Sunday, October 8, 2017

Life is a Shit Show

I'm trying to make my way back into Second Life.

It's weird. It all feels very weird. I'm not especially comfortable at the places I used to hang out because the woman I did so wrong is frequently there. I feel I owe it to her to NOT be in her line of site, even though she has, rightfully, blocked me.

I haven't felt very much like having sex... and since, you know, I've loudly and proudly proclaimed that's all I'm in SL for, there hasn't been much for me to do.

Oddly enough, feeling the way I do, I met a man last night. He was funny and smart and sexy and yes, I took him home and we had sex. And it was good sex. He was great and I orgasmed, hard, for the first time in a couple of weeks. That was great so maybe I'm finding my way back to myself?

We'll see.
The real world certainly hasn't been a great place to be, either. I lived in Las Vegas for a few years and the shooting really punched me in the gut. I won't launch into one of my anti-gun rants here... like so many others have said, in 2012 the United States apparently decided that the lives of first graders were less important than allowing every lunatic in the country to own guns and if that's okay, then there is nothing I can say that would convince anyone otherwise.

I'm just so fucking sick and angry over it all. It's just beyond my comprehension how certain factions can be so blind to the need for common sense gun legislation.

America is a very stupid country.
And then Tom Petty passed away. God damn it all.

There are some people who don't understand why people get so upset when a celebrity dies. I didn't know Tom Petty, but his music was the soundtrack of my life. I've loved him as long as I can remember. I've seen him numerous times and loved every moment of that goofy, talented man's career.

I think that for those of my generation, our mortality is biting us on the ass. The musicians and actors we grew up with are starting to die and it's not an easy thing to face.

Oh? We're not immortal? What?!
The reality of being an adult orphan is sinking in, too. The first few months after Dad died, I was really in a pretty good place. He lived to a nice, ripe old age... and for the first time in decades, I wasn't anyone's caretaker anymore.

No responsibilities to anyone but myself. I didn't have to sit there with my phone in reach 24/7 waiting for the phone calls I knew would come, didn't have to plan my days around his needs. I was... am... free.

And that was a great feeling for a while. If you've never been a caretaker before, it's hard to understand how difficult it is. How draining it is. Mentally, physically, emotionally... by the time Dad passed, I had nothing left for myself.
But now... what the fuck am I supposed to be doing? I pushed aside everything except work to keep a roof over my head in order to take care of my parents. My alone time has always been precious to me... but now I've got far too much of it. I've thought about traveling but... hell, I don't have the money for that, nor do I really want to go anywhere. Who'd watch the cats??

That's a joke... I'm not without people in my life and have plenty who would take care of my beasts for me. I just can't find the motivation to get my shit together and go to the ocean. It calls to me, and I know damn good and well that a few days sitting by the sea would fill me back up with hope and peace.

There are some other things I need to do first, though, namely take care of my health. I had back surgery six years ago and I'm having trouble again. Have an MRI scheduled for next week and I'm really hoping I'm not going to have to go under the knife again but whatever it is, I know it needs to be fixed. I have got to lose some weight but I can't embark on any real exercise program until my back is fixed so I'm sort of in limbo now.
I joined OK Cupid, too... and what a mess that is! What I've found is that men my age that are single are mostly divorced, and a five minute conversation with them quickly reveals why they're all divorced! Dating sucks ass, and I'm not even really sure if I want a man, so I've already backed away from that. I'm sure I'll dip my toe back into those waters again, but not right now. I'm just not ready to share that part of myself with anyone in the real world.

So, yeah, life is a shit show, y'all. I'm trying to find something, anything, to grasp onto that will bring back my joy. I know it's out there. I've been down before and always pick myself back up. It's a waiting game. I know from experience that the morning will come when I wake up and want to jump out of bed and start living again and trying to figure out what I want my life to be now that I have nothing holding me back. Right now, it's just scary. I can do anything I want... but I don't know what that is. 

It wasn't supposed to be like this at 48. 

shrugs

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