Saturday, February 21, 2015

From A Dark Place

Edit: Last night I posted this incredibly raw blog post about my father's suicide attempt.

The outpouring of love and support I've received is humbling, and beautiful, and it's brought such joy to me today.

When people ask why I'm part of SL, THIS is one of the reasons- the incredible people that have become part of my world, even if we've never spoken, never met. Doesn't matter. This is an exceptional community of wonderful people.

I love each and every one of you very much... you are in my heart, now and forever. 

I can't thank you enough for the kind words, the hugs, the messages of support and understanding. I'm so overwhelmed by you amazing people who are standing beside me, holding me up and sharing your own very personal stories with me. 

I have never felt LESS alone in my life- not with this incredible community standing with me. 

Thank you, thank you, thank you. <3 <3 <3
This is probably one of those posts that I shouldn't write and certainly shouldn't share with the world... but I'm going to anyway. Because I need to.

Yesterday, I went to see my elderly father and couldn't wake him up. He's alive... but not because he wants to be. See, he took an overdose and tried to end his life.
This was planned and the only thing he regrets at this point is that he didn't take enough pills. And this makes me a terrible daughter maybe... but I understand. I think I wish I hadn't found him in time, though he really didn't take enough and would have slept it off. He came to on his own in the hospital after about 12 hours. But... the thing is, he's ready. And I understand and I'm absolutely devastated by the pain he's in and now can't end.
He's 86... he's had a great life. But he lost his love, my mom, to cancer six years ago. And in the last six months, he's lost pretty much all of his independence. The dog he loved beyond measure became too much for him to take care of. He gave up driving. He spends most of his time sitting in his recliner watching TV and wishing he could go be with Mom.
And now he can't. He's in the hospital being watched 24/7. Today I watched him try to pinch off his oxygen tubing... I watched him try to choke himself. He asked me to go buy him a gun. He asked me to give him a pair of scissors. 

He's tired... he's just done, emotionally and mentally. He just wanted to go to sleep and never wake up. And now he's trapped in this dark place. I don't know what tomorrow holds. But I'm so sorry, Daddy... I'm so sorry you didn't get your wish to go be with Mom.

1 comment:

  1. So, very sorry to hear this has happened.


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