Saturday, March 2, 2019

Letting Beth be Beth

No, you're not imagining things. There were some other posts here that are now gone. Keeping them up wasn't worth the damn headache.

I have had a week of shit. Absolute shit.

I know who I am, and I know my flaws. I know them better than anyone.

My numerous flaws. I am an impatient over-thinker with a penchant for jumping to conclusions and when I get my teeth into something, I don't let go until the matter is settled, for good or for bad.

Do you think I'm unaware of this? Do you think this isn't something I've struggled with for, oh, forty years or so?

Flaws... I have them, I know them.

And there is someone else who knows them almost as well as I do.

And he loves me because of them. Not in spite of them, because of them.

This is the real point of this particular post. This is a love letter, honey. To you.

Hell week brought heaven to my doorstep.

An old, old friend. Someone I actually knew before Hugh. Not well, but I knew him. Sometimes I have to remind myself that there was life before Hugh. There was Second Life before Hugh.

My life didn't begin with Hugh, and it didn't end with him, either.

This person, this man has been in my life in one form or another all these years, even after he left Second Life. We get close, we drift apart, we get close, we drift apart... over and over for all these many years.

After the last time we came together, I did the very thing to him that I was enraged at someone else for doing. I ghosted. The reasons why are between the two of us, but the fact of the matter is that I ghosted.

He read one of my now deleted posts and poked me. Not angrily, but with a laugh. Just a little tickle, reminding me what I did.

And the clouds lifted. Something happened. Something wonderful and amazing and ridiculous and perfect.

You guys, this man has loved me for years. The good me, the bad me, and everything in between.

He has been there, every single time. Talking to me, listening to me, giving me advice when I needed it, scolding me when I needed it, hugging me when I needed it, making me laugh when I needed it, and always loving me when I needed it, and even when I didn't.

What kind of a jackass have I been? What kind of a blind moron?

We've been lovers over the years. I've loved him. We almost, almost, made it work once but it wasn't our time and I just wasn't ready.
Paths crossed, we went this way, that way, the other way. He went completely off Second Life.

Something different is happening now. Why? I'm not sure it matters but I'd guess it has a lot to do with spending a month wasting time with a man who couldn't, or wouldn't, get to know the real me and made no attempt to try to understand me.

And here's this other man. This man. The man.

Over the years, I've been a lot of things but mostly I've been either too much or not enough.

I have never been just right for anyone.

Well, anyone except this one person who has been in my life for what feels like forever. And I just kept searching for something. I don't even know what, couldn't put it into words and still can't, and he was always just standing there.

Standing there, watching me, bemused, waiting for me to see what was right in front of my nose this whole time.

I see you now, sweetheart.

And this time? This time I'm not letting go of you. You know me. ME. You understand who I am, both in Second Life and outside of Second Life. You accept me, warts and all. Oh, and you know things as well. Those things that I've only ever shared with you. The things you've only shared with me. There has always been a bond between us but I was too... fuck, too constantly overwrought to see it, to just let it be what it is.

Trying to fit the square pegs into round holes and not fucking understanding why they just didn't fit when I wanted them to fit and absolutely wearing myself out fretting about it.

I think it's safe to say your peg fits perfectly in my hole...

And you make me whole.
"And I know I make the same mistakes every time
Bridges burn, I never learn, at least I did one thing right
I did one thing right..."
I told you there was a Taylor Swift song out there for us. 😉

There is a line in the song that says "I want to wear his initial on chain around my neck, not because he owns me, but because he really knows me, which is more than they can say," and truer words were never spoken.

You know me. Somehow, somewhere, in the course of all these years, you got inside me and you absorbed my soul into yours. You've given me the distance I needed to find my way to you. Never pressured, never fussed, never judged.
You're my rock. The port in the storm that is Beth.

You are kindness and acceptance and love. Comfort and safety. Ecstasy and euphoria and completion.  Joy. Pure, unbridled, unfiltered bliss.

And I cannot, will not, live without you.

I've no doubt people will read this, and roll their eyes, and think "oh hell, again, Beth, really?" but we know better, don't we? I remember the first time we met, the first time we spoke. I even remember where I was, but I don't remember when it was... six years ago? Before Hugh, before my first partner... certainly as long as this blog has existed, and that was in 2013.

Our dance has been going on all that long, and we're just now getting to the good part.

This week. I've been wrong about so many damn things this week. About myself, about people that I thought cared about me. About how this week was going to end.

I never once imagined this would be where I am.

The insane whirling dervish that has been my life ended. You replaced it with peace and calm and unconditional love. Unconditional.

It is returned to you, baby... unconditionally, for now and forever. You are a gift that I have kept on the shelf far too long. No more. Never again. This is my promise and my vow to you. I will never take you for granted again. My treasure. The pot of gold at the end of the rainbow.

Quite simply, you're mine. I'm yours. That's it. This is it. Us.

Finally. Finally.

I love you without reservation. Without qualifications, without conditions. Without filters. 😌

I loved you before I could say the words. I love you today.

And I will most assuredly love you tomorrow and for all our tomorrows.

I. am. yours.















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