Monday, July 4, 2016

The Advocate

Back in college, one of my professors had us take a Briggs-Myers test.
The class was Human Sexuality and though I remember taking it, and remember the professor telling me I was the rarest of the rare, I truly didn't pay much attention to it and didn't remember the results for very long.

I do remember that there was a guy in my class I had a huge crush on... I was the only one that got my type, and he was the only one who got his type, and the professor told us we were exact opposites and would be toxic to each other. Talk about crushing all hopes of my crush!
We still flirted madly at every chance, and though we never sealed the deal, we had some pretty intense discussions in that class.

waggles eyebrows

I've always remembered, though, that whatever my result was, it was something quite rare. Several years ago, I decided to take the test again... and got the same result.

I also tend to believe, though, that sometimes when we take these personality type tests, we answer in ways we want to be, rather than how we actually are, so I take them with a grain of salt.
With that in mind, I've retaken the test, or a derivation of it, several more times over the years, and no matter what I do, I come up with the same result.

I am the Less-Than-1%. I am an INFJ.

Introversion, iNtuition, Feeling, Judging.

In some ways, it's cool to be part of that extremely small group. I mean, who doesn't want to stand out from the crowd?
Oh, wait... me.

INFJs don't, though sometimes we can't help it.

The traits of the INFJ are just so me.
"Usually self-expression comes more easily to INFJs on paper, as they tend to have strong writing skills."
I've always got to have one cause or another, and I go all in when I do. I can't stand social injustice and it gets right into my core. And it also makes me burn out and not take care of myself in the process. I'm overly-sensitive, and extremely passionate.

I am incredibly bad at one night stands and little flings. I love deeply and I take every relationship seriously, probably too seriously. No, definitely too seriously. I guess that's why I've been in love about 20 times since Hugh and I split... lol.
Most of my relationships fail because I jump in, fast, with both feet. I can love almost immediately, then get stupid-jealous and expect too much of my partners. And if, after I've given my heart away, I find out that they are on the opposite side of an issue I'm passionate about? Oh lord... that's caused more than a few problems!

On the flip-side, though, I'm a great listener, and I don't just offer platitudes when people have troubles... I offer solutions, though they're often not what people want to hear.
It certainly makes sense that I'm in the field I'm in, though it wasn't a conscious decision. I work in the nonprofit world. I learned years ago that I wouldn't be happy in a job where I wasn't doing something meaningful, helpful. Something to make the world a better place. The corporate world is fine for some, and I certainly miss the money I was making, but I wasn't happy.

Now I'm happy. Broke, but happy.
I tend to be incredibly sensitive, and I read things into situations and complicate them terribly in my mind. Nothing can ever be simple with me.

I don't want to just help with issues or problems. I want to fix them. My stance on guns is a good example of all of this. I hate them passionately, but more than that, I want to find out why people shoot other people, and figure out how to fix the issues and reasons behind the motives.
Just offering solutions isn't enough for me. I want to peel all the layers of an onion, and then dissect whatever is left over after the onion is peeled and look at it at a microscopic level, and then dissect that, too.

As such, I spend a lot of time lost inside myself. A lot of what goes on inside my brain is kept there... I don't share it with anyone. On another level, I share certain parts of the things happening in my head here, in the safety of relative anonymity. There is a very, very short list of people I can share all with.
Hugh was one of those people. That's part of why I miss him so.

I have a very, very small circle of friends, and an even smaller circle who really get to know me. As a matter of fact, around the time Hugh and I broke up, my friendship with my best friend of over 25 years also broke up. After all that time, she just couldn't get me... and more than that, she wanted me to change. There is about as much chance of that happening as there is of my wiggling my nose and changing the color of my skin. It's simply not possible.

It's a shame... sad. We'd known each other well over half our lives and she just pushed and pushed until I had to throw my hands up and say stop. And she couldn't accept that.

So no... being an INFJ means that I don't, or can't, let people get all that close because if they do, they rarely understand me.
Being an INFJ makes me a great lover, though, and is also probably why I love Second Life so much. I seek connections that go beyond the physical and since we can't actually get physical with each other in SL, it's ideal for me. I can learn about my lovers... learn what really turns them on and nurture that and get inside them to arouse them in intense ways that lead to that physical release.

And THAT turns me on. Nothing is as arousing to me as knowing the man I'm with is rock solid hard and his balls are aching for release because of the things I'm doing to him, with him.

Of course, it takes special men to be able to handle that... to handle me. I'm not one for shallow men or men looking for brief flings. I'm at my best when I'm able to spend time with a man, learning his kinks and pleasure zones.

And when that man knows how to alleviate my tensions, and I'm not just talking orgasms. Hugh had a very unique and wonderful way of dealing with me when I got wound up about something, or got jealous.
He just listened. He would sit there and let me talk in circles, offering a comment here or there, until I talked myself back down and into logic and sense. And believe me, sometimes that could take a while! He was just there, and would hold me and let me ramble and blather on until everything made sense again. God, I miss that.

I'm also incredibly empathetic. I feel what others feel, whether it's pain, or happiness, or arousal. Sometimes it can be a heavy burden, but I wouldn't change it. I feel for humanity. I feel its pain and its joy and its sorrow and its confusion.

This morning, here in my hometown, a three year old died. Was murdered. By her father. He bludgeoned her to death. Everyone feels the rage towards this man. It's something more than that to me... I would gladly end his life now, not as retribution for that poor baby, but because it's cut and dry - there is no place for him on this planet. He has no useful purpose. I think of the pain, and confusion, and sadness of that child as her father, the man who is supposed to love her beyond all else, beat her to death. I can feel what she felt, deeply. It hurts. It's... it's overwhelming. Her pain. The full story isn't yet known, but I suspect there were drugs involved, a tired, cranky, fussy three year old, and a man without the tools to handle his rage and anger. He didn't just kill his child... he hurt her. And when you hurt something as pure and innocent as a child, well... no, you don't get to exist anymore. That's the judging part of the INFJ - there is a problem, here is the solution. On the flip-side, I feel guilty but not for wanting the man dead, but for not being there when he lost control so I could help him. Help teach him the tools to handle his rage. To diffuse the situation and show him all the ways to quiet her without killing her.
My brain is a convoluted mess and usually that's delightful to me. When I talk about the happy pill I take every morning, I don't wish to infer that I have a little magic pill that cures my depression and makes me happy. No, my happy pill simply helps me be able to sort out that convoluted mess. It helps me be able to compartmentalize so everything I encounter doesn't become a Very Big Issue because there are only so many Very Big Issues I can wrestle with at one time before it overwhelms me.

So there you have it. I am an INFJ to the extreme.

What's next?







2 comments:

  1. Thank you for baring your soul this way, Beth. I don't think I could be as brave as you are, to do this.

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  2. Not so different after all, Always Rose x

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