Monday, February 13, 2017

Egg on my Face... Again

The fuck is that?! All over my face?
Oh shit, is that what I think it is?

Again?

Really?
Oh, for fuck's sake, Beth, really?

Look at you, you stupid twat! You'll never fucking learn, will you?
Egg on your face again.

All over your fucking face. Can barely see for all the damn egg.
Oh yes, I did it again.

I fell for the perfect man. All in, 100%.

Again.
Jesus fucking Christ, you moron!

Egg. All over my face.

Because, you see, after a couple utterly blissful days, he dumped me to go back to his ex.
Oh, no, it's not the first time. The conversation was nearly identical. "Beth, I talked to my ex today..."

"I have to give it a chance."

OH BULL FUCKING SHIT. No, you fucking don't. You broke up for a god damn reason, namely being that she CHEATED on you. Are you fucking kidding me? ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?

I was warned... friends told me I was moving too fast but did I listen? Nooooooooooooo...

Because I never, ever learn. Because I am insanely, ridiculously ignorant.
This shit is not washing off.

I am clearly tainted. There is just something about me that makes women fucking cling to their exes. "Yes, I'm dumping you... I cheated. Fucked another guy, I did. Fucked him good. Lots of times. I am sooooo done with you! Oh, wait... what's that? You're seeing Beth Macbain? Huh... perhaps I was a bit rash. Let's give it another shot, baby. I'll be good t his time, I swear. I love you."

Shit, piss, fuck, cunt, cocksucker, mother-fucker, tits.

I even asked! I did! "Are there any other women I need to worry about?" The answer? NOPE! He said "Nope!"

"Oh, you mean her? Oh yes, her... well, yes, I've got feelings for her. So you see, when I said 'nope', I really meant 'nope, except for my ex' but I thought you understand that."

Well guess what? I fucking didn't understand that because you didn't fucking say that.
So here I am, again, egg all over my damn face, looking like the utter jackass that I am. Alone again, of course. Because, fuck me, right? I thought he was sincere. I trusted him, god damn it. I gave him my trust, every single bit of it, in spite of the warnings, in spite of everything, I gave him my trust. 

I thought this was it. I thought this was the man who could hold his own against the ghost of Hugh.

I was wrong. Of course I was wrong. Because I'm stupid as hell. 

Hey, at least he didn't fuck me, right?

Happy Fucking Valentine's Day.

I quit.

Saturday, February 11, 2017

He Won't Fuck Me

I met him last night.

It always happens when you least expect it, doesn't it? Or when you've given up looking for it, or even sworn off looking for it?

He wants to know me. ME. He wants to learn who I am, the real me, before tossing me down on the bed.

And the funny thing about it? I'm perfectly okay with that. More than okay, actually. Because he's funny. And a dork. And intelligent. And kind.

He's so very kind.

I first spotted him last night when he landed at the Chamber... me, standing there in nothing but boob-baring lingerie, looking to get laid. I had an eye on my radar and he was fresh meat, as it were, so I cammed in on him. He'd landed on the other side of the hotel and took off at a dead run to reach the boardwalk on the other side.

And slammed right into the doorway. He made me laugh before we'd even said hello. I skimmed his profile and liked what I saw, but I didn't approach him. As a matter of fact, I left.

He IMed me as soon as I landed at home. We chatted, I went back. We chatted some more and he made a couple of adorable blunders. I have such a weakness for dorks, being as I am one myself. 

We ended up back at his place, dancing on his dock. And that was it. Dancing and talking, followed by more dancing and talking this afternoon. 

That thing when you meet someone and it just clicks. It has clicked hard. Talking with him, laughing with him, learning him... it's the most fun I've had in quite a long time. 

The anticipation... waiting to hear from him, waiting for him to login. God, I've missed that! Not to just fuck him... but to be with him. Just him, locked inside our own world of our own making. 

Oh dear. 

Oh wow.

I don't know how long he's going to make me wait before he beds me, and I honestly don't care... as long as he stays with me, and keeps being the man he seems to be, I'm happy.

Oh. My. God.

I'm happy. 

Tuesday, February 7, 2017

Playing with the Golden Ratio

First off, let me say that this experiment is in no way scientific or even probably close to being accurate. I'm a hack... I don't even use PhotoShop to edit my pics (I use Pixlr.com).

But I was curious how my new Bento head measured up to the Golden Ratio for the "perfect" face.

I took a series of photos of myself wearing various shapes, then fiddled with the head until I made a shape that was close to fitting the proportions of the Golden Ratio. I used this image as a guide.
I started out with my old system shape that I wore for years until I finally bought my first mesh head.
Okay, that's bad. 

It absolutely amazes me how different the mesh heads look with our old shapes. When they first started kicking around Bento, I assumed (quite wrongly) that we'd be able to slap it on our favorite shape and it'd be perfect. As you can tell from above... just no.

Then I put on the shape I used with my Catwa Alice head.
That's actually closer, but as you can see, the eyes and lips are both too low. 

Oh, by the way, when I overlaid the Golden Ratio, I lined it up with the bottom of my nose... the little triangle area. 

Then I started trying it with the various different versions of shapes I made when fitting the Bento head. I used a combination of shapes... I used the one that came with the head, and I bought two others... one from Strawberry Singh and one from West End, both made especially for Kimberly. 

Because I hit save, instead of save as, I accidentally didn't keep the original of those shapes for me to show you. 

I think this is a version made from the original Catwa shape that came with Kimberly. 
Now that I look at it, I don't think it is. Maybe? I'm just not sure... I could have gotten a redelivery, but I was too lazy. 

This looked way to harsh for me, so I ended up using the one from West End and futzing with it. 
This was getting closer... but still way too harsh looking for me. 

So from this, I took several of the numbers from Berry's shape, mainly the mouth, and made a combination of the two shapes.

And then I changed them all and just kept fiddling until I found something I think I like.
This just barely matches the Golden Ratio anywhere... the nose and lips, maybe, but the head is way too long, the eyes are too high and the face isn't wide enough. 

Then I made the Golden Ratio face, or as close to it as I could get. I used the profile, too, using this image. 
Here is what I ended up with. 
That's pretty close, right? The head is still a bit longer but the eyes, nose and mouth all match up fairly well. 

Here's the profile view. 
This was a lot harder... adjusting it to match this without messing up the frontal view too much. The nose isn't big enough but it's close. This is the same shape in both photos.

I tried the frontal image with hair. 
It definitely looks better with hair, doesn't it?

Up close, I think this looks great. Maybe it doesn't necessarily look like me, but it still looks great. 

From a distance, though... 
It starts to look odd to me. It's too wide and the chin is too small. 

Here it is without the grid on top. 
Nooooooo... not for me. I think it looks like a tan, dark-haired Callista Flockhart. It's all squishy. But it's supposed to be the ideal, right??

Is there an ideal for beauty? Maybe it's the flaws and imperfections that really set us apart. 

This look might be great for someone else, but not for me. I went back to the one I created yesterday. 
This is the same shape from several photos up, with the head that's way too long and the eyes that aren't in the right place. 

But you know what? I like it. It feels more like me than the "perfect" face. 
I think she looks much better, both up close and from a bit of a distance. I think she's softer and more real. 

Maybe it's just me? I don't know. I suppose it's really all subjective and all that matters is what YOU like and what feels good to YOU. 

One final look, side by side. 
That's weird... the "me" photo looks edited... I shot both photos using CalWL with a bright white spotlight on me and didn't edit either of them except for cropping. 

Anyhoo... that was a fun little experiment. If anything, it just confirmed that I like the look I have now.

Perfection is over-rated. 

Bento'd as Fuck

I gots all the Bento stuffs now. Bento head, Bento hands, Bento pussy... okay, just kidding about that last one, but you get the idea.

Last night I decided I needed wiggly fingers and didn't want to wait for Maitreya (yes, I've forsaken my beloved Belleza... more on that later) to get around to adding Bento hands so I bought the Vista Bento Hands.
How much fun are they?? LOTS of fun! Of course, I don't have nearly enough hand poses or animations for them. How do you make your own? I checked out this HUD last night, too. Supposed to be a Bento handjob HUD. Now I know it's a first-to-market kind of thing, but HOLY SHIT! Whoever the person is that made it must have a cock the size of a prize-winning eggplant. The grip was HUGE.

So, yeah, didn't buy that.

Creators, if you could get on that, I'd appreciate it. Ditto for some face animations to go with those hand animations for... um, you know, sex. I need a few "oh yes, that's the spot!" and "c'mere, let me get my hands (and mouth) on THAT" faces. Oh, and some orgasm faces, please.
I went with the Catwa Kimberly head. It seemed the most mature of the heads I looked at, and I'm familiar with how Catwa works. 

The shape... Christ, the shape! Who knew it would be so hard to get it right?? And I still don't have it exactly right. I feel like my face is kind of squished, though I have the head stretch set on like 80 or something... and then I have a big chin. Or maybe I'm just not used to the look yet.

I like it a lot up close, but for some reason the further I pan out, the less I like it. 
No idea why that is. The profile looks decent now and that was an issue. It was an issue with my previous Catwa head, too. It just looked too Barbie-like. It's better now.

But there is something about the face that still isn't quite right. I think. One second I think it looks perfect, and then the next I think it's just entirely out of whack. When you stare at individual features and tweak them, then you find it doesn't fit the rest of the face when you look at it as a whole. So then you start tweaking everything to make it match and end up with a look that is entirely different from what you were going for.

I think I've got it pretty close, though. I think I still look like me, and that was important. And I don't think I have resting bitch face which was an even bigger deal, since I absolutely hate that look. I don't know why people want to look like they hate the world and just ate something bitter all the time.

I want to look... pleasant. Kind. Happy. I think, maybe, I've achieved that?
Oh, yeah, the body.

I pulled out my Maitreya Lara a week or so ago and tucked the Belleza away. I'm sad about that, but, damn it, I wanted the clothes!

I had HUGE hopes when Tricky finally released the Belleza updates and the developer's kit, and a few more designers did start using them.

But a lot didn't and I just got bloody sick and tired of finding something I wanted and not being able to get it.
I have no idea what happened there, or why. Maybe the "Maitreya Exclusive" designers have some sort of deal with Maitreya? Or they just decided they had enough of the market share and didn't need to pick up new business?

I know some of these designers got the Belleza kit. Some, like Dead Dollz, made a couple of items for Belleza then stopped.

I don't know, but I got tired of it and reluctantly became a Maitreya girl.
I still think the Belleza is the superior body, and the HUD is, in my opinion, a much better HUD, but somehow Maitreya has locked up the market, or Tricky pissed off all the designers or something.

Anyway, I can now shop and buy whatever I want.

My pocketbook hurts... lol! Why is Erratic's lingerie so expensive? I mean, it's awesome, but Jiminy Christmas! However, a couple of years ago, Erratic did me a solid. I doubt she even remembers, but I do so I'm glad to be giving her my lindens in spite of the ouch factor.

Designers, we consumers don't forget when you give us excellent customer service. I couldn't buy her stuff for a couple of years, but I'll be making up for it now.
Anyway, so yeah... I'm almost entirely new.

About the only thing I haven't replaced lately is my vagina, and that's only because I haven't found anything better than the VAW yet.
I think I have the Lara looking pretty good. I think the feet are too... young looking, but what are you gonna do, right?

I'm sure I'll keep tweaking this head for the next few weeks. If I know me, and I do, since I am me, it'll probably end up looking totally different by the time I'm done. I look at the first photos I took when I got my Catwa Alice head and cringe. It takes time to get something to feel, and look, just right.
I'm sure it'll be worth the effort in the long run. This is exactly what I wanted when mesh heads first hit the market - a head I could make my own. I just have to figure out how to do that... fiddling and farting around, tweaking this, adjusting that... eventually I'll fall in love with the look.

I hope I get there soon! Thankfully, I'm on vacation this week so I have plenty of time to play with it.

And play with some boys, too! Men, that is... not boys.  
I wonder if Hugh would even recognize me now.

No matter, I suppose. But still... I wonder.

As for other men, well... I have some delightful FWBs right now. There is one fellow I'm interested in.

He's not interested.

I finally gathered all my courage and approached him last night to confess that I have a crush on him. He was very kind, and told me he was just getting out of a long term thing and that he just wasn't ready to get into anything. And you know what I did?

I was a good girl! I didn't push him, didn't offer NSA sex or a blowjob or anything. I wished him well and left him be. Blessed and released.
Oh well, I have all these new animations and gestures to play with. That should keep me occupied for a bit.

Anyway, what do you guys think of the new look? I resisted getting a mesh head for so long and now I'm addicted.

But I've been staring at myself for too long and can't see the whole picture objectively now. Opinions? Critiques? Suggestions? I'm open to all!

And... thank you for reading my blog. I do appreciate it and probably don't say that enough. :-)

Sunday, February 5, 2017

Rainy Days

I have a thing for water.

It's probably actually a fetish... anything to do with water arouses me. The ocean, rivers, pools, little streams, rain... and storms. Especially storms.
If you want to make me wet... get me wet. Take me sailing, to the beach... find a sim where there is a raging storm brewing.

Odds are pretty good that I'll fuck you if you do that.
And I'll fuck you good, too. Because the water just does something to me... it brings out the animal in me. I want to be wet, wild, raw... utterly primal.
So today, after trying for far too long to get into the Fetish Fair (I still haven't gotten in!) I decided to step outside my new house and into a nice little rain storm.

Naked, of course.
The feel of those teasing little raindrops hitting me all over, running down my body... 

shivers 

Fuck, it drives me wild.
I admit it... sometimes when I'm taking photos of myself, I get aroused.

Is that narcissistic?

I can feel myself in the situation I've put myself in... I could feel the rain pouring down on me, never mind that it's a sunny, cold, winter day where I am in RL. In my mind, I was in a rainy meadow outside my house. It was warm, and wet. I could smell the rain on the air, feel the wet grass blowing against my bare legs.
I could hear the soft patter of the drops falling from the sky.

I could feel every single drop of rain teasing my body.
It felt good.

It felt really good.
And I wanted to play.

Oh, I suppose I could have called someone over to entertain me in the rain, but... well, I was feeling myself.
Yesterday I splurged and bought the Dutchie bondage horse. I've been wanting it for a while and finally decided to go for it.

Every time I get a new house, I always set aside one room that's a bit on the kinkier side. A bit more masculine, a bit more... designed to feed my baser, submissive needs.

I'm still working on the room in this new house, but the bondage horse fits in quite nicely.
And still wet from the rain, it was time to take him out for a ride.

I climbed right up on that little dildo strapped to it and let myself go.
And it was a divine ride. The supplied cock is a bit smaller than I like, but it did the job. Grinding on it, pinching and twisting my clit... it didn't take long.

I was already ripe... my little peach was juicy and dripping from the rain.
There is something incredibly sensual about getting lost in yourself this way. I wasn't fantasizing about anyone else... it was just me, the rain, and the little cock inside me. My hands, my body...

My orgasm was just for me. All mine.
It ripped through me in a white hot fury. One of those toe-curling orgasms that leave your thighs shaking and your entire body thrumming and pulsing.

It was just what I needed.
And then into the shower to wash away the rain and the sticky juices coating my thighs. Hot steamy water, sudsy scented soap... bubbles and wet, wet, wet heat. 

Oh, and my fingers. No little fake cock inside me this time... just my fingers, rubbing and probing and tickling as the shower sluiced down my body. My second orgasm wasn't quite as intense as the first one... this was the icing on the cake. The little gasps, the gentle ripples... that sublime feeling of bliss and satisfaction as it left my body. 

sigh

It just leaves me wanting more.

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