Sunday, March 30, 2014

Daffodils

Well, Christ... people actually read this damn thing, don't they?
I wrote a post the other night about insecurity. Seems that scared some folks.

The first thing anyone needs to know about that particular post is that I was stoned out of my gourd. I was feeling some stress and I took some pills.

Very stupid, yes. Not trying to hurt myself or anything like that... just trying to take the edge off the anxiety. It wasn't about anything happening in SL, or at least, certainly not entirely.
I do have a life outside of SL. And as an introvert, sometimes I have to do things in the real world that cause me stress just because I have to go out and deal with things. That night, it was a trip to the emergency vet with my 85 year old papa and his dog. The doggie just had a tummy ache, but the last time I was at this place, I had to put down my beloved calico kitty and it was horrible. Horrible memories and I didn't want to be there.

And when I got home, I took a couple pills. One too many, obviously.
Another thing... when I blog, I blog what I'm feeling in that exact second. In that particular moment. And right then, I was in a freaky place and then I slept and I wasn't in that place anymore.

This blog is my catharsis, my therapy. No one has to read it. I love that you do, but you certainly don't have to.

But I do have to write it. I use this to pour my thoughts and feelings out and to talk myself through things and then I hit publish and I move on. I can move on. I don't dwell on anything I write here. It's verbal diarrhea.
It's raw and unedited and I never put much thought into anything I'm writing here. I just let it flow and then turn off the faucet and move on.

My insecurity post seems to have scared the shit out of someone. Was I feeling all of that in that moment? You bet I was.

Was I feeling it five minutes after hitting the publish button? Nope.

These posts are snippets of my life... mostly of my Second Life. They are moments in time captured for posterity.
I am not in a dark place right now. I am not depressed. I am not feeling weak or insecure. I am not unhappy. RL Beth or SL Beth.

I'm good. It's good. Life is good. Spring is finally here and it's a time of renewal and rebirth. How could I be sad? There will be daffodils soon!

I have love. I am loved and I give love. Someone didn't obey my commands when I told them to roll over and beg, but such is life. Big deal. Beth didn't get her way. Meh. I was an insecure brat for a little bit. Big damn deal, right? Someone took that to heart. He should have just put me over his knee and spanked me.
My second life is very real to me. Second Life Beth is very real to me. She is me. What you get with Beth Macbain is me. But though it is really me, it's not my real life.

I never lose sight of that. While I blend the two very much, reality is reality. I'm not a delusional person. SL is an escape, but real life always takes precedence.

Real life is more important.

Daffodils are more important.

Unblogged

There were lots of words here. Thousands. 

I deleted them. 

Here's me in a bikini instead. 













Saturday, March 29, 2014

Fool On The Hill

Well, last night's post was pretty bleak, wasn't it?

Here's the thing... the lesson I very badly need to not just learn, but remember.
In Second Life, you cannot depend on anyone but yourself.

You can love others, but when it comes right down to it, you can only depend on yourself.

The funny thing about this is that I've absolutely learned that lesson in the real world.

I have my RL family that I can always and forever depend on, not matter what.

I have my best friend... knowing each other for over a quarter of a century now, she's family in all the ways that matter, too. I can depend on her.

Anyone else? Nope. No way.

Especially not men.

I'm an old maid. At 44, I know nothing else except how to take care of myself and not lean on others. I live alone, I take care of the two beasts, I pay my bills, I unclog the drains (long curly hair is a bitch!), I buy the groceries, I put the gas in the car... and when the darkness hits, I'm the only one that can pull myself out of it.
I'm in Second Life for a variety of different reasons. Sex. Shopping. Love my little house and land and decorating it.

And, yeah, I'd be lying if I didn't admit I'm partly in SL because I wanted to find someone I could depend on, at least in a virtual world.

It's nice to pretend I'm not alone. To let myself lean on someone for a while... let them hold me up a bit.

But we all know I do a shitty job and keeping SL and RL separate. And when I let myself lean on someone in SL, I feel it in RL, too.

It's not an issue when I turn off the computer. It's not like I find myself looking around for one of my fellas in the real world.

But what does happen is that I find myself at a loss for what to do in SL when I find myself alone. And it's especially tough for me when one of my loves is also online but not with me.

I'm not partnered to either of them, and even if I were, it's never healthy to be glued at the hip to someone at all times.

So even though I've got these two guys... well, maybe... I might be down to just one, really... but even though I have them, I still find myself alone a lot.

Much like in the real world, I don't have a lot of friends in SL. Not folks I hang out with. I keep my list trimmed pretty short and even at that, the people on that list aren't really people I see.
I'm an introvert in SL and RL, I suppose.

I love it in RL. I really do love being by myself. I keep myself busy, whether it's being online or reading or scritching the kitties or whatever. For an introvert, it's not easy having a job where I have to, you know, talk to people and stuff. So when that is over, my time at home, alone, is precious.

Not that I'm a total hermit. I'm not. I have a big family and I love hanging out with my bestie... in public even! But there is only so much of all that I can take before I just have to come home where I can breath.

And then there is my SL. I love Hugh and Mick, but even at that, there are times when I just want to break away and sit on my beach by myself. How else am I going to have time to shop?!

But I like that when it's my choice... not when I'm forced to be alone because the dudes are doing something, or someone, else. Which is ridiculous, I know. There is nothing in the rule book that says I have to be alone just because I'm not with them.

Hell, there's no rule book period.
Know what I'm doing as I type this blog? I'm sitting in a concert venue listening to this really great acoustic guitarist/singer and he's wonderful and there is a huge crowd of people around me.

And I'm writing a blog post and I've derendered them all. How weird is that? I could be in the middle of the crowd, dancing, making new friends... instead, I'm sitting on this couch pretending there aren't about 40 people all around me, talking and laughing and having a great time.

I'm so freaking weird. What am I even doing here? Why am I logged in when I have no intention, no desire, to mingle with anyone?

Fuck if I know. But here I am.

Day after day, alone on the hill
The man with the foolish grin is keeping perfectly still
But nobody wants to know him
They can see that he's just a fool
As he never gives an answer
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around

Well on the way, head in a cloud
The man of a thousand voices talking perfectly loud
But nobody ever hears him
Or the sound he appears to make
And he never seems to notice
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around

And nobody seems to like him
They can tell what he wants to do
And he never shows his feelings
But the fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around

He never listen to them
He knows that they're the fools
They don't like him
The fool on the hill
Sees the sun going down
And the eyes in his head
See the world spinning around

~Lennon, McCartney

Fatal Flaws

We are all flawed. Each and every one of us.

It makes us who we are.

Some of our flaws are simply beautiful.

And some are nothing but ugly.

I sometimes feel like I have more than my fair share of flaws, but I suspect we all feel that way.

I have one flaw, though, that is killing me.

It's killing me.

And I know it's there and I can't make it go away. I don't know how to make it disappear.
Insecurity.

It's my Achilles heel.

It. Is. Killing. Me.

I have it all. I have it all. I have it all.
So why... why... can't I just let myself enjoy it? Why do I have to dissect everything? Every little damn thing. I can't just breathe... I can't just let my life happen without tearing it apart.

I am single-handedly ruining something magical. Something so precious and perfect and beautiful and I can't make myself stop.

Why can't I make myself stop?

When he says he loves me, why can't I just believe that? Why do I have to be so damn suspicious and questioning? Why do I pick through every word he says to me just looking for something to upset me?
Thousands and thousands and thousands of words and actions and all I do is pick through those to find the little snippets of nothingness and fixate on them and pick and pick and pick at them like an ugly scab that just gets infected and oozes doubt and fear?

And then it spreads like a virus and eats away at the beautiful things.

Why can't I make it stop?
Why do I sabotage every single good thing that happens to me? I'm the one that makes that happen, not them. I do it.

I do it. I do it. I do it.

I take the beauty and the joy and the love and I strangle it and smother it and kill it. Dead.

Dead. Dead. Dead.

And I'm standing outside myself, watching it happen, and I'm screaming at me to stop.

Just stop, Beth. Just stop it. Stop.
But I don't. I'm a bystander in my own world. I'm sitting in my computer chair watching my monitor with the keyboard at my fingertips and I look at the screen and myself and my fingers hovering over the keys and I tell myself not to do it and then it happens anyway and I do it and I'm cursing myself and screaming at myself and I do it anyway.

Why?

Why? Why? Why?

Why do I let that little ugly voice inside my head win? The one that tells me I'm unlovable and undeserving and fatally flawed. The one that tells me he doesn't love me. He's lying. He's playing a game.

Look, Beth... look at what he said there. Just look at it. He hates you. He's laughing at you. He's just waiting for the moment to pull the rug out from underneath you so he can point and laugh and mock you. Just look, Beth... Look, it's there.. it's THERE.

And there is another voice... a quieter voice. A saner voice. And it tells me I'm being crazy. To just trust. To let him love me.
Why does the ugly voice always win?

I know the ugly voice is lying. It's lying to me. It's... evil. It hates me. He doesn't hate me. The voice hates me.

So why...? Why can't I kill the voice?

Why can't I win?

Wednesday, March 26, 2014

You Make Me Feel...

Like I'm the only girl in the world.
It's nice to be pampered every once in a while. Hugh surprised me a few nights ago with a wonderful sunset shower.
Made sure I was clean from head to toe, and all spots in between.
I love this man.
Even when... especially when... he's biting my nipples. ;-)
When I'm with this man, he really does make me feel like I'm the only girl in the world and it's... beautiful.
The way he touches me... the looks he gives me. The words he shares that make it clear that, in that moment, he sees no one but me. Every kiss, every caress... every single word... just for me.
He spoils me... not with presents and trinkets, but with his love. His complete selflessness when we're together.
I'm not sure I deserve it... I'm never entirely sure, but he gives it anyway. He never leaves me with doubt.
The way he gives of himself... gives to me. It's always there, whether we're talking or dancing or making love. It's always there.
The lightness and love shines with such brilliance when he's holding me. It elates me... lifts me.
He doesn't plan and practice... he just speaks to me from him heart... his words and the way he touches me. Fills me.
I know I'm not the only girl in the world. I'm not even the only girl in his world. But he never, ever lets me forget my place in his world.
When he tells me he's proud of the woman I am... every moment, no matter how badly I've stumbled... I know he adores every moment of our time together as much as I do.
Every girl deserves a Hugh. Even me... flawed, imperfect, ridiculous me. He is joy.

Sunday, March 23, 2014

It Was A Very Good Day

I do this thing when I'm in relationships...
And now that I'm in two... this thing I do is rather multiplied.

I get weird.

Well, anyone who reads this blog knows that.
I get restless... and trust me, it's not a restlessness with my men. It's that I fall so deeply in love that I just can't imagine that they feel the same way.

That first rush of love... when it's all new and shiny and exciting... I have a hard time getting past that stage in most of my relationships. And so I tend to sabotage them by getting weird.
And now I have these two men... these wonderful men who love me beyond measure and I very badly want both of these men to be in my world for a very long time.

So today was a good day.
My morning... well, early afternoon since I didn't roll out of bed until 11... was spent with my darling Mick. I have put this man through the ringer in our six weeks. Parts of it were incredibly painful, for both of us, but we needed it to come to understand each other. Our expectations and our needs.

And now we're in such an amazing place.
I got to spend my late afternoon with my Hugh. My shelter in the storm.

He's been a bit out of pocket as of late... that damn real life can creep up on us and steal us away... so being able to spend the time we had together today was heaven. The way he loves me steals my breath away.
In fact, the way both of these men love me steals my breath away. I know it sounds as if I'm bragging... but I'm not. I am so truly humbled and amazed by what I have with Hugh and Mick.

In past relationships in SL, I start to question things around the 2 month mark.
Why do they love me? Do they really love me? They can't possibly really love me. And, BOOM, I sabotage that shit.

You know what? I'm not going to do it this time.
I'm going to not just accept, but understand, that when the shiny newness wears off, it doesn't mean things are dying. It's an evolution. There is a strength in riding through the all the paths a relationship takes. A new, deeper intimacy. Something far more spectacular in its own quiet way than all the fireworks of those first few weeks.

I'm happier than I've ever been in SL. These two men fulfill me in ways I never dreamed possible in a virtual world.

I will not sabotage it this time, damn it.
And as if that weren't enough, my day ended by meeting someone new. Not a potential new boyfriend by any stretch of the imagination... but a man who seems to be a true dominant that could be someone to fulfill my, er... darker needs. Only time will tell with that one.

It was a very good day, indeed.

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