others... not out of spite or anger or meanness, but just because those choices are what's best for us and sometimes we have to put ourselves first. I did that, and maybe I didn't do it in the best of ways, but so be it. I'm not responsible for how anyone else chooses to deal with my actions and choices. That's on them, not me.

People have hurt me before. People have made decisions I didn't like. People have left me behind.

And you know what? I pulled up my big girl panties and moved forward. Because that's what rational, sane adults do.

And that's how men, and some women, justify their abusive behavior and that's a bit of what I'm dealing with right now. "You made me hit you." "I'm disappointed in you." They want you to believe that you're always to blame.

I'm not having it. I'm not going to continue to pay for this mistake. I will do whatever it takes to protect myself, and my loved ones. My love. I'm not weak and I won't be guilted into... anything. For anyone.

So to this person... because I know damn good and well you're reading this... No. Just no. You cannot, you will not, be a part of my life. I will never return to you. Leave me alone. Leave Michael alone. Delete the landmarks, the pictures, the memories, the whatever. Move forward... move away from me. I am not a possession to be won or owned. You will not make me change who I am, what I do, where I do it, who I do it with. You have no say in who I talk to, most especially to you. I will not be forced to deal with you. Because this is it. My final words on the subject. Not only are you dead to me, you never existed. You are erased.

End of story.

End. Of. Story.

Friday, September 16, 2016

Birthdays Blow

Edit: My birthday suckage had nothing to do with my guy. I stayed up after I sent him to bed and wrote this post instead of asking him to stay online with me and have our alone time. It wasn't his fault that we were interrupted several times and that I didn't say, hey, let's go someplace where we can be alone. I was in a low place feeling sorry for myself... and that was my decision to call it a night, not his. It certainly wasn't his fault that I was in a bad place because of my kitty and my dad. 

Note: This is a pity post. Read no further unless you want to read about me feeling sorry for myself.

Birthdays are just a disappointment.

I know this... hell, I've had 47 of them now... yet I still always sort of expect, or hope, something special will happen.
It never does. That's just not the way the world works. Things don't stop, people don't suddenly start paying attention, just because it's the anniversary of the day my mom pushed me out of her uterus.

Oh, I have a few nice birthday memories. One of my brothers made a scavenger hunt for me on my 10th birthday. And then there was...

Okay, that's really it. They've all been pretty downhill since then.
This has been a tough week, you guys.

It started really going to hell last Thursday. I had to put my sweet kitty to sleep. It was hell, pure hell. That girl had been by my side for the last 16 years and putting her down, even though I knew it was the right thing to do, was utterly and completely heart-breaking.

It's still, a week later, absolutely devastating to me.
And her little brother isn't taking it well, either. He won't come out of hiding. I have to take his food to him wherever he's tucked away. And when I do drag him out, he has to be right on top of me, touching me, like he's afraid if he doesn't, I'll disappear, too.

It's killing me to see him so upset.
My dude and I had a couple of spats. My nerves have been raw and I blew up at him. He got mad at me about something else. That's never fun. I don't fight well. Confrontations aren't my forte.

And then yesterday... I get a call that terrified me. I'm told my dad is very ill and if he doesn't go to the hospital, he isn't going to make it. And he's refusing to go to the hospital.

He's 87, and truth be told, I think he's ready to go. But his damn body won't cooperate. Though I'm a big heathen, he isn't and he believes that Mom is waiting for him. And how can I deny him that?
But not on my birthday. And that's what I had to scream at him when I got to him and he was still refusing to go to the hospital. "You don't get to die on my birthday!"

And he didn't. My tears and screaming at him finally worked and he agreed to let the ambulance take him.
Congestive heart failure, acute pulmonary edema and pneumonia.

The majority of yesterday and today (my birthday) was spent at the hospital with him. He's doing well and should be fine... and I don't know that he's too awfully happy about that. He told me he had a dream last night... the most beautiful garden he's ever seen, and he was looking for Mom, but then he woke up. And I think he was kinda sad about that.

Though, as his treatments are working, he's starting to feel a lot better and maybe isn't quite so sad? I hope.
My birthday meal, the only one I had time to grab today, was in the hospital cafeteria. No cake.

Actually, there was cake. My sister, who'd been there for just a few hours while I went into work to get some stuff done, bought a slice for herself. She didn't get one for me.

I'm starving and I have no food in the house. I suppose I could make some toast... birthday toast... hahahahaha...


I just wanted to get home. I stayed at the hospital until he started dozing and watching Wheel of Fortune and I knew he was safe and settled in for the night.
I thought maybe I'd have an amazing night in SL... and it did start off that way. My guy put together an amazing fireworks display for me. But then things happened, and people dropped by his place, and there was no alone time and then it was midnight and we were both too tired to... do anything.


So yeah, birthdays blow. I'm 47 now and shouldn't really expect anything else. I'm disappointed in myself for letting myself be disappointed... lol.
Anyway... that's another one in the books. Tomorrow is September 16th and is officially my un-birthday.

Happy birthday to me, you old silly shit.

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