Sunday, November 30, 2014

Only For You...

Someone asked me a question yesterday, and it's question I hate... "What's the secret to your relationship? Your longevity?"
We've celebrated 10 months together now... is that a long time? I don't know. It's a long time for me, as far as SL relationships go. Maybe it's a long time for everyone. I really don't know.

All I know is it feels like only a moment has passed since I met you. I still smile like a damn idiot when I see you, or when I like about you. I grin and giggle like a school girl with her first boyfriend. I get butterflies in my belly.
Do you, my darling? You know better than anyone that I slip inside my head sometimes, and imagine all sorts silly things. I can't help it. It's part of who I am.
I think I'm better about it now than I used to be. You've been by my side every day, even the days we're apart. You've never given me a single reason to think that I mean any less to you today than I did ten months ago.
Yet I worry. Am I enough for you? Do I give you all the things you need, you deserve? Do I sate your desires? Am I still the woman you long for?

Am I still your beloved?
You'll say I'm being silly, and I know I am. Aren't I? I sit and tell myself you're not a man of grand gestures, but that would be wrong. You are. That beautiful pavillion you built for us. The Bethereal. That ring you wear on your finger that shows the world you're mine.
You show me in so many ways how you love me. In those exquisite gestures, and in the way you make love to me, so achingly perfect every single time. The soul-searing kisses, the touches, the way you bring your body into mine. Those moments when you go quiet, and I know you're just sitting there watching us, silently, feeling me... feeling us.
You've never been quite as verbose as me. And you certainly don't feel the need to dissect things like I do. And so I read into things. Little hints that probably aren't really hints at all, clues that mean nothing.
And I'm very aware that each day, you're never quite sure what the day will hold for you. The best laid plans and all that. :-)

Real life sometimes gets in the way for both of us. No, not "gets in the way". It just is. We both have our lives and our obligations and sometimes things come flying in out of left field. Real life always, and should, come first.
But sometimes it's so hard to know... Is it real (life) or is it... something else?

I suspect that my suspicions are born out of the fact that I did something incredibly stupid when we first met, when I created that stupid alt so I could hide from Ark to be with you. And if it's something I would do, why wouldn't anyone else?
It's amazing, isn't it, how actions like that can stick with a person? I think I lasted less than a week before I cracked, yet it still hangs heavily over me. I pride myself on honesty, yet... I lied. And as much as I value truth, I shamefully tossed my own beliefs aside to be with you.

Being with you is not something I regret, not at all. God, not in the slightest. But, damn, I wish I'd handled it better, more honestly.
Not only because it was wrong to do, but because it's left me suspicious of others. I know I was capable of it (though I failed miserably) so of course everyone else is capable of it, too.

I try... I try very hard to not be jealous of the friendships you have with other women. And god knows you've never made me feel like I was in the way or interrupting or invading your friendship space with others. I'm always welcomed, and for that alone, I thank you.
But I know you, and I love you, and I just simply can't imagine every woman who meets you doesn't fall ass over teacups in love with you, too. :-)

You are one of the good ones, and those are few and far between in Second Life. What on earth have I done to deserve you? I'm just... me. I'm just Beth. And you... you are... god, you're magnificent.
Or maybe that's us. I'm just Beth, and you're just Hugh, but together... together we're extraordinary. And maybe there doesn't have to be an answer to that question from way up in the first paragraph. Maybe we just are, and what we have just is.

That's something you've taught me, baby. To relax... to breathe... to understand that sometimes questions don't need to have answers. That it's okay to just be. Perhaps that's why the last tens months have just flown by so wonderfully. You've given me the confidence in us to just take each day as it comes, knowing that what we have is there and it's not going to go away. That you're not going to go away.

Even when I get goofy like this and crawl inside my head and start asking questions that aren't, and picking apart things that don't exist.
I sometimes feel as if I don't deserve you... that I can't possibly be enough for you. But then I remember... all the grand gestures, and the small ones, too, that show me in so many ways how you think I'm quite the catch as well.

Because I am.

It's easy to forget sometimes, in my own head, that I'm pretty damn awesome just as I am. And that as lucky as I am to have you, you're lucky to have me.

We're just damn lucky that we found each other and took a chance.

Separately, we're both pretty hoopy froods. We've each got a lot, and we'd certainly survive without each other, but... damn, isn't it nice knowing we don't have to?

Where was I going with all this? Who the hell even knows? Once again, I'm using my blog as my diary, I suppose. Writing until whatever is tumbling around in my brain starts to make sense to me. :-)

Oh... you told me to go to bed early tonight, didn't you? I suppose I should wrap this up now and try to climb into bed before midnight. See you in our dreams, baby.

I love you.


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