Sunday, September 22, 2013

I Need To Be Committed

I'm pretty out there with my emotions. When I care about someone, I want to show it in every way I can... shout it from mountain tops, write it across the sky in big letters... or, in SL parlance, put it on my profile.

I adore my dude. He's a big strong alpha male. A manly man's man. Gives me shivers to think about.

However, as such, he's pretty stoic and reserved with his feelings and they way he expresses them. I have no doubt that he cares for me deeply and that in his heart, he's totally committed to me.

But he won't put me on his profile. Or a ring on my finger but that's a much bigger commitment and I fully support him not doing that until he's damn good and ready.

I'm hurt and disappointed, though, that I can't get a mention on his profile. How stupid is that? How very girly and hormonal and temperamental?

I own that. I accept it. I'm being unreasonable. He's so freaking wonderful in a billion different ways but he's just not a grand gesture kind of guy.

But I'm fucking awesome. I kind of feel like a deserve a grand gesture or two. Or at least some compromise.

So that's my struggle today. I'm working on it. Trying to evolve and accept. Lowering my expectations.

Fuck.

I guess I'll make my own grand gestures. Doesn't get much grander than an elephant, does it?


Friday, September 20, 2013

Swinging Through Second Life

So, as previously mentioned, my ass went and fell in love.

And as I also mentioned, I'm a very sexual person. As luck would have it, so it my dude.

I've never been good with monogamy and my SL is really no different, though now there is someone else that is always in the forefront of my mind. I adore him and, really, I suppose, I'd be perfectly happy if it was just the two of us. I get everything I need from him... but...

We just have to play.

With each other. With others. Sometimes alone, sometimes together. This is a new and different world for me... being in a relationship AND still having other sexual partners. And understanding that he still has other sexual partners.

It's hard. I admit, I struggle with some jealousy and he doesn't have that problem at all. I know I'm loved, but sometimes there's a little piece of me that thinks, "Gee, if he really loved me, he wouldn't want me sharing my body with others. And if he really loved me, he wouldn't feel the need to have sex with others."

On one hand, that's just stupid. Sex and love can be two separate things. When we first got together, we (and by we, I absolutely mean I) had some trouble with communicating thoughts and feelings. And, boy, did that cause the fuck up of all fuck ups! It's a bloody miracle the man took me back and I'm thankful for it every single day.

It sucked, being broken up. I mean, it was just awful. Miserable. I hated it... I missed him so much. But in a way, it might have been a blessing. We talked a lot, opened up a lot... I learned to open up, as hard as it sometimes is for me.

We stuck pretty close to each other when we got back together. There were some wounds that needed to heal and we needed to get ourselves back on really solid ground as a couple. We talked about having sex with others, but I think we were both afraid to do it, even though we knew eventually we would.

I'm a picky girl. I have no desire to fuck every man with a cock in Second Life. I need to actually like the person before I hop on pose balls with him. I think that's one of the fundamental differences between men and women. I'm not saying my guy is a man-whore, but... well, he's not quite as picky about his partners as I am.

And... it's truly much, much harder for guys to get laid in SL than it is women. Sure, he (or they) can go to all the big sex places but they're filled with noobs and men who, for some strange reason, get off on pretending they're women in SL. Finding a woman who is actually a woman and is also into free love isn't all that easy and I totally get that. Me? I can go pretty much anywhere and find a man willing to fuck. And I'm certainly not unique in that.

Problem is, I don't want to fuck just any guy. He's has to be smart. Funny. Has to have a rockin' avi. And no noob cocks. And the ability to type and emote. And not be sleazy. That's not so easy to find.

So... here we are finding our way through the world of Second Life swinging. I'm trying to find guys to have sex with that meet all those qualities. He's trying to find women that are women and aren't going to start talking about living happily ever after with him. And I'm battling jealously when I find him with some gorgeous woman who emotes better than I do and kind of wishing he'd get a little jealous every once in a while, too. I know I'm going to have to get over that... it's just who he is, and I love him.

Que sera, sera, right?

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