Thursday, March 7, 2019

The Worry

This guy. 

Finn.

The guy. 

I believe that people are capable of loving more than one person. Polyamory, I guess. More than believe... I know because I have been in love with more than one man at the same time. Many in real life, many in Second Life, and a couple have crossed back and forth between the two.

Finn is one of those men.
He started off as a friend and lover in SL many years ago, before Hugh, but he had someone else, and I had someone else, and then things happen... and he then he was gone from SL.

We never really lost touch, though. Email, Skype, Kik, etc., etc... he's always been around in my life, just not in my SL. We've mostly been friends, with the occasional phone call that never failed to end up with both of us naked and doing dirty things because that heat has always been there. Always.

Several times we've started to start something bigger. I love him, and I know he loves me, and it's been that way for years. 
The problem, and the reason I eventually pretty much ghosted him, was that he'd left Second Life.

And that's important to me when looking at the prospect of a long distance relationship with anyone. Second Life gives us a world to live in that isn't separated by all those miles. It provides the visual that is missing over the phone.

Sure, there are webcams but that is still two people sitting hundreds of miles apart. Second Life lets you cuddle up with them. Dance. Socialize. Build a world for the two of you. Fuck.

Without that, I can't do a real relationship with someone no matter how much I love them.
Remember, I'm single, and I like it. My real life is just how I want it and planned it.

But... I love the escape into another world where I chose a different path in life. Where I can be someone's one and only. Okay, maybe not only because I'm also not a big fan of monogamy, but I think you all know what I mean.

Beth is Beth is Beth is Beth, but SL Beth is more of an alternate reality for me... not a virtual one, an alternate. And I adore being able to live that alternate life for a couple hours a day, or few hours a week, or whatever I feel.
So, Finn had left SL. I hadn't, and haven't, and have no desire to leave.

I know that once you leave SL, it's hard as hell to come back. I left for over a year once and it was a very strange process to come back. When I left, there was no mesh. System clothes and Ruth and all that. Somewhere I read about mesh and and wanted to see what it was all about. God, remember system skirts with that little patch you had to adjust? Wasn't that the worst?

So mesh clothing intrigued me and I wanted to try it out. I logged back in and started playing grown up Barbies again. My raging libido soon got the better of me, and that's around the time I met Finn.

Anyway, I know it's hard to come back to SL when you've been gone a long time. The old habits of logging in die. It becomes something that you just used to do, but don't anymore.
Over the years, he and I have gone through a lot. We grow close, we grow apart, we grow close... the pattern repeats.

Until the last time. Something changed and the love was feeling pretty big and overwhelming. I wanted him to be my guy.

That was last summer.

I couldn't ask him to come back to SL. I just couldn't. It had to be a decision he made on his own. I both wanted to be the reason, and didn't want that responsibility on my shoulders and I simply could not ask him.
He's been gone a long time, you guys. Forget mesh clothing... he missed the entire mesh body revolution AND Bento. Second Life has gotten a lot more expensive. Men get fucked when it comes to clothing, too. I've spent a lot of time this week shopping for him, helping him get updated, and HOLY SHIT, men's clothing is insanely expensive!

I get it's a supply and demand thing... women are more into fashion and there is much more competition for our business, but damn.
Anyway, I couldn't ask him to come back.

I couldn't ask him to make that commitment and spend the money to get updated and relearn everything and change his real life to make room for Second Life again.

And instead of telling him all that, I fucking ghosted him.
And he tried. A Skype message here and there, he actually popped in SL a few times to send me a message trying to reach me... I answered none of them.

Here I was afraid to tell him I wanted him to come back to Second Life and he was coming in Second Life just to try to get me to talk to him and I wouldn't answer.

I know. I'm a dumb ass.
And then I had the gall to write a blog post bitching about someone else basically ghosting me.

Like he was going to pass up the opportunity to let me know he'd read that and point out the irony.

And something clicked in me and I told him the truth. I told him I wanted him to come back, that I wanted to make it work this time, and that I wanted to go all in with him.

He said yes.
And I am terrified, you guys. Terrified.

Not of him. I know he loves me. He knows I love him. We've always loved each other. The sticking point was always me. How many times have I run away from him over the years? Many. Hell, I've even avoided blogging about him... never a single mention of him. Why?

It would have made it real.

Over the years, I've written about nearly every single thing happening in my life, but I've always kept Finn in a little box tucked away, afraid to talk about him. If I had, because he reads this, it would have forced the conversation that I was too scared to have with him.

That conversation has started. It started when I admitted that I wanted him to come back to Second Life.
And we've spent the past week getting him reacquainted with SL. Body, head, appliers, blah, blah, blah... spent ALL THE LINDENS which I feel terribly guilty about.

It ain't cheap. By the time you add in the clothing, the hair, eyes, an AO, cock (of course!), etc., etc., it adds up.

So what am I terrified about?

What if he can't make it? Like everyone else, he has a real life and it's pretty robust and busy. What if he just can't make the changes, or the time, to really be inworld with me? What happens then?

I end up partnered but alone? Or with egg on my face because once again, I just couldn't make it work with someone I love?

A failure again?
I'm over-thinking all this, and I know I am. He's going to tell me the same thing when he reads this.

As he told me when I said I wanted him to come back but couldn't ask him to do that, it wasn't my decision to make. He decided to come back. Yes, I told him that's what I wanted but he could have easily said it wasn't what he wanted.

He didn't. He came back.

And if feels so damn good to be with him. So damn right and easy and sublime.
But I'm fucking petrified.

He's hot and heavy and wonderful right now, as these  photos show, but what if his logins become less frequent?  A few minutes here and there? Skype messages that he's tired, or busy, or worst of all, no message at all?

I'm so damn used to being left that I expect it even when things are amazing. 
My normal MO in these situations is to do something to fuck it up. I go ahead and push them to leave me so I can just get it over and done with since I think it's inevitable. Finn is the one man I've never been successful at pushing away.

That's gotta mean something, right?

I don't want to fuck this up.

I don't want him to go away.
I want this so badly.

I want him. Just him. I want us to have our world that we create together in Second Life. I want to be his partner in every way possible.

I've loved him longer than anyone.
How do I get myself out of my head and stop worrying so much?

He knows me and he knows I'm going into my head. He knows I blog when I need to think things through and try to untangle the mess in my brain. He understands that there are things I have to say to him that for whatever reason, I have to put in blog form. He gets that this is my journal and that it's open for him, and anyone else to read.

What I'm saying is that I'm sure he's expecting this... lol.
Part of what's going on is that I'm on vacation this week, and he's working. I have pretty much every minute free to bask in our honeymoon phase and he's out there making a living.

I don't want to smother him. Does he like checking his phone and seeing 10 Skype messages from me, or does he wish I'd just be quiet? I don't know.

Does he feel bad at night when he hasn't got the time or privacy to log in and knows I'm inworld wanting to be with him? Is that how I'm going to fuck things up?
The man has been there for me for years. He's seen every up and down, every good relationship, every bad one, every time I've sunk into depression, every time I've been filled with joy.

Grief... losing my brother, losing my dad. Darkness and light. He's seen it all.

And he still loves me. Still wants me. Still willing to make the sacrifice to come back to SL to be with me.
So what the hell am I worrying about? I'm supposed to be over the moon right now, and I am... God, the man makes me smile.

But I can't help this annoying worry in the back of my head that just won't go away.

Don't fuck this up, Beth. Don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up, don't fuck this up...

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