Sunday, May 29, 2016

What Dreams May Come...

I've had a lot of conversations lately about dreams.

My dreams, in particular. I've received tons and tons of support and encouragement for pursuing my dream in opening [ruined].

And I so appreciate every bit of it.

Is [ruined] floundering? No, it isn't.

Am I floudering in being the owner? Yes, I am.

It is very easy to visit clubs in Second Life and think "Oh, I could do that better!"

The reality, as I've discovered, is quite different.

You see, people are people. And they have their own will. All the wishes and prayers and rules in the world won't change people from being who they are - nor should they.
I celebrate diversity. I appreciate seeing different people with different beliefs and talking and learning from them.

Then I expect them to come to my little club and behave or look the way I think they should?

How very arrogant and presumptuous of me.

Perhaps my first, and biggest, mistake was in not approaching the opening of my club as a business venture. I foolishly thought I could screen everyone and welcome in only those who are just like me.

Impossible, of course. There is no one just like me. Just as there is no one just like you.
I envisioned a place full of sensual, beautiful, intelligent, mature, liberal free-thinkers. Hedonists, libertines, bon vivants. Philosophers and intellectuals. Humor and silliness, as well as serious discussions and intensely erotic encounters.

People who were attracted by both the mind and the body in equal measures and who weren't shy about sharing of themselves.

I envisioned myself as one, too.

And that is the dream.
Is it happening? In small measures, yes, I believe it is. There have been moments, hours here and there, where I see it.

The problem is that I'm not enjoying any of it. As the owner, as the hostess, I'm finding in nearly impossible to relax and enjoy the atmosphere of what is happening around me. I'm constantly worrying about the direction conversations are taking.

Is this person going to take offense at that person's opinion? Is the meaning behind that sentence going to be misinterpreted? Is it my job to smooth things over and police this conversation? Is he coming on too strong to her? Is she uncomfortable? Is she being too forward? Is she dressed too tacky? Is that Aeros just a wee bit too big to be realistic? Are they being too vulgar instead of sensual and erotic?
And that is where I feel like I'm floundering as an owner. I feel that I have to be constantly on alert for any unease in my club.

And that's on me. So far, I've not seen a single argument break out though there have definitely been conversations with very differing opinions. I've seen people behave maturely and thoughtfully and handle themselves with decorum and class. I've seen gentle rebuffs and polite declines when approached for sex - as well as plenty of acceptances, too. When I've offered suggestions to people regarding their look or behavior, it's always been accepted without (much) resistance.

But because I feel so stressed out when I'm there, I'm finding myself intentionally staying away.

That's not what I wanted. That wasn't the dream.
And on that subject... yes, [ruined] is a dream of mine. I have many. It isn't even THE Dream.

For me, The Dream is for every single creature on this planet to have enough - enough shelter, enough food, enough compassion, enough love, enough empathy, enough clothing, enough safety.

Yes, I'm that girl. A stray dog will keep me broken-hearted for days. A harsh word spoken to an elderly person sends me into a rage and a depression. An abused child? I can't handle it.

Any creature who is marginalized... made to feel less than worthy of all the love in the world... just destroys me.

The Dream is for no one, man nor beast, to ever feel sad or unloved or unwanted or unsure or scared.
That's a pretty heavy dream and the burden of it weighed on my shoulders for years. I've learned to not only see the sadness in the world, but the beauty, too. A frolicking puppy. Grandparents and grandchildren laughing together. Small moments of kindness. The beauty of a firefly. The scent of rain.

And I have a million other dreams, too. I want to have a threesome with Justin Timberlake and Taylor Swift. I want to snuggle a baby elephant. I want my mother and my brothers to come back to life and I want my father to live forever. I dream of opening my wallet to always find just the amount of money I need.

In Second Life, I dream of finding something as beautiful and magical as I had with Hugh.

And all of those dreams, and many others, are far more important to me than my dream of [ruined]. And if [ruined] starts to get in the way of achieving those dreams, it has to go.
It's still new. I'm not ready to give it up just quite yet, though I desperately have to find a way to enjoy it and continue to enjoy my Second Life without the intense pressure I'm putting on myself.

I don't know how to do that. It's easy to say just let go... stop worrying... but the reality is much different.

I don't want to own a business. I don't want to run a business. I don't want to have a job in Second Life.

I want to provide a place for the people I described above to seek out and enjoy the company of like-minded individuals. I want to just plop it down there and watch it happen.

I know that isn't possible... that is a pipe dream.

But how to find the balance between the dream and the reality without losing myself?
Lying down on the job. Wasn't it W.C. Fields who said  "Never work with animals or children?"


  1. I wish I could give you a magical touchstone for how to run things with minimal stress and worry, Beth. In one way it's good - you have a vision, you want to create something special, and so you invest so much more than mere L$; you invest yourself, your heart and soul.

    But if it stops being fun for you... don't. I'd much rather see [ruined] close its doors than it become an albatross around your neck, something that you keep going because you feel it's expected. I'd rather see that than see you burn yourself out on SL.

  2. Drake Galicia-CollinwoodMay 29, 2016 at 8:59 PM

    I agree with Rhia...Beth,if you can't do this,then please..just let it's not worth ruining your sl over if you can't even enjoy it.

  3. I promise, promise, promise ruined isn't ruining anything! And if it really and truly starts to, I absolutely will let it go!

    This is still all so very new to me... and I'm learning. And the people I've met? Absolutely amazing. I wouldn't trade this experience for anything!


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