Thursday, June 16, 2016

God Damn Gacha Resellers

This post is purely a rant, nothing more.

I'm annoyed at something so I'm going to bitch about it.
Really, I just needed a reason to post these photos and had nothing else... but this IS something that absolutely, positively annoys the ever-loving shit out of me.
Yeah, I'm talking about resellers who post pages and pages and pages of gacha crap on the marketplace.

They have made the MP virtually unusable.
And it pisses me off.

I love to shop, but I'm not a big fan of going to stores unless I have to. As you know, I'm frequently naked or nearly-naked in Second Life and going out to the stores means putting on clothes.

Most times I'd just rather shop on the MP, even if it's just to see what new things are available. I'll go to whatever category I'm interested in, and sometimes I just pull up everything, sort by all and start scrolling.
 
But holy shit, you guys... wading through all the gachas ruins fucking everything!

For example, I just went to all, sorted by new and clicked on page 4 and counted. Out of the 96 items on the page, over 60 were gachas. 

Two-thirds, people! Two-thirds of the damn page was gacha crap!
Come the fuck ON!

Is this necessary?? Isn't there a better solution?? How about a separate category for gachas? That probably exists, but nobody fucking uses it. Better still, how about an entirely separate MP just for gachas?? If you aren't the original creator of the item, you can't sell it on the MP. How does that sound?
Of course, the guilty parties aren't reading my blog, nor do they care that they are pissing me off. They're out to make money and they don't care that they're cluttering my MP shopping experience with their bullshit.

It doesn't matter what category you look at... clothes, shoes, jewelry, hair, household items, whatever... it's dominated by gacha resellers. They are, in my humble opinion, assholes.
I find the entire reselling of gachas distasteful anyway. I was on an SL break when gachas first became popular and I never really played them when I came back. I eventually started, of course, and yes, I even sold some. I set up up a little yard sale place thingie and had my own shop briefly... and I sold the stuff I had FOR LESS THAN WHAT I PAID THE GACHA MACHINE.

It wasn't about making money for me... I had extras and didn't need them and I didn't have the time or desire to get into the trade groups. I just wanted people to have the extra stuff I had. I think I sold regular stuff for L$10 and rares for L$50. I think I only did that for a couple of weeks because what happened was that every time I put new stuff out, some reselling asshole would come buy every single thing and put it up on the MP at a profit.

And that was NOT what I wanted to see happen.
I quickly gave up on that idea and just held on to all my extras... then Kay, the lovely lady from Image Essentials, opened up a gacha shop and asked her group members to give her extras. NOT so she could sell them and make a profit, but to help pay tier of the lovely space she created for photographers. 

I boxed up all my stuff and shipped it off to her. I need to do that again if she's still doing in. I haven't checked in a while.  
Maybe it's just me, but I don't feel that the original idea behind the gachas, and having them be transferable, was to create this secondary market for people to profit. I think the original intention was to have people trade items they had for items they needed.

And now it's just fucking out of hand.

I would LOVE to see gachas disappear. I would LOVE for the creators to spend their time making these items to sell in their own stores and to see them profiting off their creations.
And I would love to see all these resellers go right the fuck out of business so I can get back to my own MP shopping unhindered by all the crap.

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Him.

Yes, there is a new gentleman in my life.

And you know what? I'm not going to tell you a thing about him. 

For the time being, I'm keeping him all to myself. I shall refer to him as "Mr. X". 
Why, pray tell, am I not telling you who he is? Because it seems like every time I share something special about someone new on here, ex-girlfriends, lovers, partners, enemies, frenemies and every general busybody in Second Life comes crawling out of the woodwork to shit on my joy.

So... neener, neener, neener... Not this time. Because I'm not telling you who he is!
It's not that he's anyone SL famous or well-known... he's just a dude. I'd never seen or heard of him until I met him... and isn't that wonderful?? He's just this guy, this normal guy I found stumbling around Second Life like me.

But he has been in SL for a few years so, you know, that means he has a past and with a past comes the drama and with the drama comes the bullshit.

And I'm kind of over the bullshit right now.  I just want to enjoy this thing I have. This thing that's just starting to blossom with Mr. X.
You see, I like him. I mean, I really like this guy... my Mr. X. And he likes me.

And for right now, that's all there needs to be. Things may speed up, or slow down... they might fizzle out, or it could become a super-nova love affair.

I feel like he's pretty special, though. To me, anyway. And for today, that's enough.
And he sneaks into my house when I'm not home and leaves me little presents. Tasty presents like this one. And for right now, that's all you're gonna get to see of him. 

Yum.

Sunday, June 12, 2016

The Irresponsible Blogger

I do a lot of big talking about how this blog allows me the space to muddle through the convoluted mess in my brain and clearly express my thoughts.

It's not entirely true, though.

There are a lot of posts, like this one, I hope, where I'm able to sit back and think about what I'm saying as I'm typing.

There are, unfortunately, also a lot of posts where I'm angry about something, raw about something, feeling passionate about something, and I sit at my keyboard and start typing and I hit the publish button before I've taken the time to stop and think about what I'm saying, and how I say it.
Words are powerful. And also dangerous.

And the written word in this digital age is... hard.

Each of us has a loud voice now. We all have the platforms at our fingertips to speak to a large group of people. To be heard by many, rather than just the few people around us.

There has to be a responsibility there.
And I've been terribly guilty of not taking my responsibility seriously. In much the same way that online bullies don't fully fathom the repercussions of their actions, I've been incredibly thoughtless about my own rhetoric.

I can have my beliefs without lashing out and being all vitriolic towards other human beings sharing this planet with me. At times, I've been just as hateful, if not more hateful, than those I'm lashing out against.

To what purpose? Does it fix anything, or just cause more issues?
When I take a breath... when I take the time to step back and remove myself from the center of any issue... God, it's important to look at different sides, to listen to different viewpoints, to try to see things through other's eyes.

That becomes impossible when I label people and stereotype them and say vile, hurtful, hateful things about them and their side of whatever issue it is. I get defensive, they get defensive, and in the end, I've created a bigger gap than existed before.

I don't want to be that person. There are people I love more than life that have extremely different points of view than I do. Family, friends, coworkers. Lovers past and present.
And I hurt them with my words. Not just here on this blog.

Odd thing is that I learned to temper myself a long time ago on Facebook because of family that I don't want to lose, because of friends I don't want to lose. For some reason, I never saw the need to censor myself in the same way here. No, not censor... to temper my words.

Maybe in the beginning when this blog's soul reader was me it didn't matter. This was basically my journal and I wrote only for myself because, honestly, I was the only one reading the words.

But over time, more and more people have found their way here. People from all over the globe, all different walks of life and my audience has grown and until now, I've not taken any responsibility for what I say. People that I've met in SL aren't faceless strangers to me. My readers aren't faceless strangers to me. They are real people and they are real people that I care deeply about.

This isn't an anonymous blog anymore. People who read this know me. And they care about me, just as I care about them, and I've not made the connection, until now, that what they read here affects them.
The words I choose to express my thoughts are often carelessly chosen. On more than one occasion, I've lost people because of it.

I don't know why it took me so long to see the damage I was doing.

I've lost the chance to know some really amazing people, to learn from them, because I struck out at their beliefs in the ugliest way I could with the only weapon I have.

I've missed opportunities to learn, and to love, because I've been stubborn and careless.

And isn't that a shame? Because we should never stop learning. No one knows everything. There are always new things to learn, to experience, viewpoints to share and discuss and grow from.

So...

What does that mean for this blog?
Jesus Puppeh Walks on Water??
Oh, I'm not going to stop. I love blogging, I do. But I'm now going to start looking at it as a conversation with a group of friends and loved ones instead of a journal for my eyes only. I can't say I'll never get into real world issues again... this blog has never been solely about Second Life... but before I post something that could be hurtful or controversial, I'll have someone I trust read it first. I'll take time to let it simmer and see if it truly conveys what I'm trying to say or if it's just reactionary vitriol. I'll try to look at it through eyes other than my own.

There are problems in the world. And in Second Life. Hell, there are problems everywhere. But they will never be solved by creating more divisiveness.

And I'm sorry for contributing to the divisiveness. I truly am.
In being hostile and venomous, I've completely failed in uniting anyone on anything, other than to maybe agree I'm a bitter, angry woman.

And that's not who I want to be known as, because it's not who I am.

On a day where there are an awful lot of people hurting, let's be kind to each other.

Let's just be nice. One moment at a time, one second after another, let's just treat each other well. Let's be compassionate and empathetic. Let's hold each other's hands and be good to each other.

Bill and Ted said it best, didn't they? "Be excellent to each other."

I'll start. You there. Yeah, you. I probably don't know you, or don't know you very well. But I've no doubt you have some amazing, unique, wonderful qualities that make you incredibly special. We probably don't agree on everything... in fact, I'm sure we don't. But I still think you're awesome. I'm glad you're on this planet with me.

I wish you a beautiful day and a beautiful life. I wish you joy and bliss, prosperity and understanding and safety.

And above all else, I wish you love.

Saturday, June 11, 2016

The Waiting

I've never been anyone other than who I am.
And I mean that in the sense that it's impossible to truly step into someone else's body and experience what life is like being someone else.

So I don't know if I'm really all that different from any other female.

I know I can be difficult. I know that sometimes my emotions get the better of me. There are times when I can be a brat. I can be annoying and needy. I let things hurt me that I probably shouldn't... and when I say "let", well, hell, I don't know how to not allow myself to feel something. Can people actually do that?
I occasionally speak before I think. That's why I like blogging so much... it gives me the chance to put some thought into my words before I blurt them out.

And though I can't take back any words I ever say, I can, and do, apologize. I'm able to recognize when I've stepped out of line, or when I've behaved poorly and I try to make amends.
I'm a human. We humans fuck up. All of us. I'm certainly not unique in that... and from what I've seen, my fuck ups are certainly no worse, and often better, than many other people's fuck ups.

I can be passive-aggressive. It's something I've fought with for years, and I believe I'm a lot better at dealing with it than I used to be.

You see, I'm very often afraid that if I confront something head on, people are going to decide I'm just not worth the trouble and walk away instead of dealing with me, and whatever issue lies between us.
So I try not to be so passive-aggressive but I still struggle with saying what the real issue is... I'll often lash out at something small that is indicative of something much bigger instead of just saying "Hey, this thing right here bothers me a lot."

Because I'm so damn afraid that someone will just say "Oh, it does? Well... okay. Bye then" and just disappear from my life.

What does all this mean? Hell if I know. I behaved poorly a couple of nights ago with someone that I care about. I've apologized and tried to explain myself, and in the process I think I just made things worse.
I had a bad day yesterday. My papa had a bit of a health scare. It ended up being nothing... or something very minor, anyway... but he's 87 and we take all scares seriously. We ended up in the emergency room for hours and as any of you who've ever visited an emergency room know, it's never a pleasant experience. Everything is hurry up and wait. I hadn't slept a lot the night before, and when he called me, I hadn't yet eaten anything. So I was tired, and hungry, and scared.

Needless to say, I wasn't at my best. So sitting in the ER with my dad waiting for hours and hours on test results, I pulled out my phone and tried to fix something. And maybe find a little comfort.
I bungled it. I imagine I came across as a bit manic and in that moment, I probably was. I was terrified for my dad but didn't want to let him see that so I probably presented very poorly in what I was trying to accomplish in fixing things with this other person.

And now I'm looking at a new day, after a good night's sleep and knowing my dad is fine. It's a pretty, warm summer day and I'm feeling good.
And I want to fix the thing I broke. My friend isn't being responsive, though. Do I push it, or just give them space? Giving someone space when you're trying to fix something is hard... the longer you let something go without dealing with it, the easier it is to just drift further and further apart.

I also don't want to come across as desperate, though. But aloof is not something I do well. I love big and hard and vocally. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's a difficult thing for me to hold that back.
This world of ours doesn't have enough love in it and I love to make sure those that I love know it. I want to make sure they know they're loved.

I guess that can be smothering? I don't know. I can't imagine that being smothered with love is ever a bad thing, but I guess it's overwhelming for some, especially when they're mad at me.

So I'm conflicted and unsure right now and that makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak. Vulnerable, even though I know deep down inside I really am, at least in this situation, right now.
I can push or I can move backwards. I'm not good with being in limbo or waiting for someone else to decide to deal with me.

I guess this is a learning experience? A lesson in trying not to flip out while being in limbo?

Okay. I can do that.

I think.

Maybe.
Of course, I'm also a bit pissed about being held in limbo. I honestly don't believe this friend means for this to be punitive, but I can't help but feel like I'm being punished for my bad behavior. Like I've been put in time-out.

Maybe I need a time-out. I acted like a brat so maybe I deserve to be treated like a brat?

I hate unanswered questions. I always have. Hell, I flip out if I think of a question and can't get to Google right away to get the answer. I love to know things, to learn things. And when I'm puzzling over something that I can't figure out, it drives me nuts.
And I'm trying to figure something out right now and I can't get to the answer.

Patience, Beth... patience. The virtue I'm sorely lacking in... lol. I want what I want when I want it.

Patience. Limbo. Silence.
Things I'm bad with, yet forced into at the moment.

The world doesn't revolve when I want it to. It doesn't move at my pace, and I can't force it to.

And that's just the way it is.

Thursday, June 9, 2016

[ruined] no more

"I seldom end up where I wanted to go, but almost always end up where I need to be." ~ Douglas Adams 

Well, it was fun while it lasted but I'm just not cut out to own, or run, a club in Second Life.

My little place has shut down.

[ruined] didn't fail... I did. I just didn't have the energy, or desire, to devote the time needed to make it everything it could be. And there are much better ways to spend my leisure time in SL than working... and that's what it became. Work.

I have to say I learned a lot. I really didn't think this whole thing through before I opened it. Before this, I've had two other jobs in SL... one as a stripper and one as a hostess. I lasted about a day in each job before I felt bored by the entire thing and overwhelmed by having obligations in SL.
I think the idea I had for [ruined] probably isn't so different from the idea that many other club owners have had... I don't know that there was really anything original in my ideas. And I think that probably many other club owners had to adjust their vision in order to become successful club owners.

I'm too much of a control freak, I guess, to let that vision turn into something else. I even thought about offering the club to someone else to run but I didn't want to see it become something I didn't want it to be. For me, the best option, the only option, was to close it down.

We really sort of ended up with two very different groups of people... We had the group who came to the club to fuck and really weren't much interested in anything else, and then we had the group who wanted to hang out and talk.
I liked the hang-out-and-talkers. We had some very interesting conversations, didn't we? That part was wonderful but I felt it was a bit at war with the other group, as well as what my original vision was. It made me feel a bit disingenuous, I guess? Because I really liked it when people weren't having sex... when we were just hanging out on the dock or sitting around the bar talking about anything and everything under the pixel sun.

Now I want to start a quiet little coffee shop for the conversationalists in the group... lol! Perhaps that'll be my next venture now that I've learned more about owning a place. Bethie's Beanery, anyone?

As for the sexual aspects of the club...
Well, that was my fault. I thought I was opening the place up with my boyfriend... and he disappeared before the place even opened. But then... holy shit, THE MAN walked into the club one day and swept me off my feet. And just as fast as he found me, he left me. And I was crushed.

That was really probably the end of [ruined] for me. Oh, not his breaking it off with me... before that, when I met him and realized that what I wanted more than [ruined] was to have that one special person in my life and to spend the majority of my SL with him... not being in an open relationship, not swinging, not fucking in public, but just sinking into him.

And when it ended so quickly, [ruined] was ruined for me. We met there, we started falling for each other there... and even more than that, I wasn't interested in having sex with anyone else. I'm still not. I'm sure my libido will come roaring back to life in good time, but for right now I'm just licking my wounds and re-centering myself.

So it's on to the next chapter, whatever that is! I'm not sad... I do feel a bit like I disappointed a lot of people, and probably delighted others, by failing. But I said from the beginning that if it wasn't fun for me, I wasn't going to do it. And, unfortunately, it wasn't fun for me.

Don't get me wrong... I met some fabulous people! People I hope to stay in touch with! As a matter of fact, I'm not going to close down the group. Members can choose to stay or leave if they wish since there is not club to go to, but for anyone who wants to stay, and stay in contact, that's great. :-)
All in all, this was a positive experience. I met wonderful people and made awesome new friends. I had a couple magnificent lovers. I loved Caity's beach! I fell in love and I can never feel bad about that even if it perhaps didn't end the way I wanted it to.

I mean, I did it! I would have always wondered what could have been if I hadn't tried it. I went outside my comfort zone and did it. And I'll always be proud of that.

So maybe I'll try something else again someday. The coffee shop or something. I don't know. But not today, and not tomorrow, and probably not next week or month, either.

Right now I'm just going to shop. And work on my house. Take some photos. Hope that another Mr. Right will come walking into my world.

And more than anything else, I'm just going to fucking relax. What does Gwyneth call it? Self-care? I'm gonna do some of that.

And for today, that's enough.

Thanks for sharing this journey with me.

And now back to your regularly scheduled unBethical programming!




Saturday, June 4, 2016

True Grit

No regrets.

I would never change one second of the things that have happened in my life, good and bad, because every single experience has shaped me, and continues to shape me, into the woman I am.

And I'm pretty freaking awesome, if I do say so myself.
It's time to stop wallowing and stop being bitter because I took a gamble on love and lost. I know he didn't mean to hurt me... I know damn good and well that it was never his intention. And I can't hold a grudge against a woman I don't even know for grabbing hold of the man she loves, and has loved for a hell of a lot longer than I've known him. 

I'd have done the same thing. And if I were in his shoes, I'd also have done the same thing. As a matter of fact, I did. Or at least tried to way back when I met Hugh and was partnered to someone else. That didn't really work... thank god... and I ended up with my beloved for the next two years.

All the same, you don't just throw away someone that has history and meaning and love because someone new came along and tickled your fancy for a bit. The difficult choice he made, the correct choice, shows integrity.  
And I wouldn't have fallen for him if he wasn't a man of integrity.

He's not a player. He didn't mean for what happened to happen. And when we got together, he was free to do so.

Yes, I'm defending him. I don't want anyone to think badly of him. I wish I'd know more about what he was coming out of before I went and fell ass over teacups, but... well, if wishes were horses and all that.
None of that changes the fact that he's one of the good ones. If anything, this should lift him in the eyes of anyone who knows him. He was faced with a situation that was impossible. There was absolutely no way someone wasn't going to get hurt. And it wasn't intentional... sometimes there is just collateral damage along the path to happiness. He made his choice, the right choice.

And I'm going to pull myself up by my bra straps and get on with it. I've licked my wounds, stomped my foot a couple of times and shed a lot of tears. 

But being bitter and holding grudges and anger just isn't me. 
What's next for Beth?

That's a good question. I'm having some trouble right now running [ruined] because it's where I met him. And right now, I don't want to be there.

That sucks. I started to go there a few times today but just couldn't make myself do it. It's got the memories of him now. And that's on me. I've got to figure out a way to get back to enjoying my club and not being melancholy because of what happened there.

I'm giving it some time. I've stepped back from the club for the time being rather than just tearing it down. There are some amazing people involved with that place and it would be terrible to just destroy it because my heart is a little bruised.

But for right now... no, there's no [ruined] for me.
So I'm taking a lot of photos and staring at myself a lot. Hoping my libido comes roaring back to life anytime now. Anyone want to help with that... lol?

I'm trying. Flailing around a bit, but I'm trying.
One thing I do know, though, is she better treat him right. No, better than right. She better worship the damn ground he walks on. Because if she doesn't? If it doesn't work out between them? I'm right here. I'm not going anywhere. I lost this time, but I'm still right here.

And I still think he's the bee's knees.

Ain't that a kick in the panties?

Back to Black
He left no time to regret
Kept his dick wet
With his same old safe bet.
Me and my head high
And my tears dry
Get on without my guy.
You went back to what you knew
So far removed from all that we went through
And I tread a troubled track.
My odds are stacked
I'll go back to black.
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to...
I go back to us.
I love you much
It's not enough.
You love blow and I love puff.
And life is like a pipe
And I'm a tiny penny rolling up the walls inside.
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to...
We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to... 
Black, black, black, black, black, black, black,
I go back to...
I go back to...

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to...

We only said goodbye with words
I died a hundred times
You go back to her
And I go back to black.

~Amy Winehouse

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