Saturday, May 28, 2016

Words, Words and Damn Words

Right now I'm upset... and when I'm upset, I blog. 
I'm dealing with something unexpected today.

Two things really, though both have come from the same person.

The first thing has me just gutted. It seems that this person overheard me say that I think all women are bitches.

Except I've never said that. I feel quite confident I've never said that. I have a big issue with the word "bitch". Hell, I've blogged about it before. I hate hearing men refer to women as bitches and I really hate when women refer to other women as bitches.

And even though I feel quite certain I never said that, I started to doubt myself. Did I say it? What were the circumstances? Was I stoned? Have amnesia? 

I save all chat logs. All local chat, all group chats, all IMs. So I hunted for this conversation this person could have possibly been referring to. Ctr+F bitch.

I scrolled through hundreds of instances of that word being used in my presence, and from my mouth. My logs go back to October when I replaced my hard drive. This was well before I started hanging out at the club this conversation was supposed to have taken place in.

I found one place where I called my dear Caitlin a bitch at this club. The context was in greeting someone new, and just a few days before Caity had been called a bitch by someone on her blog and we had been discussing that. I said something along the lines of "Everyone here is really friendly- except Caity. She's a bitch!" And followed it up with some laughter between me and Caity as well as my saying that Caity was the least bitchy person I know.

That is hardly me calling every woman a bitch. And that's the closest thing I could find in all my chat logs.

I told this person that I could find no record of it, and she still insisted that I said it. I asked her to please find it in her logs because I really wanted to see it. As I said, I was doubting myself. I'm certainly far from infallible and anything is possible.

Guess what? She couldn't find it, either.

English isn't her first language and I get that sometimes things get lost in translation. And when there is conversation happening in local chat and it's spinning by so fast, it's easy to miss things, or think you've clearly read something that you haven't.

And all that would be fine and good except that this person has told others that I said every woman is a bitch.

I also wondered why the other women at this particular club treated me so coldly. And now I know.

What's been done can't be undone. People believe what they hear.

And I'm really pretty fucking sad about it on several levels. I can't show my face in that club again now that I know what they all think of me. I've lost trust in someone I thought was pretty sweet. I know she didn't mean any harm. She thought she was repeating something she'd heard me say in public. But now I don't want to say anything to her in fear that it will be misconstrued... and spread.

Mostly I'm sad because anyone would think that I would use that word to describe the entirety of the female population. I'm mortified. It's not a small thing to me. I preach on this blog about expecting men to respect women, and women to respect women, and to not sink to the lowest common denominator and use that word.

So there are people who believe I'm not only that lowest common denominator for using the word, but also a hypocrite.

All because someone thought they heard me say something that I didn't.

The second punch in the gut I got from this person was that I'm offensive, in reference to my last blog post about men joining [ruined]. The gist of her sentiment was that I'm being too hard on men... expecting too much from them and not stroking their sensitive male egos enough. I'm scaring them away by not catering to their naturally conquering warrior spirit.

I came away from the conversation feeling that she believed that I needed to fill my club with willing, gorgeous, meek women for the men to come and pluck at will.

And there's that goddamn double standard again. Men are supposed to be strong and sexual and women are supposed to be delicate little flowers who blush when men look their way.

And I have been clear from day one that my club isn't going to be like that. Men who are offended and scared of strong, intelligent, sexual women aren't going to be welcome. And if that is what is keeping men away from the club, so be it. I'd rather shut it down right now than cave into an outdated, misogynist belief that women should be subservient to men.

Go to the Gor sims if that's what you want.

The other thing I got today, and what started the whole bitch conversation, was that this woman, who prefers women sexually, says that I don't like women. She's been flirty with me a few times, and I've politely excused myself from the situation but the way she said it today... she knows I don't like women because I said they're all bitches.

Let's make this clear. I like women. I like men. I like humans. I'm sexually attracted to men. I'm not sexually attracted to women. I'm heterosexual and that isn't some random choice I made. It's who I am and it has absolutely nothing to do with not liking women and I resent the implication that my sexual orientation means that I don't like my own fucking gender.

Sexual orientation is not a choice. You can't just wake up one day and decide you're going to become gay, or straight, or bisexual. You either are, or you aren't. At no point in my life have I ever made the decision to be heterosexual. And I don't need to experiment with anyone or anything because "it'll be fun". I don't expect lesbians to have sex with men because, hey, you should try everything once, right? Or straight men to have sex with other men. Or gay men to have sex with a woman.

Who suggests that someone do that? Who thinks it's okay to pressure people into any type of sexual encounter with a gender they have no attraction to?

What year is this?

Maybe it's just this one person, and maybe I'm taking it all too seriously, but that's what I do. I listen to what people say and think. And though it's easy to say that I don't care what other people think about me, that's not true. No one is above being hurt when you find out people think something awful of you.

Right now, I'm sort of numb. I don't want to log into Second Life. I don't want to run my club. I don't want to interact with anyone about anything. I'd like to maybe throw some things and yell and scream and maybe have a good cry.

Instead I think I'll take a long shower and try to wash this ick off of me.

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