Sunday, October 26, 2014


This past week, I had the opportunity to join in the weekly Basilique chat salon. I've been a Basilique member for quite a while, but haven't spent nearly enough time there... and that is something I very much need to change.

Hugh has been to a couple of these salons and enjoyed them. He shared a some of the chat transcripts with me and I was intrigued, to say the least.

Let's face it... it's often not easy to find intelligent discourse in Second Life, especially that which is adult in nature. Basilique seems to attract individuals who are extremely sexual in nature, while holding themselves, and those around them, to a higher standard and it's very pleasing to encounter folks like that.
I had a bit of trepidation beforehand. Most of these people I'd never met before and... as you all well know... I tend to be a bit verbose at times. To paraphrase President Bartlett, "Why use ten words when you can use fifty?"

Fortunately, the lovely moderators Becky and Jack, have a format that they stick to very tightly. Each person has five minutes to speak on the subject of the week, then there is another five minute period to discuss what was said. This allows everyone to have their say and it works beautifully.

This week's topic was "What are sexual turn ons and turn offs for women and men?"

Now that's a topic I can really sink my teeth into!
However, the participants seemed to have a little something different in mind. I applaud Becky and Jack for going with the flow instead of getting testy about it as others would.

You see, in my opinion, the topic strayed away from the sexual to... well, really, what others are seeking in a partner. It became more about what people are seeking in another person rather than what turns them on, strictly sexually speaking.

I was expecting something more along the lines of discussions about the way people like to be fucked, to be frank, and that wasn't what we had at all.
What we did have was wonderfully interesting, though, and every enlightening. Being as we were in Second Life, the discussion leaned towards what we're looking for in the other avatars we chose to spend time with, rather than real life, though I'm certain there's quite a bit of cross-over there.

I'm not going to get into the individual desires of the participants. I don't have their permission to share their thoughts and the discussion was very personal. I don't feel comfortable spilling their secrets (and I'm too lazy to go back and read through the chat log).
We all have certain characteristics that we seek in others. Traits that attract us. And when we're looking for, and contemplating, letting another person into our lives, it's perfectly natural to form a sort of mental checklist.

Especially in a place like Second Life where we encounter so many people. A common theme in the chat were profiles... everyone loves profiles and it's a very easy way to make a quick decision as to whether or not a person is someone you want to get to know better.

There was a bit of dissent from my beloved on this topic. Anyone who's looked at my profile knows which camp I fall into... I will rarely speak with anyone who has a blank profile. My darling man, though his profile isn't blank, has a very short profile on purpose. I've noticed that this is something more common to men than women. Men tend not to put it all out there, as it were.
But aside from profiles, it doesn't take long in a conversation to ascertain if this is a person you will connect with.

I just went back through my chat log with Hugh... back to the very beginning. I had forgotten that we didn't fuck on the first date and he reminded me of that during the salon. I was curious to see just how our initial meeting went.

Not gonna lie... I'm rather embarrassed by how overtly sexual I was to him in our first conversation. I was downright slutty and he was just trying to be a nice guy. Thankfully, he had read this blog and knew there was a bit more to me than just being a whore!
I was partnered at the time and we (Ark and I) were just starting to have problems. He and I were never monogamous so banging Hugh wasn't a problem. It became a problem when I fell ass over teacups in love with him, though. Best problem I've ever had. :-)

So what was it about Hugh? Let me go back to my personal mental checklist...

Oh, wait... no. I didn't have one at the time. Or, I guess I probably did but whatever was on it... It had absolutely nothing to do with falling in love with him. We connected. It wasn't on purpose, it wasn't something we were both sitting there thinking "Yes, this person meets this requirement, and that requirement".
And that is the point of this entry. I very badly wanted to interject this into the salon at Basilique, but I also didn't feel it was my place to.

And I know I also would have come across as very arrogant if I had.

Most everyone in that room seemed to be seeking something, and they all had these expectations their lovers needed to meet.

And it seemed that for most of them, the people they meet never quite meet those expectations. Let me just state that there is absolutely nothing wrong with setting the bar high. We all deserve the very best.
The problem is that if we go into every encounter with these expectations and list of requirements, the most amazing people can pass right by without notice because on initial glance, they seem to come up lacking.

I was in an emotional tailspin when Hugh first IMed me. I know I wasn't at my best then. My self-worth was in a place where I thought all I had to offer was sex. I also thought that was all I was seeking.

If he had judged me solely upon that first meeting, we wouldn't have gone anywhere.

Neither of us really had any expectations of the other at that point... and as a result, it gave us something fabulous to grow on. We still are... we learn new things every day. I know that won't work for everyone. What we have is something unique to us and as easy as it has seemed, we've had to work at it. Though our connection was almost immediate, we did have things we needed to deal with, and still do. And the fun part is working through all that together.
We were talking after the salon chat, giving it our own sort of post mortem. My charming gentleman informed me that as others were talking, he was going through it as sort of his own checklist. Each thing other people said they were looking for, we had.

And it wasn't necessarily there in the beginning. That sort of intimacy takes time. And, holy shit, you have got to talk about it with your partner. You've got nothing if you don't have communication. Believe me, I know it's often not easy to tell someone what you want or need. Sometimes, Hugh still has to pull it out of me.

That level of comfort takes time. It doesn't happen overnight. But it is so, so, so worth the effort and the discomfort and the work.
So my point is, I suppose, simply this: Don't judge a book by its cover. Sometimes a masterpiece can be hidden beneath the corniest, cheesiest cover. You have to leave your expectations at the door and take a chance. A leap of faith.

I didn't think it was in the cards for me... I really didn't. I knew I was seeking something... if you'd asked me what it was at that time, I can guarantee it would have looked nothing like what I have now. And what I have now is so much better than I ever dreamed possible. 

I deserve it, yes... again, we all do. But I'm still surprised every single day when I wake up that I've got this man, and we have this relationship that is so right in ways I didn't know existed.

So, ladies and gentleman... throw away your checklist. Put those expectations on the back burner for a while. Let them simmer. There's plenty of time to stir it... but take a chance on a different recipe. 

Your new creation just might turn out delicious.

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