Saturday, November 5, 2016

Stop. Reset. Breathe.

I'm now being instructed to stop being mean on my blog.
Am I being mean? I dunno, maybe? In my eyes, I'm being truthful about how I view what's happening, and what has happened, in my world over the past few months.

There's a big part of me that wants to just say, hey, don't behave like an ass if you don't want to be called an ass. I haven't touched upon a tenth of the insanity that has been my Second Life in 2016. Also, anyone who knows me, or gets involved with me, knows I have this blog and that I don't just post pretty pictures. I use it as my journal and I've been using it that way for years.

And sometimes people don't like what they read.

And sometimes I don't like the way I've been treated.

So who's interests do I look out for? Mine or anyone else's?

Having a blog that is more than what I'm wearing today is a slippery slope. That's a lesson I learned years ago and I've been weighing the pros and cons of being an open book all along. I've lost friends because of things I've posted, but I've gained many others. I've edited posts, removed posts, added them back, some have stayed hidden away.

Honesty isn't always pretty. And every story has at least two sides and they're often diametrically different. But this isn't anyone else's blog but mine. My stories. My words. My experiences. My thoughts.

And no, no one gets to tell me what I can or cannot say.

People are certainly free to give their opinions, even their sides of the story if they want, but no one gets to censor me. One of the greatest things I've been told about this blog, time and time again, is that others wish they could be as open and honest as I am with my thoughts and feelings, my experiences.

I know that for every person that tells me that, there is someone else wishing they could shove a gag down my throat and shut me up. I know there is always another person out there that views what I've said in a different light, from their viewpoint.

This blog was no different when I was with Hugh. I posted things a few times that I know damn good and well he didn't really like, or that he wished I hadn't posted. You know how he handled it? With support, always. I would ask him about things and he never failed to tell me that he loved how I expressed myself and would never in a million years ask me to hold anything back ever. He loved the insight my blog gave him into me, good or bad. Because he understood me, and loved me, and he supported me always 100%. He wanted to know what was going on in my head.

He was really something special, you know? It's been almost a year now since he left Second Life, and my life, and he's still the Incomparable Hugh.

Perhaps I should have left SL when he did. It's certainly not been the same without him. Yes, there have been good times since then, but mostly I think I've just been chasing the dragon. I try and try and try, but it'll never be as good as my time was with him.

No one is ever going to live up to the standard he set. He left some big damn shoes to fill and I'll never settle for anything less than what I had with him.

I've tried not to compare every man I've met to him, but I'm not sure that's possible. Oh, I don't think that there is just one ideal person out there for me, or for anyone, but losing him was like the death of a spouse. We didn't have a falling out and break up because we weren't working anymore. One day he was there, the next he was gone through circumstances beyond our control, much like if he had been killed in a crazy accident that no one saw coming.

And I mourn for him. It still hurts sometimes, and I don't think of  him every day, but when I do, it's memories of just how good it was. How good a man he was. Even when things came up that frustrated either one of us, we worked through it together. There was nothing I could say to him that he didn't want to hear, that he wasn't open to listening to. That he took seriously and did everything in his power to see from my point of view. And when he was right, and I was wrong, he was so... gentle... in letting me figure it out for myself while he sat there, bemused, listening to me rant until I talked it all through and finally went, "oh shit,  you're right!" and then he would laugh and hug me and love me. And when he was wrong, he had the most beautiful ways of saying, "You are right. I never thought of it that way and I see how this made you feel."

God, I miss him.

What was this post about? Oh yeah, censoring myself.

No, I don't think I will. When I find myself not being able to say what I want to say, when I want to say it, that's when I'll just shut this down.

Is that time now? Maybe.

If the fact is that every SL relationship I have is going to be lacking because they aren't Hugh and can't live up to the bar he raised, maybe it is time to stop. It's not fair to any man I meet to go into it knowing that they aren't going to meet the standard he set.

Maybe they are a jackass... or maybe they're just not Hugh. Maybe I'm still too in love with Hugh to be able to see the difference and maybe it just isn't fair to speak on any of it since my view of what a relationship should be is modeled after the only two perfect relationships I've ever seen - my parents and my relationship with Hugh.

I don't know. And maybe until I figure that out it's best for me to just not post anything relationship related, even though I can't imagine even starting anything with anyone right now.

I just don't know.

Or maybe there are times when it's okay to just delete. To hit the reset button. To just be able to go, "huh... that was a mistake" and erase it all. To say, "that period of time... let's just move past it and pretend it wasn't there."

Wow... okay, I just did that. I purged my Flickr and I purged this blog.

That was kind of cathartic.

I took a wrong turn somewhere back around... May, maybe? And it sent me off into this weird vortex of behavior that never really felt comfortable to me.

It's silly to think I can just delete the past, right? Pretend it didn't happen? But why not?

Oh, I know it all still happened, but I don't have to be faced with it every day. I don't want to see the reminders of a time I wasn't happy and made some big mistakes all the time.

Okay. That never happened. BOOM.

Can I start over now? I know it isn't that easy. I can delete photos and blog posts but I can't delete that time or the memories.

Or the lessons I've learned. I got twisted up in all sorts of ways, and it's time to unfurl myself now. Alone, on my terms.

I'm hitting the reset button and putting the summer of 2016 behind me. It's there in the rear view mirror, but it's getting more distant with every passing mile.

Every passing smile.

Stop. Reset. Breathe.

How Am I?

How am I?

That's a question I've recently been asked a couple of times, so let me tell you. Or try to, anyway.
First off, I think that question depends on who you're asking... SL Beth or RL Beth.

The answer is very different for both. Really, for the first time since I joined SL as Beth Macbain and decided I was going to blend my worlds.
Let's deal with RL Beth first. I'm great!

I've recently made some changes in my real life, all for the good, thankfully. I'm not going to go into details, but I've taken care of some things that I let slide for a variety of reasons. There were some things I let get out of control, and I've taken them all back now and it's all firmly in hand.

So that's good.

All is well in Beth's real world and I'm feeling... energized.
But when it comes to SL Beth, it's a different story.

I'm angry.
Why? Because I can't seem to get back to the stuff that made me love SL so much. I got taken in by a con and I'm furious I fell for it. And did so much damage in the process that I'm being told that I've finally reaped what I've sown.

It's tainted my experience in this world that I love.
And I'm mad about that. And anger isn't an emotion I enjoy. It's exhausting and annoying. And absolutely pointless. I'm furious that my escape from RL has been sullied by a really shitty experience.

I want to shrug that off and I just can't seem to do it. Oh, it's not that I'm still hung up on or even spending much time at all thinking about him.
It's just that I log in now and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go to find the good guys, or even if I want to. Go dancing, go to a beach, go shopping... I don't know. Join an SL dating service??

Being alone isn't much fun. It's okay for playing adult barbie with myself or taking photos, but beyond that, meh. I could rip down my house and rebuild and redecorate, but... meh.

And I hate this feeling of Second Life ennui.

I love Second Life. I love the beauty of it, the uniqueness of it, the amazing people I've encountered over the years. I've seen kindness, experienced deep love, heard beautiful music, seen incredible art... Second Life is like nothing else. And I miss it, tremendously.
Maybe my... disinterest.. in SL has something to do with the changes in my real world. Things are kind of cool when you shut off the computer for a while. I don't know. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions. There is a big part of me that doesn't want to let go of this Second Life world I've belonged to for so long. And there's another part that thinks this is just the natural evolution of things. Second Life can't be forever, right?

But am I ready to shut the door on it? I still don't know.
I just don't know. I know I'd love to erase the last several months of SL. Not just the guy, but the behavior just before him, too. I think I'd like to roll it back to around the time I decided to open the club and just... not. Just go a different direction. Stay the woman I was when I was with Hugh. That was definitely my best me and I let myself get... cold, maybe? I've been called a narcissist twice recently... a narcissistic cunt, to be exact. That's certainly not an attribute I've ever attributed to myself, but maybe I became one and didn't even realize it?

Might need to do a bit more soul-searching on that front, but not tonight. I think it's time to step back into the real world again.

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