Sunday, April 26, 2015

Celebrating Life and Joy.

Told you I'd get back to the pervy stuff!

Where is my brain these days?

It was only Wednesday when my brother died. I loved him dearly. He was such a great human being.
Yes, I know it's weird to be talking about my brother's death and posting these photos, but bear with me... I do have a point!

It was just about a year ago when my brother was diagnosed. THAT, my friends, was the tragedy. His death was not. He was in so much damn pain. And he had made his peace with the world. His death was fast... mercifully, blissfully fast. And there is nothing tragic about that.

I've been mourning him since last July when we found out about the cancer, and that it had progressed too far to be cured.
So now it's over. He's gone and no longer in pain. And it's time to celebrate life.

Because it is beautiful. Life is amazing. And there is no better way to express the love of life than making love with Hugh.

With everything going on, I've not been able to see Hugh since Andy passed away. Tonight was our first chance for him to take me in his arms and comfort me.

We did what we do best... love each other. Our joy just overtakes everything else happening and completely embraces us. It's our celebration of life and love.

It's joy.
This man always knows what I need. We love and we laugh and we talk and we love again. We smile and get goofy and whisper words no one else will ever hear and we bask in the glow of what we create.
We are unabashedly selfish with our time, with each other. We make no apologies for closing ourselves up in our own happy, perfect world.

That's why we're here, in Second Life. All those other responsibilities can be put on hold for those hours we spend together, and get lost in each other.

And it's marvelous.
So I'm done mourning.

I am sad that my brother is no longer with me, but I'm not selfish enough to wish he were still here, in the pain he was in. I am happy that he's gone... to whatever is after life on Earth. Nothing, something. I don't know. But I'm over the moon with joy that he is no longer suffering.  
There will be times ahead, I know, when grief pushes its way to the forefront. There will be those moments, and tears, when the missing him overwhelms me. That's the selfish part... when I miss him and wish he could still be whole, and healthy, and making me laugh.
But I have this guy. And so many other amazing people in my life to love. And to celebrate life with. And joy.
(I got hungry and had to go back for seconds.)
We loved until the sun set, then we loved again. And had some pretty amazing orgasms along the way.

I was overcome with love for this gentle, amazing, sexy, smart, funny man tonight. I couldn't tell him enough, couldn't show him enough. I get overloaded with passion and joy and it just pours from me like a raging waterfall and, god, I love every second of it. Love being able to give that to him, and get it back tenfold in return.
Thank you, baby, for being my rock. My lighthouse. My home. I love you, always.

(Also, I love my new sofa from Stockholm & Lima! Go! Buy their stuff! You won't regret it!)

Saturday, April 25, 2015

Make A Difference

I want to thank the lovely Caitlin Tobias for pointing me towards the Wall of Remembrance at the Fantasy Faire.

I found myself at a loss for something to do for a few hours yesterday. There is a strange time after you lose a loved one where you're not quite sure what you're supposed to be doing. All the arrangements have been made and nothing needs to be done. Going on with life as normal just feels weird, but so does staring at the empty space your loved one used to occupy.

There is no right thing to do, and no wrong thing. It's just weird.
And thats where I was yesterday. The rest of my family had made a valiant, yet ultimately futile, attempt to drink ALL THE BOURBON the night before and were in no shape to do anything but  lie in bed in a haze of nausea so I left them to that and was simply twiddling my thumbs and staring at nothing.

The Fantasy Faire is a Relay for Life event. As it happens, the American Cancer Society is one of the charities my brother wanted listed in his obituary for memorial donations. I made a gift yesterday at the Wall of Remembrance for him.

We are so close to a cure. And the shitty thing about that is that it costs money... lots of money... to do the research that is going to be necessary to find the cure. In the real world, I work as a fundraiser and I understand the impact $5.00 can make. I know that people think their $5.00 won't matter, but that's simply not true. It adds up pretty damn quickly when lots of people donate that $5.00.

If you're so inclined, I'm asking each of you to stop by a Relay for Life kiosk in Second Life and drop a few lindens in, if you can.

His name was [removed], and he was amazing.

Thank you.

I promise to get back to your regularly scheduled pervy blog very soon. My brother, a big bear, often described himself as an old whore, and would be entirely disappointed in me if I didn't continue being my own version of that!

Wednesday, April 22, 2015

When The River Meets The Sea

So he's gone. My brother passed away this afternoon.

I hesitated in making a post about it... but I've shared this journey with you all since he was first diagnosed with his cancer and decided it was appropriate to close the book on this final chapter. Besides, I'm sitting here alone with my thoughts, unable to sleep, and needed something to occupy my mind for a few minutes. 

He went into the hospital Monday morning, unable to move his legs due to the immense pain. We figure the cancer had spread to his spine, but it was decided that putting him through any more tests would be pointless. He deteriorated very quickly, thankfully. Monday the doctor gave him days to a week to live. This morning, that became 24-48 hours. His biggest concern on Monday, when we knew the end was drawing near, was the pain. The wonderful, amazing hospice people promised it wouldn't be an issue. I've no doubt the massive amounts of pain medicine they gave him hastened what could have been a much longer, far more agonizing end for him and for that, I will forever be grateful.

We gathered in his room today... he was finally resting comfortably. The death rattle had been terrible but we moved him onto his side to make it easier on him and it worked. He was peaceful. My sister in law (a nurse) was leaving to go to her house to do some cleaning for the guests that will be arriving and as she was leaning over him to say goodbye and realized he was gone. That fast, that peacefully. 

I thought I was ready. I am ready, I was ready, but oh, how I will miss him. He was a kind soul... the type of human who was at his happiest when he was doing something for someone else, without thought to reward. His heart was so very generous and good. He was a good man. A truly selfless human. 

And so very funny. He had an amazing sense of humor about everything, including his own death. While reminiscing on his FB page a little while ago, I found this that he had posted. 
Today was also my mother's birthday. I've come to the conclusion that my fabulous brother, a big heathen like me, decided that IF there was something in the afterlife, he wanted to make sure he arrived today so he could party with my Mom. 

This is the song he wants played at his going away party (no funerals for us), and it couldn't be more appropriate to have the Muppets bidding him farewell. 

When the mountain touches the valley, all the clouds are taught to fly
as our souls will leave this land most peacefully.
Though our minds be filled with questions, in our hearts we'll understand
when the river meets the sea.

Thank you all so very much for your support over this last incredibly difficult year. <3 <3 <3

Sunday, April 19, 2015

Oh What A Week!

So this week went straight to hell in a handbasket.
First off, as some of you may know, I have a brother with cancer. He's recently made the decision to stop the chemo. It's time... the cancer was still spreading and the pain has been unbearable. So now it's just a matter of time. Could be weeks, could be months... we just don't know yet.
He's been living with my sister. She and I have a few (or a thousand) issues but this week, she went completely off the deep end. She kicked him out. KICKED HIM OUT. Because he's messy and he smokes too much.

Um... he's dying. Literally. He will be with us, at best, for a couple more months.

And she kicked him out. Mind you, when he was diagnosed, she stepped in before the rest of us had a chance to say "Oh fuck, cancer" so she could take care of him. He's a slob, yes. A terrible one (as am I) but holy FUCK... he's got a couple months to live. Seriously, the last fucking I'd be concerned about is housework.
And that's assuming that he's physically able to do housework.

And he isn't.

Right now he's living in two states; he's either in horrifying pain, or on enough morphine to fell an elephant. He's able to walk... very slowly, and with a cane. And she wants him doing housework?

What. The. Fuck.
As far as the smoking goes... it's the one thing he's got left. The chemo destroyed his tastebuds. Food tastes nasty. He used to make beautiful, intricate jewelry but his hands are beyond that now. There's no getting any better, so why not let him smoke if it brings him pleasure? And he doesn't smoke inside... he goes outside on her balcony. She flipped out because he nods off and she's afraid he's going to burn the house down. The morphine he's on is an extended release... and when it releases, it's a wonderous whoosh of relief, and it's strong, and it knocks him out for a few seconds.

So here's a novel idea for my sister... keep a fucking eye on him.
So that's been going on and it's still a clusterfuck. He was going to go live with my brother in Chicago and I was all ready to drive him, but he decided to move in with a friend of his who lost his partner to cancer a couple of years ago. That happened yesterday. Today, he texted my sister saying he wanted to come back to her place.

I have no idea what's going to happen. He's going to stay with his friend for a few days so they can take a break from each other and then he'll move back in with my sister. I just don't know what to think.

I just want my brother to spend his last little bit of time comfortable, happy and safe as possible. My sister... she can just fuck right the fuck off. She seems to be completely devoid of empathy and wants all this sympathy from the rest of the family by airing my brother's issues for us all to see. It didn't need to be like that. All she had to say was she needed some help... or something, anything, other than what she did.

I wish that was all of it but I also found out she's been treating my father poorly and I'm just fucking not having it. Her husband of 40+ years has finally got a snootful and has left her. She and her only daughter aren't speaking. She's just fucking bananas and I have no sympathy left to give her. Had I seen her in the last few days, I would have physically hurt her. I'm not a violent person, but I would have lost my shit and knocked her damn teeth down her throat.

Now I've calmed down. I can't stand her and she's not going to be part of my life after my brother is gone. My father has already made his own decision not to see or talk to her anymore.

That's how bad she's been... my sweet, adorable Dad is done with her.
And if that wasn't enough, I came home last night to discover my computer not working. That's all it took to send me right over the edge.

This girl had a righteous screaming, sobbing freak-out. Felt pretty good, actually, to just let it all out. Scared the crap out of the kitties, but then they curled up and snuggled and it was all okay. And I was able to get my computer fixed today (thanks, Geek Squad, for fixing it and not saying anything about the raunchy photos scattered all over my desktop!) and it was cheap and I'm back online.
Well, most of it... there was just one thing left to do to release that last little bit.


Tuesday, April 14, 2015

My Digits

It's time for Strawberry's weekly meme! This week she's doing her annual What's Your Digits? meme.

I've learned that comparing yourself to others is a very dangerous thing! I discovered something horrible! It seems that I have T-Rex arms! This is something I've honestly never thought about before... arm length.
Who knew it was so important? More than that, who knew my arms were so freaking short?!

First, here are my numbers: 

Height - 70
Body Fat - 5
Head Size - 48
Torso Muscle - 42
Breast Size - 36
Arm Length - 45
Hand Size - 5
Torso Length - 53
Love Handles - 12
Belly Size - 4
Leg Muscle - 40
Leg Length - 48
Hip Width - 48
Butt Size - 23
Saddle Bags - 34
This is everyday me, short arms and all. They don't look freakishly abnormal to me. Perhaps they are and everyone around me has just been super nice and not bothered to say, "Hey, Macbain, your arms are like tiny little tree stumps". 

makes note... must ask Hugh...

So just for shits and giggles, I made my arms longer. Here at are at a 70.
I'm sure to others that looks perfectly normal but to me, it just looks oddly long. Is it? Or were they odd before? Now when I look at my avatar, all I see are arms. 

I have another shape I wear every once in a while... i.e. when I'm taking photos masturbating. I found that for most poses, my hands didn't quite reach my cooter. Ha! I guess I know why now! My arms weren't long enough! It honestly never occurred to me to change THAT so instead I changed my torso length. I call this shape, creatively enough, Short Torso. 
It's not that much different from my Everyday shape. Just a bit squishier in the middle so I can reach my hoo-ha.

The other shape I've worn, but not so much recently, is my super-small everything for wearing sheer mesh clothes. Try as I might, I just couldn't get my boobs and butt small enough through small tweaks to fit. I hate this shape naked, though. And clothed, now that I look at it. I call this one Emaciated Me. 

Anyway, now to the questions:

Do you currently own a mesh body? If so, do you wear it all the time or just once in a while? If not, skip to the fourth question.  I do. I tried the Slink demo when it first came out but just wasn't crazy about it. Probably because by the time I got hip to mesh bodies, I'd already seen the teaser photo of the Venus. So I waited. And waited. And then I waited some more. Now I have the Venus and I never take it off. I tried the TMP demo, too... but god, I just hate them. I hate their entire business model from having to load money ahead of time that you can't get back, to the sneaky way they price things so they've always got some of your lindens that you can't spend and can't get back. And that HUD... oh sweet jesus, I hate that ridiculous fucking shopping HUD. I'm sort of ambivalent about the Lara. I tried the demo and didn't hate it, but didn't love it, either. I'm sticking with my Venus.
What is your preferred mesh body available on the market right now? Belleza Venus
Have you changed your shape since you started wearing the body? Oh, yes, as you can see above. Prior to getting the Venus, I really never changed my shape at all. For my first several years in SL, I wore a shape that wasn't modifiable. I had been told it was from the BEST place to buy shapes and never questioned it. Eventually, I started wanting to tweak things, but couldn't. That was around the time I left SL for over a  year and when I came back, I went shape shopping and found one I really liked, and it was modifiable. Purchase made, looked great, then I started tweaking and changed pretty much everything and made it unrecognizable from the original shape I bought. Now with the Venus, I'm constantly tweaking little bits here and there to fit mesh clothing. I haven't gotten it exactly right yet, but I'm holding off until the next release of the Venus, with the promised additional alpha cuts, before I tweak much else. I still have lots of trouble with my shoulders poking through mesh clothing.
How do you feel about mesh bodies in general? For me, they are wonderful. I just think it looks absolutely incomparable to the standard SL body. It might have flaws in being too perfect but I'd much rather deal with that than the sharply angled standard body. Boobs aren't supposed to be octangular, damn it! As for parts other than the body... Slink's hands and feet are fabulous. The Lolas I had before were fine, but I couldn't make them small enough. I demo'd the Phat Azz and just laughed at how ridiculous it looked. I've tried mesh ears and mouths... no, thanks. And mesh heads? No way. Not until I can make one look uniquely me.
What is one thing you would request from designers when it comes to mesh bodies? Well, I can really only speak to the Venus and Tricky. I do have a lot of issues with it, the main ones being communication, or lack thereof. Back in November, Tricky told me there would be an update in January. Well, it's now April and nothing. But worse than that, nothing from him or his staff to update their customers. I have a BIG issue with this and it's almost enough to make me go back for the Lara and try it again. Belleza has two different inworld groups, a website, a Flickr page, Facebook, etc, just there is just dead air about the problems with the Venus and the promised update. This infuriates me. There is so much talk and speculation... and all Tricky (or Felicity) has to do is a quick social media update on the progress every few weeks. And when I complain, I get the fangirls bitching at me because Tricky is soooooo busy and I just really need to learn some patience. Fuck that. I would take five minutes. My other issues with the body and HUD itself are the HUGE need for more alpha cut options and a bloody neck fix that works in WL settings other than CalWL and, for god's sake, pubic hair options! As well as a vagina options in different states of arousal. If they can do push up boobs, they can do that, too. Oh, you only asked for one thing. Oops. 

Now I've gotten myself all mad at Belleza again. Off to the Maitreya store to try the Lara again!

Sunday, April 12, 2015

What the What?!

I'm generally a pretty nice, trusting person. It's sort of the way I've decided to live my life... it's what makes me happiest, seeing the good side of people, assuming that most aren't out to do harm. Is this a bit Pollyanna-ish of me? Yes. And I don't care.
That is, I don't care until someone decides to take advantage of me. I don't like that. I'm fortunate in that it doesn't happen very often. I may be a happy little butterfly flitting through life, but I'm not blind to the world around me.

Usually. It seems I've been very blind to my own world for just a little while. I'm referring to my world in Second Life, specifically my three little parcels of land.

I put up a greenhouse a few months ago but hadn't gotten around to decorating it yet, so I set about doing that tonight. I was keeping an eye on my prims and kept sort of thinking to myself, "gee... it's getting low." I didn't realize I'd used so many, but I like stuff and have buttloads of little knick-knacks and bric-a-brac around.
I finally decided to look at my land and who owns what on it. It should be just me, and a few things of Hugh's, but... yeah, no.

I know this happens all the time... but some bitchy bitch mcbitchersons had set up this big ass skybox 1,500 meters up and moved in.

Who does that? I mean, seriously? WHO FUCKING DOES THAT? Yu, that's who. Yu. That's her name. Her shit has been returned, she's been banned from my land and, yes, I've reported her. Oh, and sent her an IM letting her know she'd been found out.

But I am pissed. This chick isn't some noob. She's over 7 years old in SL. And she owns a store. A physical one in SL and a Marketplace store. It isn't a new one either. This bitch creates stuff and makes a living selling things. She clearly does well enough to be able to rent shop space. And set up a shop, so she understands prim allowances and LI.

So why the fuck did she decide to prey on me? As far as I can remember, I don't know her. I've never bought anything from her and I don't think I've ever met her. How did she find me, and my little corner of SL and decide, "Hey, this looks like a nice place to live. I think I'll just move the fuck right in!"?
Fuck everything about that. Fuck her. How dare she? What a mean, dirty,underhanded, rotten thing to do. What snotty little perverse moral code does she live by that makes her able to justify doing that? Who else is she cheating? Is everything in her store stolen from someone else? How does she treat her customers? Her family and friends? 

What. A. Bitch.


Tuesday, April 7, 2015

In The Meme Time...

Thank god for Strawberry Singh! Without her and her Monday memes, I'd have nothing to blog about anymore!

My idea well seems to have run dry. If anyone has any ideas of stuff for me to blabber about, please let me know!
But first, it's meme time! This week, Berry is bringing us the Double Threat Meme. Q&A time!
Two online screen names you’ve had: Allie Renard was my original SL avatar. I also used to use different variations of Jane Moneypenny. Yes, I am a James Bond fan.

Two video games you’ve played: Space Invaders. I'm old. I was into the Sims for awhile, too.
Two things you love about Second Life: Hugh Person and playing dress up.

Two things you’ve done in Second Life: Fallen ass over teacups in love and briefly worked as a stripper.
Two things you still want to do in Second Life: Make clothes and make poses. I have neither the talent or patience to learn.

Two things you like about your Second Life avatar: I love my boobies! And my mouth. I really like my mouth.
Two of your Second Life Pet Peeves: Only two? Scowling females avatars and avatars that are several years old that still look like newbs.

Two things you did as a newb that you’re embarrassed of: I'm with Berry in that I'm not really embarrassed by things I did before I knew what I was doing, but... I hung out at Skinny Dip Inn a lot and actively sought out bling to buy.
Two of your closest friends in Second Life: Hugh Person and Caitlin Tobias.

Two of the most beloved things in your inventory: My rings, of course, and my pets (I can't choose one! That's like asking a parent to choose her favorite kid!)
And that's it for this week's meme!

And, seriously, please... if you have anything you'd like me to blog, let me know!

Saturday, April 4, 2015

One Rule

"Humans are not meant to live in a land of rainbows and unicorns... People were, are and will allways (sic) be evious (sic), jealous, rude, hating and so on." LittleBlackLamb
I had to revisit Berry's Mean Comments Meme. I read the comments posted, and while most of them were people sharing their own stories of being victims of trolls, or bullying, there was this one in particular from the person above. And, as per usual, I have more to say on the subject.

To LittleBlackLamb and his/her comments about unicorns and rainbows, says who? Why does anyone else have the right to define what another person's world is? I don't know about you, but my world is full of rainbows (I'm a little short on unicorns these days but I did see this today. Does that count? It counts for me).
The world is what we make it. We have the power. And I, for one, have the will.

The will for what, you ask? To make the world a better, happier place. And why not? How does doing that affect me, or you? For me, it makes me feel damn good to be nice to others... anyone, anywhere, at anytime. It costs me nothing to give someone a smile. To say hello to strangers, even just a nod to acknowledge that I see that they exist. That their presence has impacted my life in some small way just by simply being.

And for the person on the receiving end of this tiny bit of kindness, this humanity, I only hope that it makes their day just a wee bit better knowing that someone sees them as they go about their day. That someone knows they're alive. "Hey, fellow human, I see you there. And I hope your day is full of rainbows and unicorns."
I agree that there will always be envy and jealousy in the world. Those are natural human emotions. But rudeness and hate? No. No, those aren't natural. Hate is learned, as is rudeness.

Saying that rudeness and hate will always exist is just a cop-out. It's an excuse to be hateful and rude.

And I don't know about the rest of you, but I'm bloody damn sick of it.

In this day and age we live in, this world where we're all afforded the (relative) anonymity of the internet, saying that these traits will always exist is not okay with me. I can't say for certain that people are behaving worse now than they did 10, 20, 100, 500 years ago, but it's closer and easier to see now more than ever. All one has to do is flip on their computer, or pull out their phone, to be confronted with all the ugliness a person can stand.
What can be done about that? Easy. We don't fucking stand for it, that's what. I'm in the states, so I can only speak to America and our constitution. Lots of internet mean folks like to stand up for themselves by spouting on and on about their first amendment rights.

Guess what, sugarplums... that is NOT what the first amendment means. No, the government isn't going to stop you from being a hateful asshat, but the rest of us can. The internet as a whole... Facebook, Twitter, Instagram, video game thingies (I don't play them so I don't know the proper terminology), Second Life, YouTube, whatever... all of those entities, whoever is in charge, needs to adopt a zero-tolerance policy. Act like a jackass and you don't get to play. Period. Ban, then ban again. Drop the ban hammer hard and fast and often and without mercy.
Would that be a catch-all, cure-all? No, of course not. Nothing is that simple, but it would be a start. And people need to start not accepting the hate when they come across it. Arguing with logic instead of emotion. Mocking is always good, too. It's especially effective with twelve year old boys. Throw enough logic and mockery and big words at them and before long, their only come back becomes, "Yeah, well, I fucked your mom."

And if that insult causes you distress, yeah... you need to grow thicker skin.

I just don't  understand being mean for the sake of being mean. Even if you're envious of someone, or jealous of them, I just don't get it. Trashing that person doesn't make you feel better. You know it doesn't. You might feel a momentary sense of satisfaction, but that doesn't last. Maybe that's why the trolls always go back for more and more. It's like a drug and they can't get enough and keep having to up their troll game to get that same high. 

And that's just sad. When I'm in line at a store behind someone that treats the cashier like shit for some small imagined slight, not only will I (depending on how big/mean looking they are) make certain they know I find their behavior repugnant and unacceptable, I go out of my way to remind the poor cashier of how sad and pathetic that person's life must be that they feel the need to treat others like shit to make themselves feel better. And the few times I've been attacked on the internet, I tell myself the exact same thing.

I was a weird kid and got more than my fair share of bullying for it. It hurt. A lot. I don't look back on the first twenty years of my life with much fondness, in part due to the constant bullying. Words hurt, especially during those vulnerable years when you're just beginning to shape who you are as a person. 
Now, with age and the wisdom that comes with it, I can't help but wonder what was going on in my bullies' lives. They weren't happy kids and something was causing that. The same goes today for internet bullies. These aren't happy, well-adjusted people. These are people who aren't happy with their own lives. And it's easy for me to place all my sympathy with the people they are hurting... and I do hurt for them. It's heart-breaking to see someone attacked on the internet. 

But I also remind myself to have sympathy for the bullies and trolls because I don't know what shitastic things are happening in their lives when they're not online. But that's not an excuse for their behavior. They have to learn to be human beings and to treat others with respect. And the responsibility for teaching them lies on all our shoulders. Call them on it. Engage. Enlighten. Educate. And report. Do it with intelligence, and logic, and a bit of kindness, just because. 

And when you see it happening, reach out to the person receiving the brunt of the insults. Offer them a virtual hug or smile. A few kinds words. Give them something to feel good about.

You'll feel better, too. 

I'll leave you with the words of one of my very favorite authors, and a damn fine human, too. 

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