Sunday, November 3, 2013

Getting Real

(Edit- I almost decided not to post this because it's pretty raw and, I think, different from my usual posts. But then I thought, fuck it... this is my place to say what I want to.)
Don't think for a minute that I don't realize that this post is going to be an almost complete contradiction to yesterday's post. I get it and I'd make some pithy comment about how it's a woman's prerogative to change her mind, except it's not unique to women... and this isn't so much about changing my mind as it is stripping my soul bare.

Yesterday ended up being a perfect storm of raw, bad emotions for me. Through nothing but sheer dumb luck, my two favorite lovers both put me in second place without even realizing it to the woman who initially turned the ex's head. Not the plastic blonde he's with now... someone else I genuinely like as a person.

It sent me reeling in a very ugly way. My very best friend in SL, who also happens to be one of those two favored lovers, ended up sitting with me for hours last night while I alternately cried, beat myself up, got fucking furious and ultimately, started feeling much better after he kicked my ass and helped me see some hard truths. I asked him what was wrong with me... why I hadn't been enough for the ex. What I was missing that other women have that make them so lovable and me so unlovable. He told me I was the strongest and weakest person he'd met in a long time.

That line made me sit up in my seat and I asked for clarification. I told him that I don't feel very strong and he told me that was my weakness... that I can't see for myself how strong I am.

First off, the ex really did a number on me. He can hide behind his SL game theory as much as he wants- when you treat someone who cares about you like shit, it's going to affect that person. He didn't just dump me. He was really pretty fucking vile to me, the person he had been proclaiming his love for daily for nearly three months. And it wasn't gradual... It was pretty much overnight. He's justified his behavior in his own head but he wasn't man enough to talk to me about it. Instead he just turned into a cruel ice cube.

I fucking deserved better. He made me feel like there was something wrong with my having emotions... Some good, some bad. I'm not a one dimensional Barbie doll and there isn't a god damn thing wrong with that. I never presented myself to be less than I am. I realize now that it wasn't that I wasn't enough for him- I was too much for him. That makes him the weak one, not me. He seems to have found his SL niche being a Ken doll and has his fake plastic Barbie now so... whatever. Yeah, I know that's snarky but fuck it. He's a douche bag and deserves kick in the nuts for treating me like a leper.

Our break up wasn't my fault. He couldn't handle me... ALL of me... and took the coward's way out.

Still... even knowing that... it hurt. It's taken me all this time, and a good solid smack from my BFF, to see that I have much more to offer someone than pussy. And that wanting to give all that I have to someone doesn't make me defective. It makes me pretty fucking amazing.

It's not easy putting your heart out there. The risk of being devastated is always there. But I'm willing to risk it to make another connection with someone who will, hopefully, be real with me.

In the real world, I know I'm going to be single forever. That was never really my plan... It just happened that way. I always thought there was plenty of time, but now I realize that I'm 44 and so set in my ways, my independence, that I won't ever let someone into my space, behind my walls, mentally, emotionally or physically.

Where married guys like the ex use SL as a way to be bachelors again, I'm using SL in almost the exact opposite way. For me, it's a place where I can let someone behind those walls. Where I can build a (virtual) life with another person.

That doesn't mean I'm looking to become a Second Life June Cleaver... unless June and Ward had a really kinky sex life they never showed.

I just want that one other person that's mine. That's what I miss most about the ex. Having that someone that was always there for me... and being able to be the one other person that was there for him. Someone that will accept and love me whether I'm being the fun, flirtatious life of the party, or I want to curl up in front of the fireplace and just cuddle and talk for hours. Someone who'll be by my side whether I'm full of joy, or feeling down in the dumps, and will let me be there for them in the same ways.

I'm not monogamous and doubt I ever will be. There's just too much temptation out there and I'm too sexual to deny myself when those opportunities come along. And I don't expect my future partner, whoever he may be, to be my cuckold. He's going to have other sexual partners, too, and we both have to be mature enough to handle the complications that go along with that. The ex and I supposedly had that but he took off as soon as someone else reached him on a non-sexual level instead of sticking it out with me and talking about it, something we assured each other we'd never do.

It's hard being in an open relationship- You have to be best friends with your partner, actually enjoy them in non-sexual ways because if sex is all you have, it's not going to work. And it's hard for me to let men see the non-sexual side of me. The ex (and years of other shit) convinced me that all I have to offer a man is pussy. If I'm not being sexual at a level 11, I'm nothing.

That's simply not true. Deep down inside, I know that but hiding behind the walls of being a whore is safe. Being a strong, sex-positive woman is a large part of who I am, but it isn't everything. Sometimes, I don't want to fuck. There, I said it. Being a whore is easy- and that goes for both genders and you transsexuals, too. I don't want easy anymore... I want to put some work into building something solid. The end result will be worth it.

I'm a complicated human being. We all are and in my opinion it's damn silly to try to pretend that we aren't. I guess it works for some, but not for me. I want more, I deserve more and I will have more.

I'm not a big fan of Marilyn Monroe and I hate that she's the one who said this but there is a lot of truth to her quote about men who can't handle her at her worst don't deserve her at her best.

I'm fucking awesome... from every angle inside and out. A man would be lucky to have me by his side.

So where are you guys? The strong men who aren't afraid of a challenge like me? I know you're out there. Say hello.

1 comment:

  1. I have just installed iStripper, and now I enjoy having the sexiest virtual strippers on my desktop.


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