Wednesday, October 23, 2013

Who's Full Of Shit...?

This girl, that's who!
So earlier tonight I blogged about emotional non-emotional sex. And I meant it, I did.

Woman do not fall in love with every man they meet.

After I posted, I went into Second Life, trying to find something I was in the mood for.

ROMANCE! That's what I wanted!

I dolled myself up in my most gorgeous formal and trekked off to Frank's. I know, I know.

But, anyway, I met this dude... nice guy. Handsome. Military. We chatted, he asked me to dance... romance out the wazoo.

I was miserable and bored to tears.

I realized that as much as I might want to sometimes, I can't create romance. I wanted, very badly, to feel a connection to someone. To feel important and cherished and validated in my humble existence.

I wanted to feel like a girl.

A pretty, desired girl. Woman. Not like a filthy, slutty whore.

I just felt empty. I wanted to be held, yes... but by someone who meant something. By someone I meant something to.


I wish I was a far simpler woman than I am. Wish I could be completely content whoring my way around Second Life (and real life, too, for that matter).

I'm searching... I know that. I just don't know what I'm searching for. I really liked being first in someone else's life when I was with the dude.

After the breakup, I really liked throwing off the (self-imposed) shackles and being free to be where I wanted, when I wanted, with who I wanted.

When I was in a relationship, I wanted my freedom to explore and play. Out of a relationship, I want to be tied down... just a bit.

The balance has to be there somewhere, right? Where's the guy I can lean on when I need to? And who will look the other way when I need to spread my wings?

I want everything and nothing. I want to be used like a filthy whore then turn around and be treated like a cherished goddess.

I want to lie on a crate and be fucked over and over by a room full of handsome men... and I want to be whisked off my feet and taken to the most romantic private spot in Second Life and romanced until I cry.

I want to give of myself, and be given to in return.

I don't ask for much, do I?

Do I deserve it, though? Yes. We all do.

I want... something. Something just beyond my reach... it's nothing but a faint glimmer on the horizon right now. I don't know what it is. But it's out there, and I just can't reach it. I'm stretching, aching for it... whatever it is.

I'll keep going, moving forward, trying not to look behind me.

She says, walking towards the horizon, glancing back over her shoulder.

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