Friday, September 25, 2015

Karmic Justice?

I am an unbeliever. 

Mostly.

I do not believe in any sort of god, or afterlife, or karma, or divine intervention or anything. 

Until something shitty happens to someone I love and then suddenly I believe that every wrong thing I've ever done is coming back to bite me on the ass and teach me a lesson.

Today was one of those days. My beloved dad is in the hospital. I've been there with him since about 7 o'clock this morning. He's fine, or he will be, but still... he's being kept overnight and it's scary and awful and totally unfair to him because he's a great man.

And I feel like it's all my fault that he's in the hospital tonight. Because of choices I've made, things I've done... karma is biting me in the ass and it's taking it out on my papa. 

Of course that's ridiculous. That's not the way the universe works, right? This is just a coincidence. 

Isn't it? Or am I being punished by... something... in the worst way- by making someone I love sick? 

Is it a wake up call? Have I been put on notice by the Powers That Be that I need to clean my act up and start acting right? 

Shit's hard. Life is hard. Making the right choices is hard. Being a good person is hard and I think I've clearly somehow failed because Bad Things are Happening. 

Or is it just a guilty conscience making me think that the universe is out to get me all the sudden? My mind is making connections that aren't there. A + Toast =/= Carp. Or does it?

Or maybe I'm just exhausted and grouchy and worried and sore from the plastic hospital chairs and being goofy as fuck.

I don't know. I don't have any answers for anything right now and that bothers me. Someone at work yesterday accidently broke a Winnie the Pooh figurine. 

And Hugh is my Pooh Bear and it freaked me out because of all the things to accidently break, why Pooh? And now Dad is in the hospital. 

Hey, universe, I need some fucking answers here. Just a tiny bit of clarity and guidance, please. 

And leave my loved ones alone, damn it. 

Thursday, September 17, 2015

I Believe in Hope

And I believe in happy.

Those are his words, not mine.  
Though I do certainly share the sentiment.

We're still in limbo, though. Swapping emails when we can, stealing our moments. It's been far too long since I've laid eyes on him. I trust that'll be rectified soon. Soonish. Sometime.
No matter, though. I'm learning patience. He's got to have the time to straighten out the real world. He deserves that time.

And I'm not going anywhere.
I love him. He loves me.

It really is that simple.

There are details to be worked out. Time is our friend.
At the end of the day, I know his arms are around me. When I wake in the morning, I know he's with me. Every hour, every second. I am his as he is mine.

We will overcome this.
In the meantime, SL has lost a bit of his luster. Without him there, it feels very empty and lonely. I don't want to go out, don't want to stay in. I find myself at his place often. I lie in his bed, I bathe in his tub, I swim in his waters. I make sure Snowball isn't too lonely. :-)
And I take photos for him. Some I've shared on Flickr, some are for his eyes only. But every photo I take is with him in mind.

I know he won't forget who I am, who we are, what we have and what we share... but it's nice to send him little reminders of what is waiting for him when he's able to return.
Will it ever be the same? Will we ever go back to the way it was before?

That's still all up in the air. No one knows for certain. It's not an impossibility, though not necessarily a probability.
We are strong. We feed that in each other. We lift each other up. We balance. If anyone can make it, we can.

Of this I am certain.
In the meantime... I reach for him in my dreams, and feel him reaching for me. And we find each other there. And we're able to strip it all away and be us, together. Magic.
Oh my sweet baby, I love you. With every breath, I love you. I love you.
So that's where I am, that's where we are. In the stars, in the ether that binds us together.
We are binary stars... and our center mass is love.

Sounds corny, I know. But we're corny. Two goofy nerds that were drawn together by a force that can't be denied.
That's it. We're in our holding pattern.

And together we believe in hope and happy. And that's not such a bad place to be.

Saturday, September 5, 2015

It's a Love Story...

And the final chapter hasn't been written yet.

Several years ago in the immediate aftermath of my mother's death, my beloved sister-in-law told me a little secret. She'd lost her mother several years before so she'd already been in the place where I was at that moment and she imparted some words of wisdom to me that have stuck with me.
Floating, floating, floating... a familiar site...
If a girl can survive losing her mother, she can survive anything.

And I will survive this. I will.

And I'm not even sure what "this" is yet.

I'm moving through the stages of grief... because something has died. What we had, what we were, is forever changed. There's no going back.
Who's shore have I washed up on?
And that's just a fact I have to learn to live with.

I have choices to make, decisions to work my way through. Some of those decisions I can make with him- many I'm going to have to trudge through on my own.

Does he love me? Yes, that's not even in question, nor is my love for him.

It would be really easy right now for me to say I'd sacrifice anything, everything, to keep what we have alive in some form or fashion.
I'm here.
I need to examine that, though. Really look at that really hard. How much am I willing to sacrifice? Would I give up Second Life? Let go of Beth Macbain? That's our world, where we live, where we've loved. The last year and a half has been spent building a life with him. A second life, yes, but still a life.

What do I do in SL if he isn't there?

I shop, of course. But... who am I dressing myself up for if not for him? The pretty lingerie? The hair, the makeup, the shoes? Yes, I like looking good for me, but it's always been with an eye towards seducing my man.
I can break out... I will break out...
We have/had this huge passion for each other, and our way of expressing that passion has been through Second Life. It's enabled us to "touch" each other. The words have always been more important than the visual, though.

How do I express that passion for a man who is now unable to give that back? His ability to reciprocate is no longer there, even though he may still be feeling it, he can't show it.

What does that mean for me?

And how selfish am I for even thinking of myself right now? I still have all my outlets of expression- he doesn't.

One thing we both definitely agree on right now is that this sucks. This sucks beyond measure. It was only a week ago when life was perfect and dreamy and we were solid as rocks.
Look, baby!
How fast things can change! And not because either of us feels any differently about the other. Outside forces converged on us and we have no control. That's a fucking scary feeling right there. Not having any control.

I'm so not used to that. I am a strong, independent woman who takes care of herself, and has been for years. And my hands are tied. There is nothing I can do to change the situation I'm in.

I suppose what I can control is how I deal with it. There are just so many unknown factors right now. Nothing can be rushed... a lot of this is going to have to deal with the passage of time.

tick tock, tick tock

Time heals all wounds, they say. Absence makes the heart grow fonder. Or is it out of sight, out of mind? Will we stop loving each other? No. We're too important to each other for us to ever not love.

But there is love, and then there is being in love. Will we fall out of love?
It's still here.
I don't know. I just don't know.

I can still be there for him in whatever way he needs me to be. But he can't be there for me in the same way, whether he wants to or not.

And that's where I have those choices, decisions to make. And I can't make them haphazardly. I can't go with my gut or first instincts. I'm not used to that- not being able to make a decision and just go with it.

tick tock, tick tock

I expect I'll be blogging a lot more. This has always been my way of straightening out the mess in my brain, and there is a HUGE mess in there right now. So many unknowns, so many knots to untangle.

With all this happening, it's become very clear to me how much I've isolated myself in SL. We've isolated ourselves... because we were happy in our isolation. We had each other. What else did we need?

I don't want to live off my memories. I want to create more. I wasn't ready for this. It just came out of nowhere and leveled me. I've had no time to adjust, to prepare myself.
Hasn't gone anywhere...
I know I'll survive. I'm broken down right now, but I'm strong. There will be plenty of drama and tears and angst in the days, weeks, months ahead, of that I'm sure. But I also know I'll come out okay on the other side.

What that's going to look like I have no way of knowing right now.

I can feel the bricks slowly falling into place... the walls of protection being built up around me, whether I want them there or not. On one hand, I'm glad they're there. I'm glad my self-protection instincts are kicking in. On the other hand, I don't want to wall myself into a place where I become untouchable. Feelings, good or bad, are important. Numbness is scary. I want to feel everything, and I want to keep myself open to whatever lies beyond the horizon.

See, I've loved loving him. Having a man who could accept and cherish all I had to give him. And, god, he gave it back to me! How joyous every single day has been, being able to pour all I have to give into him, knowing I made him smile, knowing I made him feel all the love and protection I had to offer him.

I have so much of it inside me... how do I not let it out? How do I not keep pouring all my love into this wonderful, funny, intelligent, deserving man? I might explode if I have to try to keep it all inside me.

This is life. This is living. For me, it's how I live. I love.

I love him.
This is still here. I'm still here. We're still here.
And I'm tired of crying over the spilt milk that is our relationship right now. I want to fix things. I want to find the solutions to make this all bearable.

Because it's worth it, right? A love like we have doesn't come along just every day. It has value, deep intrinsic value. It's not something to just be tossed aside without a thought, without a care... without a fight.

It's the unknowns... and there are so many of them right now. And they will only become knowns through the passage of time.

tick tock, tick tock

Patience is a virtue I've never had. So, hey, I've got that to work on, right? Teaching myself to sit on my hands, that everything doesn't need to be consumed all at once. Sit back, breathe, take a sip of water, breathe. Don't rush. Haste makes waste. This is a marathon, not a sprint.

I can do this. It's not the first time I've faced adversity. I can do this. I can.

And I will.

He's worth it. I'm worth it.

We're worth it.

I'm going to keep reminding myself of that fact.

And you can bet your sweet ass I'll keep reminding him of that, too.
This is my "come at me, bro" pose. Because I'm ready. I can take it. I'm strong. You're strong. We're strong.

Friday, September 4, 2015

An Open Letter to Impact Team

I don't know who you are.

Oh, I hope and pray to the gods I don't believe in that the FBI finds you. I don't care if you're prosecuted or not. I just want to know your names. I want to see your faces, see if they match up to the images I have in my mind. You're fat, and you're skinny. You have grubby Cheeto-stained fingers with nails chewed to the quick by your rotten teeth, blackened and decayed by the gallons of Mountain Dew you pour down your gullets while you sit at your battles stations in the basement of your mom's home, or your dark, cheap little studio apartment. Greasy hair, greasy skin... and greasy souls.

I've never used Ashley Madison. Neither has my (ex?) boyfriend. Yet you destroyed us anyway. In your desire to take down the big bad website, you instead destroyed the lives of people you don't know, relationships you know nothing about. It was none of your business.

It was not your battle to fight.

Is Ashley Madison a big scam? I don't know, nor do I care. I wasn't a user. Perhaps they were taking money from their members to destroy their information, and not following through. That was between AM and their users. It was not your battle to fight.

It was not your battle to fight.

You know nothing of relationships. Of the approximate 4 billion adults on this planet, there are 4 billion stories. None of them are black and white. Sure, there are men who just can't keep their dicks in their pants, and women who can't keep their legs closed. But there are far more stories with layers upon layers, stories that make Dostoyevsky look like light bathroom reading.

Stories that are far beyond your feeble comprehension.

You don't know what leads people to where they are today. What twists and turns their lives take. You do not know the reasons behind the choices people make.

But you also don't care. You're terrorists. Lazy sociopaths. Hiding behind your keyboards, you cared nothing about the real human lives you destroyed.

And, like all terrorists, you failed abysmally in your mission.

Is Ashley Madison gone? Nope. From all accounts, they're doing better than ever and *gasp* real women are even signing up for accounts now. Good job, mother-fuckers!

Everybody knows about Ashley Madison now. And people know how to use it properly, too.

(For any of you wondering, the secrets are thus: Throwaway email accounts, incognito browsing, never, ever store passwords and most importantly, get some cash, go to the store and purchase some of those Visa gift cards with the untraceable, throwaway credit card numbers. BOOM- it's easier than ever to have an affair!)

You don't get to know my story, or his, or the sequence of events that brought us together. You'd never be able to follow it, or understand it. It's simply beyond your comprehension.

I'm a good person, but I don't need to justify myself to you. He's a good man. We never met, never heard each other's voices. We filled a need in each other's lives, without affecting the lives we lived in the real world.

At least, we did until you came along. We're broken now, and Ashley Madison is going strong.

I hate you. And that isn't something I say lightly. Hate is a strong word, a powerful emotion and one I don't like to feel. I love puppies and kittens and rainbows and ladybugs and the scent of Jasmine and just waking up every day and being alive. I appreciate people and their complexities and intricacies and their faults and foibles. I never want to cause another being pain- be it a human or a bug crawling on the ground.

But I hate you. And that's why I want to know who you are. I want to know who it is that I hate so very much. I hate you for what you've done to me, and to him... and yes, to her, too.

And I hate you for making me feel this hatred.

There is so much ugliness in this world we all share. So much pain and misery and hatred and I never wanted to be a part of that. I wanted to take my little spot on this planet and make others smile. You'll never be able to know and appreciate the feeling in your heart when you've done something selfless to give another a little bit of happiness. Just a moment of acknowledgement that their lives matter and that you see them, and wish them well in their journey through life.

I was a Pollyanna. I used to see the best in everyone I met. I fought, hard, deep within myself not to judge others on the basis of what I saw at first glance. To give everyone the benefit of the doubt and know that each human being has their own story that is none of my business. I believed that there was good in every one if you looked hard enough.

But for the life of me, I see nothing good in your actions. There is nothing noble in what you did. You sought to destroy Ashley Madison- you succeeded in destroying human lives. There is nothing- nothing- to be proud of there.

And, god, the people celebrating what you've done. What sort of a world is it we're living in where people are getting off on other's sadness? Sanctimonious, holier-than-thou monsters. I know- we all know- that every single one of us has flaws. We all make mistakes. And we all end up hurting people, sometimes on purpose, often completely inadvertently.

The sickness is in when we take joy in that. When we enjoy hurting others. When we enjoy seeing others be hurt.

I am imperfect. He is imperfect. But neither of us has the sickness in our souls that you do, Impact Team. We didn't seek and find a way to cause insurmountable pain in our fellow humans.

But you did. You did that.

And I hate you.

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