Monday, October 21, 2013

Good vs. Bad

Here's a thought that popped into my mind last night.

Good girls want the bad boys.

Good boys want the bad girls.

Nice boys finish last, but good girls are the ones that get taken home to meet mom.

Bad boys and bad girls clash, too explosive.

Good girls and boys bore each other.

Where's the balance? The bad boy will inevitably break the good girl's heart. The bad girl will either turn the good boy into a bad boy or leave him in the dust for the next challenge.

I'm no different, yet I straddle the line between good and bad. I want to be a good girl, I do. But I can't control the bad side. The naughty side that could never fully commit to one other person.

Since the breakup, I've taken a few lovers. And in certain ways, I adore each of them.

I have a boy that loves me. We met in Second Life but our interactions are mostly outside of that. He wants to treat me like a goddess... a queen. Put me on a pedestal and admire me. He cherishes me and wants to show me in every way.

Oh, how I'd love to be able to give that back to him. I've told him that I'm not in a place to give my heart to anyone. He doesn't care. He simply loves me.

I'm going to hurt him again. For the second time. I can't help it. I enjoy what I have with him, but it won't be more than that... I don't have it to give him. I don't have that to give to anyone at the moment and I know myself well enough to know I'll never be able to feel as deeply for him as he does for me.

I'm aware of this.

I'm aware he's not bad enough for me. And I'm not good enough for him.

My problem... well, one of many of my problems... is that I want to be a bad girl who is treated like a good girl.

I am a bad girl.

And I love the bad boys.

Maybe I'm over-simplifying things. I'm a woman with many layers... we all are. Complex, confounding human beings driven both by our brains and our instincts. The two are bound to clash at times.

I am darkness and light. I'm a Pollyanna who consistently sees the best in people, yet loves to test the limits, to see just how far you can push another person into the abyss. And to see just how far I can be pushed. The men who encourage my wickedness are the ones I'll return to again and again.

And I love it. I love it more than being good. Our bodies are built for pleasure... to seek and to give it.

Who am I to fight that?

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