Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Lifting the Veil?

As I've said before, we all come to Second Life looking for different things...

I've also said the Beth you get here is pretty much the same Beth you'd meet in real life.
That's not exactly true, though, is it? I mean, yes, the person on the inside is the same, but the way we we (I) behave is very different. It really has to be, doesn't it?
I had the chance to make a short trip this upcoming weekend to meet a few folks from Second Life. Honestly, when I found out a friend was going to be visiting another friend that lives fairly close to me, I was the one who invited myself along.
At the time, it sounded like a great idea. These are people I genuinely like and I'm positive that we'd have gotten along just fine in real life. It would be a fun afternoon, right?
I've also let on to the fact that I'm a bit of a nutcase, in that I do take my little happy pill every morning. I'm also quite the introvert, and I like it that way.

In my younger days, that was something I fought against. And I used alcohol to numb my desire to hide away from crowds of people, especially strangers.
These days, though? I've really pretty much embraced it. If I enjoy my time alone, why force myself into uncomfortable situations?

I'm not agoraphobic... I don't hide in my house, I'm not a hermit. I have friends and family and as I tell my two furry children every morning as I'm leaving for work, I have to leave the house to make the monies to buy the kitty food.
Second Life allows me a sort of a freedom to explore the part of me that is an extrovert, to some extent. In a lot of ways, it lets me be myself, the myself I'd like to be in a world where, you know, firstly, I actually had this incredible body, and secondly, a world where we're not so confined by... er... clothes?
No, not really clothes... inhibitions. The things I do with Hugh... would I do those with him in the real world? You bet your sweet ass I would.

Would I post them on the internet, face and all, for anyone and everyone to see? Hell no.
And would I write about it under my real name? Of course not.

But this IS me. I'm not playing a role here, but I am far more raw than I could ever be in the real world. I'm most most basic self here. I don't have to hide the Beth that I really am, behind the safety of relative anonymity.
So... after inviting myself to another SLer's house to meet with a few other SLers, I've had to rescind.

I just can't do it... don't want to do it. And it's not that I don't consider these people my friends. I do. But they are compartmentalized. They are in this world... the Second Life world... and I don't want to combine those two worlds, at least not in that way.
When you meet someone face to face, things change. You become... someone other than your avatar. Beth Macbain would become Beth McLastnameIain'ttelling. And that is scary! And you can't take it back... when it's out there, it's out there.
I don't think for one second that these folks are in any way dangerous, or scary people, or that they'd do anything to put my real life identity at risk. They are amazing, wonderful people.
But for my own protection... for the protection of who Beth Macbain can let herself be, I'm just not prepared to lift that veil.
Let's face it... the Macbain side of me is a saucy little minx. She'd pretty much rather be naked than clothed, and isn't the slightest bit bashful about letting anyone and everyone know that she (I) loves sex and does all sorts of naughty, decadent things with her (my) love. Beth Macbain will put it right in your face.
Because she can... because I can.

And I don't want that to change.
I'm very afraid that the people I was supposed to meet this weekend are angry with me for backing out... or at the very least, disappointed in me. 

And I hope that isn't true, but if it is, that's a shame. Because I am being real. And honest. And the person I need to be... the person behind all the reasons I'm in Second Life in the first place. 

And I'm good with my decision. The veil is staying down.

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