Saturday, February 22, 2014


Hugh, Mick and I have been trying to get together for a little meet and greet for the longest time. Timing issues in Second Life can be difficult, even when all three parties are in the same time zone! Last night, the stars finally aligned and I was able to introduce these two amazing men. And, yes, I passed the fuck out. ;-)
After my two fine gentlemen revived me, we settled down for a bit of a cuddle and chat. You, lovely readers, may not believe this but there was absolutely nothing on the agenda. It was just supposed to be a time for them to say hello. A hand shake, a case of  Yuengling exchanged between two new friends. A bottle or two raised.
Hugh started it! I was just lying there in their arms talking about life and the next thing I knew, his hand was creeping underneath my dress and up my thigh. Absolutely shameful behavior, I tell you! Mick started kissing me and his hands started roaming, cupping my breasts, pinching and playing with my nipples through my dress.
There's only so much a girl can take! I tore my dress over my head, desperately needing to be naked with my guys. This was only supposed to be a chat!

So I wouldn't feel SO exposed, my loves were kind enough to remove their jackets and shirts. So considerate of them!
It wasn't long at all before they had me writhing... and their pants were getting quite uncomfortable I do believe. I rezzed a bed in the middle of my living room (oh, the joy of Second Life!) that would be more accommodating for the three of us. And would you look at that? Their pants disappeared!
Mick slid his hand between my thighs... I don't know when I have ever been wetter. He rubbed my pussy so deliciously, inside and out, taking extra special care with my little swollen clit. Hugh curled against my side whispering words of love and encouragement in my ear, driving me wild. His cock was in my hand... I needed an anchor! Tugging and stroking him, with Mick's fat cock rubbing my thigh on the other side.

I lost it. Of course I did. Squirting and spurting everywhere... Lord, how I came. Whimpering and writhing between these two men loving me... loving and accepting all of me. The mess I made.. Jesus.
I would say this part was a reward for my two lovers... but let's be honest. I love cock. I love these two men. This was for me.
Kneeling on the bed between them, licking and sucking one gorgeous cock, then the other. Back and forth, over and over. Nursing and suckling on them both. Drooling... slobbering all over them.
Taking each of them in turn, deeper and deeper, opening my throat as their hips pumped their cocks, fucking my mouth. They both know me so well... know how much I love to have a cock in my mouth. Their cocks most especially.
And they fed me... long, thick, ribbony strings of cum, coating my face, my lips... filling my mouth. How I savored their flavors! Mixed together on my tongue... it was almost enough to make me cum again.
All it took was a flick of my fingers, a little pinch and twist of my clit and my juices came pouring down my thighs. I was a ridiculously sticky mess. Cum all over my face, in my hair, dripping off my chin... dripping down my throat. My own syrupy cum coating my pussy and thighs.
We collapsed, breathless... laughing together. Amazed. Overjoyed. I am a lucky girl indeed. I've had so many men in my life tell me that it's impossible to love two people. Those men are wrong. They are wrong.
Because these two men right here? They aren't just my lovers. They are my loves. They are my best friends. They support me. They catch me when I stumble. They dry my tears. They lift me up and urge me to soar. In their very own, very unique ways... and last night, as one.
These men did this for me. For me! So god damn selfless... so giving and generous. Because they love me! I'm humbled. I truly am. Their love for me... my love for them... it's magic.

There is no competition. They both know what they mean to me. They accept me. They accept how I love both of them without question. We talked, openly and honestly, for hours. About love, about jealousy, about time. About the hours I'll spend with each of them, and the hours we'll all spend together. There was laughter, acceptance... and joy.
I am a woman blessed. I'm stronger than I've ever been... and this is only the beginning. All three of us had talked before about threesomes and how they work. Not just the mechanics, though we talked plenty about that, too! Who drives, how it all works... As a matter of fact, when this whole thing took a turn for the naughty, we were all fully clothed, just running through the animations on the bed so we'd know what they were when we did it for realsies.

Hugh had told me something before... something I didn't really understand until last night. A threesome isn't 1 + 1+1.

It's 2 x 2 x 2.

And we proved last night that the equation works. And it works damn well.

Hugh and Mick? I love you. Unabashedly, unashamed... openly and fully. I am so very much looking forward to sharing my Second Life with you for many weeks, months, years(?) to come. There are no limits... no constraints. We have time... we have passion... and we have so damn much love. Thank you. Just... thank you.

Thursday, February 20, 2014

THIS Is An Ex Parrot

We didn't make it. Me and Ark.

We tried... well, I tried. He mostly rolled his eyes and shrugged a lot.

I'm stubborn and I hate to fail at anything. Maybe that's why I tried so hard. He's stubborn, too, which for him meant sticking to his guns and not conceding an inch. I pushed, he retreated. He slung daggers, I dove for cover.

Oh, I love him. And I know he loves me.

But there's just too much other crap in the way that neither of us are getting over anytime soon. All we were doing in the end was trying to hurt each other... insanely unhealthy for both of us.

I know I should be sad... and I am. Mostly I think I'm just sort of relieved. Or as if a weight has been lifted.

I felt like I owed it to him to try to scrape something together of our relationship. Like I had a duty because I had made an oath to him. I suppose I did... but it wasn't making me happy and it wasn't making him happy.

We both found other people. And yet we still tried to cling to something.

Finally just had to throw in the towel today and admit it wasn't going to work.

Outside of SL... still friends. I'm still there for him in any way I can be.

But inside of SL? No, right now... just no.

C'est la vie, right?

I wish you well, my dear. I hope you find the thing that finally wipes the scowl from your face. It just got to be too hard. On both of us.

Monday, February 17, 2014


I've been waiting so long
To be where I'm going
In the sunshine of your love.
There's this guy. And I've not said much about him here for a variety of reasons.

We met four weeks ago today. 
Here's the thing... I find words difficult when it comes to trying to explain what this gentleman has come to mean to me.
He's laughter and light.

He's brilliance and grace.

He is my safe harbor.
When the storm clouds in my mind start swirling and brewing, his smile chases them far, far away.

His touch.

His words. 
So calming... 

This is the man who tells me he's proud of me, of the woman I am. The one who reminds me to breathe. And takes my breath away.
He doesn't give me strength... He reminds me that I am strong.

This unpretentious man who gives himself so selflessly to me. Loves me, even when I'm being... well, me. 
I just don't have the words.

Love. Intangible, ethereal. Incendiary.


Sunday, February 16, 2014

Love, Love, Love...

 I love this man.
 I love this man.
I love this man.

Life is a funny old thing.

I used to think it wasn't really possible to love, and be in love, with more than one man.

And I've had that rug pulled right out from underneath me.

And the stupid thing? I am fully aware I'm capable of loving all these men...

But when it comes to the awareness that these men are also going to love other women?

I am a jealous twat.

And I know how hypocritical and selfish that is of me.

My ex-husband is going to be someone else's husband soon and I'm not sure how I'm supposed to feel about that.

Logically, I know there is no right or wrong way to feel. It's like grieving... you can't tell anyone how to do it. Everyone deals in their own way.

Not that I'm grieving. Oh, maybe I am a bit.

1. Denial - No way he can love anyone as much as he loves me!
2. Anger - Fuck him for loving someone else as much as he loves me.
3. Bargaining - I'll love you to the moon and back if you'll love me, too.
4. Depression - I've caused this. I've fucked everything up and it's all my fault and I hate myself.
5. Acceptance - It is what it is. I love him. He loves me. We'll find our new reality.

Where am I in this process? Hovering somewhere between bargaining and depression, I think, but able to see acceptance on the horizon.

He's happy. He's as light-hearted as I've seen him in a very long time and it's wonderful. I love him enough to want him happy, with or without me.

He's also using arrogance as a shield and while I understand why, I don't especially like it. But I'm stubborn, as is he. I won't back down... and neither will he. In a way, it's sort of fun, seeing him full of himself and bantering with me. We're pretty damn good at it.

If you strip away everything else, strip away Second Life and all the inherent drama that goes with loving in SL, we're friends. And not just casual friends... like, BFF friends. The chunk of what makes us "us" and a part of each other is deep.

I need to put my trust in that. Have some faith in us. In him and in me.

And, yes, baby, I know I need to stop overthinking every damn thing, but it's what I do.

It's why I have this blog... so I can dissect and turn things over in my brain until I get it all straightened out in my head. It's my process so I can stay (fairly) sane.

He laughs because three months is my longest relationship in SL. That stings a bit... because I know I suck at relationships, but I'm trying. I'm really trying to make it all work.

To see my men happy. To see him happy. And to keep myself happy, too. That's a lot of happiness to try to take on my shoulders and it can be a pretty heavy burden.

Am I responsible for everyone else's happiness? No. I can't be, but I want to be. It makes me very happy to bring happiness to others. I want everyone I love to be filled with joy, always.

In the process I have to make sure that I don't lose myself and my own happiness in that.

I'm struggling to figure it all out. I don't want to lose him, or Hugh, or Mick. These three guys... god. What did I do to deserve these men? I'm nothing special. I'm just me.

I want... no, need... to embrace all three of them. Hold them close to my heart. Not just love them, nurture and care for them, too. Fill their needs. Put smiles on their faces and make their hearts sing, like they make mine.

I want to be everything to everyone and I know that isn't possible. Forget that there are only 24 hours in the day... and stupid alt notwithstanding, I'm only one person. I can't possibly be everything to all three of them.

But my nature is screaming at me to try to be. And not a single one of these amazing men want me to be everything to them. None of them expect me to be Wonder Woman and able to work miracles of time and space.

So why can't I let go and just accept that? Just love and enjoy the time I have with each of these men who are so darling and precious to me?

I want three left hands. And I want a ring on each of those hands. I want to be the world to each of these guys.

Selfish as fuck, right?

And, in a way, pretty selfless, too. I'm willing to devote myself 100% to each of these men. And by doing that, I'm going to wear myself out. 300% isn't possible.

And 33.3 % doesn't seem like enough.

How in every hell do I make this work? For them, for me?

And the thing is, none of them are asking me to figure it out. I've got three guys telling me to relax and enjoy the journey. So why can't I just do that?

I'll tell you why. I'm fucking terrified of losing any of them. Of dropping a ball somewhere and having one slip away. It absolutely shakes me to my core.

It makes me feel out of control... and I hate being out of control. I have control over everything in my real world. It's part of why I'm submissive... that's when I can let go of the control and just be.

But none of these men would enjoy it if I were a simpering submissive. And I can't be. RL Beth and SL Beth are the same there.

But I know... I know... that I have to let go of some of the control. Things are happening that are beyond what I can control. I have to accept that. I have to. 

I've got to shake it off. Enjoy the man I'm with when I'm with him. Love him all the time.

They're all three going to get sick of me reassuring them of my love all the freaking time. Why do I do that? Because what I tell them is what I want to hear, too. Need to hear.

Because when you strip it all away, I'm just a scared, vulnerable little girl.

And I'm paddling against the current and grasping at branches. I'm so in love it terrifies me.

And is exhilarating and wonderful, too.

I know this... I can't let any of them go. And I'm desperately hoping they feel the same.

And maybe that's all it has to be.

Love is love is love is love.

All you need is love.

Thursday, February 13, 2014


... K... Kaaaaaaay... aaahhhh... oooohhhh... fuck!!

Ladies and gentlemen, meet Mick.

My god, Mick.

I have been fairly reticent recently about bringing anyone new into my life, for obvious reasons.

But a tiger can't change her stripes, right?

Mick approached me at a club a few nights ago. He's a fan of this little blog and that makes me immensely happy. I love knowing people actually read this damn thing.

We chatted for a while but I had to run off. We chatted again the next day, and the next.

And, as you know, I was feeling a bit lonely last night. I bought hummingbirds, for Christ's sake.

Mick took great pains in helping relieve my loneliness... and some fucking amazing photos came out of our tryst.

Mick is like me. I don't know if you can see his tattoo very well in the photos, but he's poly, a role I'm learning to embrace.

I don't have the room to fully accept a third... Not right now.

But Mick is someone I see becoming a very, very close friend. And a long-time lover.

I took a shit ton of photos.

I sort of have two modes... one mode is when I'm so into what I'm doing I can't take photos. The other mode is when I'm so into what I'm doing, I'm snapping photos without even realizing it because I have to... I just have to... capture it.

This was one of those times. Enjoy! I know I certainly did. :-)

PS... I love these photos so much I'll be posting the full set on my Flickr if you want to see the larger versions.


Thank you for the incredible evening, Mick. Looking forward to many more.

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