Saturday, December 10, 2016

Current Status: Homeless & Heartbroken

So where is Beth Macbain these days, huh?
This is what happens when I get on my computer. Makes being in SL difficult... lol.
Well, first off, I'm currently Second Life homeless. I let my tier lapse, which is fine. I wasn't crazy about that little slice of land anyway, and with the new prim allowances, it's time to move. A new place will be good. All new. So when I make my way back inworld for any amount of time, I guess I'll be shopping for new land and a new home to go with it.

Heartbroken. God, I miss Hugh. I love that man. He's the one, will always be the one. Beth Macbain without Hugh Person is... incomplete. I don't know how to change that. I don't know if I want to change that. The pain comes and goes... it's always just sort of an ache that's there, but lately it's been acute. Maybe it's the time of year, I don't know. We're coming up on the year anniversary of the last time I heard from him, and also coming up on what would have been our three year anniversary.

In the life of Beth Macbain, there is a huge Hugh-shaped hole. Sometimes it's right in front of me, sometimes I only see it in my peripheral vision, but it's always there. I've tried to move on over the last year, but nothing has worked. I fucked my way through SL, even got partnered a couple of times for a minute. The first time was to my darling Neo whose only real crime was not being Hugh. The second time, the most recent, was to Michael the man-child, the complete antithesis of everything that was good about Hugh.

In between, there were lovers galore. Some names I remember, some I've forgotten. Some faded away, some ended in flames. None devastated me - they weren't Hugh. I've just come to realize that what I had with him was a once in a lifetime thing. I'll never feel that way with anyone else, never feel that loved, that complete, that cherished. That appreciated. That understood.

I miss him. Did I mention that I miss him?

I had reason this week to try to reach out to him. Someone inworld needed something from him... needed him to make them an admin of a Flickr group that he moderated and, of course, abandoned when he left. So I sucked it up and sent him an email and heard nothing.

Until yesterday, that is, when the person let me know that he'd made the change and sent her a Flickr mail letting her know he'd done it. There was a brief message for me, too, but not sent directly to me.

I'm not sure how I feel about that. On one hand, it's the first thing I've heard in a year so I rejoice in that. On the other hand, he didn't answer my email even to let me know it had been received, and that stings like a bitch. On the third hand (it's Second Life - I can have as many hands as I want), not contacting me directly is just further proof of his integrity and all the other things that made me fall in love with him in the first place. He made a promise to his real life, and he's kept that promise.

I wish he didn't have so much integrity.

That's petty and selfish of me. I wish he wasn't such a good man so I could still be a part of his world.

I miss everything about him. I miss the patience he showed me, the advice he gave me. I miss his comforting presence - as long as Hugh was in my world, everything was okay. Even at the darkest times, like when my father tried to kill himself and when my brother died, I still had the steady hand of Hugh. I could feel him - his presence was palpable. It didn't matter if I was online or offline, he was still there. Always had my back. Always holding my hand. Always lifting me up. Always confident and steadfast in his support of me.

What a guy, huh? The best. The very, very best. There is no other.

And I know that Hugh was a compilation of all the very best traits of the real life man behind the avatar. We all do that, don't we? Make our SL selves our best selves? But I knew then, as I know now, that those best traits were the real man. Maybe even the man he wished he could be in the real world.

But we can't quite be that in the real world, can we? There are promises and oaths and obligations and jobs and bills and family and a myriad of other outside influences we simply can't ignore to be the person we really want to be.

I still love him just as much as I did a year ago, two years ago, if not more. And I believe that he still loves me, too. Every rainbow, every sunset, every dream... he's there and that warmth that was his presence still reaches out to me. I hope that wherever he is, he feels it, too, in return a billion-fold from me.

So where does that leave me, and Second Life? I still don't know. I miss a lot of things. And I sort of feel an obligation to continue to be a part of, and support, SL. If we all leave, SL will go away. And that would be unbearable, even though I'm not really a part of it right now. It's where Hugh and Beth lived their story - it's our Hundred Acre Wood. How can I leave that behind, even if I'm just living in it as a ghost of who I was when I was with Hugh?

I want to come back to SL. I really do. There is so much about it I miss. But every time I start to login, I just think "Meh... maybe tomorrow." There's always a counter to be cleaned, hair to be washed, Netflix to binge on, arts and crafts projects I've started working on... oh, and my new kitten. Sophie makes being on the computer very difficult because she likes to attack the pointer. And it's too damn cute to get mad at her about. She's attacking my toes right now as I sit here.

See, though I know I sound maudlin as fuck right now, I'm really not. Life is going pretty well for me right now (knock on wood). I'm even enjoying the holiday season and I typically despise Christmas. I'm still angry about this whole Trump presidency bullshit, but I'm also enjoying his supporters looking all gobsmacked as they realize he played them for fools.

I've started cross-stitching again, something I stopped doing probably 20 years ago. I've started making my own bath and beauty products, and cleaning products. I used to be a great baker - I've started baking again, too. All sorts of things I never had time for when I was spending all my free time on SL.

I miss having orgasms in SL, though. Not relationships... not again, at least not right now. I love Hugh too much to even consider it. Sex, though. I can do that and not feel bad about it. Orgasms are necessary for a healthy existence. It's fun to log in and get all sexified and pick up some guy and get crazy for a couple of hours. But that's all I can give right now.

All I want, all I have time for. I'd rather spend my spare dollars on new essential oils and recipes and threads that on virtual clothes and rent right now.

And Second Life without Hugh is just no Second Life at all for me. I had a fulfilling SL before Hugh. I don't remember how I did that now. I guess we all have to leave SL eventually, right? Is it my time to do that? I don't want it to be but I just don't know what to do with myself there now. It wasn't so very long ago that SL Beth and RL Beth were mostly one and the same. Not so much anymore.

So I guess this all means I'm still stuck in limbo.

Time to go back to binge-watching Quantum Leap on Netflix.

"Oh boy."

Saturday, November 5, 2016

Stop. Reset. Breathe.

I'm now being instructed to stop being mean on my blog.
Am I being mean? I dunno, maybe? In my eyes, I'm being truthful about how I view what's happening, and what has happened, in my world over the past few months.

There's a big part of me that wants to just say, hey, don't behave like an ass if you don't want to be called an ass. I haven't touched upon a tenth of the insanity that has been my Second Life in 2016. Also, anyone who knows me, or gets involved with me, knows I have this blog and that I don't just post pretty pictures. I use it as my journal and I've been using it that way for years.

And sometimes people don't like what they read.

And sometimes I don't like the way I've been treated.

So who's interests do I look out for? Mine or anyone else's?

Having a blog that is more than what I'm wearing today is a slippery slope. That's a lesson I learned years ago and I've been weighing the pros and cons of being an open book all along. I've lost friends because of things I've posted, but I've gained many others. I've edited posts, removed posts, added them back, some have stayed hidden away.

Honesty isn't always pretty. And every story has at least two sides and they're often diametrically different. But this isn't anyone else's blog but mine. My stories. My words. My experiences. My thoughts.

And no, no one gets to tell me what I can or cannot say.

People are certainly free to give their opinions, even their sides of the story if they want, but no one gets to censor me. One of the greatest things I've been told about this blog, time and time again, is that others wish they could be as open and honest as I am with my thoughts and feelings, my experiences.

I know that for every person that tells me that, there is someone else wishing they could shove a gag down my throat and shut me up. I know there is always another person out there that views what I've said in a different light, from their viewpoint.

This blog was no different when I was with Hugh. I posted things a few times that I know damn good and well he didn't really like, or that he wished I hadn't posted. You know how he handled it? With support, always. I would ask him about things and he never failed to tell me that he loved how I expressed myself and would never in a million years ask me to hold anything back ever. He loved the insight my blog gave him into me, good or bad. Because he understood me, and loved me, and he supported me always 100%. He wanted to know what was going on in my head.

He was really something special, you know? It's been almost a year now since he left Second Life, and my life, and he's still the Incomparable Hugh.

Perhaps I should have left SL when he did. It's certainly not been the same without him. Yes, there have been good times since then, but mostly I think I've just been chasing the dragon. I try and try and try, but it'll never be as good as my time was with him.

No one is ever going to live up to the standard he set. He left some big damn shoes to fill and I'll never settle for anything less than what I had with him.

I've tried not to compare every man I've met to him, but I'm not sure that's possible. Oh, I don't think that there is just one ideal person out there for me, or for anyone, but losing him was like the death of a spouse. We didn't have a falling out and break up because we weren't working anymore. One day he was there, the next he was gone through circumstances beyond our control, much like if he had been killed in a crazy accident that no one saw coming.

And I mourn for him. It still hurts sometimes, and I don't think of  him every day, but when I do, it's memories of just how good it was. How good a man he was. Even when things came up that frustrated either one of us, we worked through it together. There was nothing I could say to him that he didn't want to hear, that he wasn't open to listening to. That he took seriously and did everything in his power to see from my point of view. And when he was right, and I was wrong, he was so... gentle... in letting me figure it out for myself while he sat there, bemused, listening to me rant until I talked it all through and finally went, "oh shit,  you're right!" and then he would laugh and hug me and love me. And when he was wrong, he had the most beautiful ways of saying, "You are right. I never thought of it that way and I see how this made you feel."

God, I miss him.

What was this post about? Oh yeah, censoring myself.

No, I don't think I will. When I find myself not being able to say what I want to say, when I want to say it, that's when I'll just shut this down.

Is that time now? Maybe.

If the fact is that every SL relationship I have is going to be lacking because they aren't Hugh and can't live up to the bar he raised, maybe it is time to stop. It's not fair to any man I meet to go into it knowing that they aren't going to meet the standard he set.

Maybe they are a jackass... or maybe they're just not Hugh. Maybe I'm still too in love with Hugh to be able to see the difference and maybe it just isn't fair to speak on any of it since my view of what a relationship should be is modeled after the only two perfect relationships I've ever seen - my parents and my relationship with Hugh.

I don't know. And maybe until I figure that out it's best for me to just not post anything relationship related, even though I can't imagine even starting anything with anyone right now.

I just don't know.

Or maybe there are times when it's okay to just delete. To hit the reset button. To just be able to go, "huh... that was a mistake" and erase it all. To say, "that period of time... let's just move past it and pretend it wasn't there."

Wow... okay, I just did that. I purged my Flickr and I purged this blog.

That was kind of cathartic.

I took a wrong turn somewhere back around... May, maybe? And it sent me off into this weird vortex of behavior that never really felt comfortable to me.

It's silly to think I can just delete the past, right? Pretend it didn't happen? But why not?

Oh, I know it all still happened, but I don't have to be faced with it every day. I don't want to see the reminders of a time I wasn't happy and made some big mistakes all the time.

Okay. That never happened. BOOM.

Can I start over now? I know it isn't that easy. I can delete photos and blog posts but I can't delete that time or the memories.

Or the lessons I've learned. I got twisted up in all sorts of ways, and it's time to unfurl myself now. Alone, on my terms.

I'm hitting the reset button and putting the summer of 2016 behind me. It's there in the rear view mirror, but it's getting more distant with every passing mile.

Every passing smile.

Stop. Reset. Breathe.

Sunday, August 7, 2016

Today, I became a hooker.

Yes, you read that correctly.
I took money for sex today.

I've posted about this guy before. The one who posts in group chats that he wants to take a woman shopping.

I'm really not interested in shopping with anyone... I do that quite well on my own, but every once in a while, this guy offers up a couple thousand lindens for sex without shopping. And today I took him up on it. He wanted a woman to have sex with him in front of a (female) friend of his. I had some time today, and payday isn't until Thursday and I blew my weekly linden allotment on mesh heads and the accouterments that go along with them.
He posted the offer, I asked how much and for how long (L$2,000 for 15-20 minutes) and before the the bullies in the group chat had stopped making fun of him, I was giving him head. He stuck to his word... I was only with him for about 20 minutes, and he paid me up front.

Was I faking it? Of course I was. He barely spoke. He worked the animations while I gave him the best 20 minutes of typing I could. I think he and his friend both enjoyed it. They were both polite, got what they wanted, and I TPed away with a pocket full of lindens.
Would I do it again? For that price and that short amount of time? Hell yes, I would. I think it's clear to anyone who reads this blog that I love to write. I spent less time with him than I have working on this post so typing up a short little sex scene on the fly is nothing.

I honestly felt a little guilty faking it, but with my hands on the keyboard the entire time, I really didn't have much choice. And he wasn't paying for me to have an orgasm anyway... It was for him. Well, him and his girl.
So, yeah... today I became a hooker. And I may do it again sometime. I have no regrets, no shame about what I did. Isn't that part of the beauty of Second Life? We can be or do anything we want. Today I got to play call girl. It was something different, and though I wouldn't necessarily say it was fun, it wasn't nearly as boring as standing around doing nothing for 20 minutes.
Let the haters hate and the bullies... er, bull?... Makes no never mind to me. I'm living my best Second Life, and this guy is living his best Second Life. Can the people who spend their time being big meanies say the same? Is that really their best Second Life?

If it is, they're the ones who need pity.

Tuesday, August 2, 2016

Well... I did it.

I broke down and bought a damn mesh head.

And I might hate it. Or I might love it.

I'm curious as to what you fine folks think. I know I'm so used to seeing myself that I can't be impartial.

So here is normal me.
 And here is Catwa me.
Honestly, I think it looks gorgeous... but dead. No expression. The eyes have no spark, there is no smile. The animation smile is too big and cheesy for wearing all the time. I think that's what I like least about this whole mesh head thing... not being able to turn my lips up a little bit so I don't look like I hate the world all the time. 

I went with a YS&YS skin applier. I thought they looked a little more mature than some of the others I looked at. Any suggestions for other appliers I should look at? Anything with more eye crinkles or a happier mouth or something? Also, my Belleza skin has lovely little dimples above the ass... this one doesn't and I miss that, too. 

Here's the side by side comparison. 
What do you kids think? Keep it, ditch it? Keep looking for some other mesh head? I'm really torn.

Also, if I do buy another Catwa basic head, do the HUDs work with any of them? I bought the fatpack with this one and I don't especially want to buy more fatpacks if I just want a different head.

Edit: I went with a different applier... It's growing on me. Maybe. 

Which me should I go with?

Saturday, July 30, 2016

Oh, Saturday

So I'm clearly going through some sort of change.

Everything is sex. All sex. All the time. I can't have enough orgasms, it seems.

And I can't do relationships right now. I'm craving too damn much. 

Is it hormonal? Probably. I've always been pretty hyper-sexual, but right now? Good god. It's never enough. No matter how much cock I get, or how many orgasms I have, it's never enough.

I could be coy and play games and flirt... but why? I want sex, I want it now, and I don't want to play games. I just want to fuck.

And I don't know how long it's going to last, this need I'm having. So why fight it? It could end tomorrow and I want to enjoy it while I can. It's like the slightest whisper across my clit and I'm spurting like a geyser. 


The photos below represent the first half of my Saturday. I found a new beach... and some new men while I was there. It's called Dusk Point Beach and I had a fine time!

Why am I writing this post a bit differently than usual? Instead of photos and text mingled together, I'm putting the photos at the bottom. I just feel... I dunno. These are pure fuck photos and not all of my readers might want to see them. I love them... they bring back the memories of how my day started but I'm certain they aren't for everyone.

If that's the case, you should probably stop looking now... but if you want to see me in all my... whorish glory... keep going... lol.
Al liked my nipples quite a bit.

Not as much as he loved my pussy, though.

I mean, he really loved it.

Lots and lots. 

And the orgasms flowed.

But cock! I had to have it.

He was thick... just like I love it.

A brief bit of afterglow before...

I met Marvy.

He was also a fan of my pussy.

I've absolutely lost count of orgasms now.

But it's not enough.

Moar orgasms, plz.

And cock! More cock!

And after Marvy, it was back to Al.

My pussy needed a little TLC. He was happy to give me a little massage.

And my sore little nipples needed some love, too.

Sometimes a woman just needs a good buggering .

I do so love a good hard deep anal fuck.

And Al was more than happy to oblige.

My pussy needed a little rest... good thing I've got other holes.

And the yummy frosting! 

No apologies for who I am.
And that was Saturday afternoon. I can't wait to see what Saturday night is going to bring!

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

Do You Think This Is A Fucking Game?

Note: Oops... Sometimes I forget that not everyone gets my sense of humor, and they can't necessarily "see" the tone of voice I'm using.

The title of my last blog post was pulled right from a meme... this one.
I was a bit confused until I started getting all these messages asking if I was okay. "Er... yeah, I'm fine. Why?"

I'll try from now one to include the subtext any time I use some dank meme I ripped off the internet! ;-)

On some level, I understand why people create alts and start all over in Second Life. Hell, I did it seven years ago when I ditched my first avatar and made Beth Macbain.
As you can see, she hasn't been updated in a minute...
In my case, it was because my first avatar was so far off from who I was that it didn't feel like me. I wanted to be in SL as myself, as much as I could be, right down to using my real first name.

I know some people start over again for similar reasons. Some have nutty exes they're trying to get away from. And a great many have reasons I don't know or understand.

I'm going to tell you about two different situations I've had with men who I later found out were alts of people I already knew.
Several months ago, the very same evening Hugh broke up with me, I met this guy. I had gone to bed and been unable to sleep. I got out of bed, emotionally raw, and logged in with the thought of "Fuck it, I've been monogamous for nearly two years now... I'm getting laid." I went to Teqi's and there was a fellow there that I'd seen someplace else just a few days before and I was interested. While I was trying to figure out how to approach him, he approached me. We talked for an hour or so and hit it off amazingly.

He didn't try to sleep with me, though if he'd asked, I would have. But he knew I was going through something rough and didn't make that move. The very next day, he sent me an email saying he had something he needed to talk to me about. We met up that night and he told me the truth - he was actually someone I'd known for several years, since before Hugh. We'd flirted but our circumstances were never such that we could get together. We were never close. more of a flirtation than anything. Hell, I don't know if we'd ever met face to face before.

Regardless, he wanted to come clean with me before we went any further. He told me everything, answered every question I had, and gave me every opportunity to walk away.
I didn't, of course. Whatever his reasons for creating the alt, he explained them to me before we'd done anything more than a quick kiss goodnight on the cheek.

As this was all happening, and my relationship with this fellow was in its early stages, I received an email from another old friend. Someone I'd known even longer, and someone I'd even slept with once. We hadn't spoken in years and he'd since left SL for reasons not known to me. But suddenly I was getting this email from him out of the blue.

He was warning me about the guy I was seeing. That he was an alt and shared the dirty laundry he know of this guy with me, including a cut and paste job of a bunch of old Plurks about my new love... some of those Plurks were six years old. He was just letting me know "as a friend."

Of course, everything he told me I already knew. I informed him of that, thanked him for looking out for me and never heard another word from him.
Flash forward to when I was opening Ruined.

There was a guy who joined immediately. As a matter of fact, he was the first person to request membership. He looked hot, I'd seen him around a few places, seemed to be a decent guy, and we banged a couple of times. I was talking to another friend about him who had also slept with him, and she told me that she suspected he was the alt of someone we both knew. Someone we'd both known for years.

So I asked him... and he confirmed it. Yep, he was the same guy who emailed me to warn me about the other guy being an alt.




I honestly didn't think a lot about it at the time. I was opening my own club and it was a very stressful, time-consuming thing. The sordid details about the pasts of the guys I was sleeping with wasn't really a concern and it wasn't any sort of serious relationship, nor was it going to be.

Now I've had some time to think about it, and I've also heard some things from some other women that he did the same thing to. He'd befriended them, slept or engaged in prolonged flirtation with them, and then disappeared, only to reappear as someone else, hanging out in the same places, meeting the same women, in some cases sleeping with them, partnering with them, without ever letting them know they knew him from before.

That is not making a fresh start - That is playing a very shitty game.

It's being dishonest and deceitful. I don't consider Second Life a game, and I make that clear to those I get involved with. This guy used me. And he had the fucking nerve to call out this other guy for doing the same thing? No, not even the same thing. Guy #1 was honest with me. This guy wasn't.
And he did the same thing with other women. In his view, Second Life is a game to be played and you level up by fucking women by any means possible.

Do you see the difference between Guy #1 and Guy #2 and how, though they both started over with new avatars, the circumstances and situations were completely different? One respected me enough to tell me the truth before I asked - and I wouldn't have. I never even suspected. The other one saw me only as a means to get his dick wet, completely disregarding the human being behind the avatar.

No. No, thank you. I want no part of that. The more I've learned, the angrier I've gotten. I don't use the block function very often, but I'm using it now. And not just in Second Life. On Flickr, on Google, on any other means this guy could use to contact me. I don't want to hear his story or his excuses. I generally believe people should be given a chance to explain themselves, but not this time.
So while I may not be with Guy #1 any longer, he still someone I love dearly. He has been in my corner, both as Avatar #1 and Avatar #2, for years and years, to this very day. If I'm feeling down about something, if I post something here that indicates I'm not feeling great physically or emotionally, he's there. Always. He is always looking out for me, and I love him.

Guy #2, though... well, he can fuck right off. I have no wish to see or hear from him ever again. Ever. Now that I've written this out and gotten it off my chest, he ceases to exist to me. There are just some things you don't come back from - this is one of them.
My purpose in posting this? I don't know. To let me sort through it all in my own head, certainly. So he can read it and know why he can't get in touch with my anymore. And maybe as a warning to others to always think long and hard before trusting someone.

Sunday, July 24, 2016

The Many Loves of Beth Macbain

I'm entering a new chapter of my Second Life.

One where were I'm just going to accept that this big goofy heart of mine, and this overactive sex drive of mine, make me fall in love over and over and over, often with several men at the same time.
My second life is pretty split into three parts... Before Hugh, During Hugh, and now, After Hugh.

I've come to accept that what I had with Hugh isn't going to happen again. That was a blip in the universe. The timing was right for both of us and it just worked. It was wonderful and it's over.
So now... After Hugh.

I've fallen in love so many times in these last few months. That sounds fickle, I know, but the fact remains that with the exception of one glaring mistake, I really did, and do, love these guys.

Right now, there are three in particular. And, god, they couldn't be any more different. This isn't like in my early days with Hugh when I had two loves that were also friends. These guys have nothing in common except me.
And all three love me for all my faults and foibles and wonderfulness. All three call to a different part of me. None of them are able to be in SL as much as I am... as much as I'd like them to be... and all three also have other entanglements. I can't be monogamous with any of them, nor do I want to be.

All three have blessed me with openness... they understand my intense sexuality. I believe they all take pride in it even. They all know I'm going to have sex with other men... even love other men. None would try to hold me down even if they were free to do so.
My life in SL is centered around sex and love. It just is, and really always has been. I have other things I enjoy... shopping, dancing, photography, etc., but at the end of the day, I'm here to get laid.

And to love the men I'm lying with. When I'm with a man, I give him my all... for the time we're logged in together, I belong to him. But when the log off comes, for either of us, that ends and I'm ready to move to someone else.
My libido is at the highest it's ever been right now. I'm not exaggerating when I say I'm in heat. I can't have enough orgasms. There is never a time when I say, "Stop, I'm done... it's too much."

I don't know how long it's going to last so I'm going to enjoy every second of it. I'm having a hell of a time, even though I still haven't found enough lovers to please me. I'm still very particular about who I fuck. Bumping pixels just doesn't do it for me... there has to be more to it. I can't necessarily define it, but I know it when I see it. And I grab it.
Not gonna lie... I've scared a few men. They just aren't used to women who state what they're looking for right up front - sex. Gone are the days when I waited for men to IM me. If I see someone I like, I make contact. I get rebuffed sometimes, yes. And sometimes after a few minutes of conversation, I realize they aren't what I want.

And by the way, I'm looking for new places to find new men. If anyone has suggestions, I'd love to hear them.
I don't want to do the dance... the mating ritual of circling, and being coy, and fluffing tail feathers. I want what I want. I want sex. And I may well fall in love while I'm fucking. But it won't be the end-all, be-all, you-are-my-one-and-only kind of love. 

Watch... having said that some dude is going to come along and sweep me off my feet... lol. Things change, as we're all well aware.

But for right now, for today, this is my Second Life. And I'm loving it.

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