Friday, September 16, 2016

Birthdays Blow

Edit: My birthday suckage had nothing to do with my guy. I stayed up after I sent him to bed and wrote this post instead of asking him to stay online with me and have our alone time. It wasn't his fault that we were interrupted several times and that I didn't say, hey, let's go someplace where we can be alone. I was in a low place feeling sorry for myself... and that was my decision to call it a night, not his. It certainly wasn't his fault that I was in a bad place because of my kitty and my dad. 

Note: This is a pity post. Read no further unless you want to read about me feeling sorry for myself.

Birthdays are just a disappointment.

I know this... hell, I've had 47 of them now... yet I still always sort of expect, or hope, something special will happen.
It never does. That's just not the way the world works. Things don't stop, people don't suddenly start paying attention, just because it's the anniversary of the day my mom pushed me out of her uterus.

Oh, I have a few nice birthday memories. One of my brothers made a scavenger hunt for me on my 10th birthday. And then there was...

Okay, that's really it. They've all been pretty downhill since then.
This has been a tough week, you guys.

It started really going to hell last Thursday. I had to put my sweet kitty to sleep. It was hell, pure hell. That girl had been by my side for the last 16 years and putting her down, even though I knew it was the right thing to do, was utterly and completely heart-breaking.

It's still, a week later, absolutely devastating to me.
And her little brother isn't taking it well, either. He won't come out of hiding. I have to take his food to him wherever he's tucked away. And when I do drag him out, he has to be right on top of me, touching me, like he's afraid if he doesn't, I'll disappear, too.

It's killing me to see him so upset.
My dude and I had a couple of spats. My nerves have been raw and I blew up at him. He got mad at me about something else. That's never fun. I don't fight well. Confrontations aren't my forte.

And then yesterday... I get a call that terrified me. I'm told my dad is very ill and if he doesn't go to the hospital, he isn't going to make it. And he's refusing to go to the hospital.

He's 87, and truth be told, I think he's ready to go. But his damn body won't cooperate. Though I'm a big heathen, he isn't and he believes that Mom is waiting for him. And how can I deny him that?
But not on my birthday. And that's what I had to scream at him when I got to him and he was still refusing to go to the hospital. "You don't get to die on my birthday!"

And he didn't. My tears and screaming at him finally worked and he agreed to let the ambulance take him.
Congestive heart failure, acute pulmonary edema and pneumonia.

The majority of yesterday and today (my birthday) was spent at the hospital with him. He's doing well and should be fine... and I don't know that he's too awfully happy about that. He told me he had a dream last night... the most beautiful garden he's ever seen, and he was looking for Mom, but then he woke up. And I think he was kinda sad about that.

Though, as his treatments are working, he's starting to feel a lot better and maybe isn't quite so sad? I hope.
My birthday meal, the only one I had time to grab today, was in the hospital cafeteria. No cake.

Actually, there was cake. My sister, who'd been there for just a few hours while I went into work to get some stuff done, bought a slice for herself. She didn't get one for me.

I'm starving and I have no food in the house. I suppose I could make some toast... birthday toast... hahahahaha...

sigh

I just wanted to get home. I stayed at the hospital until he started dozing and watching Wheel of Fortune and I knew he was safe and settled in for the night.
I thought maybe I'd have an amazing night in SL... and it did start off that way. My guy put together an amazing fireworks display for me. But then things happened, and people dropped by his place, and there was no alone time and then it was midnight and we were both too tired to... do anything.

sigh

So yeah, birthdays blow. I'm 47 now and shouldn't really expect anything else. I'm disappointed in myself for letting myself be disappointed... lol.
Anyway... that's another one in the books. Tomorrow is September 16th and is officially my un-birthday.

Happy birthday to me, you old silly shit.

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