Sunday, March 29, 2015

I'm Wearing Clothes!

I was speaking this morning with a good friend about this blog and he had a small issue with it. This is someone I trust, and who's opinion I trust, and he brought up something that I must confess, I have thought about before.
He told me that when I post erotic nudes with the harsh family issues I've been posting about recently, it's very disconcerting to him. The fact is that I've done that on purpose... not to jar anyone or make anyone uncomfortable, though.

I just feel like the nudes are what is expected of me, of this blog. The words I write are for me... it's that clusterfuck of thoughts in my brain that I have to write down in order to get them straight. But the photos are something for everyone else.
I guess I kind of feel like no one is really terribly interested in what I have to say.  And that is NOT me trying to be all woe-is-me. It's that it's the way I feel about what most other people have to say... hence why I spend very little time reading other's blogs.

Shame on me, I know. It's not that I don't care... I DO! I desperately want every single creature on Earth to be happy and content and at peace! But... SL is my escape from RL drama. Not my own... hell, I can't escape my own drama these days. There is just way too much happening for me to ever completely shut it out.
But I do come to SL to escape the drama of other people in my life. I guess that's the introvert in me. I used to carry the weight of the world on my shoulders... and it was heavy and hard. I have somewhat closeted myself from having a lot of people in my real life. People can be a burden.

Not everyone, though... there are many people I love and would do anything for, including helping them sort through whatever hell is happening in their lives. And there are a few people in my second life I feel the same way about. Hugh, above all others, always and forever, though he's loathe to let me shoulder anything happening in his real world.
That's hard, too. His efforts to keep me shielded. Christ knows I dump enough of my real world shit on him, and he's absolutely amazing about it. But sometimes I feel like I'm dragging him down by unloading all my stuff on him... and he's so constantly blissful and zen and sanguine with me. He does it to not bring any darkness into our perfect little world, but I desperately want to be there for him, the way he is for me.

But that's a different thing.
Yes, there are things happening in my real life that I can't escape no matter what world I'm in. I am, however, pretty damn okay with it.

My brother has made the decision to stop treatment for his cancer and is now under the care of hospice. The doctors say he has weeks to months to live. You'd think I'd be falling apart, right?

Nope. I'm good. We've always known that whatever treatment he got would be palliative rather than curative and he gave it the good fight. But the pain got to be unbearable for him. And the cancer continued to spread.

So he's made the decision, and we support him. And holy hell... he looks better and feels better than he's looked since this whole ordeal started.
We've known he was going to die, but now it's facing us in the very near future. And he is at peace with that, as are we. So now we're just facing one day at a time and doing whatever we need to do to make it fun and joyous.

My BFF and I stayed with him last night until around midnight, and we had so much fun! We laughed until we cried, and then we cried until we laughed, and we talked about life, and death, and what may or may not come after, from the sublime to the ridiculous and it was a magical night that I'll treasure forever.
So, yes, we're preparing for an imminent death, but there is no way we're not going to make the journey a party... a celebration. We didn't get to do this with Mom... by the time her cancer was found, she was too far gone to really prepare.

That's not the case with my brother. He's still in control of all his faculties (though he's on massive amounts of morphine) and is able to take advantage of everything hospice has to offer him, and us as well.
Hospice is fucking amazing, y'all. These people are incredible... I can't imagine doing what they do, day in and day out, but... holy balls, they're just the best.
Anyway... back to the original point of this post. Heavily dramatic life-and-death discussions along with naughty nudes. I don't know. I really don't get a lot of feedback on this blog. I have gotten tons of support through all my family issues, but I don't get a lot of comments about the blog itself. So though I've hesitated a time or two before hitting the submit button, I've done it anyway.

I'm certain some may think it's tacky, and maybe it is. I just post what I feel... and the photos I feel like posting. And I love my nude Second Life body. I like seeing it. It's an ego boost, I suppose.
Juggling. That's what I feel like I'm doing these days. Work, family, friends, Second Life, Hugh, me. It's a... not delicate... juggling act. As a matter of fact, it's a sloppy, clusterfuck of a juggling act, but that's okay. I'm not going to drop any balls that won't bounce right back into my hands. Fumbling is okay. No one is perfect and I'm going to get through this in whatever way I can. I'll trip, I'll lose my coordination, I'll knock shit off shelves, but in the end, I'll have all my balls and a smile on my face.

Because that's what life is... it's a big sloppy wonderful mess.
Isn't it wonderful?
Oh, please... like I wasn't going to post at least one nude...

1 comment:

  1. Beth what you write is from the heart. Clothed or not isn't the point . the point is that you are expressing what you are feeling at the time. You are one awesome person.



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