Saturday, November 5, 2016

How Am I?

How am I?

That's a question I've recently been asked a couple of times, so let me tell you. Or try to, anyway.
First off, I think that question depends on who you're asking... SL Beth or RL Beth.

The answer is very different for both. Really, for the first time since I joined SL as Beth Macbain and decided I was going to blend my worlds.
Let's deal with RL Beth first. I'm great!

I've recently made some changes in my real life, all for the good, thankfully. I'm not going to go into details, but I've taken care of some things that I let slide for a variety of reasons. There were some things I let get out of control, and I've taken them all back now and it's all firmly in hand.

So that's good.

All is well in Beth's real world and I'm feeling... energized.
But when it comes to SL Beth, it's a different story.

I'm angry.
Why? Because I can't seem to get back to the stuff that made me love SL so much. I got taken in by a con and I'm furious I fell for it. And did so much damage in the process that I'm being told that I've finally reaped what I've sown.

It's tainted my experience in this world that I love.
And I'm mad about that. And anger isn't an emotion I enjoy. It's exhausting and annoying. And absolutely pointless. I'm furious that my escape from RL has been sullied by a really shitty experience.

I want to shrug that off and I just can't seem to do it. Oh, it's not that I'm still hung up on or even spending much time at all thinking about him.
It's just that I log in now and I don't know what to do. I don't know where to go to find the good guys, or even if I want to. Go dancing, go to a beach, go shopping... I don't know. Join an SL dating service??

Being alone isn't much fun. It's okay for playing adult barbie with myself or taking photos, but beyond that, meh. I could rip down my house and rebuild and redecorate, but... meh.

And I hate this feeling of Second Life ennui.

I love Second Life. I love the beauty of it, the uniqueness of it, the amazing people I've encountered over the years. I've seen kindness, experienced deep love, heard beautiful music, seen incredible art... Second Life is like nothing else. And I miss it, tremendously.
Maybe my... disinterest.. in SL has something to do with the changes in my real world. Things are kind of cool when you shut off the computer for a while. I don't know. I feel like I'm being pulled in two directions. There is a big part of me that doesn't want to let go of this Second Life world I've belonged to for so long. And there's another part that thinks this is just the natural evolution of things. Second Life can't be forever, right?

But am I ready to shut the door on it? I still don't know.
I just don't know. I know I'd love to erase the last several months of SL. Not just the guy, but the behavior just before him, too. I think I'd like to roll it back to around the time I decided to open the club and just... not. Just go a different direction. Stay the woman I was when I was with Hugh. That was definitely my best me and I let myself get... cold, maybe? I've been called a narcissist twice recently... a narcissistic cunt, to be exact. That's certainly not an attribute I've ever attributed to myself, but maybe I became one and didn't even realize it?

Might need to do a bit more soul-searching on that front, but not tonight. I think it's time to step back into the real world again.

3 comments:

  1. I don't think you're a narcissist. I just think you've been hurt.

    If you'd be willing, I'd love you to pose for some shots, please. Look me up in world if you're interested.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Seconding what Isle said. You're a good and generous person who's been played with, and you have every right to feel as you do. I'm very glad your RL side of things is doing well; that's a positive. As for SL, I hope you will stay. I know I don't natter at you every day, and it's because I don't want to be that creepy person. But in the end, do what you need to do for yourself, Beth. If that means a break from SL, or leaving entirely, do it. Do what will help you heal your heart.

    I also would like to photograph you sometime, if you're willing. It won't be for a couple of months at least, due to my RL being putzy, but if you'd like an amateur's efforts, I'd love to try my hand.

    ReplyDelete
  3. "narcissistic cunt" ... Really, someone in SL called you that? I find that hysterical 😒 !

    You are still the same person you were with Hugh you just let yourself be a target. Stop swimming with sharks and just swim. Those who got their pound of flesh are no better for it are they.

    Make new friends, get out of your current circles and find new joy in SL.

    Good luck.

    ReplyDelete

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