Monday, October 19, 2015

What am I doing?

I've found myself wandering from sim to sim to sim lately... searching.
Mostly sex sims, I'll admit. I'm tarting myself up, parading myself about, hoping to find some sort of connection.

I don't know what I'm doing, or why I'm doing it. Loneliness, I suppose. I'm aching and empty without my partner, my companion.

So I'm trying to find something, anything, to fill that void.
Creamy's Spot
I had sex.

With a stranger.

Don't worry, Hugh knows. I've no idea what he thinks about it because I've not heard from him, but he knows. And that's part of the problem - I've no idea what Hugh thinks about anything.
Hot Wax
The sex was awful. Empty, cold, emotionless. Someone I didn't know, will probably never speak to again, will certainly never fuck again. I wasn't attracted to him, felt nothing for him.

But I fucked him just the same.

I faked it just the same. There was no arousal on my part. I was just typing words in between browsing Facebook and shopping on the Marketplace.
So why did I do it?

I wanted the flirt, the seduction. I wanted so desperately to feel something.

Wanted. Desired. I wanted someone to make the effort to make me feel warmth. Wetness. Not alone.

I still felt alone.
The Bower at Hollowtree
And yet I'm not stopping, even after the miserable experience of sex with someone I care nothing for.

I'm still wandering... from Teqi's, to Creamy's, to Corruption, to Hollowtree and Hot Wax. FMDs. The Fuckery. Naked. The Cyprian Garden. Even the Chamber. And I'm perving profiles and just waiting to be approached. (Am I missing anyplace? Where do people go these days?)

Few approach me.
The Chamber
I'm untouchable, and aching to be touched.

Is that fair? To anyone who might approach me? Who might strike up a conversation, a friendship? Anyone I might fuck?

Because let me be perfectly clear... the moment Hugh is back in my world, if that is ever able to happen, everything and everyone else will be dropped.
The Cyprian Garden
It's him. It's only him, it's always him. I love him. I am his, above and beyond all else, I am his.

And that is who I want to be. With him, joy is boundless, endless. Our bubble, our intimacy... it's perfection. He makes me a better human. The love is tangible and real and extraordinary.

I know I won't feel that with another man. I won't feel anything even close to it. And yet I don't stop. I keep searching even though I know what I want... but can't have.
The Fuckery
Life can be vicious and cruel.

Confusing, cold. Lonely.

When what I want, need, is out there... just beyond my grasp. Beyond my reach.

Is it getting easier? No. The tears aren't flowing anymore... I've cried them all. And what's left is just... emptiness. Anger. Despair.
I'm not an unhappy person. I still smile and laugh. I see the beauty in the sunbeams. Puppy breath. A smile.

But I'm missing the person I share that with.

I miss him.

I miss you, baby.

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