Saturday, October 1, 2016

Mistakes... I've Made A Few

Disclaimer: This is a tale told from my perspective. I don't know what is in another person's head. I may well be imagining all of this trouble and this person has already forgotten who I am. All I know is how I'm feeling, how I'm reading the signs I've been shown. I may well just be paranoid. I don't know. It's entirely possible that my perspective is skewed and wrong. And that, in and of itself, is unsettling to me. 

This is also the first time I've really stopped... paused... before hitting the publish button on a post because I'm afraid of the repercussions. But... if I don't hit that button, I'm not being true to myself. This blog has always been my means of working through things in my head, and as I read over this, as you read over this, I'm sure you will see, as have I, how I've sorted the mess in my head, right down to writing this disclaimer. 

This is my blog and I won't be intimidated into not using it as I see fit. 
Mistakes. Oh, I have made them... Millions, amirite?

But seriously, yes, I'm a flawed human being and I've fucked up on occasion.

Haven't you?

But I recently made a big one.. a BIG one.

One I'm paying for dearly.

And I have to tell you... I"m getting pretty fucking sick of paying for it.
Now, before I go any further, I should tell you unequivocally, my mistake is not Michael.

No, he's wonderful. And I can't tell you how much I love being Mrs. Overland. I'm sure I'll try in a future blog post because I'm verbose like that, but this one is about mistakes, or one particular mistake.

Michael is most definitely not a mistake.
But before Michael, there was someone else. A man I had a brief, yet intense, liaison with. As these things do, it burned hot, then died out quickly.

At least, for me it did. Granted, I met Michael towards the end of this affair, but I was already seeing red flags that were pulling me back to reality. It would have ended even if Michael hadn't come into my life.

But meeting, and falling, for Michael gave me a good out, right? Rather than saying, "Hey, dude, you're starting to give me the creeps and none of your stories ring true, and I need you to just go away," I told him that I'd met someone and was going all in with him. That was the truth, but it wasn't the entire truth.

I thought it was the kinder truth.
I can be nice to a fault, and this is one of those instances where trying to be nice bit me on the ass. I was way too nice, tried way too hard to placate him and try not to hurt his feelings... Firstly, because I despise hurting anyone, but secondly because I just didn't want the potential drama that was positively dripping from the situation.

I let him think that he had a chance for a threesome with me and Michael knowing full well that wasn't going to happen. I even invited him and his partner over to meet us, to see if there were any sparks - there weren't. Not only weren't there any sparks, Michael took an immediate visceral dislike to him.

He instantly saw what I was trying to pretend wasn't there - someone who is manipulative, who is a liar, and who is most certainly not to be trusted. He saw the red flags within seconds that it  had taken me a couple weeks to see.
Some days later, Michael had the occasion to speak alone with this guy and it just further cemented his dislike. And he also found out that I'd told him a lie, one that I thought was harmless at the time, but wasn't so harmless to the man I loved and had lied to.

It caused quite the row between us.

An immediate decision was made, by me, to cut this person from my life. In talking about the conversation they'd had, I realized just how he'd twisted things in his mind to fit a narrative he wanted - a reality that simply didn't exist. Words attributed to me that I hadn't said. My first instinct had been to confront him, then cut him out. But that road leads to drama, right? Michael and I made the decision that my best course of action would be to simply ignore him.
As you can imagine, that went over like a ton of lead. The messages started coming in... then faded away. He was still on my friend list and after a couple of weeks I thought it was safe to unfriend him. This just started a new round of messages, none of which I answered. I'd moved on. My last recourse was to block him. On SL, on Flickr, on email, chat... everywhere I could think of.

I thought that was the end of it.
Silly me.

For some reason, it seems that he's fixated on me. I have no idea why. Our fling was short-lived. Intense, yes, but short.

I found out his partnership ended, in part because of his fixation on me. He posted an old photo he'd taken of me on his Flickr. And then the suspicious alts started showing up.

Oh, I don't really know if they're him or not... Our party house is open to the public and we share the landmark quite freely. We're used to strangers dropping in, but the timing was odd... the fact that these alts didn't actually speak, just showed up and stood around. The profile similarities.

Maybe we're being paranoid, maybe not. I don't know. But it started to take a toll on my relationship with Michael. He was, is, angry that I ever invited this guy to our house... to HIS house. That we now have to be suspicious of every new visitor. That we might have to pack up and move, to leave the place he'd had for years, spent hours and hours and hours working on.
I understand his exasperation. Hindsight is 20/20 and all that, but I really should have seen the instability in this guy. Maybe I did see it and chose to ignore it because it was good sex and a fun fantasy for a couple of weeks.

And now we're both paying the price for my terrible choice in former lovers.

No lie, this guy scares me a bit. It's really the first time in my SL that I feel like I became involved with someone who's just not all that... sane. And I absolutely should have seen it, or not ignored that voice in my head telling me to beware. I know the signs. I know those phrases people use when they're manipulating someone. I know the signs when someone isn't quite being truthful, or is hiding things. But I let my desire for some orgasms get in the way of my good sense. Of my instinctual gut feelings.
And now I'm constantly looking over my shoulder. I'm trying to forge ahead in this magnificent relationship I'm in that's still new and fragile. I'm trying to assure my love, my partner, my best friend, my husband that this person can't touch us, but I'm unsure myself. I'm unsettled by a loose cannon that I can't predict isn't going to let loose with a barrage of ammunition aimed at my head, or even worse, Michael's head.

Let this be a cautionary tale, my friends. Trust your gut. Your instincts are probably not wrong. There are people that are not to be trusted. People who's elevators don't reach the top floor, and who don't like being told they can't have what they want.

I may have bungled the situation. I played with fire and I've got some third degree burns now. That's on me. I accept responsibility for letting this person in my life in the first place, and yes, for letting him into Michael's life, too. That is all on me.

But... having said that, just as I'm responsible for my handling of my situation and my reactions, this person is responsible for his, too. I'm positive he blames me for all sorts of sins, of how I wronged him, mislead him, etc., etc., so on and so forth.
And you know what? Tough shit. There are choices and decisions we make in our lives that adversely affect others... not out of spite or anger or meanness, but just because those choices are what's best for us and sometimes we have to put ourselves first. I did that, and maybe I didn't do it in the best of ways, but so be it. I'm not responsible for how anyone else chooses to deal with my actions and choices. That's on them, not me.

People have hurt me before. People have made decisions I didn't like. People have left me behind.

And you know what? I pulled up my big girl panties and moved forward. Because that's what rational, sane adults do.

And that's how men, and some women, justify their abusive behavior and that's a bit of what I'm dealing with right now. "You made me hit you." "I'm disappointed in you." They want you to believe that you're always to blame.

I'm not having it. I'm not going to continue to pay for this mistake. I will do whatever it takes to protect myself, and my loved ones. My love. I'm not weak and I won't be guilted into... anything. For anyone.

So to this person... because I know damn good and well you're reading this... No. Just no. You cannot, you will not, be a part of my life. I will never return to you. Leave me alone. Leave Michael alone. Delete the landmarks, the pictures, the memories, the whatever. Move forward... move away from me. I am not a possession to be won or owned. You will not make me change who I am, what I do, where I do it, who I do it with. You have no say in who I talk to, most especially to you. I will not be forced to deal with you. Because this is it. My final words on the subject. Not only are you dead to me, you never existed. You are erased.

End of story.

End. Of. Story.

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