Sunday, December 31, 2017

Phoenix Rising

Well, here we go... time to relaunch my baby, my blog.

2017 was a year of abject pain for me, misery like I've never felt before.

2018 will be a year of reinvention.
I've been told that in the past, my blog has been too negative. To me, it's been raw and real, sometimes good, sometimes bad. 2017 was bad for me. Perhaps many of my posts had a negative bent to them, but... I had a lot of negative emotions roiling inside me.

My father died. My last parent. It devastated me beyond the telling of it. I know some people can't understand the depth of that kind of pain. I know some people don't have the same strong, loving relationship with their parents that I did, and I know some people haven't gone through what it feels like to lose a parent, much less both of them. It god damned near put me in the grave right along with them. I won't apologize or feel bad for the grief I felt, still feel, and the way I've dealt with my grief. There is no right or wrong way to grieve. I did it, am still doing it, my way.
Life isn't always pretty.

I won't change the way I write this blog going into 2018. It's who I am and that is what this blog has always been. It is mine.

And no one is forced to read it.

Moving forward, I'm going to try to stop labeling myself so much... submissive, dominant, alpha, slave, whatever. I'm just me, and I'm pretty fucking awesome at being me. I've been being me for a very long time.
At times, I may be any of those things, and a billion more as well. And I have the right to every one of those nouns and adjectives. I'm following my happiness and if I start down a path that seems to be bringing me down, I will change it.

And there will be hurt involved.

It can't all be sunshine and rainbows and puppies and ladybugs and unicorns farting glitter.

I may be a Pollyanna, but I'm a realistic Pollyanna.

And I am not a Second Life Barbie Doll. I am a real woman with real emotions... sometimes joy, sometimes fury.
No one ever asks men to stop being so negative, do they? Who walks up to a man sitting on a bus and says "Smile! You look so pretty when you smile!"

So, you know, fuck a bunch of that bullshit.

Sometimes I don't want to smile. Sometimes I want to cry. Sometimes I want to scream.

And sometimes I fucking will if that's what I feel like doing.
I'm starting off 2018 by not getting what I want. I was tasked to change myself into someone I'm not... and I can't do it. Nor do I want to do it. Super-submissive beta slave girl.

It kinda makes me giggle to think I could ever be that. And who really calls themselves alpha or beta anything?

"Hi there! So nice to meet you! Just in case you were wondering, I'm an alpha. Here's my card. And you?"
It hurts that I'm letting something go that I love. But I was not loved in return, at least not for who I really am.

The positive in that is that I am strong enough to stand up for myself and be the kick-ass woman I am.

The negative is the hurt. And I'll be god damned if I'll pretend I'm not hurting and angry for the sake of making my blog sound like it was written by Little Mary Sunshine. This is my journal and my outlet.

When I love, I love deeply. And I often fall for men who want the Barbie Doll without the human operating her.
And I try... I do. I try so hard to be the Barbie. It'll go well for a little while and I will be... "perfect".

But I'm not perfect. No one is. Eventually my real self bleeds through, the one who stands up for herself and argues and refuses to be a fucking doormat.

Which woman would you want? I don't want a Ken Doll so why do so many men want the Barbie? Is it really that hard to deal with a real woman? I don't really think I'm all that high maintenance... I don't demand things, other than, you know, respect. And perhaps to come first, and I don't think that's a lot to ask of a person who says they love you.

Not first in RL, of course. First in SL.

When you want a man to love you for who you are, and he can't or won't, it fucking hurts. It sucks and there are no two ways about it.

But... having said all that, it also makes me feel strong. Stronger. I'm resilient. I can withstand the pain and not let it kill me. Because I am that strong woman with her own opinions, and intelligence, and humor, and independence. I'm a fucking goddess.
So, anyway, I'm disappointed. Disappointment is part of life.

So is healing.

2017 was pain... 2018 will be the healing. It's part of the circle of life. And it can be beautiful... cathartic and reinvigorating. There will be ups and downs, and as I have for the past five years, I will journal my journey here.

I may not be starting 2018 exactly where I thought I would be, but I'm starting it with my back straight and my head held high.

Love me or hate me... or even feel ambivalent towards me.

This is Beth, and she is fucking incredible when she spreads her wings and gives herself permission to be all the wonderful and complex things she is.
Welcome back, me.

And Happy New Year to you, my wonderful friends and readers. <3



2 comments:

  1. Dear Beth,

    what could happen, when you would change express yourself on that blog?
    Would I like to read it? Not likely.
    Your blog is fascinating, because you write about you, a human being, and not about a Barbie.

    2018 is Healing? Invite all following years too :)

    My best wishes and a happy new year.
    Ravi

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