Have I changed?
I've been thinking a lot about this lately... especially now that I have a ring (well, two rings actually, but that's another story) on my finger. Mind you, it's not a formal partnership in the do-you-take-thee sense. There was no ceremony and no paying of the L$25 to the Linden gods. The rings are merely a symbol of what we mean to each other.. who we are to each other.
Best friends. God, how he makes me laugh... smile. I can't think of him without it bringing a goofy grin to my face. He's a man. Strong, confident... so self-assured. And though I'm perfectly capable of standing on my own two feet, it's absolutely the best feeling in the world to know he is always in my corner.
|Fulfilling a request...|
It just happened. I adore Hugh... and he fulfills me. I don't need to fuck anyone else.
But I worry... I'm not the same woman he fell in love with six months ago. Serene is hardly a word one could have used to describe me back then.
I was, sexually speaking, a free spirit. If it felt good, I did it. Even though I was partnered to Ark at the time, I banged whoever I wanted, whenever I wanted.
But I worry very much that I'm stifling him. And not just in a sexually promiscuous or polyamorous kind of way.
I have a life that affords me to be in SL pretty much anytime I want. I'm able to get in my SL alone time whenever... as well as the time to shop, decorate, go to shows, hang out with friends, etc.
In my (our) age demographic, this is pretty rare. I get all the time I need or want to explore and do whatever... most don't. Including Hugh.
He's not a complainer, though, so I worry that it's there, but going unspoken.
We talk pretty much about anything and everything... the one thing he doesn't talk about much is us. Oh, he is a master of words and never fails to fill my heart and soul with joy and love and I have no doubts that he means every single word of it. But we never really get into what, or who, we are as a couple. It's very undefined. I know how I see us... but I'm not sure how he sees us. What the boundaries are for either of us... if there even are any.
Mick got a snoot full of me and packed his bags and left SL without so much as a backwards glance. I know it wasn't all to do with me, and very much to do with what was going on in his real world, but it stung. It hurt my pride as much as anything.
And god, going way back to my days with Rob, he dumped my ass for smothering him. He's a supreme douchebag, though, and I was well to be rid of him. It still hurt to know that I was too much.
|Time to clean up...|
I've always been the imaginative sort, so I come up with a thousand scenarios for what is going on in other people's heads.
The other reason... god, the drudgery of getting out there and sorting through all the not-the-ones. It used to be fun, but once you've found him, who wants to start looking again to find more?
So yes, I've changed. I guess it doesn't have to be defined as better or worse... it just is. And I'm happy. I'm pretty damn sure he's happy, too.
I just have to keep reminding myself not to create drama where none exists. And this blog... this was created for me to work through things in my head. Typing it all out sometimes really does help me create order in the chaos that is my mind.
Life is good, life is good... life IS good...