Wednesday, July 15, 2015

Part V - I'm Guilty, Too

This whole thing has been keeping me from sleeping much the last few nights. I thought I was done, then as I was lying awake in bed tonight (it's 4:49am where I am) it occurred to me that I've been doing what I've been accusing others of doing- pointing fingers at everyone else and not at myself.
I have been known to make terribly offensive racist jokes in my 45 years. A lot more when I was younger, before I left Kentucky for a while and got to see some of the world outside my little borders, but I still slip up.

I'm judgmental as hell. I will judge the fuck out of you. I try hard to keep it to myself, but I'm still doing it. I have to stop and shake myself sometimes to remind myself that just because a person is different from me, has different thoughts and opinions as me, that I shouldn't mock them.
I can be unaccepting and intolerant- my weakness is religious people. Believing in any god is just beyond my comprehension and I tend to be very impatient and unrelenting in my quest to "enlighten" people in the error of their ways when it comes to believing what is, in my opinion, a tall tale.

I have a pretty ridiculous IQ. High, I mean. Tested off the charts when I was younger- which was a bad thing because when you're told by the experts that you're smarter than the average bear, and you're pretty much just a kid, it lead me to think smarter equaled better. It took me a long time to realize I was the weird one, and that having an IQ lower than mine didn't mean people were stupid. I was a completely obnoxious twat for a period of years there before I realized that a high IQ and a $1.50 would buy me a cup of coffee.
I'm convinced I'm right about a lot of things and I hold steadfast in those beliefs. Hell, I think I could whip this world into shape if I was the Supreme Ruler of All Things. How ridiculous is that assumption, huh?

The fact of the matter is that I'm as flawed and stupid as anyone else.
In different ways than other people, yes... but still flawed and stupid. There's nothing wrong with that, either. Knowing that you're flawed and stupid is a great way to open yourself up to learning and wanting to change, to make changes.

But this is about me, not you. Admitting that I am far, far, far from perfect- like you all didn't already know that. :-)
I know there are things I need to change. I should absolutely stop smoking. I need to exercise and eat better. Holy christ, do I suck with money! I can't budget for shit.

I'm unforgiving- just look at my relationship with my sister. I'll never forgive her, never accept her apologies. I get mad and I don't let go. I'm passive-aggressive, though I have gotten better with that over the past couple of years. I avoid confrontation.

And that's all just the tip of the iceberg.
So when I'm here preaching at others all about how they should act, think, communicate, etc., I also think it's important for me to admit, to realize, I'm just as guilty as everyone I'm preaching at.

I'm naturally introspective, but I've been much more so recently as I examine my place in the world, our places in the world. And I see my flaws, my imperfections- some that I can change, some that I can't. But making myself make those changes? That's hard, y'all.

I love smoking. I know I should quit, but I don't want to. Cancer runs rampant in my family and I know damn good and well it's going to kill me, too, yet I'm loathe to stop doing the one thing that is going to hasten that certain death one day.
Food is fucking delicious, and it's even better in large quantities, and exercise sucks. Sitting here in front of the computer, or lying on my couch watching Netflix is so much more fun.

And those are the easier things to change. Being judgmental and unforgiving? I don't even know where to begin. The stuff inside, in my brain- that's hard. Changing the way I think, changing my views, changing the very way my brain processes things- wow. How does one even begin?
I honestly don't know. I can catch myself when I'm doing it- but do I stop? I know I can take things, take situations, and go away and ruminate on them, dissect and evaluate and reevaluate... but I can't stop myself in the moment. The visceral gut reactions.

I guess it's all part of being human. We are flawed. Always will be, and I suppose we just have to accept that.

So here I sit, typing, stopping, thinking, typing... and I accept myself. And I accept you.

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