Saturday, December 28, 2013

So That Happened...

I fucked up tonight.
Already burned the rug... now scrubbing the floors beneath.
Did a stupid, stupid thing.

Ark and I had one rule... one fucking rule... and guess who broke it?

Yeah, that'd be my dumb ass.

It wasn't planned, and it wasn't intentional. And I hurt the person I care most about. The man I love with all my heart.
Our house is off limits. It's ours. We don't bring other people there to fuck... Not without both of us being there.

I was showing the house off today... the new house. I love it and I love what I've done with it... How I modified it and decorated it. So I wanted people to see it.

So I invited someone over. A female. And her partner.

Long story short, I ended up fucking him while she watched. The gory details aren't important. It's the end result that matters.

My amazing husband signed in right at the end with possibly the worst, most awkward timing in the history of mankind.
It wasn't that I was going to keep it a secret from him... I have no secrets from him. I was already composing the email in my head to tell him about it. I won't lie to him and I won't hide things from him. What we have is just too damn important to me. Too special. If there's something that I feel I shouldn't tell him about, then I fucking shouldn't be doing it. And I won't.

I just honestly, stupidly, didn't realize how it would hurt him to find me fucking some other guy in our house.

For two reasons... one, because I can be an oblivious twat sometimes.

Secondly... I'm just not used to being loved the way Ark loves me. It's hard for me to accept it. The last guy... Well, first off, we didn't live together. He wouldn't. But if he had landed in the middle of me fucking another guy? He would have been thrilled and used it as another way to remind me what a filthy whore I am.

That's my issue. Not my husband's. He has done nothing but loved me fiercely, and beautifully. I know he doesn't think I'm a whore. He respects my sexuality, yes. He understands it and never, ever tries to hold me back. Nor does he push me to be something I really don't want to be... which is an indiscriminate whore.

I stumbled tonight and took a step backwards. I found myself in a situation where I was fucking someone to please someone else. The wife wanted it... she wanted to watch me fuck her husband and I went along with it.

Shame the fuck on me. Seriously. I know better.

I'm not going to beat myself up about this forever... but I will remember the lesson I learned.

And this incredible man? My husband? He forgave me. Because that's the man he is. He's angry, yes. Rightfully so. But he's already forgiven me. He sat and listened and let me open up and tell him everything. And he told me things that I will hold in my heart forever. Things he would do for me... things no other man would do. Because he loves me. He really loves me. I'm not sure I really, truly, understood that until tonight. And that is so humbling for me. Do I deserve it? A part of me thinks I don't... but, damn it, I do. We all do. And he certainly deserves all the love I have to give to him. My husband is the bomb-diggity. He just is. He's my best friend. My partner in every sense of the word.
We all make mistakes. The thing is, we have to learn from them and not repeat them. One step back, two steps forward.

I am so very sorry I hurt Ark with my thoughtless and stupid actions.

I have never been happier in Second Life than I am now, with him. He fulfills me in every way.

Over the last 24 hours, I've built this beautiful little corner of Second Life for us to call our own. Our house. Our beach. Our bed. Our pictures. Our dog. Every item I put in the house, I did thinking of the two of us sharing it.

Only the two of us.
And that's not to say we won't entertain... have others come over either just to hang out, or to play. But that will be with us. The two of us. Together.

And not because that's how he wants it. It's because that's how I want it, too. Our partnership is precious to me. Our space is just that... ours.

I love you, Ark. Thank you for loving me... flaws and all. <3

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