Tuesday, May 31, 2016

So there was this guy...

This isn't the post I had planned today... had another written, all ready to go. Can't post that one now... lol. Because it was about this guy. And about a different future I thought I was going to have.

Yeah, I only just met him a few days ago, but boy... he completely swept me away. He was everything I ever wanted in a man... in a friend, in a lover, in a partner. The connection was just there... instantaneous.
It was like a wildfire... it just consumed us. It was magical. The hours we spent just talking, learning about each other. I babbled... god, I babbled. I let him in, let him see the parts of me that I don't let many others see.

It was real and it was amazing.

He was great. Is great.
Of course, he isn't mine. A guy like that... can't expect him to actually be free.

Oh, I thought he was. He thought he was, too. I guess realizing that he was moving on with someone else was enough to spur her into wanting him back.
I took these photos for him. Pictures of me to put around his place but that's not going to happen now.

This one hurts. Badly.
I really thought I'd finally... finally... found what I've been searching for.

Instead, I lose. Lost again.

I'm taking a few days away from SL, I think. I just can't right now.

Sunday, May 29, 2016

What Dreams May Come...

I've had a lot of conversations lately about dreams.

My dreams, in particular. I've received tons and tons of support and encouragement for pursuing my dream in opening [ruined].

And I so appreciate every bit of it.

Is [ruined] floundering? No, it isn't.

Am I floudering in being the owner? Yes, I am.

It is very easy to visit clubs in Second Life and think "Oh, I could do that better!"

The reality, as I've discovered, is quite different.

You see, people are people. And they have their own will. All the wishes and prayers and rules in the world won't change people from being who they are - nor should they.
I celebrate diversity. I appreciate seeing different people with different beliefs and talking and learning from them.

Then I expect them to come to my little club and behave or look the way I think they should?

How very arrogant and presumptuous of me.

Perhaps my first, and biggest, mistake was in not approaching the opening of my club as a business venture. I foolishly thought I could screen everyone and welcome in only those who are just like me.

Impossible, of course. There is no one just like me. Just as there is no one just like you.
I envisioned a place full of sensual, beautiful, intelligent, mature, liberal free-thinkers. Hedonists, libertines, bon vivants. Philosophers and intellectuals. Humor and silliness, as well as serious discussions and intensely erotic encounters.

People who were attracted by both the mind and the body in equal measures and who weren't shy about sharing of themselves.

I envisioned myself as one, too.

And that is the dream.
Is it happening? In small measures, yes, I believe it is. There have been moments, hours here and there, where I see it.

The problem is that I'm not enjoying any of it. As the owner, as the hostess, I'm finding in nearly impossible to relax and enjoy the atmosphere of what is happening around me. I'm constantly worrying about the direction conversations are taking.

Is this person going to take offense at that person's opinion? Is the meaning behind that sentence going to be misinterpreted? Is it my job to smooth things over and police this conversation? Is he coming on too strong to her? Is she uncomfortable? Is she being too forward? Is she dressed too tacky? Is that Aeros just a wee bit too big to be realistic? Are they being too vulgar instead of sensual and erotic?
And that is where I feel like I'm floundering as an owner. I feel that I have to be constantly on alert for any unease in my club.

And that's on me. So far, I've not seen a single argument break out though there have definitely been conversations with very differing opinions. I've seen people behave maturely and thoughtfully and handle themselves with decorum and class. I've seen gentle rebuffs and polite declines when approached for sex - as well as plenty of acceptances, too. When I've offered suggestions to people regarding their look or behavior, it's always been accepted without (much) resistance.

But because I feel so stressed out when I'm there, I'm finding myself intentionally staying away.

That's not what I wanted. That wasn't the dream.
And on that subject... yes, [ruined] is a dream of mine. I have many. It isn't even THE Dream.

For me, The Dream is for every single creature on this planet to have enough - enough shelter, enough food, enough compassion, enough love, enough empathy, enough clothing, enough safety.

Yes, I'm that girl. A stray dog will keep me broken-hearted for days. A harsh word spoken to an elderly person sends me into a rage and a depression. An abused child? I can't handle it.

Any creature who is marginalized... made to feel less than worthy of all the love in the world... just destroys me.

The Dream is for no one, man nor beast, to ever feel sad or unloved or unwanted or unsure or scared.
That's a pretty heavy dream and the burden of it weighed on my shoulders for years. I've learned to not only see the sadness in the world, but the beauty, too. A frolicking puppy. Grandparents and grandchildren laughing together. Small moments of kindness. The beauty of a firefly. The scent of rain.

And I have a million other dreams, too. I want to have a threesome with Justin Timberlake and Taylor Swift. I want to snuggle a baby elephant. I want my mother and my brothers to come back to life and I want my father to live forever. I dream of opening my wallet to always find just the amount of money I need.

In Second Life, I dream of finding something as beautiful and magical as I had with Hugh.

And all of those dreams, and many others, are far more important to me than my dream of [ruined]. And if [ruined] starts to get in the way of achieving those dreams, it has to go.
It's still new. I'm not ready to give it up just quite yet, though I desperately have to find a way to enjoy it and continue to enjoy my Second Life without the intense pressure I'm putting on myself.

I don't know how to do that. It's easy to say just let go... stop worrying... but the reality is much different.

I don't want to own a business. I don't want to run a business. I don't want to have a job in Second Life.

I want to provide a place for the people I described above to seek out and enjoy the company of like-minded individuals. I want to just plop it down there and watch it happen.

I know that isn't possible... that is a pipe dream.

But how to find the balance between the dream and the reality without losing myself?
Lying down on the job. Wasn't it W.C. Fields who said  "Never work with animals or children?"

Saturday, May 28, 2016

Clarifications and Stuff

Okay.

So we all know I have diarrhea of the mouth when it comes to words and this blog. I write when I'm happy, I write when I'm upset or frustrated, I write when I'm horny, I write whenever the mood strikes.

And I hit the publish button immediately.

And what I'm feeling at any given moment is subject to change five minutes later. This blog is my journal. It helps me straighten out my thoughts. Sometimes I say things in the moment that I don't realize can be interpreted in different ways.

On the subject of men, and [ruined]. It was pointed out to me today that my post read as if [ruined] is a sex club where women are lying around waiting for men to fuck them.

When I wrote that post, I happened to be lying around [ruined] waiting for a man to come and fuck me.

I was having this moment of "Hey, wait a minute... I own a sex club and I can't get laid?"

That was me. Just me. In that particular moment. I was aroused and frustrated. And I unloaded on my blog, as I frequently do.

And then I got laid and it was all good... lol.

The female members of [ruined] are not beck and call girls. They are strong, intelligent, amazing mature women. Some of them might be looking for a one night stand. Some of them are most definitely not. Every single one of us is different.

And the same goes for the men. We've got an amazingly diverse group from around the globe that is slowly growing day by day.

It will never be full. There will always be times when the club is empty.

I do not expect that everyone will have sex with everyone. And sometimes there may be no sex at all between anyone. It all depends on the moment, and the connections, and how people are feeling.

No means no. I will never try to push people together or pressure anyone, and I expect the other members to be the same way. Some people won't like each other. Some may become the best of friends. Some will become lovers.

I keep hearing one particular comment over and over... "I stopped by the club, but it was empty."

I feel like people are disappointed in me. I have a day job... and I can't be in SL at the same time. I have to sleep. And I have to have time away from SL, and time inside of SL for me.

And I understand that this club thrives or fails on my shoulders. And I'm very well aware that I really have no idea what I'm doing and am basically just winging it.

I naively thought I could create a club that was basically self-running. I just wanted a small place where a small group of great people could hang out, have sex, not have sex, have mature, adult fun, meet new people.

Something is cropping up all the time. People are upset that I didn't accept them into the club, or booted them for not following the rules. People are upset because it's frequently empty. People are upset because they're being pressured into sex, people are upset because people are turning them down for sex.

I cannot make everyone happy.

And right now, it's killing me. Perhaps I just don't have the chutzpah to run a club? It's wearing me down and I wish I could say I just don't give a fuck and let the cards fall where they may... but that's not me. I'm a mother hen. How to let go of my grip and let the club succeed or fail on its own merits?

Many clubs have rules about dress codes and having updated avatars. The difference is that I'm heading that off up front instead of pocketing a membership fee and then kicking people out.

I'm footing (most) of the bill for this place. Yes, I've gotten some lovely tips and I appreciate the hell out of them, but they don't put a dent in what I'm actually spending on the place to make it look like I want it to look. And if it works... I am so more than happy to keep footing that bill. It is well worth it to me to have someplace in SL where my vision can exist.

Not everyone shares that vision, or even understands that vision. I have a hard time putting it into words myself.

I'm tying myself up in knots worrying. And that is soooooo not what I wanted.

And I'm very well aware that I'm putting that pressure on myself. I'm making this all harder than it has to be.

I guess at the end of the day, I'm still just an insecure little girl trying to make her place in the world and fumbling it very much.

The only question that remains is whether or not I'll catch the ball.


Why aren't men joining [ruined]?

I don't get it. I really don't.

I'm absolutely confounded by this.

Why aren't men joining [ruined]?
Right now, we've got 57 members.

The breakdown? 33 women and 24 men and that's better than it was. For a time, we had 2 women for every 1 man.
You guys are supposed to be the horny ones, right? And here's a little club... very little, admittedly... with a bunch of gorgeous, smart, aroused women.

And you don't want to join  us?
Have I done something wrong in how I'm presenting the club? Is it not coming across as attractive to men? Not alluring enough?

Or, you know, are you guys just not that into sex?
I'm finding myself alone a lot at the club... doing a lot of this. Masturbating. I'd much rather be doing that with a man, or men. 

And I believe most of our female members feel the same way. 

So, yes, I'm baffled. Why aren't you guys joining? 
Yeah, I know I've turned a few of you away.

FYI - Sending me a notecard, followed by an IM, followed by signing the guestbook, followed by sending me an email AND a message on Flickr... and then repeating it when I don't answer soon enough... comes across as desperate. And I'm gonna turn you away for that. I've given you a lot of ways to contact me, yes, but you don't need to use every one of them. At once!

Even though I'm sounding pretty desperate right now, aren't I?

Picky AND desperate!
Is it my pickiness that is keeping some of you from requesting membership? If it is, I'm terribly sorry... but, I'm also holding the women to those same standards.

Some of you I've considered approaching with a membership offer. I see you on Flickr and you're gorgeous, and the level of detail in your photos and your avatars tells me that you have that quality I'm looking for. Would that be too forward of me?

I honestly don't know. I'm new at this and I'm not really certain what the best methods of recruiting members are.

All I know is that I want you here. Getting [ruined]. With me. And the other beautiful women we have.

Thursday, May 26, 2016

No Apologies

Well... it was bound to happen. I should have expected it, and I suppose I did. Perhaps that's why I recruited a gentleman enforcer to do my dirty work for me... lol.

I had to start ridding the club of a few people who slipped in that didn't really fit with the vision I have for the club.

So it was either let go of my vision, or crack down.

I chose the crack down method. And I'm not sorry.

[ruined] is my club. I think I laid out my expectations pretty damn clearly in the rules. I gave people time to comply. I sent out the rules, and resent them, and begged people to please actually take the time to read them.

Some did, some didn't.
And a lot of it, especially regarding how people look, is entirely subjective.

But it is my club, my vision, my rules. And if people don't like it, they can certainly start their own clubs.

I've been accused of discriminating against full-figured avatars. I could have argued with her about that. Hell, I'm generously described as full-figured myself in real life. I could have pointed out to her that her head was the size of a pin head compared to the size of her body. And no woman with proportions like that has ankles the size of a pencil. Or the fact that it appeared she'd slathered her body in grease (is that supposed to be baby oil?). Not to mention the horribly bad tattoos or the extremely poorly made appliers she was wearing.
Would that have made it easier for her? "No, it's not because you're well-endowed, it's because you look like you just rolled in from the oil-wrestling pit at Jumbo's Clown Room."

I just let her believe that it was because she's full-figured.

Another gentleman left on his own. He and I had a disagreement earlier in the week, and the woman referred to above is a friend of his.

Oh well.
I'm not gonna lie... there are a couple of others I'd like to see go. People who slipped in during that brief period in the beginning where I allowed members to invite others without getting approval from me.

I'm certain they're wonderful, lovely people. Nice as fuck. Probably save puppies and kittens and little old ladies in their spare time.

They just aren't what I want for my club.
I didn't hide the fact that I was going to be extremely picky when it came to who was welcome at the club and who wasn't. I never once said it was going to be for everyone.

It isn't. It absolutely isn't. And if that makes me a snob, so be it.

I made this place for mature, intelligent, discerning people to have a good time. An adult time. And the 50+ members I have so far expect that atmosphere. It's what I promised them.

And it's hard to get aroused, to be titillated mentally or physically, when you've got people being sleazy and making people cringe.
I have tried to avoid using the big "C" word when describing the club and the clientele I want.

No, not THAT "C" word!

Class.

But I don't think I can avoid it anymore. I've talked all around it until I'm blue in the face. There is a certain class of people I want as clientele. As members. I expect my members to be equally comfortable sitting at the Algonquin Round Table as they would be in an orgy.
Both are important factors. [ruined] is a sex club that isn't a sex club. It's for people to be mentally AND physically stimulated.

And physical attraction plays just as much a role in SL as it does in the real world. And we're all attracted to different things when it comes to physicality. Some people dig the biker look, or the biker chick look. Great! That's marvelous for them.

The world would be a very boring place if we were all identical in our looks, wants and needs.

But SL already has the Snake Pit and a billion other biker bars.
I'm not attracted to outlaw bikers. Or frat boys. And I don't want to own a club full of wanna-be 1%'ers and frat boys and their female counterparts.

So. Yeah. No apologies. I want the intellectual perverts. The handsome nerds. The women who don't look like they'd pop if you stuck a pin in them. People who have the disposable income to keep their avatars up to date and care about how they look and aren't intimated by food that doesn't come from a drive-through window. People who read books, pay attention to the news and world events.

And love to fuck, but aren't satisfied with a run of the mill pixel fuck. Men and women who understand that the secret to an intense orgasm, or orgasms, comes from stimulating the brain first, and then the genitals.

When I have sex in Second Life, I give my all. I put myself completely into it... I don't know where SL ends and the real world begins because it's that intense. I take pride in knowing the men I fuck are as aroused as I am... because giving myself that way does turn me on. I draw pleasure from the pleasure I give others.
But only to a point. I expect my partners to give of themselves, too. I expect them to be as into the moment as I am. I want them to be lost with me in our time together in SL. 

I have high expectations of myself. I hold myself to the standards I've set in the club rules. 

A classically handsome, well-kempt man who looks as if he took time and care with his appearance ignites me. To me, that shows intelligence and passion simmering below the surface. Beautiful, well-spoken women in stylish clothing, with impeccable make-up, hair and nails, bubbling with unrepressed sexuality make me tingle from head to toe. 

The polished exterior and the sexual, raw, primal interior. 

That's what I expect. No more, no less.

Does all that make me a snob? Perhaps. I prefer to look at it as having discerning, discriminating tastes in friends and lovers. Some people come to SL and have nothing to do with the sexual side of it. And some come to SL strictly to collect notches on their virtual bedposts. 

Somewhere in the middle lies a group of people who enjoy the more PG aspects of SL... the sailing, the music, the shopping, the art exhibits, etc., and also enjoy the sensual, XXX side and are able to easily, comfortably, mingle those worlds. 
And I would like to bring those people together at [ruined]. And in order to make [ruined] a safe harbor for them, and for me, some people aren't going to make the cut. Many aren't. It simply cannot be everything to everyone. And trying to make everyone happy would destroy [ruined] for me. 

I won't compromise. If I do that, I might as well shut it down. And I'm nowhere near ready to do that. 

It's going to take patience... some will drift away waiting for the club to have enough members to fill its walls. But for those who stick with it, with me, we're going to get there. Even if we only add a couple new members a week, we'll still get there. 

It might not be today, or tomorrow, but eventually we'll make something magical.

Monday, May 23, 2016

Trusting my Gut

“Introverts need to trust their gut and share their ideas as powerfully as they can.”
― Susan Cain, Quiet: The Power of Introverts in a World That Can't Stop Talking

I haven't actually read the book that quote is from... I live the life of an introvert and have come to know myself well through introspection. I know a few friends and family members I'd love to have read it so they can understand me better, but... oh well!

I think that quote, though, describes perfectly my reasons behind opening [ruined]. I had an idea.. and it was brewing and stewing and everyone I talked to about it loved it and I just had to give it a go. 

And I'm so glad I did.
What happens when an introvert opens a club?

And what kind of silly ass introvert is dumb enough to open a club?

Oh... me. That would be me.
I am a true introvert... not one of those Internet introverts who laughs and says "Oh, I hate people... hahahahaha!"

A real introvert loves people. I do. I adore them. But it's crazy hard to be around them for long periods of time. An extrovert draws their energy from being in crowds, soaking it up from those around them. For an introvert, that drains them. It sucks the energy right out of us and we have to go away and have our alone time in order to recharge.
Brad knows well how to relax me when I'm feeling stressed!
My intention when opening [ruined] wasn't to make it a club so much as a hang out. I knew up front that I didn't want to play hostess all the time, or referee.

I'm discovering that that's just not entirely possible. Issues are cropping up that I never considered. Oh, and I hosted those two open houses over the weekend that absolutely drained me.

Don't get me wrong... I loved doing them, and will be doing them again. I'm even considering making the Sunday social a regular thing. But, boy, when they were over, I had to crawl away and curl up in a little ball for a while!
It's also affected my libido, negatively, though you wouldn't be able to tell from these photos... lol!

When I'm at the club, I'm so concerned with making sure the few people there are having a good time and feel welcomed that it becomes my singular focus. I can't have sex when I'm focusing on everyone around me! And that's not at all what I wanted for the club - even though, yes, I know, I'm the one putting that pressure on myself.

So I've got to stop doing that. [ruined] is supposed to be interactive... and the members we have so far are just amazing at participating! They don't need me hovering and mother-henning the entire thing. So I won't. I quit! Unless there is an open house again or something like that, I'm off duty when I'm at [ruined].

Or I'm going to try to be, anyway. We'll see how that goes.
I love having the club, though. I love seeing people laughing and connecting and talking and fucking. It's a great atmosphere... relaxing and sensual, no pressure but I think the air is constantly erotically charged. There may be no one having sex at a particular moment, but I think you can feel that the possibility it there... it hangs in the air and teases and encourages people to let go and enjoy themselves.

I've seen some people turn down others, and it's polite and respectful and perfect. I don't expect everyone to be attracted to everyone else. There are members I'm not attracted to, and that's okay. Everyone is being nice... and that's awesome and amazing. No one is judging.

It's beautiful.
There were a couple magical moments over the weekend at the open houses... One was last night. There weren't a lot of people there, I think only 9 or 10 of us, but it was my largest crowd so far. Two couples were having sex... two couples that had just met. Another couple was dancing. Someone was entertaining us with her pole dancing, I was dancing on the bar, a new member was sitting in one of the chairs chatting with us, another was trying out the cage. The night before there had been another moment when a group of us gathered around the bar and had an amazing conversation about sex in Second Life. Candid and real and everyone was participating and they were smart and mature and respectful and beautifully open.

And it was perfect. It was exactly what I'd dreamed. All I could do was sit back and smile and enjoy these moments of seeing my dream come to fruition.
So while I'm struggling with finding my own comfortable place in running my club... It's happening. It's really happening. I didn't know if my concept would work or not. 

But it is... It's certainly not for everyone, but for those like me, it's become something real. Something we've longed to see, and it now exists. 

And I couldn't be happier. 

Thursday, May 19, 2016

Slow Ride

I am absolutely loving my little club.

I'm finding myself in a near constant state of arousal... in heat, if you will. Constantly. And I love having this little place to come to and lose myself in the eroticism you can find in an amazing Second Life fuck.
It's slow, though... soooooo slow! I need to members... good members. I need more people who understand that the best sex in Second Life comes through in words... intelligence, humor, filth, maturity. Those who understand what I say when I call it a "mental mind fuck".
I'm considering a few options. Right now, either people need to contact me directly, or another member has to send me their names, and this isn't optimal.

One thing I'm considering is renting a little spot where anyone can land and get a notecard with the rules and a small application to send me. I still haven't found a group subscriber that has a pending feature. Has anyone else ever seen such a thing?
Another thing I'm considering is having a few open social events. A couple of hours here and then, advertised in events, where people can come check out the club, meet me and see if they'd like to join the group... as well as for me to see if I think they'd be a good fit.
I know I'm trying to rush things but I'm terribly afraid my members will grow bored of coming to [ruined] and finding it empty. Most understand, I think, that it's new, and a sort of new concept and that it's going to take time to grow. Finding the right people is hard... turning people away is hard, but I'm doing it. I've had to make the decision not to slack on the rules... and that eliminates quite a few people, as well as the ones who contact me that I just don't feel right about. Something sets off warning bells and I'm heeding them.
But still... I encourage you to contact me if you're interested in membership. It's free... you've got nothing to lose. The best way to reach me is still by email at bethmacbain@gmail.com or by dropping me a notecard. 

I hope you'll join me, and the wonderful members we have so far, in creating a place where sensuality and eroticism reign supreme, good conversation, intelligence and fun aren't rarities and the pixel sex makes you orgasm until you can't walk. 

Saturday, May 14, 2016

It's Been One Week!

And I think I can take a breather and relax a little bit.

The membership is still very small... only forty fabulous folks so far, but I'm aiming for quality over quantity so I'm cool with that.

It's been an interesting week. A wonderful week. And a hard week!

Owning a club is a lot more work than I expected it to be. That's not really a complaint, but... jeez, things have popped up that I didn't think about.
My first big oops was allowing members to invite other members. I forgot that not everyone has the same tastes as me, and also... well, either they don't bother to read the rules, or interpret them in a vastly different way than I meant.

I took hold of that before it got too out of hand, but now it's more difficult for people to join since they all have to go through me and I'm not always around - and sometimes even when I am around, I need some me time!
I was hoping I could find a group joiner thingie that would have a "pending approval" option, but no luck with that yet.

Being (mostly) submissive AND an introvert, I'm finding myself getting worn out after playing hostess for too long. Trying to make sure everyone is having fun, feels welcome, etc. For an introvert, putting yourself out there like that is difficult and exhausting.

Being naturally submissive is also a slight impediment. I have a hard time correcting people when they break the rules... but I have to if I'm going to keep the club focused in the direction I want it. I don't like to offend people, or make them angry, and kicking people out (though I haven't had to) is going to be crazy-hard for me. My instinct is to nurture things and people, but I know that there are some that will take advantage of that in order to skirt the rules, especially right now in the beginning if I don't put my spiky stiletto down.
And that's also where the me time comes in... I've fast realized I absolutely have to put my auto-response on sometimes and just block everything out for a while so I can do my thing, quietly, for my own sanity and so I don't burn out on the club. And if I don't feel like logging on, I'm not going to log in. It's too small for me to hire a manager or anything like that yet, so club business will just have to wait while I take care of myself.

And the rules thing... I know damn good and well people don't read things. I know this from having a damn job in RL where no one reads their bloody emails, but holy fuck, it aggravates the shit out of me. Reading is fun AND educational, says Nerd Beth! But I keep getting this:

"So what's this club all about?"

"Did you read the vision and rules I sent you?"

"No..."

...
OH FUCK OFF! Take five damn minutes to read the rules so I don't have to sit there and go through them all with you, please. Read first, THEN ask questions. We learned that in school, didn't we?

And also, "Oh, does that rule apply to me?"

Yes. Yes, it does. Yes, even you.

And my most favorite question is "So when are the busy times?"

There aren't any yet! It's a week old and we have forty members from all over the globe in a multitude of time zones.

But all in all, it's been amazing. And in all fairness, most people are reading and following the rules. And I've got a couple of incredible new lovers so, quite selfishly, I love that. I've met some really awesome people I probably wouldn't have met without [ruined] and I hope they stick around and be friends for a long, long time.
And it's just getting started! It's working! The people coming in are having sex! Sometimes with the people they come in with, sometimes with people they're meeting at the club, and that is so fucking perfect I get giddy and dance around like a grinning idiot. The more I talk to people, the more I realize that I'm not alone in what I'm hoping for... so are they. I'm hearing the same frustrations I have, and they are letting loose in my little club!

There is laughter, and sometimes deep conversation, and sometimes goofy conversation. Often very sensual, sexy conversation. And the clothes are coming off and the inhibitions are going out the window and people are having intimate, filthy fun sex. New friendships are being made. New lovers are meeting.

It's wonderful and exactly what I'd hoped for.

We're still short on men, though... lol!


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