Sunday, September 6, 2020

Ready for It

I've set up my naughty little play area on Zindra and I love it. The region is Fazio. Again, no direct LM... I'd much prefer you approach from a distance instead of just popping in right in front of me. 

If I'm there, either I want to fuck, or I'm AFK and open for anyone to come do whatever they want with me. I'm wearing my collar. You may grab it and toss me on whatever piece of furniture you want to fuck me on. 

Sometimes I may be wearing a blindfold. If that's the case, I can barely see you. I don't know your name. A wonderfully anonymous fuck in every way. You don't need to message me, you don't need to ask. Just take. 

If I'm there, but unable to actively participate (fucking real life) I'll let you know by changing my expressions, or opening my tight little pussy for you. If I'm able to participate, you'll know. 

Wearing my Mama Allpa as well... go ahead and force me open. Take the risk if you'd like. I promise I won't hunt you down and demand child support. 

I've set up a tiny little bar in the front of the parcel. A couple tables, drinks, jukebox. You'll often find me dancing there. Feel free to enjoy anything and everything, even if it's not fucking me. There is a small lake... take a dip if you'd like. At the back, there are a couple little buildings with more seating, a bedroom, and a spa area. 

Still planning on adding a nasty little BDSM room up in the sky for those of you who like things a bit rough. I do adore pain. No humiliation or degradation, though. That'll get you booted. No scat. No death or dismemberment. No mutilation. This is about pleasure, and yes, I do love pain but that doesn't mean I don't demand respect. 

You'll know my mood by the music, parcel lighting (EEP is fucking cool as fuck), what I'm wearing, and what I'm doing. It may be soft and sensual, it may be dark and throbbing. 

I want you to use me. A couple of men have approached me with a bit of trepidation because they don't believe I'm honestly opening myself up for this.

Trust me, I am. Let me be your toy. 

Thursday, August 27, 2020

Fulfilling My Dirty Bucket List

Edit: I have changed this post since I now have land on Zindra exclusively for fucking any and all. Instead of my mainland house, you can find me on Zindra in the Fazio region.

Hello lovelies!

I'm sure many of you think I've done all the filthy things it's possible to do in Second Life, but I actually haven't. There are some things I'd love to try but either haven't had the courage to do it, or the opportunity. 

  • I want to be gangbanged, but I've never found a group of men who will respect me and not just act like jackasses that don't worry about whether or not I orgasm. I want the gangbang to be about my pleasure, as well as the gentlemen involved.
  • I want to be in an orgy. This one is harder than it sounds because I get absolutely turned off by people who emote poorly, and I don't want the action to be controlled by one person. If I'm with someone, or several someones, and I'm enjoying myself, I don't want someone to suddenly hit the swap button and find myself with someone I'm uninterested in right before I'm about to squirt all over my fingers, or whatever toy I've got between my thighs. Just like in a real orgy, permission should be sought, but it's also no fun if it's just couples or people who don't ever want to switch. 
  • I want to put myself on display for free use of anyone who wants to fuck me. 
  • I want to try AFK sex, both being the AFK party, and being the one who climbs on top of an AFK man and uses him for my pleasure.
  • I want to go to a BDSM playground and open my RLV for everyone so I can get fucked and beaten and used and tossed around until I'm crying, cumming, covered in welts and bruises, and utterly destroyed.
  • I want to find a group of people, both men, women, and trans, who are all into quality, as well as quantity, when it comes to lovers. A group that gets together in a large group, or smaller groups, for sex parties.

One of these I'm attempting me fulfill now. Well, two actually, but combined into one. 

I've always wanted to try the AFK sex thing, more as a curiosity thing than anything else. I have a feeling, though, that going to an AFK sex place and plopping myself down would result in approximately nothing happening because I have no idea if anyone actually even visits those places. I think it would end up being terribly disappointing. This is also NOT a commercial venture. I don't want, or need, your money. This is about pleasure.

The other is making my body available for free use - not necessarily AFK, but actually as an active participant in having strangers use me in any way they wish. To allow myself to be completely at their mercy, and to do anything they desire. 

With the pandemic, I'm now working from home almost exclusively, which means I can be logged into SL all day long. A few weeks ago, a little sliver of land came up for sale next to my mainland parcel so I snapped it up. It's weirdly shaped, and my parcel has no water access, so I built a water-filled rock quarry in the cliffs using that land, and I love how it's turned out. I'm still working on it, but it's coming along nicely.

And, of course, all the floats and furniture I've decorated it with are adult. No matter what I'm sitting or sprawling on, anyone could come along and fuck me. I do need to put out some things for woman on woman action (I'm an equal-opportunity fuck) as well as some group sex things.

So I'm going to tell you where to find me. If I'm in the quarry, I want to be used. Don't worry... parcel privacy is turned on. No one can see us unless they enter the property as well, and if they do, that's on them when they get an eyeful.

This fulfills two of my fantasies if this works. First, of course, is making myself free for anyone to use. 

Secondly, since I'm technically working my real job, I may or may not actually be there, so I can indulge in my AFK fantasies. I may be watching but unable to participate due to being in a Zoom meeting. The only sign that I might actually be watching us is if I open my mouth when I see you want to fuck my throat. You may see my facial expressions change. My pussy might get a little creamy and spread for your use, or my asshole. Or I might not be there at all, and come back to find myself all wet and messy and gooey with your cum. I may be able to be an active participant and fuck you right back. 

Is there already someone else there? Take a seat and watch, or join in if I'm on something that allows for threesomes or moresomes.

Before I tell you where to find me, I do have a couple of requests. If I'm on my property, but not at the quarry, please leave me be. My house is only for me and those I invite. If I'm AFK, I won't be able to stop you, but if I'm there, you'll get banned and kicked. I'm working on subdividing the quarry, but for some reason it's not working for me right now. 

Feel free to take pics, but please show them to me before you post them anywhere, and I will do the same. No one shows up on my Flickr or in this blog without me asking for permission first. Please show me the same respect.

Finally, no, we don't need to be friends. If you extend the offer, I'm going to decline it. This is about strangers fucking like raw, wild, primal animals. Not to say you can only visit once. Feel free to stop by use me whenever your dick is hard, but we're likely not going to be friends. I keep my list very small. It's nothing personal, I promise.  

My place is on the mainland continent of xxxxx, and my region is xxxxx. I don't own the entire region, but I do have a nice chunk of it and should be easy to find. I'm not giving you a LM to make it too easy - where's the fun in that? 

Oh, and if I'm not around at all? Please feel free to enjoy any of the amenities, including the house. There are several bars scattered around, and a paddock with horses that you may ride. Don't worry if you ride off my land - either just ride them back when you're done, or if you lose them, I can find them. The only horse that isn't available to anyone is Buttercup. She's all mine.

I posted this offer a couple of days ago on Flickr, and one gentleman proved brave enough to come see if my offer was actually valid. I do believe he enjoyed himself quite a bit - we both did. I was able to join in, and we fucked like crazy. Several wicked orgasms for me, and at least one for him that was so good it made him shout in RL. 

References are available if you want to know just how good I am. There are also plenty of men who can verify that I'm truly a woman - they've both heard and seen me. Make no mistake - I am no whore. I'm a sexually open, sex positive, grown-ass woman. If you stop by and start calling me derogatory names or treating me poorly, you're going to get a ban, and likely an absolutely emasculating verbal ass-kicking as well. I don't unsheathe them very often, but I do have claws. 

I am SLT +3, and will normally be around from 9-5ish my time, so 6-2 SLT. 

So what are you waiting for? This is your invitation to fuck me. Don't ask, just take. Use me. Cum in any or all of my holes. Coat me with it. Leave me sated and sloppy.

I promise... I want this. I want you to do this. I wouldn't be making this offer if it wasn't serious. I may withdraw it sometime in the future, but for right now, I want you to fuck me. 


Sunday, July 19, 2020

It's not Black & White

This is going to be an odd sort of blog entry. It's about sex, with the dirty pictures to go along with it, but it's also about a bigger topic, and one I'm probably maybe going to get a little hate for. 

That's never stopped me before, though, has it?

This is my friend C. 
Gorgeous, isn't he? Okay, I know you can't see too much of him in this pic, but I was more focused on having his face between my thighs than having his face in a pic. 

I'm going to be very honest here - C is the first Black man I've fucked in Second Life. 

There is a reason for that, but it's probably not the reason one would first assume when reading that previous statement.
He was very good at this, by the way. Extremely good. Incredibly good. 

Anyway, the reason I've never fucked a Black man in Second Life is because when I encounter Black men in Second Life, I generally assume that they're actually white guys. 
And I do think that's a fair assumption. I would say, hanging out in sex-focused regions, that 95% of the Black men I've met are so obviously white men living out some weird hyper-stereotypical BBC Black bull fantasy, and I find that both ridiculous and offensive. 

It's like the only Black men they have to base their "characters" on are in porn, and they've just gone through and ticked off every checkbox of the typical porn big Black bull with a big Black cock. 
They max out their sliders... tall as possible, broad as possible, muscular as possible, and then they buy their cock, and max that the fuck out, too, and it's just... well, quite frankly, it's stupid as hell.

And I know that there are women out there who are attracted to that, and some of those women are white, but for most white women, and the white men in Black avatars, it's not about attraction. They have fetishized Black men based on porn - bad porn at that. 

And I think that's wrong.
Look! He actually fits in my mouth!

Don't get me wrong - I love a nice big fat cock, but there is a point, especially within the limits of SL, where it becomes just asinine. It fits in no mouth, and it sure as hell doesn't fit in a snatch or an ass, not without causing damage that would send a woman to the hospital with torn lips. Mouth lips AND hoo-ha lips!

And I love me some pain, but c'mon... 
C is the first Black man I've gotten to know in SL where it never once occurred to me that he was actually a white guy. There is nothing overblown about him. He didn't have that trying-too-hard-to-act-and-look-Black aura that most have. 

I don't want to fuck a stereotype. I don't want to fuck a pasty-faced white guy pretending to be a big Black stallion who has absolutely zero knowledge of big Black stallions other than some shitty low-budget porn. 

And that's why I've never fucked a Black man until I met C. I felt none of that, "Oh hell, it's another nerdy white dude that wants to jack off to live action BBC porn."

In fact, the only thing I asked him related to his SL look versus his RL look was asking if he's a Black ginger in RL. 

He's an awesome man. I'm not one of those white people who claim to not see color - of course I see color (and so do all those other white folks who say they don't). I know he's black and I know his history and culture is different from my history and culture - but it doesn't have to be something more than that. 
He's a hell of a fun ride. 

I'm attracted to people. That is to say that I'm attracted to who a person is, and there are a lot of things going on in my brain and my hormones that make me aware that I find a person attractive. Yes, physical attraction is important, but it's only one slice of a gigantic cake. That person could be white, Black, Asian, Hispanic, Native American, or any of a thousand different cultures we have on this big old planet of ours. When a person makes up their mind that they are only physically attracted to a certain race or culture, and is unable look beyond that, that is a problem. 

(I'm going to get people with standard avatars coming after me for saying that, because I won't fuck people who aren't mesh in SL, and yes, I've been in arguments with people who say that's racist. Fuck off with that nonsense.)

A month or so ago, I got involved in a bit of a heated debate on the SL forums. I've broken my addiction to the forums, by the way. I finally stepped back and realized how toxic they are. 

But anyway, this debate was one of many recent ones regarding race, and the question came up about white folks with Black avatars, and whether or not that counts as blackface. 

I had to think a long time about this. 
Second Life is supposed to be anything we want it to be, right? Your world, your imagination.

So... having an avatar that is a different race than your RL race is... okay? Is it different if it's a white person with an Asian avatar, or a Black person with a white avatar?

Is there a line between being acceptable and unacceptable? If so, where is that line?

I struggled with this. I lost a friend over this - well, partially this and partially because she wouldn't let go of the "all lives matter" trope no matter how many people tried to explain it. She has also had a Black avatar in SL, though she stopped using it a few months ago. When I "met" her (on the forums) I genuinely thought she was black. It didn't occur to me that she wasn't. 
When I discovered that she is actually white, it didn't bother me like it does with white men pretending to be Black, and I had to toss that around in my mind for a while, too. 

She explained how she just wanted to create a beautiful Black avatar, and she did. The look was gorgeous and realistic. She didn't give herself the stereotypical fat ass, with a tiny waist, and giant boobs, teetering on toothpick ankles that so many do - though, to be fair, that look isn't limited to race in SL.  I call that the Kardashian effect. 

Y'all... even Kim Kardashian doesn't look like Kim Kardashian. Without photoshop and at least three pairs of Spanx shaping that ass, she looks like every other pleasantly plump woman in America. 
Anyway, here's the conclusion I've come to, and I realize it's up to others to decide for themselves where the line is.

These white guys in SL portraying the stereotypes? That's blackface. Don't do that. You aren't playing a character - you are portraying and perpetuating a caricature. A race isn't a fetish, and fetishizing Black men, and women, too, is offensive. 

Second Life is not your minstrel show. 

I truly believe that most people doing this are oblivious to what they're doing. Either they don't understand what a caricature is, or they've never actually spent much time around the Black community. And, of course, there are some jackasses who know exactly what they're doing and just don't care. 
Just a little break in the action...
I know someone somewhere is reading this right now with steam coming out of their ears. How dare I call what they're doing offensive, right? Meh. It's blackface and you're being racist and offensive. Do better. 

Anyway, C is definitely someone I will have sex with again. Hell, I already have. 
Round Two!
Enough about race, I think. It's time to talk about me! 😜

This is my Second Life now, and I'm truly loving it. It's not so much that I've even gone back to being my old self. I'm different now, the situation I find myself in is different.

In the past, though I was sexually open, I was also still constantly searching for a relationship. 
I had such a magical relationship with Hugh, and I always wanted something to... well, not replicate it, because every relationship is different, but to fill a gap in my life that was left open and raw after his departure.

And I found it twice and had two more amazing relationships with the most amazing men. 

And right now? I am so not looking to jump into another relationship.
That's not even a conscious decision on my part. I just realized that I was having a lot of fun with several men, and I was reluctant to even accept friend requests from them afterwards. 

Even that small thing feels like too much of a commitment to me in a few ways. I've always wanted people to use the calling card system in SL for casual friendships, and keep the actual friend list to just a few people, but the greater population of SL rejected that idea. 

As a result, I've had a couple of awkward conversations with men recently. Some I've refused, and some I've accepted, or even offered, with the caveat that I likely won't answer IMs some of the time, or even a lot of the time. 
If I'm with someone else, I don't answer IMs. I think it's rude, like taking a phone call in the middle of dinner. Whoever I'm with deserves my full attention. The other thing is being an introvert. I love my alone time in RL (which I'm getting plenty of these days working from home until people START WEARING THEIR FUCKING MASKS SO WE CAN GET THIS GOD DAMN VIRUS UNDER CONTROL, YOU SELFISH NO-MASK JACKASSES) and I also love my alone time in SL to shop, take photos, work on my new look, decorate, write a blog entry, whatever. 

I want to fuck when I want to fuck, and I want to be left alone pretty much the rest of the time... lol.
I love people. I love most everyone, but I can only do one on one time in small doses before I find myself itching to be somewhere else doing something else. 

I'll never be a social butterfly. I've been hitting up clubs and adult regions lately because I'm looking to get laid. Maybe it's because of the virus, but I do feel like the quality of men has gone up since my year long hiatus from sex. I'm not having the same trouble I used to have finding men who I found attractive - physically and intellectually. 

That's a good thing - maybe the only good thing about Covid. I'm just hoping they stick around once we finally beat it into submission in two or three years (by the way the US is handling it). 

C is definitely one of the good ones. Attractive, intelligent, funny, able to make me cum multiple times. He made it onto the real friends list, and I'm absolutely keeping him there. 😉

Wednesday, July 8, 2020

Coming Attractions

Hello, lovely people! I'm so excited to announce a couple of things today!

All of this is in the very preliminary stages, so much more to come as I learn what the hell I'm doing!

I've always been interested in making Second Life videos but, because I'm me, not like the ones you see on YouTube. I want to make erotica... sexy, sensual, quality adult videos that aren't like the bom-chica-bow-wow videos most pornographers make for SL (or RL for that matter). Not that there is anything wrong with those, but I've always imagined mine to be a bit more intimate. Me, with my actual lovers, having sex. Or me alone, masturbating. My voice... no cheesy voice-dubbing, no unrealistic moans and goofy ass baby talk about "Oooooh... your cock is SO BIG!" 

My voice, my lover's voices... having real orgasms together.

I've always been way too impatient to learn the software and learn how to edit. Guess what? I've learned! I'm still a noob, and need a lot of practice at both filming and editing. 

I made my first attempt, though, almost by accident. I was playing/practicing with camera angles, etc., and filming myself masturbating and a friend stopped by. Things happened. I ended up with a few little clips that I liked a lot, so I used them to make my first little short video.

I have to admit, the nervousness I felt when I hit the upload button was odd for me. For years and years, I've put pictures of myself from every possible angle on Flickr for everyone to see, and I've opened myself up in a hundred different ways, emotionally and mentally, here on this blog. I've shared joy and pain, my (winning!) battle with depression, my love life, mourning for my father, my brother, a lot of thoughts and opinions about SL, and tons of sexually explicit material. I never hesitated to share myself with everyone. 

But putting this tiny little video out there for the world to see freaked me out a little bit. I don't know that it was the visual content as much as the audio content that scared me. This is my voice. This is me. 

This is me having an orgasm. 

Even editing the video, listening to myself climaxing over and over felt so strange. I don't think anyone actually likes the sound of their own voice in recordings, right? I was hyper-conscious of every flaw - my southern accent, my slight lisp when I make "ess" sounds, the pitch, the tone, the realness... and in the end, that's why I left it as is. It's real. I didn't apply any effects or try to change it in any way. That's what I sound like having an orgasm, so... yeah.

Anyway, here it is. My debut adult video. Please be kind!

Of course, I've already had one comment from a man complaining because my friend didn't "shot(sic) in my face." Comments like that from anyone, anywhere piss me off. I think, perhaps, that's one of the reasons why I want to do this. 

If you wouldn't walk up to a woman in the real world in public and say it, then don't say it online, either. Because if you said that to me in public in the real world, I'd punch you right in the family jewels.

Too many men are watching too much porn where the women are treated just abysmally. I can be sexually submissive, but I have never gone in for any degradation or humiliation. When I see that, it's a red-flag to me that this is a woman who has dealt with abuse - either currently or in her childhood. There is nothing sexually arousing about that. Treating women like shit should not be a sexual fetish, and far from a fetish, it's becoming the norm in a lot of porn.

And men without a lot of real world sexual experience see those videos and think it's okay to treat women that way. It isn't. This isn't me kink-shaming - this is me saying treat women, all women, with respect. 

So yeah, that's part of why I want to make porn/erotica. They're educational videos. 😋

And don't even get me started on the fake "family" porn that is all the rage these days... WHAT THE FUCKING FUCK?! I could do an entire blog entry about how horrifying that is to me. Another time, perhaps.

But wait... there's more!

So the big streaming platforms hypocritically want no part of Second Life because people do dirty things, as if they don't do dirty things in other video games, not to mention the violence which, in my opinion, is far more harmful than adults having adult sex. Regardless, I went searching for a streaming platform that will allow Second Life adult content, and I found one called Picarto. It's made especially for creatives *nudge, nudge, wink, wink* and not camgirls, though I guess this makes me a virtual camgirl.

This is my channel:

I'm going to start livestreaming. Not the boring things, like shopping and decorating, and all that crap - unless people specifically request it - but the sexier side of SL. The dirty side. Me, friends, exploring... having sex. Having fun doing those things we all do. To be honest, I've never really watched any streamers. I'm not into video games and have zero desire to watch someone shooting and killing and whatever it is people do in those games. 

Makes it pretty obvious, I'm not a Millennial, eh?
So I'm just going to be winging it. 

And, no, I won't be charging anyone. This is for fun, not profit, so don't worry that I'm going to start demanding tokens from you!

The other thing I would LOVE to do is start an adult SL weekly talk show with guests. I'd love to interview the owners of the big adult regions and clubs, people who are active in the adult side of SL, and possibly even snag a Linden or two for a chat about adult Second Life and any plans for the future.

What do you guys think? I want to hear from you to know if these are things anyone is interested in. I can do it all alone, but what fun is that? I'd love to hear the type of things you'd like to see in a Second Life talk show made for the more adult side of SL.

As always, thank you for supporting me and this goofy little blog of mine for all these years! Some of you have been here since day one, and I'm always so wonderfully surprised when I run into someone inworld who tells me they read this thing. I adore every single one of you! 💖

Sunday, July 5, 2020

Ain't No Fashion Statement

If you know me at all, you know I'm not afraid to speak my mind. I realized this morning that I'd hadn't made my stance clear on this topic in Second Life

I might be a bit late with this, but it's also a good time to remind everyone that just because the media isn't covering it like they were a month ago doesn't mean the fight is over. 

This is a war that is nearly 500 years in the making. 

I live in Breonna's city. Protests are still happening 24 hours a day. The police have tried to stop the protests without success. My city has been infiltrated by white nationalists posing as protesters. Cops have shot thousands of rounds of pepper bullets and lobbed hundreds of tear gas canisters at protesters. People have died. David McAtee. Tyler Gerth

This movement is not going to stop. 

People ask what white allies can do. I've heard people ask if the Black community even want help from their allies. 

They do. 

I've always considered myself to be fairly enlightened. I was raised by parents, but especially my mom, who had absolutely no tolerance for racism or bigotry. I have always been aware of racial inequities that still exist. I've learned something new in the last couple of months, though.

I've learned that I don't know shit. 

Listening to Black friends and coworkers, hearing their stories and experiences, has taught me that they still, in the year 2020, face racism every single day. It isn't something that happens every so often. The rare day is the day they don't encounter it, not the day they do. 

That is heart-breaking to me. It is unacceptable to me. The status quo has to change. And I believe that it can change. I believe it is different this time. I don't know why - perhaps it is the incontrovertible video of a Black man being murdered, that 8 minutes and 46 seconds of absolute proof that a white cop, with the assistance of other cops, killed a black man. Watching that video is hell. The feel of helplessness, of being absolutely impotent to stop what is happening before our eyes, is life-changing. Something about that video of that murder, that snuff film, that woke something up inside the white community that has been awake in the Black community for 500 years or so. 

If you can see the video of George Floyd being slowly executed and walk away without the unshakable knowledge that his Black life did not matter to that white cop, you've got your head buried in your butt and it's time to pull it out. 

So, yes, I do sincerely believe this time is different. And though the ferver in the media has died down, the momentum has not stopped. We mustn't let it stop. 

We need to stand beside our Black sisters and brothers. We can hold them up when they are tired, and when they need to rest we can stand up for them. 

And that is absolutely the very least we can do, because there is so much more. One of the most important things we can do is to acknowledge that though it is a problem for Black people, it was not caused by Black people. White people are responsible for this so it should be our damn job to fix it. 

We can not only listen to Black voices, but actually hear them. So often white allies find themselves acting first, then learning that what we've said or done is harmful rather than helpful without meaning to. 

I'm not able to physically join the protesters. In this heat, my fat white ass would end up in a sweaty, pale passed-out heap on the ground and that helps no one. I've found other ways to help. I asked, and I learned. 

These are not the only things we can do - this is simply what I'm doing, and I hope it gives you some ideas of what you can do as well.

Firstly, I'm giving cash. I work for a nonprofit in fundraising and I understand the importance of having that funding. This is something that I can easily do, and it doesn't have to be a lot - trust me, I'm not giving hundreds. $5, $10, $20 can make a world of difference when a thousand people give that amount, so please never think you don't have the money to donate. Think about what you spend in Second Life - can you go without buying the fatpack, or the 10th new mesh head in order to throw a couple bucks at an organization in your city supporting this fight? Of course you can. Seriously, if you've got $5, you can make a real difference. Fundraising is my life, and while the big fat donations of thousands of dollars are great, our bread and butter are the people just like us - the people who give $5 or $10 every once in a while. Those are the donations we depend on. 

Secondly, since I can't be at the protests I monitor police radio traffic instead. I have a nice little app on my phone and if I hear the police planning to disrupt a protest, I contact someone on the ground who relays the message to the protest leaders so they can move the march in another direction, or at least know what is coming at them. Forewarned is forearmed. 

Thirdly, I've joined our diversity committee at work. I don't have much to say about that because I'm not educated enough in the activities to speak on it yet. 

Fourth, I'm using my voice. Loudly. No one is exempt from my voice - not family, not friends, not coworkers, and that extends into SL as well. If you ever visit the official Second Life forums, you've probably gotten sick of me speaking so loudly. There is a BLM flag flying above my house on the mainland. I'm happy to debate or argue with anyone who comes along and tries to shout, "All lives matter!" in my face. I'm tenacious and when I dig my stilettos in on a topic that I am absolutely waveringly certain on, I don't stop until I can make the other person see things differently, hopefully, or they run away screaming. 

I've succeeded in both. I've had people tell me that arguing solves nothing and sways no one. They're wrong. When you tackle an issue with another person, there is often a moment when you finally spit something out that clicks. 

And those who run away screaming? Those are the ones who were never going to change their minds. They are the ones who cling to their own unwavering faith that all lives matter (of course they do), and the confederate flag is about heritage, and Donald Trump is the messiah. 

If you're unable to comprehend why we do not say "all lives matter" and are unwilling to learn, and you run from the discussion, and think I'm a big ol' meany, well... honestly, tough shit. You're going to be left behind. Hell, Mississippi is changing their state flag - if that can happen, anything is possible.

The other way I'm using my voice is by letting my police department, my mayor, my governor, my city council members, my state representatives, and the local and state police unions know my feelings quite bluntly, and often, and in a variety of ways. Twitter, FB, email, text, phone calls, letters... any way I can find to reach out to them and let them know that I demand change. That I pay their salaries with my taxes. That they answer to the public, and I am Jane Q. Public. In some cases, I'm using my real name. In some cases, such as with the police unions, I'm using an alias. I've no doubt that "Beth Macbain" has been run through NCIC more than once recently. The police don't like me very much right now. 

IDGAF. I don't like them every much, either.  

The final thing I do, and possibly the most important thing I do, is VOTE. In every single election no matter how big or how small. Vote! Vote, vote, vote, vote, vote!

It is not just your right - it is your duty. 

I don't care of the only thing on the ballot is the race for city dog catcher (and that's actually an incredibly important position), I will cast my ballot come hell, high water, or a pandemic. 

Nothing will stop me, and there is nothing that should stop anyone from voting, no excuses. Your employer is legally bound to give you time off to vote (Election Day should be a national holiday, damn it) and if you don't have a car, Uber and Lyft give free rides on Election Day. 

I think back on the last two elections my father was able to vote in before he died. For the next-to-last one, he had a broken hip and had just had surgery. Getting him to the polling place is a long story, and it wasn't easy, and it was horrifically painful for him, but there was no way in hell he wasn't going to vote. If I hadn't taken him, he would have tried to walk with that broken hip. His last election, it just wasn't possible to take him. He did an absentee ballot and took immense pleasure in voting for a woman over Trump. He was upset when Trump won, but by God, he'd done his part. 

If he can do that, you can do that, too. You simply must vote. Please. If I need to beg you to, I will. If I have to call a taxi and pay for it for you, I will. If I need to call your boss and explain their legal obligations, I will.

Just, please, vote. 

It's life or death for many, and that is not hyperbole. Who we put in office affects the lives of every single one of us, and in today's climate, it is more important than ever to get your ass to the polls. We have got to have police reform, and that is going to start on the local level, not the national level. We have to end qualified immunity for cops. We have to take the power away from the thugs that hold leadership positions in the police unions. We have to stop them from shielding bad cops, and from putting targets on the backs of good cops who blow the whistle. 

This starts with who is in office. 

Remember, remember, the first Tuesday of November...

It's a big one this year. Trump simply has to go. And in Kentucky, we are desperately trying to help our nation by finally getting rid of Mitch McConnell. 

Vote as if lives depend on it - because they do. Black lives, and yes, white lives, too. 

But seriously, y'all... Black people are targeted every single day of their lives. Of course all lives matter, but to a great many (white) people, a lot of them holding a badge, Black lives do not matter. They've shown us this thousands of times in thousands of ways. We have got to send the message that this will not be tolerated. We have to unify, and we have to vote, and we have to drive those racists who persist in being awful humans into the light for all to see, and we have to show them that their kind are not going to win this war. And we have to do this because...

Black Lives Matter.

Saturday, July 4, 2020

Be Beth

That's advice for me, by the way... not you. You be you, because you're already fucking awesome just the way you are.

No, "be Beth" is my new mantra. Should have been my old mantra. Should have always been my mantra. 

I joined Second Life to be able to have the kind of open sex life that isn't possible in the real world. That is the reason I signed in for that first time more than a dozen years ago. Since then those reasons have morphed and evolved, but sex has always been in integral part of it. 

In those early days, early years even, it never occurred to me that people could, and would, fall in love. It never occurred to me that it would happen to me, but of course it did. I've fallen in love many times in SL, said the words, even took the vows a couple times. I meant it when I said it, and most of them I still care for a great deal (and a couple that can fuck right the fuck off) but looking back, there have been three that will live in my heart forever. 

These three men have very little in common, but each of them taught me so much about myself. 
First was Hugh, of course. He was the first man in my life to not only accept and understand my appetites, but fully encouraged them. He gave me wings and urged me to fly, knowing that he'd always be my safe landing point for as long as it was possible. 

And there was Finn. I actually knew him prior to knowing Hugh, but we didn't fall until after Hugh left. He showed me, and has for something like a decade now, that there is a bond there that won't be broken. We're friends now, and not anything more - he's in love with another now and happiness is everything I want for him.  He gave me unconditional love and encouraged me to step outside my comfort zones and explore new things. 

And then came this most recent gentleman, and "gentle man" is the perfect description of him. We were private and I won't name him. He's not given me that permission and I respect and love him enough to honor that. He gave me stability and consistency in a crazy world. He anchored me. Perhaps I needed that at the time. My world completely changed with him, and while that happened, the real world completely changed as well. Instead of being sexual with him, I was able to be controlled. Not by him, but by myself. Being with him meant I had to have the discipline to keep my sexuality tamed. I'm still turning it all over in my mind. He showed me a different part of Second Life. He opened my world in so many ways while keeping me safe and secure.

I knew from the day I found out that sex was off the table that there would be problems. I truly thought that I could move beyond it. To have an intimate relationship with him that didn't involve orgasms. And I might have, but there was also the issue, and need for, extreme privacy. I never met any of his friends, he never met any of mine. Our time together was nearly always completely private, and that was necessary. No one needs to know the reasons for that, and I can almost guarantee that it's none of the reasons you're thinking of. Still, though, it got harder and harder. We knew many of the same people. The problem was that I didn't know who those people were we had in common, and none of them knew he and I were together, and he didn't really share with me when he knew someone unless I explicitly asked. I felt like I was constantly tiptoeing through a minefield - one misstep and everything could explode. 
He has a beautiful soul, though. He one of the kindest people I've met in an anonymous virtual world when people can be jackasses without much consequence, and insanely intelligent and well-read. I don't think we ever discussed any topic that he didn't have at least some knowledge of. He was, and is, a sweetheart. 
I did what I needed to do for myself in ending things, but that doesn't mean I enjoyed doing it. It really hit me hard last night... just a sudden wave of sadness for what's gone. I let go of a really good man. One of the best men. I'm not proud of that or happy that I may have hurt him. The thought of him being in pain crushes me, but I had to be free. I have to be free. To be Beth.

At first, I was intensely sexually attracted to him. I thought that over time, he'd come to feel that way for me as well. That's the idealistic Pollyanna in me. Having my advances rejected time and time again, though, left me gun-shy. I began to feel undesirable... I quit blogging and mostly quit taking pictures because I didn't feel sexual. I even quit masturbating for a while. I wasn't able to get myself off. I'd try, and it wouldn't work, nothing would work, and I got frustrated and just stopped trying. My sexual attraction to him, and pretty much everyone else, died. 

Me. Sexually dead. I was just... I don't know, going through the motions of being myself, but I wasn't being me at all. In the beginning, I'd wear sexy clothing and lingerie... by the end, I was wearing sweats or jeans. There was no point in trying to look good for him. He didn't even notice. I knew talking about sex made him uncomfortable so I quit trying. He put up the big stop sign and I stopped trying to get around it. 

I gave up. 

It affected my real life, too, because when I love someone, it doesn't end when I log out of SL. I stopped caring about what I looked like in real life as well as Second Life. Makeup? Why bother? I lived in leggings and a big oversized shirts for a year. Kept my hair tied back in a ponytail instead of taking it down and styling it. Gained weight - and I wasn't a small woman to begin with. 

I became a shadow of myself at the ripe old age of 50. That happened as well during my long absence. I turned 50, and put on a brave face in RL and SL, but it affected me more than I wanted to admit for a long time. I hit that magic number and became the stereotypical frumpy 50 year old woman. 

I didn't like myself very much - or at all. I know myself and my depression well enough to know the signs of oncoming darkness. My doctor and I changed, added, and modified my medications. Hormones added for menopause, and some massive adjustments to my antidepressants. The hormones stopped the freaking hot flashes and mood swings, and I started having periods again (god damn it!) but the adjustments to the other meds didn't really do anything. I found a psychiatrist to deal with those particular meds instead of my GP, knowing he'd be better equipped with psychiatric knowledge. With him, I'm going through a slow process of weening off what I'm currently taking to start something completely new. 

It started to become more and more obvious that I wasn't being true to myself in the relationship I had. I am a 50 year old, but damn it, I'm not a frumpy 50 year old. In reality, my birthday was just a day on the calendar and nothing changed. I'm still Beth - sexually-open, free-spirited, and in control. 

In order to continue my journey back to being who I am, I knew I had to end my relationship. I dreaded it. I delayed it. I acted like everything was just fine with him. I hated doing it... hated it. Every word. Every lame attempt at an explanation. Type, erase, type, erase... put it off for another day... start all over... type, erase, type, erase.

When I finally hit the send button, I felt both fear and exultation because the sense of being free washed over me. I could be myself again. It wasn't a matter of being like Beth. I am Beth.

I am Beth. 

Maybe I had to stop being Beth for a while to truly fall back in love with myself? To be able to step outside of myself... and look at her, me, really look.  

I fucking rock. Every flaw, every inch, inside and out. I'm a bad ass boss of a woman. I am extraordinary when I stop trying to hold myself in, or hold myself back. 

That's not vanity or narcissism. Trust me, I see the flaws. They make me who I am. 

To quote my girl T-Swizzle (and my adoration of Taylor Swift has been the one constant... lol), "I'm the only one of me, baby, that's the fun of me..."

Je suis calme. Je suis Beth. Vive Beth!

I suppose it's only fitting that I'm posting this on Independence Day - a day when we Americans celebrate our freedom from British rule, and much like my feelings about American independence, I'm conflicted. Oh, sure, it was the right thing to do but being on your own is scary. 

Ending a relationship is never easy - it shouldn't be easy. If you care enough about a person to have started a relationship with them, you should care enough about them to suffer when it's time for it to end. This isn't a decision I made lightly, and even though I've been, er... let's just say a bit wild for the last few days (yes, there are tons more photos coming, but not appropriate for this entry), I get a little (or a lot) weepy when I see his name. I've got a message from him right now that I can't bring myself to read because when I saw it pop up on my phone, I started crying. 

And that's okay. His presence in my life had a profound effect on me, and his absence does as well. Right now, thinking about him hurts. I know time will heal and I'll be able to focus on those great times with him, and there were plenty, and hopefully continue our friendship.

But for today, I'm letting myself feel the melancholy and uncertainty that comes with any big change, even if it was the best of changes. There is always some sadness... some mourning... for the past that has been lost, and knowing you can't go back. 

I have to be Beth, though. I have to. I am. I'm the only me I've got. 

Thursday, July 2, 2020

Bitch is Back

Okay, no one else can call me a bitch. Only me. And I'm really not a bitch, but it's a great song, isn't it?

So, yeah, this not-a-bitch is back. 

I've been in a relationship with an incredible man for a bit over a year. A completely non-sexual relationship.

I know, right?

But love is love is love, and that was enough for me for a while. By the time I realized it wasn't going to be enough forever, I was already in far too deep. The very last thing I wanted to do was to hurt this amazing guy. 

I am who I am, though, and I think everyone knew this but me. Masturbating alone couldn't keep me satisfied. I need to be the woman I am, the intensely sexual, perpetually aroused Beth. 

And that's enough about that. I'm not delving into everything that went into that relationship or how it ended. I owe him that... and much more. 

Anyhoo... yeah. It's time to get back in the swing of things. I'm out of practice. I'm especially out of practice at taking good action shots in the midst of getting nailed. 
This is my new friend... I'll call him BG. I met him last night when I was out catting around. He's not the first guy I dipped my toe back into the deep end with - it's been a rather exciting few days! But BG was kind enough to allow me to post the not-so-great pics from our little liaison last night. 

I love mature men. Give me a guy in his late 40s and 50s, and I'm a happy woman. I didn't asked BG his age, but his avatar is nicely aged and most young guys don't do that. I spotted him at a new place, and found him attractive immediately.
Not gonna lie - I made the first move. I waited for him to approach me for a bit, and then decided to take the bull by the horns. I've always shied away from making the first approach in the past, mainly because I come on strong when I see what I want, and I've found it intimidates men - they think I'm one of them. 

Those of you who've known me for a while know I'm most definitely a woman, and have been since birth. I just really like sex. And I've been tamping down that part of me for over a year. 

I have a lot of catching up to do.
Put me in this position and I'm going to cream on your cock every time. #facts 
There will be no relationships for me for a while. I know... famous last words coming from me, and there is that one man, but even if we got back together it would most certainly be an big fat wide open relationship.

I need my variety, and I need a lot of it right now. Long time readers know what I'm like when I seem to go into heat - amplify that by about a million and that's where I am right now.
BG was a lot of fun... a LOT of fun. We will definitely be doing this again. I love being man-handled, and I love rough sex. With it being our first time, and not knowing each other at all, there was a bit of hesitation on both our parts to get incredibly rough and dirty, but we rather spurred each other on, and then discussed it afterwards. 

He likes it rough and dirty, too. How can I not go back for more of that?

I've spent the last few days getting reacquainted with some old friends, and I'm looking very much forward to making a lot of new ones as well. 
So yeah... this is where I am right now. I feel free, and I feel light, and I feel damn good. 

Be expecting more from me, and this blog. I've missed doing this as well, but I haven't really had anything to write about for a long time. 

And gentleman, please feel free to reach out and touch... 


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