Saturday, December 6, 2014

Shitty Day

This is one of those times when I'm gonna use this blog as a real life diary.

Dear Diary, today was a shitty day. Why? Because my sister, that's why.
I come from a big family... there are (were) eight of us kids. Six boys, two girls. My sister is older, by 18 years, and we've never been close. I know I'm the baby of the family and as such, I've maybe gotten some stuff others didn't. But that's not really my fault. I didn't choose my place in the birth order.
We've tried over the years to get along but it just never works. I'd like to take the blame, but I seriously can't.

Because, oh my ever loving god, she's insane and a bitch. A bully of the first order.

Mom used to be her target, but since Mom died, it's become me. You see, I'm not allowed to have an opinion that differs from her.
We got into another fight today.

Over something I posted on FB. Yes, okay, it was targeted at her, but I don't regret it. She's been raging on what happened in Ferguson and saying that because Michael Brown was a thug, he got what he deserved.
In order for this story to make any sense, I have to give a little back story. My sister is a sixty-something year old pot-head. And I'm not talking recreational. The woman smokes pot from the moment she wakes up until she goes to bed.

But still... whatever, it's her life. She can do what she wants.
But see, I made a post on FB last night regarding white privilege/white blindness. As middle class white folks, we really have no idea what it's like to be a black person living in America today. I can't comprehend being afraid of the police... but, I've never walked in a black person's shoes and I have no knowledge of what it's like for them. So I try very hard to not speak as to the minds of the protesters, etc.

Was Michael Brown a thug? Most signs point to yes. Did he get what he deserved? No, not even close.
But then I made my fatal mistake... I pointed out that many people would consider pot dealers thugs. And that I feel quite certain that most pot dealers have roughed someone up a time or two.

Oh dear.

My sister didn't take that well. I can't read the logic of what happens in her addled brain, but I guess that meant I was calling her a thug? Or she thinks that people don't know she's a pot-head? I can say this for absolute certain- every single person that can see my FB wall, and also knows her, knows damn good and well she's a pot-head. If she thinks it's a secret, she's more insane than I even realize.

Anyhoo... this led to a short volley of private (of course, no one else gets to see when she goes bat-shit crazy on me) messages in which she called me toxic, pathetic, unloved, friendless, sick and ended with the parting shot of "Fuck off, you nasty bitch."

Mind you, this is nothing new. We cannot have a disagreement about anything without her sinking to personal, hate-filled rage attacks like that. And a few days later, she apologizes and because she's my sister, I forgive her.

No more. I'm done. I happened to be with my best friend when I got that final message. My BFF has known my sister for over 25 years now and she's always liked her, even through our fights. Family is very important to her and she believes that all things should be forgiven.

But when I handed my phone to her to show her that message, she changed her opinion. And having her tell me that it was high time I stopped putting up with that crap helped me realize that our relationship is beyond repair.

For my own health and sanity. This is a pattern that has repeated itself over and over and over through the years. And it stops now. When she apologizes in a few days, it's not going to be accepted. For all intents and purposes, I no longer have a sister. Because it's an abusive relationship and I'm better than that. I don't deserve that.

It'll be fine... like I said, we've never been close. And god knows, my life can only be better without having the constant worry of when she's next going to lose her shit on me. Family events might be a bit awkward, but they usually are anyway for one reason or another.

So everything will be okay, and I'll be okay.

But still... it's been a shitty day.

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