Saturday, June 11, 2016

The Waiting

I've never been anyone other than who I am.
And I mean that in the sense that it's impossible to truly step into someone else's body and experience what life is like being someone else.

So I don't know if I'm really all that different from any other female.

I know I can be difficult. I know that sometimes my emotions get the better of me. There are times when I can be a brat. I can be annoying and needy. I let things hurt me that I probably shouldn't... and when I say "let", well, hell, I don't know how to not allow myself to feel something. Can people actually do that?
I occasionally speak before I think. That's why I like blogging so much... it gives me the chance to put some thought into my words before I blurt them out.

And though I can't take back any words I ever say, I can, and do, apologize. I'm able to recognize when I've stepped out of line, or when I've behaved poorly and I try to make amends.
I'm a human. We humans fuck up. All of us. I'm certainly not unique in that... and from what I've seen, my fuck ups are certainly no worse, and often better, than many other people's fuck ups.

I can be passive-aggressive. It's something I've fought with for years, and I believe I'm a lot better at dealing with it than I used to be.

You see, I'm very often afraid that if I confront something head on, people are going to decide I'm just not worth the trouble and walk away instead of dealing with me, and whatever issue lies between us.
So I try not to be so passive-aggressive but I still struggle with saying what the real issue is... I'll often lash out at something small that is indicative of something much bigger instead of just saying "Hey, this thing right here bothers me a lot."

Because I'm so damn afraid that someone will just say "Oh, it does? Well... okay. Bye then" and just disappear from my life.

What does all this mean? Hell if I know. I behaved poorly a couple of nights ago with someone that I care about. I've apologized and tried to explain myself, and in the process I think I just made things worse.
I had a bad day yesterday. My papa had a bit of a health scare. It ended up being nothing... or something very minor, anyway... but he's 87 and we take all scares seriously. We ended up in the emergency room for hours and as any of you who've ever visited an emergency room know, it's never a pleasant experience. Everything is hurry up and wait. I hadn't slept a lot the night before, and when he called me, I hadn't yet eaten anything. So I was tired, and hungry, and scared.

Needless to say, I wasn't at my best. So sitting in the ER with my dad waiting for hours and hours on test results, I pulled out my phone and tried to fix something. And maybe find a little comfort.
I bungled it. I imagine I came across as a bit manic and in that moment, I probably was. I was terrified for my dad but didn't want to let him see that so I probably presented very poorly in what I was trying to accomplish in fixing things with this other person.

And now I'm looking at a new day, after a good night's sleep and knowing my dad is fine. It's a pretty, warm summer day and I'm feeling good.
And I want to fix the thing I broke. My friend isn't being responsive, though. Do I push it, or just give them space? Giving someone space when you're trying to fix something is hard... the longer you let something go without dealing with it, the easier it is to just drift further and further apart.

I also don't want to come across as desperate, though. But aloof is not something I do well. I love big and hard and vocally. I wear my heart on my sleeve and it's a difficult thing for me to hold that back.
This world of ours doesn't have enough love in it and I love to make sure those that I love know it. I want to make sure they know they're loved.

I guess that can be smothering? I don't know. I can't imagine that being smothered with love is ever a bad thing, but I guess it's overwhelming for some, especially when they're mad at me.

So I'm conflicted and unsure right now and that makes me feel weak. I hate feeling weak. Vulnerable, even though I know deep down inside I really am, at least in this situation, right now.
I can push or I can move backwards. I'm not good with being in limbo or waiting for someone else to decide to deal with me.

I guess this is a learning experience? A lesson in trying not to flip out while being in limbo?

Okay. I can do that.

I think.

Maybe.
Of course, I'm also a bit pissed about being held in limbo. I honestly don't believe this friend means for this to be punitive, but I can't help but feel like I'm being punished for my bad behavior. Like I've been put in time-out.

Maybe I need a time-out. I acted like a brat so maybe I deserve to be treated like a brat?

I hate unanswered questions. I always have. Hell, I flip out if I think of a question and can't get to Google right away to get the answer. I love to know things, to learn things. And when I'm puzzling over something that I can't figure out, it drives me nuts.
And I'm trying to figure something out right now and I can't get to the answer.

Patience, Beth... patience. The virtue I'm sorely lacking in... lol. I want what I want when I want it.

Patience. Limbo. Silence.
Things I'm bad with, yet forced into at the moment.

The world doesn't revolve when I want it to. It doesn't move at my pace, and I can't force it to.

And that's just the way it is.

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